"intimacy"

[Judy2]

in the past few weeks i have become increasingly interested in interior design. 

my apartment is tiny and i guess at some point in the past i have grown to despise it. i sort of forgot that trying to make the best of the small space available to me was even an option and only thought about how desperately i want to move to a new place.

well, recently i somehow became aware that i can simply declutter and re-organise my current living space. i've always been passionate about this so it's somewhat shocking that i just completely ignored my potential in this area....to aestheticise my life and make "lifestyle" a form of art and creative expression.

now, this is more of an ongoing project given that i'm also very busy studying for exams and writing essays - although this may actually be beneficial since it gives me some time to reflect on the next steps i want to take when i get back to it. yesterday i cleaned and reorganised my bathroom... and now every time i walk in there i look at that transparent jar with cotton pads and i open my tiny drawer just to see how "neat and tidy" everything is. something about that pleases my senses aesthetically.

i'm not a huge fan of useless items anyway, so for the most part i'm just trying to throw out some of the stuff i don't actually need, while putting the things i do use into sweet little boxes or arranging them in ways where a useful item suddenly seems artistic in of itself.

i've never been a particularly artistically gifted person, i'm a horrible painter....but i do like keeping a household lol. and perhaps this element has been missing: to aestheticize my living space just generally makes me feel better about myself, because then it feels like the "normal" elements of my everyday life are somehow inherently beautiful. (whereas before, i was quite depressed, and everything - even my own apartment - seemed ugly).

as usual, my mind is trying to turn this into a whole debate now, trying to figure out if this is good or bad or what it says about my character. *stress*. i do want to share this though, mostly to capture the feeling i have whenever i perceive this development in a positive light.

Edited July 17, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

i just wanna know that everything is okay and that it will all be okay. i could be so happy then & feel good about myself.

but i'm not, and i don't. i'm constantly doubting, constantly scared that something bad will happen, constantly paranoid that all the good things will be taken away from me. i hate this, and i can't make it stop.

why can't i just relax?

[Judy2]

i know i'm a little nuts....sorry.

ultimately i keep writing the same things over and over again, and every time i have something positive to say i make it very clear that i am still feeling conflicted about it.

i'm aware of that and i do feel kind of guilty because of it. - maybe i shouldn't because apparently this is what's needed at the moment? i don't know.

 

oh, also: the number of views that this journal has does intimidate me. it's probably just the same handful of people visiting this thread regularly - the question is, do i even feel connected to this particular audience? (i probably don't?) ... i don't even know why i'm still here but sometimes it's helpful. 

[Judy2]

i find that the original is a little too busy with all the stuff going on in the background, so here's a cover...

 

...and here's the original

 

você é assim
um sonho pra mim
e quando eu não te vejo

eu penso em você
desde o amanhecer
até quando eu me deito

eu gosto de você
eu gosto de ficar com você
meu riso é tão feliz contigo
o meu melhor amigo é o meu amor

e a gente canta
e a gente dança
e a gente não se cansa
de ser criança
da gente brincar
da nossa velha infância

seus olhos, meu clarão
me guiam dentro da escuridão
seus pés me abrem o caminho
eu sigo e nunca me sinto só

você é assim
um sonho pra mim
quero te encher de beijos

eu penso em você
desde o amanhecer
até quando eu me deito

eu gosto de você
eu gosto de ficar com você
meu riso é tão feliz contigo
o meu melhor amigo é o meu amor

e a gente canta
a gente dança
a gente não se cansa

de ser criança
a gente brinca
a nossa velha infância

seus olhos meu clarão
me guiam dentra da escuridão
seus pés me abrem o caminho
eu sigo e nunca me sinto só

você é assim
um sonho pra mim
você é assim

você é assim
um sonho pra mim
você é assim...

Edited July 17, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

i am beautiful.

and it's really annoying that i keep forgetting this.

[Judy2]

right now i feel lost, lonely and unsafe.

and i feel like i need someone to take care of me, but there's no one there.

[Judy2]

i would like to show some gratitude and appreciation for the positive things that have been happening lately. feels a bit weird but perhaps it's a good step:)

        ....................................................

• i have a new neighbour and we already went on a walk together. he seems really nice and i imagine it's good for me to get to know some people.

• i'm almost done with my final exams. and by final i mean FINAL - after that it's only term papers (which isn't necessarily better, but okay) and my thesis and i'll be done with my BA.

• i appreciate that my living space is a little cleaner, tidier and more welcoming these days.

• i have been selling and giving away some items that i no longer need. and i didn't do so as to "reject them"; instead i showed appreciation and hope that they will bring joy to other people who can make better use of them.

• white tops and t-shirts suit me. which is super random but i like it every time.

