"intimacy"

[Judy2]

i feel quite embarrassed and ashamed of myself right now. in some classes at uni i am particularly anxious and practically unable to pronounce proper grammatical sentences...and everyone who sits behind me gets to see how i compulsively save my word documents like, idk, 50 times an hour? 

Edited June 15, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

i am unexpectedly anxious today. just leaving this here to ground myself somehow. i guess i simply had a lot going on at uni and i feel stressed and agitated and unsafe....even though practically everything's fine. 

i feel like i need some time to ground myself, to breathe and reflect. things have been going a little too fast and i didn't get the chance to catch up, take notes, meditate, etc.

[Judy2]

i briefly wanted to share some of the things i have felt grateful for in the past few days or so:)

 

▪ i asked my friend/neighbour if she could help me deal with a problem i have in my apartment that i cannot seem to fix on my own. she said yes of course, and i was just really relieved to see that someone is there to support me when i need it.

▪ last week i went swimming at the sports centre on campus for the first time. i couldn't have done this last year, and i certainly couldn't have done it the year before. apart from the hilarious fact that at 21 years old, i am still scared there might be a shark or snakes or jellyfish or a squid in the pool, it feels nice to move my body in the water. just the fact that i am free to do this now is worth quite a lot. 

2 years ago i couldn't even leave my apartment at certain times of the day and only wore long sleeves in the summer. now i can wear shorts and t-shirts and dresses again. i remember how i had to work my way through all of that last summer, and i am glad that by now, on most days i do not have to worry all too much about this. even though i'm not super comfortable either, on average i no longer feel i have to hide my body as much. 

▪ i do have moments when i think i look cute.

▪ the other night i wrote an email to ask my teacher for an extension of a deadline because i wasn't doing well. he was really understanding and when i read his reply, i felt so grateful and relieved that he could sympathise with my situation. it really does make a huge difference.

Edited June 16, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

 

comme toi, je me demande parfois si l'amour n'est qu'un triste rêve
est-ce l'odeur ou le grain de la voix qui font que nos battements s'élèvent?
quands les corps s'enlacent, les cœurs s'embrassent, la vie s'enflamme et tout repart, oui mais
nos sentiments sont comme ces nuages qui s'habillent de peur ou d'espoir, tu sais
tant de questions s'en viennent et le temps me rapelle
qu'il est urgent, ma belle, de nous aimer
à l'intérieur, l'Éden, un jardin pour soi-même
un cri du cœur qui cherche à s'exprimer

moi, je veux aimer toutes voiles dehors
à l'air libre, au doux son des accords
qu'importe les joies, les peines
aimer où le vent me mène
moi, je veux aimer toutes voiles dehors
en mon cœur comme des envies d'encore
rire au nez des chrysanthèmes
aimer où le vent me mène

[Judy2]

i might delete this later (as usual, i guess) but briefly wanted to comment on one of the things i said here. 

"i feel like i am starving, on an emotional level"

interestingly enough, about a week ago my mum texted me in the early morning hours to ask if everything was okay. she said she'd had a nightmare of me starving to death.

what she thought she was referring to then was the fact that i could have starved to death three years ago....only that i didn't. 

her comment made me angry, because it just confirmed to me again that she only cares when i am physically, visibly ill. i never made myself ill for that reason, but now that i no longer have a fragile, ill body that could speak for me....i feel sad, disappointed, angry, left alone. i guess the worst part about being anorexic was that it worked.

shouldn't she, of all people, know that this is much more about an emotional struggle? how couldn't she understand that the real thing she should have been concerned about all along was my mind, my heart, my emotions....the things that made me do these things to myself, the things that made me treat my body so poorly?

shouldn't she see that i'm still not fine today? ....ouch.

[Judy2]

@Lila9

thank you:) i really appreciate it.

[Judy2]

@Lila9

16 hours ago, Lila9 said:

@Judy2 I'm sorry that you feel like she doesn't see your emotional pain but only the pain that is physical, my mother has the same mentality.

i'm sorry that you had a similar experience in that regard.

can i ask if you frequently dream of your mum?

[Judy2]

@Lila9 haha same:) i was wondering if she represents a part of myself, but i wouldn't know which part.

[Judy2]

@Lila9

Edited June 17, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

....i just hate where i'm at right now.

i hate how chaotic and overwhelming everything is, and how painful everything has to be.

it's so much, it's too much.

there's so much pain, no matter what i do or which route i choose to take. 

and none of it is easy, all of this is so incredibly difficult.

[Judy2]

i hate to be using this journal to complain all the time, but life is kind of tough right now and i just feel so alone, so helpless, so depressed.

it feels like things are never going to get easier for me. 

