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[eos_nyxia]

Relying on the strength and sanctity you feel from creating hard boundaries and distance... it's pretty relatable.

At some point in our lives, some of us come to the conclusion that this is the only viable way to do things, to preserve the self.

Typically: as long as you have a "strong" face in this way, there is always a "weak face" you have to protect. The two things are comorbid as they are. The thing that gives you a sense of strength and freedom also easily ends up feeling like the walls of a mile-high emotional prison. And the more you close it off in very strict and rigid ways, the more it festers, in the way that secrets and shame also festers when walled-off and left in the dark, unaccepted and untouched by anyone. The "weak face" always ends up catching up to the strong one... it's usually just a matter of how and when.

At the same time, it makes sense to protect yourself, especially by keeping your eyes open. Because your instinct is right, you absolutely can end up doing far more damage getting provoked by the wrong people, and getting stuck in the wrong dynamics.
 

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And in a way, I liked myself more that way, too. I was shielded, yes. My heart was kinda shut down. But I felt more powerful and "in control". I felt kinda untouchable.

I never really chased any girl in my life. Well, maybe with one exception. But I did have a tendency to lose myself a bit too much and become a bit too soft, if that makes any sense. I really would not like to F myself in the A here, again. I'd rather cut things off, or create some distance, even though at this point, that would be quite painful, I imagine. I really like this girl. Things got pretty deep and serious, fast. And that's kinda scary.

 

I totally get this feeling.

I'm not sure if this makes sense but... are you super attached (or even addicted) to the idea of people seeing you in a certain way?  (And if so, either way: does people seeing you in the way that you want to be seen... does that ultimately and truly serve you?)

What would it mean to let go of this sense? (And to not get yourself nuked, but to also not become "too soft"?)

[Leo Gura]

Read Way Of The Superior Man.

[The Mystical Man]

2 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Read Way Of The Superior Man.

Great book.

[Galyna]

@Leo Gura @ivankiss 

Yes, I agree with Leo, it is a good advice.

When I read "Dear Lover: A Woman's Guide to Men, Sex, and Love's Deepest Bliss" I was crying so much over that book. His books touched my heart so deeply, I had goose bumps on my skin when reading him. He describes this divine intimacy between men and women. 

I absolutely love David's philosophy about love, sex and relationship. You can find him on a YT as well.

Now, @ivankiss, no matter what you do, it is impossible to completely shield yourself from Love when it comes from your heart.  Being vulnerable requires courage, but it makes you invincible. 

If you guys love each other, go for it, do not be scared. You will grow so much stronger. So what if you are hurt at the end? If your heart stays open you will eventually attract a long-term partner who is on the same wavelength with you, through trial and error, a lover who will make you happy.  But to truly understand and form your inner feminine, you need to have experience and date other people.

Every person leads you to your ultimate lover who will lead you to God.

 

 

[ivankiss]

On 21/10/2022 at 8:02 PM, petar8p said:

I think it's good to tell her how you feel, something like what you wrote here. 

Well, we touched upon all these topics, multiple times. That's also what inspired me to create this tread. It's just she's kinda avoidant and not very comfortable with speaking of feelings and whatnot... It kinda leaves me unsatisfied after our conversations. I feel like we never truly reach a solid conclusion. We just kinda dip our toes into things and leave them there. 

I'm trying not to be too pushy. I'm way more comfortable with feelings in this dynamic. So I'm trying to be respectful and patient. 

On 21/10/2022 at 8:02 PM, petar8p said:

You can ask yourself what future version of yourself will this relationship most likely lead to? 

Well, it could lead to something either beautiful or disastrous. And I'm not sure if I'm willing to take that risk at this point of my life. But I like that thought. Thanks.

On 21/10/2022 at 8:32 PM, Loba said:

Why not just, stay together, see how it pans out, but put up a few walls, too? 

That's more or less the plan, yes. I'm enjoying what we have going on, even though it gets a bit painful/triggering here and there, for several reasons that I will not go into here. But I am also curious where this could go. I would not like to see it end just yet. Just being very cautious, I guess.

