List your red flags

[ivankiss]

I'm mainly interested in what men perceive as red flags when getting to know women. But ladies, feel free to share your standpoints too.

Here's something I've been noticing often, and I think these are some pretty obvious red flags:

 

- She hangs out almost exclusively with guys. Has little to no female friends, or has a 'love hate love' type of a friendships with them. The guys that she's friends with are orbiting her consistently. Often daily. She asks them for little favors and whatnot, all the time.

- She is in touch with all or most of her exes. Never truly letting go of the past. Dragging all that stuff with her, and consequently never fully healing, growing and learning from those relationships. 

- She parties way too often, way too hard. Drinks too much, takes drugs, etc. Tends to lose control during crazy, wild night-outs. Is overly outgoing and flirty with everybody. Loves attention a bit too much.

- Always texting and juggling several guys at once. I understand guys are going to keep texting you if you're an attractive woman. But you responding and engaging with all or the majority of them, just to keep yourself entertained, is a red flag.

- Is unable to spend time alone. Always needs someone around. It doesn't really matter who it is, but most likely it's going to be one of her guy friends, who's hoping to get a chance with her. She just needs company all the time, to keep her distracted from looking a bit deeper into herself.

- Has no purpose, no values. She has no higher meaning for anything she does, no real sense of a direction and no interest in anything beyond mundane daily activities, that everyone else around her indulges in. She's following the crowd, what's trendy, etc.

- Is very comfortable with telling lies. Honesty is not something all that important to her. Or at all. I've seen this a lot... She would be talking on a phone with someone in front of me, and keep coming up with lies so naturally and effortlessly. It was scary. Might as well be called a skill, but it's a red flag in my book.

- Is out of touch with her femininity. Acts and thinks like a dude, a bit too much. Has a hard time with being gentle, soft, tender, kind, etc. Instead tends to be cold, blunt, way too cerebral and disconnected from her heart. Has a very difficult time tuning into feelings.

 

These are some red flags that came to mind at this moment. I might add a few more later. Let me know if you disagree with any of these and why. Feel free to add yours.

I'm only asking not to turn this thread into another men vs women nonsense. Share your thoughts and views, but be respectful.

[Tyler Robinson]

 

• Complains all the time 
• Whiny and victim playing 
• Always blames. 
• Judges a bit too much 
• Not available when needed 

 

 

[Jacob Morres]

Thanks for making this actually, I was really itching to make a red (and green flag) list lately 

My own opinion:

Lacking self awareness:

- can't self-reflect about things, when you bring it up. Generally will not/cannot look at their own behavior 

Lacking communication skills: 

 - does not communicate properly or respectfully/doesn't practice non-violent communication. Emapthy/kindness/respect. Red for me 

Lacking pleasant energy:

- rude micro-aggressions in her behavior

Lacking empathy:

- talks about other guys in a rude way

- invalidates your feelings

- cannot *see you* 

- not able to understand  another's POV 

Edited October 12, 2022 by Jacob Morres

[Ulax]

@ivankiss

The extent to which:

- Appears to cast judgment on others.

- Appears to perceive herself as above me or another type of person

- Appears to have a low consciousness ambition in life (i.e. tabloid journalist)

- Appears to have low empathy

- Doesn't respect boundaries

- Appears to lack integrity and sense of morality

 

[eos_nyxia]

-explicitly compares you to other women, and subtly or explicitly encourages competitiveness with other women, triangulates, etc.

-Is ambiguous about wanting me: either you do, or you don't. Like if the attitude is "I can find myself another woman"/ "you're replaceable"... that's exactly what's going to happen. I need someone who is capable of being forthright about how they feel about me.

-is overly dependent on their family, friends, coworkers, etc. to make up their mind about anything, including me. Or does not have enough "people sense" to figure out mostly by themselves if someone is a decent person or worth being around. An extension of this is: I'm having a relationship with you, not everyone else in your life.