Edited June 19, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

One need not be a Chamber - to be Haunted -
One need not be a House -
The Brain has Corridors - surpassing
Material Place

Far safer, of a Midnight Meeting
External ghost
Than its interior Confronting
That Cooler Host.

Far safer, through an Abbey gallop
The Stones a'chase -
Than Unarmed, one's a'self encounter
In lonesome Place -

Ourself behind ourself, concealed -
Should startle most -
Assassin hid in our apartment
Be Horror's least.

The Body - borrows a Revolver -
He bolts the Door -
O'erlooking a superior spectre -
Or More -

                          ~ Emily Dickinson 

[Judy2]

i value the moments when i can rest and relax. 

they aren't there all the time...but when life is exhausting, i'm feeling chronic discomfort and i have a lot going on inside my head or at uni, i begin to understand that i just need some peace and relaxation to recharge.

even if it's only for a few minutes...feeling comfortable in my mind and body - right here right now, without any "direct impact" or "constructive results" - is worth so so so much.

it's comforting to know that i can consciously try to have a few of these moments every day, inbetween whatever the hell is going on in my life.

maybe knowing that these moments will come to me, again and again, makes everything else a little easier to stand. 

i started to cry while writing this, so apparently this is deeper than i thought it was. maybe because i am quite exhausted most of the time and find that oftentimes i am unable to simply relax and be, even if i would want to.

i'm working on it, i really am. i'm trying to let the bad things come and go. when they won't go away so easily, i'm trying to let them be for the moment. and i'm trying not to hold on too tightly to the good things either. 

...it's okay, and everything will be okay.

[Something Funny]

@Judy2 yes, everything will be okay <3

[Judy2]

i had a super long and exhausting weekend attending a seminar to prepare for a summer job.

my social anxiety got triggered a lot. at some point (after giving a 40 second long 'presentation') i just sat in my chair, felt the tears on my cheeks and thought to myself "i am weak. i am vulnerable. i want to get out of here" while avoiding eye contact with everyone else in the room. writing it like this makes my eyes watery again now.

turns out i got the job despite acting like a complete maniac...but right now i'm not exactly happy about it yet. i'm just exhausted and thinking to myself that it would be easier to have died this summer, or to stay at home and be depressed. what did i get myself into? why am i living now, despite the doubts and the fear? uh... this is hard.

at least no one can say now that i'm not working on myself:(

Edited July 2, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

i'm still very very busy and in some sense that's good... although it can also be a little too much at times.

so far i have avoided bringing this up, but i really really hope that i will find a therapist soon. one who i feel comfortable and safe with... there's so much going on inside my head and i could really use some support.

ultimately i just want to know that everything is okay, that's all.

[Judy2]

so it turns out i have covid (again). i haven't been feeling super well in the past few days, and today i'm actually quite miserable. 

i just freaking love my teacher because even though i had to ask for a deadline to be extended for the second time, he's like "don't worry too much about the assignment - when you're ill, you're ill." which is such a basic thing to say, but i feel like it's so helpful to hear this.

[Judy2]

it feels like time has been flying by in the past few years, and i'm getting nowhere. i'm still unhappy.

in my mind i calculate how much effort it will take me to fight my way to a better place mentally. i thought i had my whole life before me, but now 30 seems strangely close and how can 9 short years be worth it, in any way?  maybe i'll start to feel happy at 28ish, but then that was about 28 years of suffering and how was it worth it if i'll just die at 35? or i'll have a child, and after six years or so, they die?  i swear that this would be such a typical move. i'm finally, FINALLY happy and committed to Life - and then i die or my child dies or whatever. so like....why even try to heal when i won't really get to see the benefits?

everything feels so tragic and futile. like all the good things are lost before they have even begun. 

sometimes i can't help but dream of a better place, where everything is different, and all the things that tragically ended here are working out fabulously.

 

idk i've been kind of emotional in the past few days. and i know my thoughts are weird.

Edited July 7, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

i keep getting paranoid that all these horrible things are going to happen. and then i think that since i'm already thinking about them, it must be true then... and there's no end to these ocd/thought/fear-loops 

[Judy2]

...i guess there's the expectation that i have to be successful or happy or things have to work out perfectly for me in life - or else my existence isn't even justified and i have no right to exist.

which is kind of sad.

i do want to be happy and i want my dreams to be fulfilled...but then i always turn them into this "thing", and i make my entire sense of self-worth dependent on it.

 

the intelligent, wise part of me would wanna hold me now and appreciate my unconditional existence in this moment, and stroke my hair. but that's kind of horrible, too. that's the kind of Love i'm not really used to, and it feels so....idk, raw and sore, like an open wound? and why the hell would i wanna feel that?