Fighting Myself - When To Seek Help

[Akeberg]

I have is this really bad issue/problem/attitude that`s been a part of my life since I was around 8, 9 or 10yo. I am a steadfast (what I recognize it as) people-pleaser. This might not be the worst vice one can have but to me it has only been an increasing problem that doesn`t seem to go away no matter what I do.
I can literally feel my reward-system go off on a daily basis when I encounter a situation, big or small, where I somehow manage to diminish myself in order to make another person feel a little more comfortable/happier/better off. It is KILLING me. At the same time I feel a rush of "goodness" I can also sense my head drop, my stomach churning and an instant feeling of injustice. It´s like I`m feeding off my own misery. All I want is for the other person to reward me with the "right" behavior and give me what`s "rightfully" mine without me asking. I`m terrified of owing people anything, I`d rather have them using me as a doormat than communicating my needs.
This is not every situation I encounter, but a majority of them. The reason I `ve started to take notice of this is because I can not stand this self-abuse any longer.

It is ridiculous. 

I am a proffesional actor who spends a lot of time going to auditions. This is a part of my job and I`ve accepted it. Even though I tend to be nervous, I often manage. The problem is I that can never detect beforehand when my eagerness to please is going to get the best of me.
A few days ago I went to an audition where this exact thing happened. I had done my work and was well prepared. The job looked like a nice offer, but it wouldn`t be a big thing if I didn`t get it. Really there was no reason for my to be nervous other than that this was my first audition in a while. Right up until my name was called I felt calm and staedy, but as soon as I stepped into the room I went straight into panic-mode. My body was shaking, my voice quivering and my only thought was to get out of there. All of my work, preparation and self-assurance went to pieces right then and there and I felt like crying because I was so helpless. Nevertheless I finished the audition.
The next day I was at work and happened to come across a co-worker who consistently hadn`t been doing her job lately and this, in turn, directly affected me. When she yet again didn`t do her assigned chores I decided to correct her politely. As soon as I had decided (but before I said anything at all) I instantly felt the same reaction in my body as I had in the audition. I started shaking, retracting and wanted to escape the situation. I still told her what she needed to do in a polite manner.
I was really taken aback by the similarities of my response to what I thought were two very different situations. In hindsight I`ve been linking more and more of past encounters to the same issue.

What I notice is this:

• I want to avoid the feeling of panic (shaking, nervousness etc.) and therefore remove the cause as soon as I notice it (by running away, hiding)
• It doesn`t matter if I know the person or not
• I don`t necessarily need something from the other person (other than that I want him/her to accept me)
• This has all to do with my own beliefs and nothing to do with reality
• I have no control over my own reaction, but I do control my actions
• I want to feel "good" towards others despite the feeling of shame and regret that follows

Now, to tune in on my question, this is my self-actualization journey so far. Among other things, I started on it to cope with this issue.

• I`ve been meditating regularly for 4-5 years and daily (30 min+) for more than half a year
• I`ve been listening to Leo`s videos for approximately a year and so far read ten+ books on his booklist
• Taken into account and practiced a variety of the exercises from the videos and books
• I am regularly practicing shadow-work (love your sins)

So far none of the above has made a significant change within me. Self-actualization of course takes time and I don`t really expect it to "work" specifically on my issue. However I feel like this is getting out of hand and the more aware I become of the problem the less I feel capable of dealing with it alone. I am thinking about getting professional help from a psychologist.  My question is, when is it time to seek help from outside and when is it time to be patient with yourself?

Not looking for right and wrong answers, but if anybody can relate or help I am truly grateful.

This turned out to be a really long post, thank you for taking the time to read and respond.

[Steph1988]

I have read your post carefully and i have to say i can very much relate with the overwhelming and extreme nerves you can have before doing something u find scary it is horrible. i had this huge trouble with confronting people until lets say 5 years ago. But some things happened that changed that and that were simply a lot of confrontations in a short amount of time because of the roughness of my new workplace . I grew soo much from that it is like night and day and my life improved very much in that area. U simply get much tougher and leads me to believe that the only way is too practice this is like anything else u want to be good in. U have say what u want to say in spite of the fear, so feel it and then blast right through it. This was the only thing that helped me at least and i can only say what did it for me no books,meditation or anything else only the most scary thing did it and that was ultimately confrontation. since then it has gotten so easy it is no problem at all anymore.

