Criticism of meditation - as a form of meditation :)

[NoN-RaTiOnAL]

you can skip straight to the points of criticism or read the entire story if you'd like:

So today i stumbled upon krishnamurti, a very interesting spiritual teacher. 
i felt deeply touched by his lectures about meditation. 
he is against any type of mechanical process which leads to an imagined destination such as "quiet mind" "stillness" "enlightenment" etc.. so he offers no technique and he views his talks themselves, which are preaching the acceptance of how much we do not know and how much BS we are fed spiritually, as the meditation itself.
for him, if you dont meditate all day long, you are just fooling yourself. 

then i sat to do my mechanical meditation. I concentrate and concentrate.. and then become dull. than I notice that, wake myself up and become dull again. 
then i wondered "if im becoming dull during a process which tries to make me concious and alert - the procedure or the execution is probably low quality. WTF AM I DOING??"
i stopped everything and took my phone and starter writing notes of criticism of my meditation practice and this made me actually more alert. 
i started watching myself very carefully, in a very alive and interesting sense. 
i became very open to new possibilities. 
i felt i was doing something my heart called for, and not something my head demanded to be done. 
i broke all the rules i created and i liked it. 


HERE ARE A FEW IMPORTANT INSIGHTS I REALIZED ABOUT MY MEDITATION AND WHY IM DOING IT WRONG:
- in meditation im trying to notice when im starting to have a thought and immediately get back to my meditation objective. but this is completely backwords! this is a complete self deception. im doing this purely based upon the fact that somebody told me to do that and claimed he got enlightened. i dont even know what this means! what i know is Consiousness is life! it is intelligence! this is self evident. i will never reach awakening in a non-lively and mechanical manner. it negates the nature of MYSELF!
my meditation is completely machanical.
what makes maditation not mechanical is me being intrested in the process of self exploration, with an open mind, watching every thought carefully and making an intelligent decision whether i want to surrender that thought or not. based on my own current understanding of it and my values, THIS IS MEDITATION. THIS I CAN COMMIT TO DO ALL DAY LONG.

- i notice that i get a sense of spiritual ego where i deny automatically every thought i have and especially those i consider "shallow". 
i get now that this is a form of shame that disconnects me from myself - which again is completely backwords! why wouldnt i allow myself to think about how to heal a rash i have on my skin for example? dont i want to be healthy? why is this considered to be a "distraction"? I AM who I AM. if im considering parts of myself as distractions i have to face the fact im starting to leave reality and move into an imagined state where i try to meet some IMAGINED IDEAL about myself instead of myself truly! I CARE ABOUT MY FUCKING RASH!!! <<<<<< and this is not a distraction at all. this is complete awareness of myself. 
considering it a distraction automatically is the distraction LOL.

- i get annoyed if something bothers me during my practice. if my phone rings i get subtly angry at it. this again is backwords. i have nothing to get angry about because im always watching myself and aware of myself, no phone can ruin that. im only able to trip myself up based on some erroneus ideas i have about myself, one such idea is: meditation stops if you open your eyes. you will lose your gainz...  LOL

- i do tend to make too many explanations about myself during meditation and life, and this does become distracting, i dont have to explain myself to myself in order to be myself BUT I can if i find value in that, and sometimes I DO find value in that!  but sometimes i feel it becomes too much and i'd like to give myself a break from all this analyzing - its exhausting! but also FUN! so its a balancing act - not an issue of surrendering everything completely. I AM MYSELF completely all the time. no need to give up doing things i value and love to become "my true self" < again, completely backwords. 



the main insight here is that spiritual ego is a much deeper phenomena than i imagined. im very sick. 
there is no way i should be other than what I truly am currently, and that is actual meditation! this i can commit to doing all day long with LOVE, CURIOSITY and an OPEN MIND.
there are many sneaky ways of me trying to deny my reality to become an ideal version of myself which is based on stuff i read womewhere and believed. 
buddhism included. but these are all dead ends. games i play with myself. I  TRULY get it now. 
 

thanks for reading




 

Edited October 19, 2022 by NoN-RaTiOnAL

[Kuba Powiertowski]

Everyone will find his / her path at last. Spiritual ego characterizes by exponential inflation. That's the most giant trap, no matter what you practice or not.

Thank You for sharing:)