"intimacy"

[Judy2]

 

Edited April 16, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

sign language clips/videos

asl

https://youtube.com/shorts/NomBE_ZerPA?feature=share

https://youtube.com/shorts/E95bbM62CLo?feature=share

https://youtu.be/79N7Tn2fDjM

https://youtu.be/LJepKdazPxk

bsl

https://youtu.be/Sgx2F2AbM_8

https://youtu.be/WvOJru-xmvo

Edited April 16, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

my final term has started and for the most part i'm actually quite enthusiastic. now that this chapter is coming to an end, all of a sudden i feel urged to appreciate and savour every last bit of the experience.

it's good to be busy anyway. good to have some structure, some stability....suddenly it feels like i'm no longer as lost or unsteady. 

 

in the first few days back at uni there are always so many impressions going on. on the one hand it's good that i am being forced to go with the flow, on the other it's a lot to process. there are tons and tons of people on campus and this can feel quite strange. even though my social anxiety got triggered a lot and i compare myself (in terms of appearance and academic performance), i'm mostly left with this feeling that "i love people"... i don't know, they're all so diverse and unique in their looks and expressions....and that's kind of wonderful.

still, i noticed that sometimes i have a hard time focussing on what teachers or peers say to me, because i'm so busy thinking and listening to my own thoughts. although i suppose i'm already doing better and can improve over time.

i also bought a swimsuit and plan on going to the swimming pool at the sports centre. which is a big deal for me! i haven't done this in years. by now it sounds a bit more manageable and while i still dislike the way my body looks, i guess no one cares....or if they think i'm ugly at least they'll feel better about themselves.

Edited April 18, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

oftentimes i fail to appreciate this, and it's nice to remember:

i love my mum. i tend to forget how crazy it is that i am a daughter, i have a mother, she's alive and she loves me. she tries to protect me in any way she can, even if it doesn't always feel like it. but i know that that's exactly what she's doing.

[Judy2]

i feel tired and stressed and exhausted.

[Judy2]

... i started to feel bad last night and now i'm stuck in bed and can't do anything because i'm miserable.

EVERYTHING is wrong - me and my life, past, present, future, EVERYTHING. 

i'm not good enough.

and apparently i don't deserve beauty, i don't deserve to experience good things in life. 

all i ever do is make a mess. 

i feel dirty and like a million showers couldn't wash the dirt off my skin, clean my pores.

i feel like no diet could ever help me starve all the ugliness i have inside of myself. i would know, because i've tried.

and this is painful. it hurts. because i want to be happy and i want to believe that i'm good and beautiful. can't i be good and beautiful? that's all i've ever wanted.

[Judy2]

i like this song:)

i also watched the show (Ginny and Georgia) a few months ago and loved it. and then i might have seen Marcus in my dreams a few times, but don't tell anyone. i'm so stupid lol.

[Judy2]

God i really am that pathetic. sorry. for hiding my posts all the time.

[Judy2]

this isn't at all how i wanted this to go, but out of all of my classes this term, my Portuguese lessons have me the most anxious. the fact that they're taught via Zoom for now doesn't change a thing about the amount of anxiety that i feel.

i'm mostly scared of getting the pronunciation all wrong, and given that i am this anxious i do actually make a lot more mistakes by default. we're also a large group of students and i'm constantly comparing myself to everybody else.

all of these factors combined actually accumulate in a quite uncomfortable experience where i can't really enjoy the lessons as much as i would have wanted to. i'm not sure if this is going to be different by the end of the term - we'll have to see.

oh, and learning Spanish at the same time was obviously a stupid idea, but now it's too late to quit. 

 

on the bright side of things....i got my mark for the term paper i wrote in March and it's much better than expected. i kind of feel like i don't deserve such a good mark because i know the whole essay wasn't as coherent or academically sound as it should have been. or perhaps the standards i set for myself have become higher over the past few terms - which wouldn't be too bad because it means that i've learned something and i'm getting more sensitive to good quality writing.

[Judy2]

 

[Judy2]

the Universe is having the greatest time ever over here. 

[Judy2]

"i still ache for more pain to soothe my wounds"

[Judy2]

i've thought a bit more about my options and i could just do a Master of Education after i'm done with my Bachelor's degree. i'd be done in two years' time and could be a teacher after that.

the question is, IS THIS ENOUGH?

is this IT?

isn't there MORE to be achieved here?

 

- maybe it is true that this is not "enough", but it isn't necessarily the wrong way either. and over time i can decide to pursue additional qualifications and take on a broader range of responsibilities that go beyond the scope of what a teacher normally does? because i would like to have a slightly larger impact, but it's not like the field of education is entirely wrong for me.

we'll have to see.

[Judy2]

i'm a bit silly but i wanted to add this here, simply because it's so cute!

[Judy2]

 

[Judy2]

this afternoon my friends and i left town for a couple of hours to go for a walk in nature. 

it was nice. uncomplicated, for once. i guess i'm generally trying really hard to feel normal this weekend, without overcomplicating things or constantly worrying about "the big picture", whatever that means. 

somewhere in the woods i saw some sort of mid-sized snake and i startled. i was screaming for about a minute and started running in the opposite direction. then it was gone and i calmed down. afterwards i felt like it was kind of funny.... and i did enjoy the adrenaline rush.

other than that it was just a really nice day and i'm hoping to go for walks similar to this one more often. maybe i can bribe one of my acquaintances who have a car to take me somewhere nice:)

Edited May 6, 2023 by Judy2

[Judy2]

the problem with this journal is that it's just a collection of stories. and it's the stories that tend to leave me feeling anxious. stories upon stories upon stories, until my head is spinning.

can i tell a story, see how it feels, acknowledge it, perhaps share it if it feels right...and then move on? because there's nothing definite about a story, and it's foolish to hold onto it too tightly.

but then when i write in here, i feel like there's almost some sort of obligation to constantly correct myself. update the story, make it "accurate". well, the point is that there's nothing accurate about a story to begin with. and if a story is told, it's okay for it to be an isolated and temporary, yet valid impression.

guess that's sort of the anti-anxiety strategy i have to pursue nowadays...Feel, be, flow.

[Judy2]

3 hours ago, Judy2 said:

this afternoon my friends and i left town for a couple of hours to go for a walk in nature. 

aaaaaah i got the photos:(

they're not super bad and in some ways i look pretty. but then i can point out a handful of things about me that RUIN everything, so that overall i'm quite ugly. like, my hair is the only thing about me that looks nice. why does my FACE have to ruin it?? means that i can't even get a nice shot of my hair because my face is inevitably there, too...

and people have to look at that when they talk to me.

and then when i'm 40 or 50 i'll look like my parents:((( so is it only getting worse from here?

[Judy2]

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

i want to experience pregnancy.

i want to experience motherhood.

i want to experience what it's like to be fully committed to the task of raising a child. this means the world to me and i imagine it would be such an important and infinitely fulfilling thing for me to do.

i pray that this will work out for me.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

[Judy2]

if you're gonna hurt me, hurt me.

and if you're gonna comfort me, comfort me.

but don't hurt me halfway and think you can comfort me then. cause i'll want either more pain or comfort, not this you-can't-get-more-comfort-i'm-sorry-but-i'll-still-give-you-a-hug.

if you're gonna say bye but still be there to hold me while i'm heartbroken or whatever; i couldn't take that version of "love". i don't want it, it's torture. 

the look-i'm-so-nice-and-perfectly-caring-but-you-can't-really-have-me. that's like worse than if you were mean from the beginning.

why's it always the same scars, over and over again?