From Half-assed Medical Student To Worldclass Cardiologist

[Diane]

Amazing things that happened in the last 10 days:

• when I was still at home I wrote this note: "family dinner". One night we were eating dinner at home and for once there was all the 5 of us and it was a very pleasant meal, we talked and chatted in a way that we didn't use to in the past. In particular I remember asking my little brother about the basketball training he had just gone to, a quite trivial question but still something I think I had never asked him. Then we also talked about banks and my other brother came out with a long list of books he had read about how the banking system is substantially a scam (he studies economics btw and my father in Burundi worked as a banker so he also had a lot to say about it..). Overall it was the ideal family dinner. It all goes back to what I wrote the last time about the possibility of evolution in relationships: in the past there was more than one meal during which the only sound in the room was the background noise of the tv... 
• My best friend gave me The Perfect Notebook as a gift for Christmas. Today I finally started using it, it's better than just using google calendar in the fact that it also contains your major goals and helps breaking them in small pieces. As for today's tasks I didn't accomplish all of them, I procrastinated on reaching out to people I know in Switzerland to tell them that I'll soon be one of them. The "big obstacle" was writing to my putative husband, only to then realize that as far as I know he could also be gay, other than just not interested in me (any more). I'll do that tomorrow anyway!! 
• I'm learning to put first things first, as Stephen Covey says it. I force myself not to run or go to Crossfit if there's something important that needs to be done first as postponing it would mean to do it with very low energy left or not doing it at all.
• I took the time to listen and take notes on Don Miguel Ruiz' "The four agreements":

1. Be impeccable with your word. With the word impeccable meaning: "to use your energy in the direction of truth and love for yourself".
2. Don't take anything personally.
3. Don't make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

It's a very good anchor in everyday life: when I feel the urge to gossip or to judge people or when I start beating myself up for not having done enough. I utterly fell in love with the Prayer for Freedom at the end, I think it's simply the Perfect prayer. Here it is:

Today, Creator of the Universe, we ask that you come to us and share with us a strong communion of love. We know that your real name is Love, that to have a communion with you means to share the same vibration, the same frequency that you are, because you are the only thing that exists in the universe.

Help us to love everything you create unconditionally, especially other human beings, especially those who live around us – all our relatives and people whom we try to so hard to love. Because when we reject them, we reject ourselves, and when we reject ourselves, we reject you.

Help us to love others just the way they are with no conditions. Help us to accept them the way they are, without judgment, because if we judge them, we find them guilty, we blame them, and we have the need to punish them.

Today, clean our hearts of any emotional poison that we have, free our minds from any judgment so that we can lie incomplete peace and complete love.

Today is a very special day. Today we open our hearts to love again so that we can tell each other “I love you,” without fear, and really mean it. Today, we offer ourselves to you. Come to us, use our voices, use our eyes, use our hands, and use our hearts to share ourselves in communion of love with everyone. Today, Creator, help us to be just like you are. Thank you for everything that we receive this day, especially for the freedom to be who we are. Amen.

Ways I could have made the last 10 days even better:

• Starting earlier. I finished writing my goals and planning for this wonderful year yesterday afternoon...

Deep work time:

• Yep, I'm currently listening to Cal Newport's "Deep Work". I think I spent approximately 3 hours in deep work mode today.

What I learned:

• To prioritize what is really important.
• To treat people like people, just because someone is a putative something doesn't make him/her any different from all the other people.

