"intimacy"

[Judy2]

"Silence is the language of God, all else is poor translation."

         ~ Rumi

[Raptorsin7]

"Out beyond ideas of right doing and wrong doing there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about" Rumi

 

 

 

 

Edited December 30, 2022 by Raptorsin7

[Judy2]

@Raptorsin7 thank you♡

[Judy2]

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase “each other” doesn’t make any sense.
The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you."

           ~ Rumi

[Judy2]

"You are not a drop in the ocean, you are the ocean in a drop."

          ~ Rumi

[Judy2]

i can be in a room full of people, and still i feel lonely inside.
we can all hug twice a night to say hi and bye, and yet i am left feeling untouched, disconnected.

i wish i could just say out loud how i feel, verbalise some of my thoughts as they arise. tell them that i think i'm evil, that i hate my body and hate my face. maybe someone would care, but i don't want to be inappropriate.

i thought about this today, and after a while i also thought... even when i feel lonely, at least a few moments of genuine connection do occur when i'm around other people. my laughter may be a little hollow, but it can still be genuine.

and when i was tearing up in that rocking chair the other night, i noticed that a friend had come over to stand behind me and he started rocking the chair for me. 

Edited January 1, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

"What you have told me is quite a romance, a romance of art one might call it, and the worst of having a romance of any kind is that it leaves one so unromantic."

       ~ Oscar Wilde

[Judy2]

there is no "real existential problem".                     it is Okay to feel the way i feel.

[Judy2]

i am such a failure. i could be so perfect, but then i'm not. and now i really don't know what to do with myself.

[Judy2]

i am struggling a little when i try to share positive perspectives or experiences in this journal. maybe because my inner conflicts always seem so much more fundamental than the few decontextualised moments of joy and appreciation that almost seem structurally irrelevant. or because i feel like i'm either being silly or arrogant when i write about myself or my life in positive terms.

then again, i feel just as guilty for my imbalanced, mostly pessimistic entries in here. it might not be all too apparent from the outside - i guess most of the time it looks like i'm playing word games and jumping back and forth between the same five or six dualities - but expressing some of my emotions through language can trigger emotional releases and does not necessarily keep me stuck.

anyway, the point is that i feel like i should try to include some more positivity in here. i'm not quite sure how exactly (make lists?, impressionistic descriptions, note it down when i do feel good about myself in the same way that i'd do it when i feel bad about myself?) but i'll figure it out eventually. i'm just scared that i'm gonna sound selfish when one day i go like "i like my hair and my eyes" or whatever. 

[Judy2]

...it's probably not good that i'm so self-centred anyway. not sure how to resolve this.

[Judy2]

the kids i'm tutoring are just way too sweet and well-behaved. after our lessons i'm always so awfully aware that i'm an adult now, and at the moment they're also making me question my career goals. maybe i should become a teacher after all? but i don't even know which country i'll settle in, and i don't want to get bored with my job.

Edited January 6, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

i feel a hint of sadness and melancholy. as if anyone or anything in this Life could be "special" or "other". all of this is so unspeakably ordinary and mediocre. and all of the problems i've been so preoccupied with aren't even real.

how desperately i wanted them to be real! and now i can't help but cry because everything's the same to me.

[Judy2]

 

[Judy2]

...there's still sadness every time i realise that no matter what life i'll be living, it will be perfectly ordinary.

[Judy2]

i'm very grateful for my friends.

[Judy2]

"By not making a choice, you've made a choice."

[Judy2]

 

[Judy2]

i wish i was gone

i wish i could just watch and marvel at Life from a distance

i love you all so much, i care so much about every single one of you

but i wish i was gone

i wish i didn't have to have legs and arms, thoughts and feelings

i wish i didn't know what it's like to feel the cool evening breeze on my skin, or the sweetness of words on my mind

[Judy2]

i tend to feel as though i don't have a right to be

maybe because i can see how much of a privilege it is

 

but i mean i'm already here