I feel very guilty after rejecting a guy

[Tyler Robinson]

I know rejection hurts very badly. That's why when I reject a guy I am filled with enormous guilt later. Recently I rejected two guys on a dating site. It makes me feel dirty inside, as though I did something wrong. I feel confused. 

 

[mr_engineer]

Did you have good reason to reject them? 

There's nothing wrong with rejection itself. There is something wrong with not giving people a fair chance though. That's what you could be feeling guilty about. 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

Just now, mr_engineer said:

Did you have good reason to reject them? 

 

I don't know if you consider this a good reason. 

But the most frequent reason is that I see no chemistry building between. I feel no spark, no attraction. They don't say much other than that they like me. They hardly hold a conversation. I'm not good at conversations either. So there's awkward silences and pauses. Not much to share. They don't engage me. Most of them are a bit Impatient. I like to take things slowly. They immediately want me to say yes to them. And I can't do that if I don't feel the connection. It builds up pressure to say yes just to satisfy them but I don't like doing that. So it ends in a rejection. Sometimes I give them time but it's the same thing again. They get Impatient wanting a quick answer from me without actually waiting to develop a connection. For me it's like a guy has to slowly warm up to me, be like a sweet friend, win my heart, read my mind, get mentally intimate before he can be sexual with me, otherwise I just don't feel it. I have never had casual sex, I'm not into that. I want a meaningful relationship. So I want a deep connection before sex. I think most guys who approach don't care about connection. They don't bother putting a lot of effort. I feel like they don't value relationships or even wanting to understand me fully. It's like they probably just want a girl. Maybe I'm wrong. But either way, whether they truly like me or not, in the absence of attraction, chemistry, connection I cannot really say yes. I want to feel like I really like the guy, and I want to find him charming and that romantic spark. 

 

 

[RendHeaven]

4 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

But the most frequent reason is that I see no chemistry building between. I feel no spark, no attraction.

That's reason enough for a hard no.

[mr_engineer]

23 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

But the most frequent reason is that I see no chemistry building between. I feel no spark, no attraction. They don't say much other than that they like me. They hardly hold a conversation. I'm not good at conversations either. So there's awkward silences and pauses. Not much to share.

Do you have an issue with silence? Cuz that's your opportunity to really connect and get to know them. 

If you don't really know someone, what would your 'chemistry' or 'spark' be based on? 

My fundamental question to you is - are you clear about what you want? Cuz if you're not, then rejecting someone who would've been a good option will feel like a self-betrayal to you. 

26 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

Most of them are a bit Impatient. I like to take things slowly. They immediately want me to say yes to them. And I can't do that if I don't feel the connection. It builds up pressure to say yes just to satisfy them but I don't like doing that. So it ends in a rejection.

When it comes to connection, you hold a lot of the power. To connect with someone, is to see them for who they are. You may not like what you see, which is fine. But, when you say you can't connect with someone, you're saying that you can't see them. So, this is something that you can fix on your end. 

I don't think this is a good reason. 99% sure about that. This will feel unfair to them and this may make you feel guilty. 

[mr_engineer]

I'll give you an example. 

Movies condition us to want to go for women who are light-hearted and bubbly in nature. That is our image of 'feminine radiance' that we're conditioned with, so to speak. 

Now, this is where I was coming from. And, I see this girl who is really serious. My first instinct was to blow her off, because 'she wasn't making me feel good'. But then, I realized that I knew nothing about her personality. She looked pretty decent, I was just making assumptions about her personality without knowing what I'm talking about. So, what I did is that I listened more closely to what she said. And, it turned out that she had some real wisdom! I developed an irresistible crush on her. She turns out to be the exact personality-type that I'm into! 

So, very strong warning to you to not assume that you know what you want. All that glitters is not gold and in the case of people, often-times, gold does not announce itself to you. You have to discover it. 

[Tyler Robinson]

It can be an exhausting process to text three guys at a time. 

Plus one more guy is waiting since 10 days. Now I don't even feel like texting him because I am feeling embarrassed that I made him wait too long. The struggle is real baby. 

It's hard with dating. Once you let them know you are single they all come on you like moths to flame. 

Very very hard for me. I haven't even slept well in the last week texting so many guys. Nobody is patient. I wish I could relax a bit. 

First I feel guilty that I'm not immediately replying to text 

Then I feel guilty that I reject. 

Oooooooof. 

 

 

[Kalki Avatar]

@Tyler Robinson Its on the way you do it. If you do it fair and nice theres no problem because you dont owe anything. They have to see this clearly. Try slowly descalating by less presence and then kindly answering their last text, plus telling them you prefer someone more of your kind.

I thought texting and dating different girls at the same time was hard only for men. Dating in general, specially these days with the mindsets and how social media has changed the game, sucks. I remember my self burning out of dating. You can get badly traumatized in dating too.

How can you deal with texting so much new people at the same time?

After that burnout I decided I will date when I simply see someone that captivates me. The rest is mostly a waste of time until it tells you its a waste of time and finally stops being a waste of time. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

2 minutes ago, Kalki Avatar said:

@Tyler Robinson Its on the way you do it. If you do it fair and nice theres no problem because you dont owe anything. They have to see this clearly. Try slowly descalating by less presence and then kindly answering their last text, plus telling them you prefer someone more of your kind.