[Diane]

Amazing things that happened today:

• The oriental lounge music playlist I'm listening to right now!! I do miss bellydancing... It's too far from where I live though (considering that I only walk, I don't have a car nore use public transport in the city). I had decided to start doing salsa or some other kind of partner dance but in the gym where I wanted to go they haven't started the course yet as there are too few inscriptions so I'll be doing Zumba!!! On Tuesday I'll go to the trial lesson.. 
• I have huge projects for this year (apart from the dream of getting married, I plan to go to Burundi with my family in August and to visit Cuba with my two friends in December, then there is all the preparation to go to Switzerland..) and this make me ponder every financial decision in a very healthy way, my new mantra is "Saving is not a crime". So today while shopping with a friend it was very easy to resist the instinct to buy every beautiful dress I came across, I'm grateful for that!!
• This:

In the guide in the link (I think I can write it here as it is a public link and the guide is free) his brother talks about how Matthew actually designs in every detail his interviews, nothing he says is random. Here are the notes I rapidly took from the guide before acting on them in the form of preparing the texts I'll be sending tomorrow to people in Switzerland and the call I want to do to my putative mother-in-law (I definitely owe her a lot, if not a husband -yet-, at least the idea of moving to Switzerland!!):

Ways I could have made today even better:

• Running, certainly!!

Deep work time:

• Three hours I think. (Re)Welcome Forest app!! 

What I learned:

• It's not a sin to have set-piece conversations, thank you Matthew Hussey!!!

 

[Diane]

Amazing things that happened this week:

• I'm slowly but steadily getting to the life I imagined. The one thing I'm closer to right now is doing some kind of sport every day: on Tuesday I went to a zumba trial lesson and I liked it so ideally I'll be going to Crossfit on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and to zumba on Tuesday and Thursday. Then on Saturday and Sunday it's running time!!! 
• It hasn't happened yet but tomorrow will be my monthly Saturday!! I'll finally study properly!!
• Today I received an advertising call in French (on my Swiss umber) and it was a great eye-opener, I still have a very lot to do!!! I'm grateful for that.

Ways I could have made this week even better:

• Studying more
• Not giving up at the first signs of tiredness.

Deep work time:

• I don't know exactly,  certainly more than the hour and  a half that Forest knows about.

What I learned:

• To put studying first.

[Diane]

Amazing things that happened this weekend:

• I realized that my subconscious knows how to read the EKG better than my conscious mind. The other day I was asked to interpret one and the right answer just came to my mind without even thinking about it but then I did think about it and ended up giving the wrong answer.. So today I reviewed the basics of EKG (for like the 20th time....). Hopefully the next time they will agree (on the right interpretation!).
• I studied!!! And I loved it, as always. Tony Robbins is totally right in saying that we get our "must", not our "shoulds". At a certain point of the afternoon something clicked in me and reviewing EKG became something I could not further postpone..
• Leo's last week video. Today I did criticize a friend for her criticizing and then this video happened... What I don't really grasp yet is how to "use criticism as a tool, when necessary, in moderation". I'll try to answer the 6 question referring to the situation with my friend (she was criticizing another roommate and I told her not to talk bad about people - I definitely could have been nicer.. Or maybe not... -):
  1. How is this situation a red herring? I don't see that I'm criticizing her for the same thing that I'm doing.
  2. What I am failing to accept here about reality? I can't change people, I can only lead by example.
  3. Is this productive? Not at all, I just made her angry and sad.
  4. How can I be more constructive with my energy and time? Being impeccable with my word and leading by example.
  5. Is this making me feel happy? No, I'm sorry for hurting her.
  6. What positive lesson can I learn from this thing I am tempting to criticize? If I don't have anything good or kind to say I'd rather stay silent.

Silence is the word that resonated in me at the end of the video, "a lot of silence". How other could it be?? Silence and compassion. And giving my advice only when asked to.

Ways I could have made this weekend even better:

• Studying more yesterday.

Deep work time:

• 6 hours according to Forest (can't wait to plant my first three!!!) but I think more as I think it stops counting the time if you do more than expected. Anyway I'm very proud of today's (deep) work!! 

What I learned:

• Caffeine doesn't work if I don't... 