I again can relate to this very much especially the having no control over your reactions i still have this problem in other situations that i am nervous even tho i can rationally declare that that is nonsense and i am still nervous. But now i know that i must do the hardest possible thing in that situation and that is too be brave even if i fail and that is not even a fail it is a win the only failure is to not being brave and do or say the thing u want to say. 

I hope this helps.

 

[Bodhi123]

On ‎2‎/‎19‎/‎2017 at 0:54 PM, Akeberg said:

At the same time I feel a rush of "goodness" I can also sense my head drop, my stomach churning and an instant feeling of injustice.

I'm sorry that you feel this way. It must be difficult to be in this situation.

It may be time to seek professional help; Given the fact that you've been mediating and doing shadow work for many years and yet the issue persists.

There must be a root cause for your behavior that has yet to be identified. A psychologist can help identify this root cause and provide you with techniques to change your behavior.

Take care.

[jse]

@Akeberg , try this small role-switching exercise sometime - perhaps see it as part of your actor's training:

Walk to a busy mid-town street crossing, and wait there until you see someone who is struggling to cross the intersection in time, someone who truly needs help.

Then walk briskly (and safely) towards him/her, and help her across the busy intersection.  Just walking by her side is enough - against a seemingly hostile environment, your support is all they need in this moment.  Don't give a fuck about what other people think, or any blasting car horns - just concentrate on getting this poor soul across to safety, it's the only thing that matters in this precious moment.  And don't give a fuck if you get a jaywalking ticket - deep down you know you've done the right thing.  By this time you'll begin to realize this:  not giving a fuck is key.

And when the person is finally safely across the street, leave before they have a chance to thank you.  Because in reality, you are the one that needs to thank them for the opportunity to bring out the true hero lurking within you.

 

 

Level 10 bravery:  try this in super-busy Bangkok.

[Elton]

@Akeberg have you tried the affirmations exercise?  It takes only 5 min a day and it takes 3 months to rewire your brain.... 

When I was struggling with people pleasing and confidence affirmations worked for me...

[Akeberg]

Thank you all for your answers

 

@Steph1988 It`s a comfort to hear that someone can relate and have experienced something similar. Better yet, gotten more or less out of it. I hear you and I agree that direct experience is the best teacher. Did you, in your approach, do this by yourself or have you ever received  guidance from someone: pschyologist, teacher, other?

@Bodhi123 Thank you.

On 2/24/2017 at 2:39 AM, Bodhi123 said:

There must be a root cause for your behavior that has yet to be identified.

This is my experience as well. I`ll get to into it. Take care!

@jse Thank you for your input. Although I fail to see how the exercise can alter the situation? Not giving a single fuck would be great, but aren`t there other ways that might be more effective? Where I live have rarely encountered the opportunity to help anyone across the street. I`m going to China i may, any idea what the situation is there?

@Elton I have not. Where do I find the exercise?

[Steph1988]

@Akeberg No never had guidance in this particular thing, but an overwhelming feeling that if i did not do something about it that it would destroy my life.

[jse]

13 hours ago, Akeberg said:

Not giving a single fuck would be great, but aren`t there other ways that might be more effective? Where I live have rarely encountered the opportunity to help anyone across the street. I`m going to China i may, any idea what the situation is there?

Of course there is many other ways.  However, helping out without caring what others think could be one way to develop an immunity for the need to please others.

The situation in China around Feb-May:

 

Edited March 2, 2017 by jse

[Elton]

@Akeberg i am completely independent of the good or bad opinion of others for 5min straight for 90 days... Continuity is the secret to success. 

Check out the video on www.actulized.org on how to stop being a people pleaser.

[Akeberg]

@Elton  I did this No apparent change. Will repeat the exercise in a couple of months.

[Nahm]

@Akeberg Your body and emotions are trying to tell you something that you aren't understanding.

You have inaccurately made a correlation between people pleasing and your mood dropping. You're just sinking to their lower mood. That's all.

Make your mood / how you feel, the most important thing, period. 

Some examples from my life / psyche: 

When I put how I feel first, above all else, I start feeling great. When I feel great I am a much better; dad, husband, boss, friend, peer, forum bullshitter, etc.

?

[Akeberg]

@Nahm  I believe you are right and I can see the problem. There`s definitely a pattern in my life. How can begin to put how I feel first? Any small steps, exercises, shifts I can make ?

[AxelK]

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying from personal experience.