-is unpleasantly self-absorbed in our conversations, and not enjoyable to talk to. Has a poor sense of give-take and balance in conversation and human interactions, or just doesn't care for whatever reason. (basic human interaction stuff)

-"fragile masculinity": has a lot of deep-down, serious hangups and insecurities about being a man, especially if it gets taken out on other people. Related: bitter and resentful against women... I have had enough reasons to be bitter and distrust the opposite sex, or to justify choosing not to do my best to empathize or see the perspective of the opposite sex... but I chose differently.  
Also related to this: holds onto a lot of false ideas about women and people in general, and is unwilling to challenge such.
Having a "big dick complex" when it comes to AM MAN HAVE BIG BRAIN THOUGHTS, or getting weirdly competitive when it comes to matters of intellect (or even spirituality).
Dealing with this feels like adult babysitting.

-hates my pets and small animals// my pet doesn't trust them: I don't have any pets right now (and TBH at times I've found the idea of keeping pets a bit problematic...), but I think it's perfectly acceptable to trust your companion animals' intuitions about people.  An extension of this thinking: only sees everything, whether people or small, vulnerable animals by their potential transactional use.

-our personalities, priorities, and interests aren't compatible enough for us to be friends outside of romantic/ sexual interest: I don't really enjoy the feeling of sexual/ romantic attraction wearing off (or settling down a bit) and then realizing that this is not a person I'd choose to be around otherwise.

Edited October 12, 2022 by eos_nyxia

[eos_nyxia]

 YELLOW FLAGS:

-all of your exes are crazy/ horrible people:  1) dude, you picked them, and kept picking them... 2) either you're obscuring whatever redeeming character qualities they had because you're bitter or they had none in the first place (but that was somehow ok with you), and it's not a great look.
I feel like this, along with the other red flags I listed, is more of a red flag the more it goes on and the older you get, as it means you keep making the same choices over and over again... the real red flag is that the issue is the person doing the complaining is a person who has a habit of chronically leaving people much worse than they found them.

-overly idolizes me// treats me like a muse: this is a more recent one. TLDR; ultimately it probably says more about their relationship with themselves rather than how excellent I am as a person (lol), and what role they expect you to serve for them emotionally. E.g. 1) be their endless source of inspiration 2) solve their problems for them and make them feel good about themselves for existing. Mostly, in my experience, you're just a tool for them to emotionally masturbate with. It might not even be consensual. That man might not be interested in anything reciprocal or mutually beneficial, nor is he grounded in the reality of you having human issues, vulnerabilities, etc.
Maybe it isn't exactly fair, but at this point, I find it all suspicious because I got burned badly enough.
Y'all could just easily flip a switch and find something "real" with a "real woman" while I get to be the emotional masturbation tool, or forgotten.... great.

-SLUTTY: There is nothing wrong with it at all, persay. (You do you.) But I never went through a proper experimental "ho phase" in my life despite FOMO, so I just find it alienating more than anything else. So it's not that I don't get the appeal/ urge, it's that I made different choices. And I've noticed that I tend to feel more comfortable and gravitate toward people who made similar choices.

(...I'm poly-identifying too.)

However, I definitely would not feel comfortable with someone FOMOing on my behalf (even as I've experienced FOMO myself).

-Overly privileged upbringing and never faced serious challenges, especially earlier in life. The actual red flag: really, really self-absorbed about first-world problems (many of which are real, actual problems... I just find it exhausting to be too close to people who are this way for too long.)

Edited October 12, 2022 by eos_nyxia

[no_name]

27 minutes ago, eos_nyxia said:

-Overly privileged upbringing and never faced serious challenges, especially earlier in life. The actual red flag: really, really self-absorbed about first-world problems (many of which are real, actual problems... I just find it exhausting to be too close to people who are this way for too long.)

Do you think this is basically just a stage green person who was raised in a first world country? 

[Leo Gura]

The only red flag you need:

She's hot

Edited October 12, 2022 by Leo Gura

[spiritual memes]

If he invites you to his house and the furniture is made of human body parts, that might be a bit of a red flag...

Another big red flag is if a guy spends a too much time on social media

[eos_nyxia]

2 hours ago, no_name said:

Do you think this is basically just a stage green person who was raised in a first world country? 

I guess so, yea.