[Diane]

Amazing things that happened this week:

• I RECEIVED THE CONTRACT!!!!  There are more than 50 pages in total I think, I've only skimmed trough it so far.. 50 pages of mostly unknown french words and expressions.. Hopefully tomorrow I'll summon the courage to deal with it..
• I have a super crush on a colleague!! He actually kind of reflects the list of my "standards in a relationship" I once wrote.. So I spent the whole afternoon and most of the evening re-watching some of Matthew Hussey's videos and similar things on the internet.. The journey comprised also a "Masterclass on Tantra" from Psalm Isadora. It was mostly wasted time but I took some valuable lessons here and there:
  • I am worthy of being loved and of intimacy and I am allowed to be vulnerable. A few days ago a friend told me that she finds me a little inauthentic and manneristic. I wasn't offended by that as I put effort into what I do because I want to create a great life for myself and I know that just going with the flow won't get me there. On the other hand though I also tend to want to control everything so that there's no possibility of failure or, even if there is one, I still fall on my feet (e.g. even if they hadn't hired me after the interview I could still consider it a success for having had the courage to go there and it would have count as a valuable experience). The only person I allowed myself to be vulnerable around was my ex boyfriend. Yet I broke up with him and the why is beautifully summarized in Ed Sheeran's duet with Beyonce  when she says "I found a love, to carry more than just my secrets".. Yet it's very difficult for me to open myself to others, deep inside of me I always feel like I'm not good enough as I am and people wouldn't like me if I just let myself be myself (whatever it is, who am I after all??). In the past two years, thanks to personal development, I built a wonderful, confident and even powerful persona, a mascarade that helped me a lot: I've overcome a lot of historical issues of mine (people pleasing, the relationship with my father, conformism).. But I don't really trust anyone.. When I have a problem I type in "how to xyz" and figure out a solution. I'm grateful for this opportunity, The Internet helped me a lot of times but, as Psalm Isadora says, we all crave intimacy. And apparently it's something you can't have without accepting to be vulnerable around someone. "I have to always look strong and put together because I'm black". That's the core belief I live by. So yeah, on a cognitive level I do say and agree that "I am worthy of being loved and of intimacy and I am allowed to be vulnerable" but it's a whole another thing to actually feel it. Everything I do to better myself is also aimed to attract the kind of person I want in my life.. Authentic means "not false or copied, genuine, real". How does the "real" me look like? If I let myself go -and had all the money in the world- I wouldn't have chosen to live in a dorm, I would live in a luxurious apartment where I would entertain a lot of men, all at once or one at a time.. Fortunately I know I'll get there, I have the worst plans for when I'll be in Switzerland earning five times more than I do now... I don't know if I'll ever recover from the belief that being black is sort of an original sin no one has yet come to save black people from (I do find more disturbing seeing a black person smoke than a white one for example), but at least I can choose to create a great life, "real" or "fake" that it may be, it still will be something to be proud of. And as always, consciousness is the answer. I'll just keep meditating, and loving myself as hard as I can. Love is the answer.

  • "Is He Too Hot For You? No, he's not. Relax, just talk." Thank you Matthew!!! 

• Leo's video about self deception, particularly the quote "don't worry about other people being self-deceived, worry about yourself being self-deceived". It was beautifully aligned with what I learned from the previous video and ALSO with my life purpose, "to make people healthier through consciousness". I also began to understand the meaning of "using criticism as a tool, when necessary, in moderation", it's about not being attached to the criticism, i.e. not being disturbed by the thing that is being criticized.

Ways I could have made this week even better:

• Following all of my plans.

Deep work time:

• 1 hour and 15 minutes.What is measured is managed right?! 

What I learned:

• I don't know who I am. Therefore I can be whomever I want!! 

[Diane]

Amazing things that happened in the last three days:

• Today I re-listened to the video "Becoming a Zen Devil, the dangers of half-assing enlightenment". I definitely tend to be one sometimes, even if I'm far far away from even beginning to do enlightenment work.. There's a colleague in particular I often find myself criticizing, sometimes also explicitly.. I feel triggered when he acts and talks in a passive-agressive way and when he becomes too authoritarian for my standards. Why? I do have passive-aggressive tendencies too and, come to think of it, I tend to want everything done my way too.. Again, the solution is working on myself... Assertiveness is the word. I re-listened to Leo's video about communication. What I would add now is the concept of "cultivating love in all situations" (yet another quote from Leo). It's hard but practice makes perfect, there's hope.
• I have a great life, sometimes I forget it.. At the moment I'm listening to Jidenna's album "The Cheif" on Amazon Music, a great album!!
• The colleague I have a "crush" on is a very positive person, he always finds the positive in the various situations, no matter how things will evolve I'm grateful to have such an influence around at work.

