And God said "I love you anyways"

[caspex]

I was looking at a picture of some being. Trying to awaken deeper. Already embodying the recognition of the true self/no-self state, I cranked up the consciousness dial even more. To the point where the fact of existence became "No way, what? EXISTENCE?". I have been here before but never while embodying no-self. 

Suddenly, the picture, the being in it, became alive, it became real, and it scared the SHIT out of me. It was looking at me with such grandeur that I had to surrender. I started tearing up and my face contorted to all sorts of faces. I was a baby. I instinctively started apologizing. For what? For being so small and selfish. I was sorry- no- I am sorry God, for being so small, so stupid, so selfish. I am sorry that I am not as loving and as grand as you. And I am saying this not from my surface level ego, but one of my deepest if not the deepest layer of ego. This layer of ego goes so deep it is easily confused with true-self/no-self state. Because this ego layer individualizes existence, which is what I was at the time.

All this while I was starkly aware that this being, was literally me, even physically. There was no need for me to be afraid yet there were goosebumps all over my body. I was afraid, of myself. Myself as that being. I knew that being was still finite, grand, but not infinite. Yet it fucked me up bad.

Then out of the sheer weight of my apology, I started dying, the ego, started dying.. and I loved every second of it. It was pure love. I merged into that being, and we merged into God. My body lost all of it's boundaries. I couldn't feel the body. Because it had merged with everything around it. And I as God and as an Ego, told the being I love you, many times. I wanted to hug it bad but we were already the closest we could be, as oneness. And I felt my ego, or rather the ego felt itself, and God told it, that God loves it anyways, it accepts it no matter what. And the ego, finally with the ultimate validation, surrendered and died. This was the most emotional thing.

For more clarity, let me explain something. Usually I can consistently embody a state where I am sharply aware of myself as everything. When I look at someone I can literally see they are me. But to function, simultaneously, my ego, felt like an impersonal variable, is also active, on all levels necessary. It is one thing for the ego to be there while you are oneness for everyday functioning VS. there to be no ego at all. The later is very impractical indeed but no doubt something to be explored. I can't even remember the experience very clearly anymore. Maybe I was too present to form memories.

This was what I was listening to at the time and that's the picture I was looking at. I was sober.

[amanen]

Sounds like a great experience.

It's interesting how when someone realizes that something is literally you and it becomes incredibly real and alive, you get scared of that, I wonder why that is.

[caspex]

10 hours ago, amanen said:

It's interesting how when someone realizes that something is literally you and it becomes incredibly real and alive, you get scared of that, I wonder why that is.

I feel that something being alive or dead is always determined relative to yourself. If you see something as yourself, it's guaranteed you'll see it as absolutely alive because it's literally you.

[SelfHelpGuy]

Really fascinating. 

Very lovely. 

[LSD-Rumi]

Wow! Thanks for sharing this 

[Tristan12]

On 10/14/2022 at 9:46 PM, Swarnim said:

And I felt my ego, or rather the ego felt itself, and God told it, that God loves it anyways, it accepts it no matter what. And the ego, finally with the ultimate validation, surrendered and died.

This hits so deep. Amazing.

[RMQualtrough]

Uh, isn't God a dude? That's pretty fucking gay. Thou shalt not suck a man's dick as thou would a woman - Leviticus.

[Thought Art]

Gods loves

understands

forgives

gives