Problems with dedication after the suicide of my brother

[MichaelJohn]

My brother just killed himself about two months ago. Right before his suicide, I started my first job out of college and moved to a new state. I spent this last summer listening to Leo's videos, meditating, applying to jobs, and talking my brother down from multiple suicide attempts (he tried 30 different times from May to July. I tried to save him, but failed.)

 

He was 26 years old and I'm 22. He suffered from bipolar disorder, diagnosed around the age of 15. I spent most my youth planning to become a neurologist and or psychiatrist in order to help him. We were extremely close. He was my best friend. Now that plan is in the shitter. 

 

How could I ever start a successful business, family, etc..? I moved to a new state in my brother's time of need. I was and am a coward. I guess my question is how can I prove to myself that I'm not a loser after losing/giving up on my brother.

 

Thanks 

Edited October 17, 2022 by MichaelJohn
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[Tyler Robinson]

Yesterday I was feeling suicidal and I was losing hope. 

So I wrote this about opening the heart and forgiving the world - 

I recently had this insight where I felt like instead of hating the other person for not showing compassion, it's important to see where the self comes from, to give space, to understand that those who lack compassion are still deserving of our compassion it's up to us to take the higher road, not let bitterness ruin the heart, not hold any bitterness to begin with, to learn to let go and have empathy for those who lack empathy because they couldn't have done better, it's not their fault, and sometimes people who don't show empathy might actually not really hold bad intent in their heart, although it might appear that way, forgive their selfishness, don't have expectations and understand that they exist in a different plane and that's okay too. They could be innocent too.

 

 

Maybe you'll find some peace in my words. God bless. 

 

Edited October 17, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Thought Art]

@MichaelJohn It’s still pretty fresh for you, so give it time. 
 

It’s also important to note that: It’s not up to you what others do with their lives. 
 

You have a right to live your best life, and you should to honour and be an example to everyone who questions whether life is worth living. 
 

Consider seeking council with a professional and reading books on: grief, shame, letting go, acceptance, self esteem, and books specifically for people who have lost loved ones to suicide. 
 

It’s very fresh for you. You are only responsible for you. Don’t carry something that wasn’t truly yours to carry. 
 

Whatever feelings you are feeling right now are totally okay. Feel them.
 

Be kind, loving, compassionate and understanding with yourself. 
 

 

Edited October 17, 2022 by Thought Art

[Leo Gura]

@MichaelJohn Very difficult situation. But you will heal and life will go on. Don't worry about work and business right now, give yourself at least 6 months to integrate and heal. Then you can start planning the next chapter of your life. Until then, be kind to yourself and take thing easy. Don't be in a rush to get back into business.

Doesn't sound like you gave up on your borther at all. You did a lot to help him but some people cannot be helped, especially those with mental disorders. If he tried 30 times to kill himself, there's really nothing you can do to prevent him from doing it. You can't be watching him every day. And that's so no way for him to live. If his life was so bad that he had to try to kill himself 30 times, maybe he made the right choice for him.

Don't beat yourself up. Losing a brother does not make you a loser. And I'm sure your brother would not want you to feel guilty over his decision. In the end it is his right to kill himself. It is not your business to interfere with this choice he made for himself. So allow him his choice without holding it as a mistake. It is not a mistake, it's what he wanted for whatever reasons. Your job is to accept that, sad as it is.

Edited October 17, 2022 by Leo Gura

[PeaceOut96]

@MichaelJohn

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I don't know you, but from your post you seem to be a good and kind hearted person. You tried so many times don't beat yourself up for what happened. He maybe gone in the body but he will always be in your heart. He did what he believed was the best for him. He took his choice, not to hurt you or be selfish, but for you to realize Love. I hope you find peace in your heart.