Ways I could have made the last three days even better:

• Having a plan and following it.

Deep work time:

• 5 hours and 54 minutes. I love Forest!! The next step is to categorize this time, for example on Sunday I spent most of the time starting to get into the details of moving to Switzerland but I also studied ECG.. 

What I learned:

• It's hard but practice makes perfect, there's hope. I'll get there.

[Diane]

Amazing things that happened in the last 7 days:

• I decided to drop the resolution of taking Zumba classes and it freed me mentally and economically at the same time. I now can realize the precedent resolution of running on the days I don't go to Crossfit, or just study a little bit more, as I did today.. 
• I'm becoming more conscious of how I spend every minute of my days. For example I've decided to do everything I can not to end up to having lunch at work so that I have some free time in the afternoon to study and work on my project. Adieu shallow work and distractions, see you never!! 
• I'm staring to notice some benefits from using the Perfect notebook!! Even if I'm very very far from fully exploiting its potential.. For example last week I identified getting back home late from work as an unfavorable external condition hindering me from working on my projects. And without even planning for it this week I decided to do everything I can to be fully present at work so that: I don't waste time, I do a better job as I am more focused and get the chance to get home earlier.

 

 

 

 

• Stretching. AKA saving but I like to call it stretching. I decided not to buy any clothes and also no food until I've finished what I already have.
• Consciousness. Thanks to this article: http://theweek.com/articles/749978/female-price-male-pleasure. A very powerful article. I think consciousness could also be defined as seeing what we normally overlook. I'm still trying to fully grasp the phrase "Women trade sex positions they don't like for social positions they do". To what extent is it ok to accept social conventions? What can I do to change this bias now that I'm aware of it?? Because it's not only about confidence or dressing however you want.. It's about not being ashamed of not being able to give a man exactly what he wants. Hopefully someday I'll know the answer. 

Ways I could have made the last 7 days even better:

• Doing the evening routine.

Deep work time:

• As for today, 1 hour and 47 minutes. And I've finally started to categorize the tasks I'm focusing on. Good.

What I learned:

• When you lead an extraordinary life, finding someone great is a byproduct. Matthew Hussey

Edited January 31, 2018 by Diane

[Diane]

Silence. Do nothing.

It seems the only way to go. I know that I suffer from premenstrual syndrome. Sometimes I barely notice it and other times it hits really hard, as it did today. The good thing is that at least I am conscious of it, I know that it's temporary and that even if suddenly everything seems 50 shades darker the sun will shine again. As always understanding something intellectually doesn't immediately "correct" the feeling. So I spent the whole day at work in a very bad mood, a mix of anger, resentment and sadness. At a certain point I remembered the quote "if you don't have anything nice to say you'd rather stay silent" and so I did, I spoke only when strictly necessary. Fortunately I came back home pretty early. I watched some youtube videos and found some peace for a while. Then I received a phone call from Switzerland, they wanted to make sure that I had received the contract. I then stumbled on a video with Mel Robbins where she said that "procrastination is a form of stress relief". I did procrastinate on fully reading the contract and acting on it. I also realized that my current emotional state may also stem from not sleeping very well. A few months ago I received a pack of caffeine pills as a freebie with an order I made at myprotein. I was like "what a great idea, I can have the benefits of coffee without staining my teeth"...  In the last few weeks I totally lost control of my sleep pattern, I wake up around 1am, meditate and then go back to bed, always with the magical intention of getting back up after a few minutes. Anyway, after the call from Switzerland I decided to roll up my sleeves and go on reading the contract and all the other papers accompanying it. I was working from half an hour when the lights went out at the dorm. Just an hour earlier, looking at my extension cord I had thought:  "that definitely needs to be substituted" but I used it anyway. I don't know if it was my fault or not but that's where the "do nothing" part of this post's title came from.