 

Something that helped me was to see my how small and insignificant my life and everyone elses is in a bigger perspective. And that doesnt have to be a bad thing. You could call it a "cosmic perspective". In short its just to see how seemingly significant things for you really are just the opposite. Lets say you completely fuck something up and the result is that someone hates you, does it really matter in the end? You'll both probably be dead before you reach the age of 100, the universe has existed for 14 billion years, do you really want to use your limited time pleasing others?

Stopping the people pleasing might make you uncomfortable at first, but in reality its just an emotion which you can be mindful of without letting it control your life. If you can live life independently of being comfortable you will have no need to please other because you wont have to chase the comfort. Becoming comfortable with discomfort is an incredible ability, although it goes against your human nature and is therefore hard to master.

 

Anyway, back to the "cosmic perspective", reality is so vast and perhaps infinite that even if earth was smashed by an asteroid tomorrow it wouldnt really matter in the grander scale. Even Adolf Hitler will be forgotten one day and he was no people pleaser, to put it lightly. So why care about pleasing someone, when the worst consequence is that it might make you uncomfortable? Visualizing can be helpful with seeing things in a bigger perspective. Videoes like this could give you a peek of how small and insignificant we and our problems really are, even like it might feel otherwise.

 

Edited March 16, 2017 by AxelK

[Nahm]

@Akeberg

On 2/19/2017 at 3:54 PM, Akeberg said:

My question is, when is it time to seek help from outside and when is it time to be patient with yourself?

 

It's always a good time to seek help from the outside. The more things you try, the bigger your view gets, the smaller your problems are. 

To me, It sounds like you're resistence isn't taking what other people say so seriously, it's that you're being so serious at all, about anything. You're list of PD material so far is great stuff but overall it's maybe...serious? Are there other sources or materials you use? Fun stuff?

 

Notice how you have a clean mental slate when you wake up, and within a minute you pick up the resistant thoughts you carried yesterday. Just notice. You'll see you don't have to. 

Have headphones at the ready. Listen to something positive. Don't get out of bed. Take 20 minutes that is just for you to get your trajectory of your day pointed towards connection, unconditionally. Thoughts of what you have to do will pop up, but it will just have to wait 20 minutes.   (IMO Abraham Hicks clips on YouTube are great for this, Timberlake, Jackson, Motown, Time to Pretend, etc)

 

Do that every morning, and from that day on, just be aware of how you feel good, and notice when you encounter something or someone and start feeling less than good. Just notice when you "lose" that good vibe. Noticing this is a big step. 

When that happens, just be mindful that God/ Oneness /Universe is everything. Every single person and thing you can see around you is literally God. Be aware that wherever you go, God is everything around you always.  Take comfort in the stillness, or silence, or backdrop behind everything. YouTube Elkhart Tolle.

Be sure to relax your entire self and breathe from your diaphragm and belly when you can, through out your day. This triggers and aligns things you would not even believe. 

What happens over time is you are changing from being influenced to influencing yourself. Eventually, you will influence other people and situations without saying much. Noticing this is a big step also.

Play the game, all day, every day, of noticing a good feeling thought... and a not good feeling thought. The choosing gets more refined & relaxed.

Over time, you will begin to go entire days without a single resistant (not good feeling) thought. Your body will respond and you'll process / metabolize food in a more beneficial way. Your skin will look even healthier. Your eyes will sparkle more.  You will start to notice that you were tired before from all the resistance thinking and you'll have higher, cleaner energy all day. 

You won't have the same perspective about what other people think anymore. It won't be something you even really think about.

[The Universe]

On 19/02/2017 at 9:54 PM, Akeberg said:

I have is this really bad issue/problem/attitude that`s been a part of my life since I was around 8, 9 or 10yo. I am a steadfast (what I recognize it as) people-pleaser. This might not be the worst vice one can have but to me it has only been an increasing problem that doesn`t seem to go away no matter what I do.
I can literally feel my reward-system go off on a daily basis when I encounter a situation, big or small, where I somehow manage to diminish myself in order to make another person feel a little more comfortable/happier/better off. It is KILLING me. At the same time I feel a rush of "goodness" I can also sense my head drop, my stomach churning and an instant feeling of injustice. It´s like I`m feeding off my own misery. All I want is for the other person to reward me with the "right" behavior and give me what`s "rightfully" mine without me asking. I`m terrified of owing people anything, I`d rather have them using me as a doormat than communicating my needs.
This is not every situation I encounter, but a majority of them. The reason I `ve started to take notice of this is because I can not stand this self-abuse any longer.

It is ridiculous. 

