From Suicidal to Hopeful

[TravisB]

My story: 
My spiritual journey began at the age of 20 when I had a 3 month episode of severe mental illness.  Every moment was a struggle.  I tried therapy and medication.  In the brink of utter hopelessness I had a monumental epiphany which revealed the existence of the spiritual path, meditation, consciousness, and the hope for a better future.

I spent the next 6 years on a spiritual mission.  I became deeply engrossed in the spiritual process.  Hours of meditation, solo retreats, psychedelics, classic personal development, etc.  I was on a completely different plane of existence as everyone else and I was happy as ever.

I was making rapid progress. I went to Costa Rica and met an enlightened shaman who told me I was one of 10,000 people who would awaken the world.  Of course this fed my ego a bit but also gave me a sense of purpose to stay on the path.

I never forgot the episode of mental illness I had that started this whole thing.  I come from a family history of bipolar and clinical depression.  I have no doubt that I have one these.  But it seemed as though somehow I was funneling that vulnerability into massive spiritual progress.  I would go through my mind and try to think of situations that could possibly trigger me back down and I couldn’t.  I had multiple awakenings and deeply fulfilling experiences. I felt like I was living a blessed life.

By the end of those 6 years I felt like I truly had detached from everything.  

But I was wrong.

In the spring this year I received an offer for a dream job.  Let me start off by saying that my career as an Engineer was never my passion.  It has always been a means to an end.  However, I learned to enjoy most aspects of it.  I saw a job as a necessary minor evil that I had to work around just like everyone else.  I was at peace with that.  I got a rare offer for a stress free job with the DOT, one that would give me lots of flexibility, freedom, meeting new people, working from home, etc.. it was basically a stress free job that could allow me to focus more on other things and maintain a healthy balanced life. Concurrently, my current company was in the midst of placing me on a new project, another supposedly good opportunity.  This one involved being able to work on my own.  There was less flexibility and I couldn’t  work from home, but I believed this would make me more disciplined.

My intuition told me to go with the first opportunity even though I believed it might make me “lazy” or have less “spiritual progress.”  I put in my 2 week and felt an excitement that put me on top of the world.  

I should have stuck with that intuition.  But instead I quit the new job a week in and went back to my old job.  I made a knee jerk reaction. I realized later that any new job, no matter how good it is, won’t be exactly how you imagine it to be, especially at first.  I had made a mistake I couldn’t reverse.

It took about two days before I became conscious of my mistake. It hit me like a ton of bricks and then a continuous descent down a cliff.  I became flooded with a hellish state of dread and regret.  

For weeks I fought moment after moment to be present.  I kept telling myself that there was a reason for this pain, that in order to fulfill my destiny of awakening the world, I needed to get through this.  During those times I had beautiful awakening experiences.  But mostly it was hell.  When it was time to go back to my old job, I continued to stay as present as possible.  Fortunately, they didn’t have much for me to do at first, so I sat in my car and continued the fight.  When it was time to do tasks I still stayed present.

But life happened.  Eventually I got emotionally crushed because it was impossible for me to simultaneously handle all the negative emotions and life itself.

I started taking an anti depressant called Zoloft.  It went against all my spiritual beliefs, but at that point nothing mattered.

The medication takes about 3 weeks to start working.  In the meantime I continued to cycle between extreme low and high consciousness states.  It all pinnacled in multiple near suicide attempts.

When my parents saw the rope burn around my neck they called my psychiatrist who ordered me to go to the hospital.  

There’s a lot I could say about my 3 weeks in a mental hospital.  I’ll start with the cons.  I had to eat garbage food.  Institutional food.  Little to know greens.  Just what you’d expect.  I had little to no outdoor time.  Fifteen minutes a day inside a cage.  That’s all I got.  Now here’s the pros.  There’s a lot of camaraderie.  Everyone there is struggling through something and it really helps to have that sense of constant social connection.  It’s like being back in college.  There’s also doctors and therapists who come around and ask how your doing, which is nourishing.  All in all, I think there’s a lot we can do to improve our mental hospitals.  I think we could save a lot of people who would otherwise be crushed.  There were people there with high potential if they were only supported properly.

While I was in there they put me on another medication.  It was an anti psychotic called Olanzapine.  This drug is very powerful.  It essentially rid me of my overwhelming negative emotions.  My mind finally had a sense of control.  I’m very grateful for it because it has probably saved my life.  It’s also very humbling to admit I need these drugs, but I’ve come to realize what they are: tools.  Some people say anti depressants and anti psychotics are like taking insulin.  The difference is you can’t consciously control your insulin levels, but you can learn to consciously control your mind.  Except when you can’t.  Because maybe your mind is running way out of control.  That’s when these meds can be of great value.

With the help of the meds and the social connection, I left the hospital in a better place.  

I’ve come to realize where I’m at right now.  I know that I have a lot of inner work to do before I can even think about go off the meds, doing psychedelics, retreats, fasting, solitude, or any of the things that I used to be able to do.

I’m gonna keep going because what else is there to do.  I hope to one day look back and be grateful for this time in my life.  I have since taken a step back from watching Leo’s content because it makes me sad.  But hopefully one day I can get back there too.  I believe there is a reason and an unfolding, to be revealed to those who never give up.

Please feel free to post any thoughts or questions.

Edited October 24, 2022 by TravisB
General revision

[Pudgey]

Beautiful.

[Philipp]

@TravisB  Hey man Any Update?

Your story touches me, because you first seem to have everything under control and growing immensily but somehow it all fell apart. I have had a similar story. Trying to become selfless made me feel good, I felt so mature. But It kind of messed it up, because I just couldn't not commit myself to anything. I was so scared of the typical life. And I felt so disconnected to my university teachers, to friends. I just could not commit to any career. I was so anxious about it. Education felt unconscious often. Work (especially the standard images) were often associated with evil, capitalistic practices. I so I got stuck longer and longer until I did nothing at all for a whole year just to "contemplate" (it was more being unable to take any commitment or step forward). But also Leo made me feel like I had to know what my life purpose was (I even did his course), but it just did not work. I could not know. 

And then It went into hell. Break up was the last straw (but I was so unfullfilled already anyways). I am now 5 months with basicly no sleep. I feel extremly anxious about what to do.  Medication could also not help with the sleep and I just don't want to take antidepressant. (But props to you, for using it as a tool. I have no idea, I just thought medicaiton is psychiatric evil, but maybe they actually do help).