So: silence and do nothing. If I stay silent and do nothing I can't hurt or ruin anything and anybody. Yet I can do no good either. The fourth agreement is to always do your best and I know that I've done my best this morning, even if my best of the moment wasn't the best version of myself. I think that the heart of the problem is that I had lots of plans that I didn't actualize and now I feel overwhelmed by all the things I have to do. Guess I'll just keep doing my best. And loving myself no matter what.

 

[Diane]

Amazing things that happened recently:

• Two Fridays ago I went to a conference hosted by a priest who founded a rehabilitation centre for young people with drug addictions. It was very profound. The first insight from it came to me even before going there: the idea of living a life of service, not for "oneself" but for "others" (only to then discover that we are all one... ). As Neale Donald Walsch elegantly says it: "Your life is not about you. Your life is about everyone else whose life you touch and the way in which you touch them". Here are other lessons I got home with:
  • Love is clairvoyance and prophecy: it makes you see things you would otherwise overlook and it opens new roads.
  • How to have a positive perspective: having the desire to be astonished by the other person. Lovely!! 
  • How to let other people express their desires: accompanying them rather than carrying them. I'm currently listening to the book "Co-active coaching", it's a good eye opener on the fact of not imposing our desires on others. The main goal should be to empower people to find their solutions and their own paths.
  • How to cope with incurable diseases: finding meaning even where there seems to be none.
  • Being a misfit is a way to save one's life, not to ruin it.
  • Humility and consistence. I currently lack on both. I still have to figure out when becoming a more confident person transcends into just being cocky. Regarding consistency, the other day while preparing the same breakfast I eat everyday, I started feeling like a hamster in a wheel and then I realized that there's beauty and usefulness in that too..
• I always thought that Brian Tracy was all about success and life lessons then I found this:

Right before Valentine's day... 

• I had a more or less 2 weeks long PMS this time.. At a certain point I rewatched Elliott Hulse's video "Quit everything and train". I noticed I had totally misunderstood this video the first time I watched it  as I had interpreted it just as "when you're stuck in your mind just go out and exercise your body", as he often refers to a balance between body and mind. Here he was actually referring to the importance of foundational habits, as they are the driving force of everything else we accomplish in our lives. In his own words:
  • "You can't do everything, you only have so much life force, energy and time. There's only so much that you can handle. The thing is that we set aside the cultivation of the energy associated with doing a lot of things".
  • "I can do all those things because I train my mind and my body first. PUT YOUR BODY AND YOUR MIND FIRST. Put the cultivation of your strength an your energy above and beyond everything else because that's all that you have to bring to the table".
  • "Start prioritizing = feeling and doing what is wright for you".
• I finally watched "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring", in French!!  I can't say I've become a fun but I freshened up my French and learned a few lessons:
  • "It is no bad thing celebrating a simple life". So true!!
  • "Even the smallest person can change the course of the future". 

Ways I could have made these days even better:

• Being more brave and brute forcing when necessary. With the excuse of PMSing, I spent almost three weeks letting myself be like this:

I did dance a little bit though!!  And I've just found out that "Jazzercise" actually exists!!! 

Deep work time:

• A total of 4 hours in 20 days.. What is measured is managed right??? 

What I learned:

• Done is better than perfect. Yesterday I finally started sending back some of the papers for the job in Switzerland. I had super postponed it waiting for them to be ALL ready, which is practically impossible at this time and the secretary who called me had clearly said to send at least the contract for now so I did it.
• Whatever you want to have in your life, cause someone else to have in theirs. Neale Donald Walsch

 

Soo, this was my last post on this journal. I'll be starting a new one as I have finally decided that I no longer want to become a "world-class Cardiologist". I want to become a "healer", in the broadest sense possible. I don't know how it will happen so stay tuned to discover it with me!!