• the cover of my current (non-digital) journal is really beautiful, with different flowers on it but in a way that doesn't look silly, childish or cheap.

• i love the song i linked above.

• i will keep learning Portuguese, even though i no longer need the credits:) it's a beautiful language. also, i think my social anxiety during Portuguese class got at least a tiny bit better throughout the course of the semester. in the beginning i was just so overwhelmed.

• i just remembered one moment a few weeks ago, when i folded my umbrella inside the building after our Portuguese lesson. then an exchange student from Italy was like "that's bad luck!", i was like "whatever i have bad luck already, this won't make any difference", and then that other girl called Clarissa told me that negative+negative =positive...something like that. and it's kind of stupid but i really appreciated that she cared enough to tell me that. for me it did make a difference, even though it's just words.

Edited July 20, 2023 by Judy2

[Salvijus]

14 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

• i have a new neighbour and we already went on a walk together. he seems really nice and i imagine it's good for me to get to know some people.

Oooh

See... ?the power of heart's desire?

Great list in general btw

Edited July 20, 2023 by Salvijus

[Judy2]

@Salvijus lol:)

[Judy2]

...well now i'm embarrassed. cause apparently i'm a little cringe.

[Judy2]

i normally don't, but in the past few days i have been feeling ashamed of myself for having all these mental problems, and for feeling the way i feel. maybe it's all my fault. it's just one more thing that's wrong with me and if i was wiser and more intelligent, i wouldn't be struggling as much.

...am i not allowed to feel hurt?

it hurts all the more when people tell me to simply drop it, tell me to un-want and un-need love and support.

i don't think that's how it works. if it did work that way, all of this would be resolved much quicker. i wouldn't have needed to let all the hurt eat me up and eat away at my body. i could have contained that hurt somehow, would have been able to tuck it away and hide it.

but i couldn't do that, and now the only thing i'm ever told is that it's inappropriate for me to be so sad all the time.

 

then the other side of this is that of course, in a way i like sitting in bed and sobbing until my face is soaked. when i'm healthy, will i just lose my ability to cry like that? i don't wanna lose that... i don't wanna stop feeling.

[Judy2]

it confuses me when i really do feel the way i feel, but then i am supposed to assume that i am just playing it up unnecessarily.

[Judy2]

i really haven't been doing great today and spent most of the time just feeling bad about myself.

then later a friend and i went to see the new Barbie film. it was actually quite nice and i mean it's trying at least a tiny bit to be construct-aware. 

i liked that they said there's an anxiety Barbie and an OCD Barbie....made us all feel very represented. and i also liked that the last line was "i'm here to see my gynecologist".

when the film was over i left not knowing if i feel better or worse than before. maybe both. or maybe i do feel better for now, but my life is still full of problems. like the fact that my face isn't perfectly symmetrical.

[Judy2]

On 06/08/2023 at 10:01 PM, Judy2 said:

i really haven't been doing great today and spent most of the time just feeling bad about myself.

then later a friend and i went to see the new Barbie film. it was actually quite nice and i mean it's trying at least a tiny bit to be construct-aware. 

i liked that they said there's an anxiety Barbie and an OCD Barbie....made us all feel very represented. and i also liked that the last line was "i'm here to see my gynecologist".

when the film was over i left not knowing if i feel better or worse than before. maybe both. or maybe i do feel better for now, but my life is still full of problems. like the fact that my face isn't perfectly symmetrical.

okay i have to add another point.

i HATED the Billie Eilish song they played at the end of the film. it's really quite horrible.

 

horribly sad and deep. i find it hard to see how everything seems to be so intermingled nowadays. like it's a comedy and it's fun, but at the same time they're addressing the deepest existential troubles and emotions of despair, confusion and sadness. it's kind of twice as bad when we all know it's a film made for kids, but then as an adult it feels so heavy and the song is everything but a happy ending. i hate that as an adult, there's this whole new layer revealed, where everything light and sweet comes with a side of heaviness, and you can't separate the two. and that's exactly what the song is about, which makes it so much more horrible. the Universe really is mocking me. (or maybe i'm just really good at overinterpreting....or maybe both...)

so somehow it is required of me to hold space for both, to be happy and sad, "cause that's what adults have to do". would be so much easier if i could just decide on one and stick with it. but everything seems so complicated when there's both, when there's so much.

i don't feel resilient enough to navigate all of this.

i don't feel resilient.

 

....speaking of which, another video i have been wanting to share here. might be a little awkward cause it is so out of context, but this is from a show that was recommended to me and it's basically the same thing: a comedy that gets so sad, even though it's never really explicitly sad, but it's still impossible to miss it. i was sobbing pretty hard throughout this scene...

