"intimacy"

[Judy2]

i'm into embroidery now:) it's quite enjoyable and actually kind of addictive. a friend got me interested in it and i figured it'd be a suitable alternative to help me reduce my screen time. it's rather calming, even meditative, and i get a nice end result that looks pretty.

other than that i guess i'm still struggling with loneliness. i don't have any classes left except for Portuguese and French, and the remaining work i'm expected to do now (papers, thesis) has to be done alone. i'm trying to reach out to people but my friends don't seem to have a lot of time. it's generally quite dull and depressing being on my own all the time and i feel like i could really use someone to talk to more regularly.

Edited November 10, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

 

[Judy2]

i've been trying to feel okay and keep moving in life, but this evening i noticed some sadness in my system and now i'm crying.

i don't want this to be true but the loneliness thing makes me feel so ashamed and like it's all my fault. a part of me believes that, if i was better, if i was enough, i would never have become such a solitary character... and then this makes me feel sad again.

no one even cares about me. no one wants me. 

what's worse is that it seems like my entire unhappiness and about a decade of mental health struggles (or at least the three years after i started recovering from my ed, but still couldn't manage to cure my mind) might very well have been caused by something as simple as a bit of isolation - and that's just way too simple and easy. that's just ridiculous. so much so that it'd almost feel quite lamentable if i went on now, got myself a handful more friends and turned out to be "happy". i've already invested way too much energy into hating myself, i can't just drop that now...

[MuadDib]

):

Edited November 27, 2023 by MuadDib

[Judy2]

this week i got a new French student to tutor and i'm actually quite enthusiastic about this now.

turns out i also found a family in need of a babysitter, and now i'll get to look after their two little boys every now and then:)

other than that i'm super busy and got so much going on all at once, which is kind of overwhelming at times. i've been working on my papers for two months and still can't hand them in because i suck at getting my structure right. i'm also super slow, probably because i'm so scared of messing this up and disappointing my teachers/professors. besides, i'm distracted thinking about what will happen for me after i got my degree.

i've been praying that the MSc Psychology Conversion route will work out for me, but we'll have to see...

Edited December 3, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

i'm being so immature all the time. and i'd know better than this, i really would. i'm wiser than this.

...but then i keep acting so stupid because i feel so hurt and all i care about is to protect myself from feeling bad.

[MuadDib]

v.v 

[MuadDib]

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[RickyFitts]

I've just googled 'v.v meaning', and apparently in emoji form it expresses sadness or great dismay.

Though maybe MuadDid just leant on their keyboard, Christ knows.

[Judy2]

 

[Judy2]

i'm in pain. i'm lonely. i want help.

 

if i dropped dead in this second or did something to myself, no one would notice or care. no one would miss me. no one sees how much of a mess i am, no one sees that i'm in pain.

i've been reaching out and asking for help, but no one's really there. 

got stitches twice last month and the only thing the doctor had to say was "use a fresh blade next time".

went to speak to another doctor afterwards and he said they can't admit me given that i'm not sufficiently suicidal to require emergency treatment.

i've been waiting for treatment for months and i'll probably have to keep waiting until Christmas.

[gettoefl]

5 hours ago, Judy2 said:

i'm in pain. i'm lonely. i want help.

 

if i dropped dead in this second or did something to myself, no one would notice or care. no one would miss me. no one sees how much of a mess i am, no one sees that i'm in pain.

i've been reaching out and asking for help, but no one's really there. 

got stitches twice last month and the only thing the doctor had to say was "use a fresh blade next time".

went to speak to another doctor afterwards and he said they can't admit me given that i'm not sufficiently suicidal to require emergency treatment.

i've been waiting for treatment for months and i'll probably have to keep waiting until Christmas.

You are always missed Judy ... for the small comfort it is, know that I notice and care ... Really sorry to hear of your struggles and suffering

You are amazing and always will be

[Judy2]

@gettoefl (:

1 hour ago, gettoefl said:

You are always missed Judy ...

you don't know that:)

1 hour ago, gettoefl said:

You are amazing and always will be

you don't know me:) i'm a stranger on the internet, a few pixels on a screen.

Edited September 13 by Judy2

[gettoefl]

15 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

@gettoefl (:

you don't know that:)

you don't know me:) i'm a stranger on the internet, a few pixels on a screen.

that's how you feel then but not how i feel:)

[Michael569]

Hope you're well Judy.

Here if you wanna talk to someone 👋🏻

[Judy2]

@gettoefl okay:) thank you

@Michael569 thank you:) i appreciate it and hope you're well, too.

[Salvijus]

Come to monte sahaja if you're free to go. 

[Judy2]

@Salvijus are you there rn?

[Salvijus]

12 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

@Salvijus are you there rn?

Yeah, well technically nearby there. But almost the same thing. 

[Judy2]

2 hours ago, Salvijus said:

Yeah, well technically nearby there. But almost the same thing. 

realistically, i'm not sure if i can go:)

but i hope you'll have a wonderful time there🙏🏻