I didn’t know what I had. I resent my choices.

[Lindsay]

 I had a one night stand with someone from Craigslist in 2015. I kept seeing him. I’m from inner city Chicago, white minority, obese, shy, and experienced childhood neglect, and domestic violence trauma, crack addicted parents, much love from mother who died young when I was only 12. I also believe I’m either bipolar or have borderline personality disorder. 

 I kept seeing dude cuz he was from the suburbs and I thought he was dorky enough where I won’t feel inferior to him. He wasn’t into me for long term. I was only good enough for sex. I lied about birth control and got pregnant. I almost wanted to have nothing to do with him and prepared to be a single mom until I was 8 months pregnant and he got evicted and needed to move and called me out of desperation or convenience. At least that’s how I saw his intentions. We moved into a condo together near his mother, far away from my family and friends. Everything was fine I was living my new family until I let my insecurities run my mind and looked through his phone. Yes, he was still sexting women on dating apps. I was devestated that he was even doing it on the dates while he was in the hospital with me during my C-section. Our son is adhd with autistic traits and his speech delay used to bother me. I felt isolated and resentful and overwhelmed like I was the only one who care about our son. This guy was sober straight edge with not a whole lot of baggage. He may have asburgers. He’s very aloof and hands off. He is the avoidant type and very stubborn. I was getting drunk every night and smoking weed when my son was in bed for the night. I drunkenly would try to break his things and he gave me a black eye. But I provoked it in the first place. I was bullying him verbally and abusing his property. He never hit me again. We stayed together for 4 years until I decided I had enough and moved back to by old neighborhood in Chicago. It’s been two years and we are friends and co-parent our son. He gets him on the weekend and I get him Monday - Friday, I work the weekends.
 I miss him now. I’m falling in love with him again. Why? He doesn’t even like me in that way and he avoids me when I get too mushy around him. My family reminds me of his emotional aloofness and lack of understanding. They also remind me that he is cheap and never wants to spend money on his son or me. He was very selfish with money where as I was always giving but then resentful that he was so stingy. Idk what to do. I’m not interested in anyone but the father of my son. Any advice? 

[Tyler Robinson]

@Lindsay Is he a white dude and what does he do for a living? 

 

 

 

 

[Lindsay]

@Tyler Robinson yeah he’s white and some Japanese. He’s been working for ups since he was 16 and is now 40. 

[Tyler Robinson]

@Lindsay it could be a possibility that he hasn't saved enough and that's why he doesn't spend much on you or the kids

I don't see him as a bad person since he lived with you for 4 years which is quite a long time. 

You both can work things out. Communication is key. Take it slow. To me he seems to be feeling on edge for some reason. Could be his anxieties of being a dad. It doesn't look like he doesn't love you. He does seem to care, probably not good at showing it. 

 

[Lindsay]

@Tyler Robinson reading that made me cry ?. Thank you. I have hope. 
 

@Tyler Robinson yeah he’s white and some Japanese. He’s been working for ups since he was 16 and is now 40. 

[integral]

The most loving thing that you can do in this situation is to give love to yourself. Become addicted to growth, go to the gym, eat healthy, clean up, read books, watch self-help, progress in your job/career, socialize with healthy people, feel the joy of being alive, become in love with life. Everything that your looking for is down this path, everything that you want will come to you while you venture down this path. 

Edited October 23, 2022 by integral

[Tyler Robinson]

Also another thing I would suggest is to join a church group, local organizations, social services groups, charities and local communities so you get some sort of emotional and social support. Also if it's possible to get financial support will be wonderful because most struggling moms deal with financial issues. 

And have, build great relationships with your family that you were born into. They are your key, your core support. They must support in whatever they can. It's their duty. 

 

[Lindsay]

@integral ? thank you. Solid/inspiring advice. Positive vibes have been absorbed. 

[Lindsay]

@Tyler Robinson that’s a possibility. I’m not into church. I did the church thing when I was in middle school. I didn’t like how dogmatic it was. But Im in my 30s now so maybe I can tolerate it now. I do need the emotional and financial support. I. Afraid about child support cuz I don’t want to sour the friendship or cause any more friction. 

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3miuaOWsj8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLH7yUwkBPg

 

read “you are the one you’ve been waiting for” by Richard Schwartz and get IFS and DPT therapy. Try the keto diet.

 

Edited October 24, 2022 by Raze