Is it bad to share my mental health struggles with my girlfriend?

[Max_V]

I genuinely have no idea, because I'm just now starting to get more experience when it comes to dating and relationships. All these redpillers online have me believe that sharing my struggles with depression and anxiety will turn girls off because it emasculates me. I don't know if I want a girlfriend if that's the case. I've always struggled with my mental health, having it be a minus to share it makes me probably want to be alone forever. 
I might open up about it in an hour with my girlfriend, any tips?

Max

Edited October 24, 2022 by Max_V

[Tyler Robinson]

My God. I would have been absolutely delighted if my boyfriend was sharing his mental struggles with me. In fact my ex was shying and not wanting to share with me and it caused me immense frustration. Because I could not help him with his struggles, no opportunity for me to connect deeper. I also felt like I wasn't made a part of his inner world. I begged him a dozen to tell me what he felt but he just wouldn't. 

I can't speak of other women but I absolutely love a guy telling me what's hurting him. That's the only best opportunity for me to be able to help him and show him I care. 

 

Edited October 24, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Roy]

Depends how long you've been with each other and what kind of person they are. I've told some of my partners about my personal stuff and they really appreciated the honesty.

I mean don't just randomly spill all the beans. There is a right place and time and you've got to already be emotionally intimate. Ultimately if you can't share your life struggles with each other in a relationship it wasn't healthy or built to last anyways.

[LordFall]

I would view it as sharing and involving her in the process vs venting/dumping your negative emotions on her. If you're like "baby, I've been anxious dealing with XYZ, it's been hard but I got this, having you here makes me feel much better :)" that will go very well and probably get her to trust you more. Never do something like "Life is so hard, idk what to do, XYZ person is soo annoying, man I'm fucked I can't do this." 

Basically I'd avoid anything like gossiping, childing complaining or making her feel like you're breaking apart and can't figure it out. It's her job to assist you emotionally and otherwise and give you her input but not to fix your problems for you. 

Edited October 24, 2022 by LordFall

[Tyler Robinson]

 

17 minutes ago, LordFall said:

I would view it as sharing and involving her in the process vs venting/dumping your negative emotions on her. If you're like "baby, I've been anxious dealing with XYZ, it's been hard but I got this, having you here makes me feel much better :)" that will go very well and probably get you to trust you more. Never do something like "Life is so hard, idk what to do, XYZ person is soo annoying, man I'm fucked I can't do this." 

Basically I'd avoid anything like gossiping, childing complaining or making her feel like you're breaking apart and can't figure it out. It's her job to assist you emotionally and otherwise and give you her input but not to fix your problems for you. 

Yea this is how I would imagine it. I wouldn't want my man to dump everything on me because I also expect him to show some spine. At the same time he can be vulnerable with me enough so I can help him. But I will feel somewhat uncomfortable if he used me as an emotional tampon. 

It's like kids who expect their parents to share their struggles with them but at the same time they don't want the parents to lose responsibility as parents 

 

Edited October 24, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Max_V]

@Tyler Robinson This still seems so odd to me. It seems so intuitive to me that you share your deepest struggles with the person you're closest with, even if that makes you look weak for a moment

[LordFall]

@Max_V You're a man, she's a woman. A man is supposed to be the rock that will keep his woman and their bloodline safe. Think about all the previous generations that had to deal with life and death. Don't fall into this mindset of having an androgynous relationship. People don't like Tate but he had a point where like if an intruder breaks into my house I'm gonna go down there and protect my woman whereas the streamer that he was arguing with said he would stay with his girl in his room with his girlfriend hoping they go away lol.

It's a good example of masculine and feminine polarity, if a woman doesn't feel safe with you and like you can handle life's challenges why would she feel safe to stay in her feminine energy around you? 

[Tyler Robinson]

@Max_V because I look up to my man or potential boyfriend as my daddy figure. I want to see my daddy cry so I can know why he is crying and nurse him. But I don't want my daddy to be a loser and sit and do nothing. It will make me feel uninsured, helpless. Because my daddy is my pillar. 

(replace word daddy with man) 

It was the best way to explain how we women feel inside. 

Women are conditioned by birth, biology, environment and evolution to see men as a provider, protector, bodyguard, caretaker and a daddy figure. 

A father places his daughter's hand into the hands of the groom. It has a meaning to it. It means now her life is in the hands of the husband who is her Lord and caretaker. He wants his daughter to be in safe hands because he is too old to care for her. This responsibility is transferred to the husband. 

You might find this outdated but you cannot remove biological, cultural and evolutionary conditioning of thousands of years. 

A woman does not want to see that her bodyguard is weak and cannot solve his problems. It's like a child seeing their parents crying all the time. It can make the child feel terrorized and weak. 

Seeing a man break down signals impending doom, terror, fear, a falling pillar. A woman feels like she is losing her sense of support and survival, she feels scared and tensed, frightened and cannot cope with the feeling. 