I think if you grew up in non-first world country, or if you had parents that didn't and it influenced your perspective strongly enough, then it doesn't fit well with what "green" is supposed to be.

Or alternatively, if you had a traumatic or difficult upbringing, or faced other significant challenges growing up (for example, a lot of ill health or various handicaps), then it's very difficult to reconcile having rose-coloured glasses with your reality. I think it's usually a very strong, dissociative response to trauma to have someone go "full green" in this case, as opposed to simply being inexperienced with the harsher things in life. The former is moreso a coping mechanism, the latter is pure privilege.

(IMO you see this quite a bit in the New Age.)

Edited October 13, 2022 by eos_nyxia

[Loba]

I... personally have plenty of my own to deal with - when I see posts like this my first question is... I wonder how many I have that people have written?  Do people generally even look at their own first and foremost or this this a process by which to look outside of yourself to judge others first?  I would consider this to be the first red flag.

I don't like dating, it's never really been my thing - and so I've just removed myself from it, partially because when in that state of mind, you do have to look at people in this way.  It's almost like it takes away from the genuine flow of things to be questioning if the person is right for your future, where they fit into it, what you will do.  If I don't go into communication with a dating mindset, I'm not focused on flaws or how they will affect me, I can just enjoy the person's company.  That said, most of my red flags have to do more with how I was raised, and things that I have delt with in the past, than anything else.  The list isn't that extensive.

Red flags/trigger points - 

• Lying - inauthenticity - a lack of structure within the story of the person/ backing out on what they said - things like this.  I like consistency and I take people at face value, probably more than I should, and so I expect and crave absolute honesty.
• Flirting too soon/getting too close too fast.  Generally people who do this want something from you, they don't really value getting to know you.
• Just broken up with someone/looking for a rebound.  Goes hand in hand with above.  I don't like being used as an emotional sponge/toy/dealing with the fallout from people's relationshits.  Been there, done that, tale as old as time, move on, next.
• Back and forth/push pull behaviour - points to lack of consistency.  I keep a mental vault of that kind of stuff, and if you fill it with too much shit, I'm gunna bail pretty early on.
• Hates women/has negative/outdated views on women - I mean, I don't entirely trust men, but that fits more in line with how history has played out, but I wouldn't say that I hate them or expect much from them.
• Calls me names/puts me down/passive aggressive - shit like this.  Again, I'll bail.

I'm pretty lenient about social status, income, mental health, things of this nature, because I understand how life can knock you down - I just, in general expect basic human decency.  This doesn't apply to friendships - as generally, with friends you have boundaries/you don't have to worry as much about a person's actions.  But yeah, this list doesn't affect me - because I don't value romantic human relationships.  Just thought I should offer mine, but mostly I wanted to use it as a way to bring to light that one should always look for the flags in themselves first.  Ciao.  

[Tron]

shit test

manipulation

never admitting fault

taking kindness for weakness

making everything difficult because they have this weird idea that everything needs to have drama. Things going smoothly just seems to bore/bother them.

sucks cuz most women have these traits lol 

Edited October 13, 2022 by Tron

[Tyler Robinson]

3 hours ago, eos_nyxia said:

all of your exes are crazy/ horrible people:  1) dude, you picked them, and kept picking them... 2) either you're obscuring whatever redeeming character qualities they had because you're bitter or they had none in the first place (but that was somehow ok with you), and it's not a great look.
I feel like this, along with the other red flags I listed, is more of a red flag the more it goes on and the older you get, as it means you keep making the same choices over and over again... the real red flag is that the issue is the person doing the complaining is a person who has a habit of chronically leaving people much worse than they found them.

Why do you think this is a red flag? Even a lot of women consistently make bad choices in men. It might be both a red flag but also an indicator of trauma or something as simple as people being extremely manipulative. 

 

[ivankiss]

Nice. Very informative. Keep em coming.

Kinda made me aware of some of my own shit as well. Things that women might perceive as red flags with me.

I didn't make it clear enough, but this is all just for the purpose of getting to know yourself and your preferences more. Knowing who you are or are not compatible with. Avoiding traps, potential heart and head ache, etc.

