"intimacy"

[Salvijus]

@Judy2 yea i have good feeling about the trip:) anxiety just means adventure now, hehe.

[Judy2]

Just now, Salvijus said:

@Judy2 yea i have good feeling about the trip:)

thank you:) i hope you're doing well!

[Salvijus]

[Judy2]

so today's the day, i'll get on the plane this evening. 

for the past few hours, and probably days, i've been feeling super anxious, stressed, nervous.

i hate myself, i want to cry.

[Judy2]

i'm trying to be positive and excited, but i'm also rather terrified.

it's been a long day and i was going to share a more detailed report...about how huge the airport was, that this was my first time flying on my own and my first time having to switch planes in a random city, that i've been concerned and worried about so many things, and overall just anxious. sometimes i'm calmer and then i realise again how crazy insane and unsafe this is... i thought the flight might be the hardest part, but maybe the next few days will be just as challenging? i didn't want this to be "a challenge" though...hm...

now i'm in my air bnb, glad i remembered to bring my night light from home so that i can feel a tiny bit safer when i go to bed. my flat mates are making too much noise though...i dislike that.

i really hope the next few days will be easier. 

[Judy2]

today i went to see As You Like It at the Globe:)

[gettoefl]

[Judy2]

51 minutes ago, gettoefl said:

(:

Edited September 28, 2023 by Judy2

[gettoefl]

someone is proud of you, hope you enjoy you trip judy, you are the real deal

[Salvijus]

1 hour ago, Judy2 said:

i just feel like i'm such a strange person, i'm completely clueless as to what i'm even doing.

You're supposed to take bunch of pictures and selfies and post them on your fb or something. that's what tourism is all about.

Jokes aside. I can actually imagine how awkward you feel out there lol. It's not that bad tho

Edited September 28, 2023 by Salvijus

[Salvijus]

20 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

although i'd like to get one pretty picture of myself... but apparently that's not possible?

One moment of genuine "wow this feels great" everyone should find on their trip. That's usually a good picture aswell. You can consider the trip a success then

Edited September 28, 2023 by Salvijus

[Judy2]

i've been feeling embarrassed about my posts again, so i deleted some 

now, technically there are lots of things i could write about, but it's all so much that i don't know where to begin and where to end.

yesterday i was feeling rather sad, today mostly just tired. i went for an evening walk with a friend and we talked about what's going on in his personal life. if i think about it now, i feel sort of honoured that he opened up to me like that even though he was feeling shy about it. somehow i never get the chance to be particularly vulnerable around him, but perhaps that isn't so bad because i'm able to be more receptive, calm and compassionate then...actually i'm sort of happy to see how i say all the right things and ask all the right questions. i felt the same way a few months ago, when he talked to me about how he calls a particular phase in his childhood the nazi-phase. he's a history student, so for him that's the most fitting label he can use to demonise his hurt inner child...and still he's so drawn to history as a subject...i don't know, i think it's peculiar and have been wanting to share this at some point. he really is a very kind, respectful person...sometimes too kind and polite, i feel.

(...)

Edited October 6, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

 

[Judy2]

i have a profile picture on WhatsApp now:)

sounds so simple but for me it's a big deal. i haven't had one in three years and at first i took it down again because the longer i was looking at it, the more imperfections i noticed.

[Judy2]

i just want to disappear right now because no matter what i do, it's wrong, and i'm always the problem.

[Judy2]

it's hard to stop being anxious right now. i would like to, but it feels like there are all sorts of objective reasons to be concerned and worried, and there's not a thing i can do to fix any of it.

everything's wrong with me, and i'll always get hurt.

 

....and it's like Life is this endless tragedy. every morning i wake up to the same old drama, i'm never quite comfortable, always tense and worried. everything's so heavy, all the time. can't things be simple and easy for once?

Edited October 11, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

in the morning and around noon i was doing fine, but later today the anxiety came back and i can't quite let go of it now.

i suppose the difficult part is
to be fully aware that people will die, i'll die, i'll get hurt, i'll get my heart broken, there'll be moments when i'll feel scared and ashamed and worried, there'll be conflicts, tragedy, death, loss and sadness....to be fully aware that all of these things are a part of life, while allowing myself to feel joy and happiness, to feel light and at ease, too. 

but how can i feel joy and love, knowing that pain and sadness are inevitable?

how could i possibly relax and let things be simple when i KNOW how hard and complicated everything can be? i don't know how to stop looking at the dark side of things all the time, because looking away won't make them go away, and if i know there's a chance i'll get hurt, i want to be prepared....i don't want any bad surprises, i'd rather expect the worst at all times.

it feels like i must grieve now, and maybe i'll never stop, and maybe i'll never truly live, because Life will hurt me, again and again....and i'm here now, i'm exposed, i'm vulnerable.

 

...and i care about you now, and i really wish i didn't because already, my heart is breaking. it pains me to love, open up and be vulnerable
when i know i'll get hurt, again and again.

how am i supposed to be calm then, and enjoy the good things....when i know it'll all end in pain? 

if it all has to end sooner or later, why live? why love? why be? why care?

why be vulnerable, why get close, open up, if i know that sooner or later we'll have to say goodbye and maybe i'll bleed to death, because you stabbed me, and maybe i'll break? 

Edited October 12, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

today i spoke to my professor and asked her to be the supervisor for my BA thesis. she's been very sweet and suggested i have a look at Edgar Allan Poe's short stories since i'd expressed my interest in doing a psychoanalytical reading. when i started reading "The Tell-Tale Heart", i began to wonder if this is such a good idea. the entire process of writing a thesis is already intimidating in of itself, and it would add yet another layer of anxiety if i had to write about horror stories...but okay, we'll have to see.

after that my ocd got twice as bad and i guess it generally was a long and exhausting day. i'm currently getting started with another Portuguese class and i'm also taking a French class - apparently i'm already a C1 in French, which is hard to believe. it's a shame to see how many credits i could get for taking all these classes when i no longer need them on paper...but i want to keep practising anyway and i suppose i need something to keep me sane and grounded this term...

Edited October 17, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

 

[Judy2]

sometimes it seems to me like everybody else is perfectly happy, and i'm not. my life's a mess, and maybe i'll never get there.