She might not dump the guy but she will live in constant state of fear, she will not hate him but she might lose attraction. 

Her attraction to a man is fundamentally rooted in how protected she feels with him. 

She will no longer be able to dream of him as a protective figure. That kills attraction. 

It will be similar to you waking up one morning and seeing your girlfriend change into Big Foot Ape. Attraction killed instantly. Like that. 

 

 

[NoSelfSelf]

If you are not victim about it and bringing it up every time you meet then its okay...

[LordFall]

@Tyler Robinson Well put, I'm screenshotting your comment for future reference. Reminds me of the Bioshock games(which Leo worked on fun fact) with the big daddy and little sisters. 

 

 

[integral]

Why do you see the need to do it? Its about you feeling more connected to her by doing so I guess. But this is not a idealistic world. If you do open up i would give only a bit and sugar coat it to something she can empathize with easily and views as perfectly fine and not a issue that will effect how she views you. 

Edited October 24, 2022 by integral

[Realms of Wonder]

This is tricky, I don’t know the ins and outs of your situation, people have already pointed out that if sharing it, don’t turn it into a “woe is me,” kind of deal.

If possible, maybe frame it as..

you, a human, experiencing something difficult, it’s hard, but you won’t let stop you from putting effort towards building the life you want.

 

It’s like a hero in a good movie, he/she/they struggle, a lot, we see our selves in them, but they won’t let it stop them from moving forward, instead they grow through it, that’s what makes them the hero, they don’t give up when it gets tough. In the same way, share this authentic part of yourself, as a hero shows the struggle, as part of your journey, as part of your story. Not as someone defeated by it.

In the end there’s no way to know how she will react as you share with her, but ideally, shes the kind of person that would respect you even more, for your authenticity and courage.

Hope that helps  

Edited October 24, 2022 by Realms of Wonder
Spelling

[Federico del pueblo]

@Max_V that's what vulnerability is about.

What is the alternative? You never show your girlfriend all of what you "are" ("are" because your identity is just a mental construct anyway), and keep hiding all kinds of things so she keeps liking you?

Don't forget one thing: all these red pill self proclaimed "alphas" are actually insecure. They just learn how to have a tough looking facade.

To whom do you want to open up, if not to a girlfriend?

Of course there are certain limits. If you've only been on 4 dates with a girl and already consider each other bf/gf then it would be over the top to share all of your struggles immediately.

As time goes by you share something and then a little bit more, and hopefully this also encourages her to open up a little bit more easily herself.

Simultaneously you keep working on yourself (including your struggles).

And as others have mentioned, there's a difference between sharing some of your issues or just sitting there completely destroyed by life, sad and depressed and hopeless and complaining. Don't do the latter.

[Spiral]

A dangerous thing to do. It’s really hit or miss. Depending on how you do it and how she is as a person.

[Thought Art]

@Max_V I don’t know her. It can totally be a turn off. Maybe you can bring it up, maybe you can talk about it. But, maybe she’s finds it a turn off. 
 

This is why we have professionals. 

[Yarco]

If you're in a long-term relationship with someone that you trust fully, I think it's basically a requirement. If you can't tell your one person all of your deepest darkest thoughts, then who can you tell?

It's not like you're a crybaby and it's some chronic thing. You're opening up to someone and being vulnerable for maybe literally the first time in your life.

[Leo Gura]

9 hours ago, Max_V said:

@Tyler Robinson This still seems so odd to me. It seems so intuitive to me that you share your deepest struggles with the person you're closest with, even if that makes you look weak for a moment

Of course you can and should. It's mostly just a matter of timing. Definitely not in the dating phase of things. If you got a serious exclusive relationship locked in, then go for it.

Most girls will be very supportive and empathetic. That's what girls are good at.

Just maintain your masculine core.

Edited October 25, 2022 by Leo Gura

[Max_V]

Hi everyone!

@Leo Gura @Tyler Robinson @Yarco @Thought Art @Spiral @Federico del pueblo @Realms of Wonder @integral @Roy @LordFall @NoSelfSelf

Just want to report that I had that conversation with my girlfriend and it turned out to be one of the best talks we ever had. 2+ hours on the phone talking about our demons and being able to set boundaries and for me specifically: being able to strongly ask for what I want. That in and of itself is amazing, because not only am I training my ability to confidently and non-needily state what I want, she also apparently finds it really attractive when I do so . It really feels like I'm actively doing shadow work in this relationship; confronting those parts of my masculinity that I've suppressed, and now being able to slowly slip back into these roles like dislocated joints back into their respective socket. 

Thank y'all for the comments, great tips here.

Max

Edited October 27, 2022 by Max_V

[Leo Gura]

@Max_V Sweet

[Thought Art]

@Max_V ? my boy!