On 21/10/2022 at 8:32 PM, Loba said:

You're the guy, so you drive the pacing.  She follows.

Well, yeah, normally that would be the case. But this girl is different. She's this extremely independent diplomatic girl. An aspiring politician. She travelled half of the world, did all kinds of shit... It's the highest value girl I've ever been dating, for sure. But she's quite dominant. Surrendering and/or following is not really her thing. At least that's the impression I got so far.

She respects me and is able to surrender to me in a romantical sense. In the bedroom, etc. But when it comes to planning a life together and walking a path together, I think things would get quite challenging. We're both set in our ways and it could be difficult for two very independent and stubborn people with strong visions for their lives to create a third, common reality - so to speak - where we could meet and support each-other. But, on the other hand, if we were to make it work, I can see how this could be something truly beautiful. We could become one of those badass power couples lol. 

I think it's obvious to both of us that we need time and space to let things level out. So far the dynamic seems quite healthy. I don't think we're being foolish or rushing into things too fast. We're not fantasizing about a future together or anything like that. We're quite grounded in the present moment. Letting things unfold naturally. Still, we're both afraid to give our whole selves to this. It's obvious. It's just that we have different coping mechanisms, styles and strategies.

[ivankiss]

On 21/10/2022 at 11:41 PM, eos_nyxia said:

In my own experience, this is a dynamic that can be worked past with some effort (or probably a lot of effort). The question is, for what reason, and for who? What would make it truly worth it?

That's a good question... I don't really know. I guess I just don't want to end up being hurt, betrayed and disappointed once again. I guess I'm kinda looking for "the real deal" when it comes to relationships now. Either that, or I'm fine with being single. Fooling around with fuck buddies or whatever... But if I was to truly commit to this and put my heart and soul into it... Then I guess I'd like to see it blossom into something meaningful. Something that would last. Something stable and consistent. Something that would leave no space for doubt or second guessing. Something that would inspire growth and expansion in both of us. Bring the best out of us.

On 21/10/2022 at 11:41 PM, eos_nyxia said:

Are you both normally avoidant types? Or is there a lot of intermittent pushing and pulling between the both of you?

I'd say her attachment style is avoidant, yes. Mine is anxious. At least, it used to be. I've been working on that stuff, trying to reach secure attachment. I'm definitely not quite there yet though. Still getting quite anxious here and there, I noticed.

Definitely some pushing and pulling going on. But only when some distance is created between us. If we don't see each-other for a few days, let's say. Once we get close to each other again, it stops and we are able to trust and love each-other without all those games.

On 21/10/2022 at 11:41 PM, eos_nyxia said:

More importantly: whatever it is that you have, do you feel like the relationship between your shared give-take is pretty balanced overall?

I'd say so, yes. We both have trust issues. But once we open up, the giving-receiving dynamic seems balanced and healthy. Maybe I am just a bit more free with giving love than she is. But I do not mind that. I enjoy it.

On 21/10/2022 at 11:41 PM, eos_nyxia said:

If we're just talking about yourself: what strikes me is wondering what sort of relationship you have between commitment to your vision (what we typically think of as a more "mind-centered" reality, which tends to be more rigid and attached to specific ideas, visions, and outcomes) vs. being more open, flexible, and going with the flow of feeling and the moment ("of the heart")? Do you find that there is a lot of conflict between these two things, or that both do not quite meet up or are on the same page?

This might be the deeper issue beyond your relationship with one specific person, or even with romantic/ sexual love in general.
 

That's a good question. Definitely something to think about more deeply.

I'd say I'm having quite some difficulties with "going with the flow" nowdays. Mainly because I got burnt quite badly last time I completely let go of the wheel. I guess I'm now trying to achieve that balance between the two. And I might be swinging a bit to much to the opposite side, as a polar response to what I've been doing previously. I see it as an act of trying to balance myself out. It's a process. Not quite there yet, for sure.