I am a proffesional actor who spends a lot of time going to auditions. This is a part of my job and I`ve accepted it. Even though I tend to be nervous, I often manage. The problem is I that can never detect beforehand when my eagerness to please is going to get the best of me.
A few days ago I went to an audition where this exact thing happened. I had done my work and was well prepared. The job looked like a nice offer, but it wouldn`t be a big thing if I didn`t get it. Really there was no reason for my to be nervous other than that this was my first audition in a while. Right up until my name was called I felt calm and staedy, but as soon as I stepped into the room I went straight into panic-mode. My body was shaking, my voice quivering and my only thought was to get out of there. All of my work, preparation and self-assurance went to pieces right then and there and I felt like crying because I was so helpless. Nevertheless I finished the audition.
The next day I was at work and happened to come across a co-worker who consistently hadn`t been doing her job lately and this, in turn, directly affected me. When she yet again didn`t do her assigned chores I decided to correct her politely. As soon as I had decided (but before I said anything at all) I instantly felt the same reaction in my body as I had in the audition. I started shaking, retracting and wanted to escape the situation. I still told her what she needed to do in a polite manner.
I was really taken aback by the similarities of my response to what I thought were two very different situations. In hindsight I`ve been linking more and more of past encounters to the same issue.

What I notice is this:

• I want to avoid the feeling of panic (shaking, nervousness etc.) and therefore remove the cause as soon as I notice it (by running away, hiding)
• It doesn`t matter if I know the person or not
• I don`t necessarily need something from the other person (other than that I want him/her to accept me)
• This has all to do with my own beliefs and nothing to do with reality
• I have no control over my own reaction, but I do control my actions
• I want to feel "good" towards others despite the feeling of shame and regret that follows

Now, to tune in on my question, this is my self-actualization journey so far. Among other things, I started on it to cope with this issue.

• I`ve been meditating regularly for 4-5 years and daily (30 min+) for more than half a year
• I`ve been listening to Leo`s videos for approximately a year and so far read ten+ books on his booklist
• Taken into account and practiced a variety of the exercises from the videos and books
• I am regularly practicing shadow-work (love your sins)

So far none of the above has made a significant change within me. Self-actualization of course takes time and I don`t really expect it to "work" specifically on my issue. However I feel like this is getting out of hand and the more aware I become of the problem the less I feel capable of dealing with it alone. I am thinking about getting professional help from a psychologist.  My question is, when is it time to seek help from outside and when is it time to be patient with yourself?

Not looking for right and wrong answers, but if anybody can relate or help I am truly grateful.

This turned out to be a really long post, thank you for taking the time to read and respond.

@Akeberg What would happen if you tried to remove the belief ? Will those reactions disappear or is this belief was caused by a trauma ? Look at it deeply and good luck on your journey. This will disappear, anything is eternal ( other than consciouness, reality, the universe, god all that good shit ) so i wish you the best.

Peace.

Edited March 20, 2017 by The Universe

[Akeberg]

@Nahm  Thank you so much! I will do this.

@The Universe I will, with help from others Thank you! Grateful for your concern. The best to you too, wherever you are

 

[The Universe]

Thank You. ( And you can call me Sam ).

[Martin123]

I love you. You rock. Even when ur fucked up. I still love you homie. Ur very precious. @Akeberg

[Zenrik]

@Akeberg

I’m sorry to hear about your troubles.

This is an exercise from CBT, and helped me a lot. I had some of the similar issues in the past.

Try this out:

Write the things you are planning to do down, with who, and your assumed satisfaction in percentage. Then after the event write down actual satisfaction. 

Follow this format:

Going to eat lunch with friend   expectation: 85% Reality:90%?80%? 30%?

Going for a walk alone expectation:70% reality: 70% ect

Doing homework alone – E:60% R:60 ect

Practicing acting /w colleague ? 

 

Be well!

[TJM1959]

@Akeberg Thank you for sharing. What I invite is that we are not in this thing called life, alone. We need other human beings, we need to be cared for, loved, honored and appreciated. This is not a "needy" issue, it's about our organic connections to our fellow humans. Turning inwards, creating isolation can be very unhealthy(speaking from experience). I struggle with the same issue, different circumstances, and have recently decided to seek professional assistance. We have blind spots that others may be able to see. I invite you to use every available process to work thru this. Now may be the time to break up the cycle. Here's what I say to you..."oh what the fuck, go for it anyway!" Not sure how it will reach you but sending good juju your way!