"intimacy"

[Judy2]

aaah....struggling with that profile picture again. I'd love to have one, just to prove to myself that I can. But it's so difficult to select one that I'm happy with, and then I get lost looking back at old pictures. It's so stressful when I get started thinking too much about my appearance.

[Salvijus]

Congrats 👏

Edited March 29 by Salvijus

[Judy2]

@Salvijus 🙏🏻

[Judy2]

in the mood to share some mean, unenlightened thoughts 

 

i'm staying with grandma for now.

it's probably 99% a me-problem because i admit i'm difficult around people....don't know what it is with family, but somehow having them around makes me oscillate all the way from being clingy and attached to trying to distance myself as much as i possibly can. 

grandma's idiosyncratic.

she's overweight, probably obese. 93 kg (205 lbs). i know because i managed her medical stuff when we were on holiday. i feel disdain for that woman when i look at her. 

my mum has gained a lot of weight, too - probably because of menopause. it makes me shudder when i think that this might be my genetic destiny....i don't want to end up like them. i don't ever want to look like that.

anyway, more complaining....grandma's got that hectic energy. she storms into rooms and around corners in a way that literally startles me. yesterday i screamed out twice because of the manner in which she suddenly, abruptly entered the living room. today she entered the kitchen in a similar fashion and i startled again, and when i told her about it, she immediately deflected and said how i (standing there calmly) am the one who's hectic ...because i had put something in the dishwasher which apparently did not belong in there.

maybe it's the age difference...56 years just make it so that we can't really relate and don't have a lot to talk about. you can tell that she's kind of conservative and very rigid in her mind. she probably received an education that was very different from mine...so i can't really blame her and i guess it's okay that we aren't totally at ease with each other. 

i remember really liking her when i was little and she taught me a lot about how to cook, bake, and do things around the household. so i don't know....still not fully at ease, but i guess it is what it is.

Edited Tuesday at 12:25 PM by Judy2

[Schizophonia]

  On 4/8/2025 at 0:18 PM, Judy2 said:

 

my mum has gained a lot of weight, too - probably because of menopause. it makes me shudder when i think that this might be my genetic destiny....i don't want to end up like them. i don't ever want to look like that.

That's what I was saying to @Sugarcoat ;Too much German blood, you are doomed to become fat, wear sandals and slippers, and annoy my colleagues in the south of France every summer.

Jk

[Schizophonia]

  On 4/8/2025 at 1:58 PM, Judy2 said:

@Schizophonia weight gain can actually be a very sensitive topic for some women, in case you are not aware...

Not just for women; I myself was on the verge of anorexia in high school.
You have nothing to fear if you're at least a little careful; It takes a lot of willful indulgence or a metabolic disease to become obese or even overweight.

 

[Sugarcoat]

  On 4/8/2025 at 1:55 PM, Schizophonia said:

That's what I was saying to @Sugarcoat ;Too much German blood, you are doomed to become fat, wear sandals and slippers, and annoy my colleagues in the south of France every summer.

Jk

lol

[Sugarcoat]

It’s not like you gain 50 kg overnight it’s gradual and you always have the power to stop it through a calorie deficit. Even if you gain some you could lose it anytime it’s not like you’re trapped in some weight 

[Judy2]

  On 4/8/2025 at 7:24 PM, Judy2 said:

whenever i notice that i am not a separate entity in the sense that my own emotions are highly susceptible to be influenced by the people around me and their emotional states.... i feel very unsafe and vulnerable.

for example, if i speak with my mum on the phone and she's in a bad mood, that will necessarily have some kind of impact on me, even if it is very subtle. this is kind of obvious and normal, but at the same time scary, if you think about it. although i probably wouldn't be too happy being all on my own either. the mere fact that such a transmission of emotions can happen makes me uncomfortable even in situations when the real effect i notice is only subtle.

i wonder if it is possible to reframe this physical, emotional transparency in such a way that it stops being scary.

not sure if this is relatable in any way@Flowerfaeiry if it isn't, that's okay and i might just be a bit weird in that regard.

this is something i have been thinking about lately.

it might have something to do with the presumed personality disorder that i may or may not have, and the way i process emotions. people's emotions affecting one another and bouncing off of each other is so normal and natural, yet it can freak me out immensely whenever i notice it.

 

i am not separate, and maybe that should be comforting...or maybe i would wish to be a separate entity. maybe i am trying really, really hard to be separate.

i notice that i am this leaf that's blown in the wind and anyone and anything can just do to me whatever they want.... how very vulnerable.

and i wish to be more separate, completely separate, invulnerable... (which ties in neatly with the realisation that loneliness is a function of the ego; it is not that i am alone, but that i am separate)

 

now what's required might either be to become a more stable "self" and orient myself in such a way that my separation becomes steadier and less vulnerable to attack...which is probably valid and something to work on? so people can't walk all over me or use me or hurt me as easily.

or i might need to deconstruct separation altogether? 

maybe both.

 

i don't know if i am making sense here...