Second Polyamory Thread

[Epiphany_Inspired]

The forum noted Alya's thread was "old" and suggested I make a new one, but anyone interested in this subject should check out hers too.

Edit: I just saw Concept's similar thread, sorry, should have checked first. Re: opinion on humans natural orientation, I think it depends on the individual more that the species...we see that in the animal kingdom too...

So, tomorrow, I'm going to meet a friend we "like" each other...his girlfriend is leaving him...this relationship, and the one he had before were "one-sided-polyamourus"...where these ladies were with other guys - but he was only with them...he still considers these polyamourus...but says he can be "either monogomous, or polyamourus"...I'm confused...

I have never wanted a poly situation (I've even said "get the fuck out of my tent, that sounds like a bunch of diseases waiting to happen"....lol)...It's partly about the diseases, (there is a waiting period before HIV can show up in testing etc)...but it's also an ego thing, perceived integrity thing, a moral compass thing, etc. I just want to be with one person. 

So, how do I tell him that my moral compass is only ok with "friend affection" (hugs, innocent kisses, holding hands, etc) until his girlfriend actually physically leaves (early spring)? How do I talk about: if we are seeing each other, and at some point I become a girlfriend, I don't want either of us to have other lovers? (I want to know if this is works, asap, but it's a big topic to bring up so soon). 

He is going to a polyamory meeting on Monday. Is it weird to ask: if he is going because he needs support dealing with his girlfriend having other lovers, or if he's going because he wants to "get more into it"/ it's become a part of his current identity.

 

 

Edited February 19, 2017 by Epiphany_Inspired

[ajasatya]

@Epiphany_Inspired you're lacking sincerity with yourself. you're getting into a situation you dislike. the guy, though, is being honest, telling you what he's about right now.

if you're not comfortable, then just get out of that situation. get over your neediness and be more patient until you find someone with the same interests as you. don't try to change others, telling them what to do, because it's an infantile attitude arising from a controlling ego.

[Epiphany_Inspired]

 @ajasatya Thanks so much! You are right about me needing more sincerity with myself, totally! Luckily it's not about neediness (though I have been that person before...lol). I've been single 1.5 years intentionally, I definitely don't "need" this (*was not looking/ wanting yet*). I'm just really pulled by the connection.

You are also totally right that the whole poly thing is making me really uncomfy! I feel really awkward (no experience)! I would never want to tell anybody what to do, and I have no desire to do that in this situation either. Instead of "getting out", isn't it ok to ask questions, get clarification, then decide where I stand? 

Can I express my feelings somehow? He told me that he can be both, poly or mono, and he has never actually been with another woman while in his poly relationships, only the ladies were. Can I just express, that until she leaves, we are friends...and if he wants a relationship/sex/anything more with me once she's gone, that I am not ok with poly? Is this telling him what to do? I thought it is just explaining where I stand....i'm really confused, thanks for helping!

I've had a couple of bi-sexual boyfriends before. They told me they were mono, and could be with either guys or girls, so that was easy for me to understand. If this new guy says he can be mono, or poly isn't it the same idea as a bisexual person choosing a single partner? I'm sorry if I came off as infantile, I have just never dealt with this before, and it's further complicated with his girlfriend not physically leaving just yet. I have been really honest too, brutally. I just don't want to go too deep into the logistics so soon and seem to intense, but I really do want to know if there is a potential future I'd be ok with, before I put more time and energy in. What do you think?

[Elisabeth]

Of course you can ask questions and express your feelings. It's just that you seem pretty decided:

13 hours ago, Epiphany_Inspired said:

I have never wanted a poly situation (I've even said "get the fuck out of my tent, that sounds like a bunch of diseases waiting to happen"....lol)...It's partly about the diseases, (there is a waiting period before HIV can show up in testing etc)...but it's also an ego thing, perceived integrity thing, a moral compass thing, etc. I just want to be with one person. 

So, how do I tell him that my moral compass is only ok with "friend affection" (hugs, innocent kisses, holding hands, etc) until his girlfriend actually physically leaves (early spring)? How do I talk about: if we are seeing each other, and at some point I become a girlfriend, I don't want either of us to have other lovers? (I want to know if this is works, asap, but it's a big topic to bring up so soon). 

1

Polyamory isn't right with your moral compass. The way you phrased it in those two paragraphs is a pretty clear expression of intentions and limits. You can use exactly the same words to talk to him. Tell him, that you're up for monogamy, and see - but if you're clear about poly not being for you, and he's aligned with the life-long monogamy idea, it might be better to part ways. That's what your questions probably should clarify.

[ajasatya]

@Epiphany_Inspired yes, express yourself. let him know what you're up to, so he will be able to choose. being sincere with yourself is always the first step. people usually struggle in this part because they don't know what they really want.

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@ajasatya @Elisabeth So much Gratitude to you both for helping! I should have been more clear, I was not considering "going poly" myself, I know my moral compass is monogamous, just as you said Elisabeth, so right! I was just really confused about how it works, if someone says they can be both mono or poly. I used the questions Leo suggested in Ayla's thread, and some of my own. I got really good answers (for anyone else that encounters a situation like this, I will post below). I will never again worry about asking "stupid" questions "too soon"! if we are truthfully ignorant about this stuff, we can just be honest and respectful, and inquire openly...it's really illuminating:

*What exactly is polyamourous/ non-monogamous?: Apparently there are so many different types of this ranging from a person that lives alone but is in a relationship with (aprox) 7 different people and they distribute their time between them all (this may or may not include one night stands as well), to something simpler like Ayla's situation, and a full spectrum in between.

*What about HIV/ AIDS (and the time frame needed to wait/confirm testing)? Apparently, it is a concern in the poly community. Like having one stable partner, having a fling, then potentially having to wait months to safely be with your partner again. Some people are trusting enough of protection, others do wait at lengths to be sure.

*Why can some people be both poly and mono? It depends if a person "needs" to be with multiple partners, or simply has a desire to.

*If you, as a mono or poly person had to choose one, which would it be? His choice was either, depending on the situation, people or person.

The few bi-sexual guys I was with, all loved *people* regardless of gender* with *no preference*, (like for  the gender opposite mine). If they did have that preference, I would not have felt comfortable in those relationships. I realized it was the same for me with this both mono & poly thing...and that for me, knowing if there was a preference, would determine if I was comfortable with expecting monogamy, from him for my benefit. I would never want to feel like I may be depriving  anyone of the opportunity to live out their chosen orientation. So I asked:

*"What if you could only choose one option and stick to it for the rest of your life"? He said poly. It's likely many people with this orientation would also choose poly, because it provides more variation and diversity in relationships, which is something people with a poly orientation naturally desire. So, now I know this situation is not right for me. It's much less awkward...and we are even better friends because of it (I'm a bit bummed, but receptive and accepting).