[eos_nyxia]

15 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

Why do you think this is a red flag? Even a lot of women consistently make bad choices in men. It might be both a red flag but also an indicator of trauma or something as simple as people being extremely manipulative.

Neither trauma nor making errors are someone's "fault" persay, but it's true that you are the person who is the most responsible, and the one who can most reliably make these cycles stop.

The issue is moreso with men (IDK what it's like for men dealing with women) who write off every single ex as crazy/ horrible as a cover for their own terrible behaviour, abuse, and the lack of either self-awareness/ self-accountability on their part.

In this case: you might actually talk to the guy's ex, and find out that she was the more reasonable person. You might find a string of women who had similar problems with the same guy. He can just write them all off as "crazy" regardless of anything that he himself said or done.

(For example, this is one I've seen quite a lot: a guy's ex was paranoid about being cheated on, and he tells his current partner about that, and he also says that she was crazy. The new partner believes the man. Then she herself gets cheated on, or hears the stories from the other side, and realizes that she's with a dismissive, manipulative person.)

Generally when people say this is a red flag, the above is what they're trying to avoid.

 

"CRAZY" is also a very easy (and old-fashioned) way that women and female concerns get written off, in general.

Like: someone can even be whatever "crazy" and still have valid concerns, and their feelings about it still can have some basis in reality as well.

Edited October 13, 2022 by eos_nyxia

[Tyler Robinson]

1 minute ago, eos_nyxia said:

Neither trauma nor making errors are someone's "fault" persay, but it's true that you are the person who is the most responsible, and the most reliable one way to make these cycles stop.

The issue is moreso with men (IDK what it's like for men dealing with women) who write off every single ex as crazy/ horrible as a cover for their own terrible behaviour, abuse, and the lack of either self-awareness/ self-accountability on their part.

In this case: you might actually talk to the guy's ex, and find out that she was the more reasonable person. You might find a string of women who had similar problems with the same guy. He can just write them all off as "crazy" regardless of anything that he himself said or done.

(For example, this is one I've seen quite a lot: a guy's ex was paranoid about being cheated on, and he tells his current partner about that, and he also says that she was crazy. The new partner believes the man. Then she herself gets cheated on, or hears the stories from the other side, and realizes that she's with a dismissive, manipulative person.)

Generally when people say this is a red flag, the above is what they're trying to avoid.

 

"CRAZY" is also a very easy (and old-fashioned) way that women and female concerns get written off, in general.

Like: someone can even be whatever "crazy" and still have valid concerns, and their feelings bout it still can have some basis in reality as well.

All of this happened with me. I avoid men who excessively complain about their exes especially with no context of their own role in the narrative offered. I begin to smell rat almost immediately with those types. 

[Tyler Robinson]

Another red flag is someone who constantly judge others as morally good or bad. Terrible narcissists. 

 

[something_else]

Red flags are usually pretty obvious. You don’t even need to list them. If you are a secure-ish person with a reasonable amount of relationship experience you will pick them out easily enough

The problem tends to be that people are willing to accept or ignore red flags out of their own neediness, insecurities, or behaviour patterns. Or they’ll find excuses for the partners behaviour, rather than getting themselves out of that relationship.

If you find yourself in a long-term relationship with lots of red flags it isn’t really their fault because most of the time you can leave whenever, but you choose to stay

I know this because I have done it before. It’s very easy to ignore red flags and stay in a relationship out of comfort and because it provides you security

[Verg0]

- Isn´t open or passionate about Psychedelics 

Edited October 13, 2022 by Verg0

[Tyler Robinson]

And........ 

 

Never date a Virgo. They speak sweetly and then they break your heart with impunity like an IMPAAAAAAAAALER. 

 

Whiny suckers and heart breakers. 

 

 

Truth

Should have known better. The first Virgo had taught me a lesson. 

Should have known better. 

 

 

Watch this if you don't believe me 

https://youtube.com/shorts/DyEKACJRLEI?feature=share

This. This. This. This. Freaking Whiny babies who are never impressed always waiting to dump at the slightest. 

 

 

Edited October 13, 2022 by Tyler Robinson