"intimacy"

[RickyFitts]

6 hours ago, Judy2 said:

i am sick of this constant need to know, understand, interpret and analyse my life.

is this normal? is it actually necessary to overthink and analyse things as much as i do? - i have absolutely no idea.

I had this issue when I was suffering with chronic anxiety a few years back, I realised after a while of observing myself closely that it was my mind's unconscious attempt to deal with strong, unresolved emotions - it's a dysfunctional coping strategy that I probably developed from a very young age. I really had to develop sensitivity in my body in order to overcome this issue.

[Judy2]

@RickyFitts yes, i think i do it to stay safe and make sure that everything's okay. i'm always on the lookout for something that could potentially be wrong, so that it won't surprise me in an inconvenient moment later on.

[RickyFitts]

@Judy2 I can relate to that to a painful extent, I completely understand that mindset.

[Judy2]

 

[Judy2]

so i'm staying with my grandma again. for some reason, watering the plants in her garden is the most calming, meditative job ever:) 

[Judy2]

i'm supposed to be writing one of my last term papers right now, but my teacher can't be bothered to reply to my emails and i'll need an extension of the deadline anyway....so procrastination it is.

this morning i went to see a social worker on campus and didn't think much of it until he said something crucial about how i should apply for the Bachelor programme in psychology before i got my degree in British Studies, and not after, as this would significantly influence my chances of being accepted for the programme. i'm glad that i got this piece of information in time.

now i'm thinking about how and where i'll spend the next 13 months before i can get started with psychology. i'm trying to be positive and relaxed, have faith that it will all work out just fine - but at the same time i'm still a bit stressed and overwhelmed.

in general i've been trying to worry less - a) it's unnecessary and b) it's not helping -, although oftentimes i find that i'm still very agitated, even if i know and try to believe that everything's alright. in those situations i tend to write in my private journal over and over again how i see that it's all okay, all good, everything's okay!, it's okay! it's all okay!....but then that itself becomes such an obsessive thing to do. 

anyway, in the next two to three weeks i'll still be super busy finishing my last three papers. i wasn't too worried about that until a few days ago, but now i'm starting to feel stressed and overwhelmed. well, i guess i'll have to try and enjoy the process, do things one step at a time. it's okay. it'll be okay...

Edited August 30, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

this year might have been the messiest, most chaotic one i've had so far. lots of back-and-forth decision-making in numerous areas of my life, so much so that it's almost ridiculous. where do i live, what do i do, when am i where, who am i with, etc. 

i don't appreciate the uncertainty, constantly having to revise my plans and come up with something new. i can do a little bit of that, but this year it has definitely been too much. 

i would love to relax and worry less, and at this point i'm really working on that. but it's still a lot, and i feel so, so much at times.

i just want to have faith that it will all be okay....now can i? and how will that help....?  

Edited September 1, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

 

[Judy2]

James Blunt has been missing here mostly because i couldn't decide which songs i'd prefer to have in my journal.

i actually got to see him live last year:) the location was pretty posh and i felt a little underdressed and anxious, but it was still a great experience. on stage his presence is more powerful than you'd expect and he isn't as much of a softie lol....although technically he's an INFJ just like me, which explains a lot ♡

 

 

[Judy2]

i'm still really annoyed with mum right now. for all sorts of reasons.

she's a good mother. always trying to be supportive, never lets me down.

but sometimes we get in each other's way with our emotions and the things we say. even though we ultimately both want the same thing: to both be happy and get along well.

[Judy2]

 

[Judy2]

i've had a pretty intense mental breakdown around noon, mostly because i'm hormonal and there are so many emotions, but i don't have the time to simply be and feel because i have to finish the longest term paper ever and there's so much pressure. so it's like i can't even afford to look after my emotions.

it's all too much and right now i don't even know what to do or how to deal with any of it. 

i'm a complete mess.

my neighbours heard me crying and now they'll just think i'm crazy. embarrassing.

 

i wish somebody could hold me

i wish someone could sit here next to me and stay with me, while allowing me to stay in bed and keep crying until i'm done

i wish i had time to calm down, but i don't even have that. 

i'm expected to keep working, but maybe i can't, but maybe i have to.

it's all pretty incoherent in my head so this post won't be coherent either. just stream of consciousness i guess. i can always delete it later.

Edited September 9, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

it would be much more fun to feel all these crazy deep emotions if i was at least sure about my self-worth and personal safety throughout all of it. if that was settled and no longer up for debate, i think i'd honestly appreciate and enjoy the presence of all of my emotions so much more.

if only i could feel all these emotions without needing to buy into the stories that are attached to them. if only i never had to believe even for a second that i'm unworthy or ugly or unsafe. if only i could just know i'm cute even though i'm having a meltdown. even though i'm lying on the floor and making weird noises. 

one of my favourite spiritual teachers talks about this quite a lot: feeling the emotion without believing the thoughts and stories. it's difficult for me to get this, but sometimes i do get it. i just don't know if that's really an option. to feel scared and sad and all sorts of things, but still know i'm cute. especially since i know that believing the stories is in fact also an option, so how do i know for sure that they're not true? and isn't the purpose of emotions to make you believe the stories, to keep you safe? sounds kind of suicidal then to desensitize myself to the degree that i'll no longer even be able to feel alarmed when things are obviously wrong...

Edited September 9, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

my professor sent a mean reply to an email and now i feel a little bad about myself. last week i was surprised to get a very sympathetic, kind reply from him, but today he basically used very formal language to tell me "shut up and stop asking such stupid questions, bitch!" 

i'm generally very scared of him, because his temper seems unpredictable, and i suppose his expectations are very high.

Edited September 19, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

in many regards i'm probably doing better than i did at the beginning of the year, but i'm still struggling. in the past few days a lot of negativity towards myself has built up again.

i feel quite alone with this, i feel like no one sees or understands me. which is kind of painful.

i feel like i'm ugly, fat, inferior, not good enough, not pretty enough.

Edited September 21, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

i had a rough day yesterday, but i'm really trying to let that go and see that it's all okay.

this morning i woke up feeling quite excited about my upcoming trip to London:) i have already booked my flights and a room in a shared air bnb, and i'm really hoping to have a good time! it's true that i'm still having mixed feelings about it, but i'll try and focus on how exciting this will be. i've got a list of things i'd like to do and places i'd like to visit, and if i'm lucky my flat mates will be open to spending some time together as well.

[Salvijus]

6 hours ago, Judy2 said:

this morning i woke up feeling quite excited about my upcoming trip to London:) i have already booked my flights and a room in a shared air bnb, and i'm really hoping to have a good time!

?

Cool:)

[Judy2]

2 hours ago, Salvijus said:

?

?

does it sound too basic?

[Salvijus]

1 hour ago, Judy2 said:

?

does it sound too basic?

I like the "I don't know what's gonna happen" vibe actually.

[Judy2]

2 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

I like the "I don't know what's gonna happen" vibe actually.

i don't. i'm freaking out right now and don't know if i'll manage to let go of the anxious feelings. 

there's just so much uncertainty and i can never get rid of it. i really wish i could.