I thought texting and dating different girls at the same time was hard only for men. Dating in general, specially these days with the mindsets and how social media has changed the game, sucks. I remember my self burning out of dating. You can get badly traumatized in dating too.

How can you deal with texting so much new people at the same time?

After that burnout I decided I will date when I simply see someone that captivates me. The rest is mostly a waste of time until it tells you its a waste of time and finally stops being a waste of time. 

 

Rejection is rejection whether you do it rudely or politely. It will always hurt. 

 

[Kalki Avatar]

@Tyler Robinson 

You cant control the other person's feelings. Its the ego who gets attached after investing its emotions for a couple of days, but they will pass quick. Either de-escalate to freeze his emotions or just ghost completely so his ego cant even react fully as it will lack evidence of why you dissapeared. Block and eliminate from all medias.

Do you know what are your kind of guys? 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

2 minutes ago, Kalki Avatar said:

@Tyler Robinson 

You cant control the other person's feelings. Its the ego who gets attached after investing its emotions for a couple of days, but they will pass quick. Either de-escalate to freeze his emotions or just ghost completely so his ego cant even react fully as it will lack evidence of why you dissapeared. Block and eliminate from all medias.

Do you know what are your kind of guys? 

 

I generally say — this is not going to work out. I'm sorry. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

2 minutes ago, Kalki Avatar said:

Do you know what are your kind of guys? 

I don't have a specific type in mind, at least not in the current moment. It depends on the energy of the guy interested in me. 

I like to see how compatible they are with me. Usually it means communicating respect for my needs and boundaries, zero pressure for sex. Being humble, not very argumentative. Trusting me 

For example some guy will ask me something like - are you into other guys while I'm with you? 

I find such a question in poor taste. It signals lack of trust. Sure that guy feels insecure and I get it. But it's too early for him to demand my full attention/devotion if he is not even my boyfriend yet. I sense a controlling vibe coming through those kind of questions. I find it Intrusive and obligatory. Why must I answer something like that? 

You know such things will make me want to reject the guy as soon as possible because he has already communicated that he is not compatible with me by showing lack of trust. 

So if he trying to argue right off the bat when he is not even my boyfriend, my heart says this is not my kind of guy. 

My kind will be someone willing to trust me and not make me defend myself all the time. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

37 minutes ago, KH2 said:

Jesus fucking Christ girl. I know everyone on this forum is trying to be politically correct, and nice and shit, and that's good to a degree, but you should really just finally let some guy actually fuck you, and finally move on with your life, towards pursuing more important things. You've been literaly stuck in the same fucking loop for YEARS AND YEARS.

And also mods, please do not give me warning points for this post, but instead straight up ban me please. I need to reduce my screen time and time spent on the internet heavily. Thanks

I don't really care what you think to be honest. You are so unstable that only God can save you. Maybe sort out your own life first. But you won't do that and start bickering about others. The fact that you need to be banned in order to have less screen time speaks of how little control you really have over your own messy life. That's like a kid that needs his video game taken away. You are a troubled human being and you need serious help and I say this in good faith. Nobody will tell you this because everyone is scared of offending you, you take things ultra seriously in an awkward kind of way, I wish you peace and healing. 

Edited October 23, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[OBEler]

@Tyler Robinson Yeah as a man I can tell it is true,that you want as fast as possible Sex. No deep connection needed for this. As a man you even not thinking about a relationship. This comes later, maybe

But there are also men who will be patient and slowly. But only when the girl want to take it slow. 

Edited October 23, 2022 by OBEler

[Tyler Robinson]

@OBEler yea I get that. But I need a man who also cares about my feelings. Maybe they can find a girl who is more into a casual sex lifestyle. I'm more committed in my relationships. 

[OBEler]

@Tyler Robinson Yeah there will be few. I know your state a bit because my girlfriend is similar as sensitive as you are. 

Only men with a good understanding of deep suffering and experiences in altered states of consciousness can come close to understand you. A normal man cannot imagine how deep sensitivity goes

Edited October 23, 2022 by OBEler

[Tyler Robinson]

 

1 minute ago, OBEler said:

@Tyler Robinson Yeah there will be few. I know your state a bit because my girlfriend is similar as sensitive as you are. 

Only men with a good understanding of deep suffering and experiences in altered states of consciousness can come close to understand you. A normal man cannot imagine how deep sensitivity goes

I so wish they did. Sometimes it also depends on the kind of bonding they have with their moms. 

 

[King Merk]

It’s the females job to sift out and reject men.

Most men will fuck anything that walks.

It’s up to the woman to do the sexual filtering & rejection 

[Tyler Robinson]

Just now, King Merk said:

It’s the females job to sift out and reject men.

Most men will fuck anything that walks.

It’s up to the woman to do the sexual filtering & rejection 

It's a hard thing to do. If you reject many, at some point it catches up to you and it feels like bad karma building up. 

[King Merk]

@Tyler Robinson I believe you that filtering out men to fuck is hard

Just like convincing women to fuck is hard

But hey, we’re made to fuck. It’s in our biology. I don’t think you’re developing bad karma by rejecting men…

But if you are then maybe it’s because you should be having more sex