Cannot say with absolute certainty for her anything though. I'm able to see her as more balanced than me and I'm also able to perceive a lack of balance, too.

On 21/10/2022 at 11:58 PM, eos_nyxia said:

I'm not sure if this makes sense but... are you super attached (or even addicted) to the idea of people seeing you in a certain way?  (And if so, either way: does people seeing you in the way that you want to be seen... does that ultimately and truly serve you?)

What would it mean to let go of this sense? (And to not get yourself nuked, but to also not become "too soft"?)

I oscillate between caring a lot about how I'm being seen and not giving a fuck at all. Yet another imbalance - could be said.

To let go of it and be balanced would probably mean peace, safety, true confidence, etc.

On 22/10/2022 at 1:31 AM, Leo Gura said:

Read Way Of The Superior Man.

Noted. Thanks.

On 22/10/2022 at 2:17 PM, Galyna said:

no matter what you do, it is impossible to completely shield yourself from Love when it comes from your heart.  Being vulnerable requires courage, but it makes you invincible. 

I agree, yes. It's just that I would put myself out there way too much and way too soon in the past... Hence why I'm being "overly cautious" now. It was not healthy what I was doing. Not for me, to for the relationship.

On 22/10/2022 at 2:17 PM, Galyna said:

If you guys love each other, go for it, do not be scared. You will grow so much stronger. So what if you are hurt at the end? If your heart stays open you will eventually attract a long-term partner who is on the same wavelength with you, through trial and error, a lover who will make you happy.  But to truly understand and form your inner feminine, you need to have experience and date other people.

Every person leads you to your ultimate lover who will lead you to God.

I hear you, thanks. 

I am afraid of pain and devastation. I'd want to avoid that by any cost. But I know that even it it happens it's ultimately only here to open me up even more. To make me stronger. To enable me to love more fearlessly and unconditionally. Myself first, and consequently another, too. 

[Galyna]

1 hour ago, ivankiss said:

I would put myself out there way too much and way too soon in the past...

I know. I did the same thing. So so so many times, and guess what? I will do it again. There is no one here to defend. You do not exist. 

I am not scared to be hurt. Because you cannot hurt me, I am the only one who hurts myself. Because there is no me. There is just this present moment, and it unfolds naturally. I don’t hold on to the past memories.

Live spontaneously, "be guided by spontaneity, not intention, intention carries pragmatism".

That's the beauty. You are being born every single second. Past has gone, those who hurt you deeply was there to open you up through pain and suffering. Actually, they loved you too. Leave them in the past. They are not in your reality. Look at your woman now. She is present with you and that is all that matters. You are scared because you want to control, and you don’t trust that these circumstances are the best for your growth now. 

The secret to bypass pain and suffering is to be fully present, responsive to what is.

I was so scared of the pain, but then I just realized that suffering is an illusion. What is wrong with this present moment? Think about it, whatever happens, you will deal with it from your best judgment. Let go and allow yourself to be loved and to love. Pain is just an emotion that comes and goes. Be vessel and allow this emotion to pass.

Edited October 23, 2022 by Galyna

[vladorion]

On 10/21/2022 at 10:00 AM, eTorro said:

No. It is not.

@Leo Gura is right.

Women get bored easily, especially when the guy is too available.

Women love mysterious guys.

I never take relationship advice from women, in the sense that women don't even understand themselves (like what they respond to in a guy). Women are driven by emotions.

If the guy is too nice, he gets rejected. If he's too available and chats non-stop on the phone, it is just a matter of time until the attraction wears off between the two of them.

If she loves you because you're mysterious, she doesn't love you. She wants to figure you out.

If, the moment you're an open book to her, she loses interest, she doesn't love you. I don't know why you would want to be with her if you have to hide yourself.

This whole thing you're describing is about managing how she perceives you in order to get her or not lose her, which is based in fear. It's more important to you to be attractive to her than to be yourself.

When you're truly self-confident you can be yourself and not care if she loses interest or not.