 

 

~ sometimes i notice that i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing...

Edited August 8, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

i can feel myself getting sentimental....hate it. perhaps it's just all too much - time and change, the good and the bad, and the good despite the good and the bad.

 

i know i will probably move to another city soon, but then sometimes i notice that despite my general lack of roots here, there are still good things, good people, that i'll have to leave behind.

this morning i was at the library with my friend Sara. on our way back i couldn't help but think that she's been a good friend and neighbour to me, and i've tried to be a good friend to her, too. we supported each other mutually while going through a number of our very own, unique, challenging life situations. makes me cry... 

i think Life is just too huge for me. too complex. it's beautiful, but also quite brutal.

 

....and then i notice how i'm getting lost thinking too much about how i feel and what's going on, such that i can barely focus on anything else.

why can't i just feel joy and appreciation for what is, rather than thinking all the time about the things that are wrong, or about how i'll inevitably have to leave things behind sooner or later?

Edited August 10, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

 

 

 

[Judy2]

i'm a little angry at myself because of something i've been noticing in regards to some of my posts in the more active discussion threads.

so sometimes, as one does, i have an opinion on something and feel like it might be a valuable contribution to a given topic. but then i'm so insecure if i even perceive things correctly - i don't trust my gut, i'm scared that people will think i'm overreacting - such that i end up toning down what i actually wanted to say, perhaps using the wrong words....and i know i could just say nothing when i'm not sure and too scared, but the truth is i want to be able to speak my mind, even when i'm scared and even if there's a risk that i will feel embarrassed or misunderstood later...i want to be able to point out the things that i see....but then i really am so scared that no one will agree with what i say and maybe i just perceive things incorrectly because of all of my own emotional biases, and people here will hate me for sharing certain perspectives then...

basically every time i'm trying to make a point i say "maybe i'm just sensitive" - and i am, especially when it comes to language. i notice things, i notice words and expressions, and i notice the impact they have on me. now is that a bad thing, or is it a valuable perspective to add? is it annoying and overly meticulous, or does it reveal something important? 

then i choose my own words very carefully because i don't want to offend anybody. it's frustrating afterwards when i find out i could have voiced a stronger opinion in favour of my previous position and it would have actually been understood more easily if i hadn't been so careful and shy about the words that i choose...

ultimately the frustrating part is that i never know if i can trust myself, i never know if i'm over- or underreacting, if i am over- or underestimating myself. the same dynamic is causing me difficulty in other areas, for example regarding my body image or the degree to which i think my "authentic self" might be "too loud" in social interactions...i never know if the space i'm taking up is just right, or if i'm too much.

Edited August 15, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

good things that have happened lately

• on Friday i went on a hike with two of my closest friends. all in all, it was a positive experience and i am glad we did this.

• i'm still happy whenever i make sure my apartment is clean and tidy.

• i went for a short run this morning. 

• i started reading a book about colour analysis. it's an easy read, doesn't cause any negative emotions and perhaps getting back into reading will help me reduce my screen time.

• i got a good mark for one of my papers even though i didn't try super hard.

• i'll be visiting my grandma soon and i am looking forward to it.

• currently i'm not super depressed and feel like i have a number of 'projects' going on. i always have a few ideas as to what i could do next, and things can be simple in the sense that they can feel like unambiguous improvements (like making my living space more beautiful, prioritising proper skin care, improving my language skills etc). even when things feel really dramatic or wrong in one area of my life, i can focus on simpler things and they tend to lift me up. they also provide a sense of positive immersion and stability as opposed to the dreadful feeling of being lost, scared or unstable.

Edited August 15, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

Was es ist - Erich Fried

Es ist Unsinn
sagt die Vernunft 
Es ist was es ist
sagt die Liebe

Es ist Unglück
sagt die Berechnung
Es ist nichts als Schmerz
sagt die Angst
Es ist aussichtslos
sagt die Einsicht
Es ist was es ist
sagt die Liebe

Es ist lächerlich
sagt der Stolz
Es ist leichtsinnig
sagt die Vorsicht
Es ist unmöglich
sagt die Erfahrung
Es ist was es ist
sagt die Liebe

[Judy2]

i am sick of this constant need to know, understand, interpret and analyse my life.

is this normal? is it actually necessary to overthink and analyse things as much as i do? - i have absolutely no idea.

regardless, i don't understand what's going on.

i don't know what's going to happen.

...can i just leave it at that? 

 

sometimes i really don't know what i should think or feel.

and then what do i feel?? what do i do?

 

right now i'm strangely calm and relaxed....which i find alarming. maybe i should be having a major meltdown right now? maybe in a few hours or days i'll feel super horrible about myself again?