I lost my burning desire. How do I get it back?

[ThePoint]

On 18/10/2022 at 8:05 PM, Ulax said:

Do you have a strong sense of self?

To my mind, I.e. do you have a narrative of your life that isn't judgmental of you. And explains what happened in major portions of your life.

@Ulax

I don’t understand what you mean by strong sense of self and a narrative of my life. Could you please elaborate?

On 18/10/2022 at 10:35 PM, Ulax said:

t might be that your current situation is a means of attaining a need for independence, through a sort of rebellion against the control of your life by parents. So, maybe, what i see to be, your repeated asking for advice will continually lead to more rebellion, as each piece of advice you try to follow further negates your need for independence.

How would it negate my need for independence? 

On 18/10/2022 at 10:35 PM, Ulax said:

Also, if you have lots of thoughts tell you that you need to do X or Y, you could d a meditation where, using your inner voice, you shout 'fuck off' at them. I understand this to be what Pete Walker, a seemingly well-regarded and expert complex trauma psychotherapist recommends in part for trauma recovery from cluster-b style parenting.

While I don’t have a lot of thoughts that say that, I think this would be helpful for other things. Do you think it’d be helpful for OCD?

[ThePoint]

On 18/10/2022 at 8:07 PM, StarStruck said:

@ThePoint just be creative in your mind and experiment with different scenarios to see what makes you angry. 

@StarStruck I don’t know man. I feel like I should be angry about certain things but I’m not. I can’t feel any emotions (including negative ones) anymore so that’s probably contributing to it.

I think if I actually felt anger, jealousy, or cried for once, I would feel so relieved. Emotional numbness is more unpleasant than not feeling emotions at all. Can’t even force myself to feel sad or cry or feel angry about anything, when I technically should be sad or angry. 
 

On 18/10/2022 at 10:45 PM, LastThursday said:

Fair enough.

What you wrote resonated with me as I've been there - at one point I was physically struggling to even get out of bed, it's like my brain just wanted me to sleep 24 hours - it refused to "boot up". I just didn't care about anything. But, that is the definition of depression. In my case it wasn't so sudden but it crept up on me gradually over time.

If you think you're genuinely depressed then seek professional help. Depression is very treatable and there's no need to suffer any longer than you have already. There's many different types of therapy, there will be something that helps you, go get it.

I’ve been diagnosed with depression a while ago. I’ve seen psychologists and therapists and tried antidepressants but none of them really did much.
 

A psychologist probably would’ve helped if my depression was mostly psychological but it’s only become more clear to me that the depression I’ve been experiencing feels much more physical than psychological.
 

I’m not depressed ‘about’ anything, which would be a psychological depression. My main symptom is emotional numbness and anhedonia. No amount of CBT, or thinking differently, will noticeable change my ability to feel emotions. 

On 18/10/2022 at 10:45 PM, LastThursday said:

In terms of motivation, I would say try and maintain a base level of engagement even if it's difficult. Even getting as little as 30 minutes of light exercise - say walking - and getting 30 minutes of sunlight every single day, will help a great deal. Try and maintain a good sleep schedule. And, if you can improve your diet then do that as well.

It could be that it's temporary and you just need to relax into this new mode for a while and trust that things will right themselves again.

Yeah. I still go to the gym and exercise every day. I’ve tried many different diets and my symptoms reduce the most on keto, but it’s not a life changing difference. I still feel exhausted all the time.

While I hope it is indeed temporary, it’s been almost 2 years I’ve been like this and I don’t know how much longer I can keep going on like this.

  @LastThursday

[ThePoint]

On 18/10/2022 at 9:56 PM, Michael569 said:

this might be a possibility ^  

I've gone through a phase in my life where the previously meaningful thing has become absolutely redundant. David Deidda talks about this in the "way of the superior man" - that's one possibility 

I’ve read that book for the parts on life purpose. I like his analogy about peeling back layers of onions. The issue is that I don’t seem to care about purpose anymore like I used to.

On 18/10/2022 at 9:56 PM, Michael569 said:

Do you feel a sense of satisfaction in the work/career you do? Has that perhaps changed in any way? #

No. I don’t feel a sense of satisfaction in ‘anything’, let alone work/career.

On 18/10/2022 at 9:56 PM, Michael569 said:

Do you feel connected to your inner core and to your values at your work?  or is it more of "just a job that pays bills"? 

I don’t feel in touch with my inner core and my values that I used to have. I feel so apathetic and unlike my true self, so I don’t care about anything when I want to care.

On 18/10/2022 at 9:56 PM, Michael569 said:

Do you have a satisfying relationship or could the absence of one be driving those feelings? 
 

I don’t have any satisfying relationships. I’m not sure if the absence of them could be driving these feelings. How could I know?

On 18/10/2022 at 9:56 PM, Michael569 said:

How is your health? Your nutrition, sleep, your gut health, and stress

Terrible. My nutrition is as perfect as I can possibly make it, where I’ve cut out every single food that triggers my body. But I can’t control my sleep no matter how much I try, and I have gut health issues. 

On 18/10/2022 at 9:56 PM, Michael569 said:

Are you regularly exposed to things like mould?

I don’t know. How could I tell? I’ve considers taking a urine test for mold toxicity. Don’t know if it’s valid though.

On 18/10/2022 at 9:56 PM, Michael569 said:

Do you get enough daylight exposure? With shortening days and less light, lot of people are slipping into depression, which can be fixed should that be the case. 

I think so. I go outside every day, even if it’s just for a walk. @Michael569

 

[LastThursday]

6 hours ago, ThePoint said:

it’s only become more clear to me that the depression I’ve been experiencing feels much more physical than psychological.

I would listen to your intuition. I'm no doctor, but I wouldn't rule out infection of some sort:

https://psychnews.psychiatryonline.org/doi/full/10.1176/appi.pn.2015.3b14

, the most famous behaviour changing infection being Toxoplasmosis:

https://www.cdc.gov/parasites/toxoplasmosis/gen_info/faqs.html

It could even be an imbalance in your gut bacteria:

https://atlasbiomed.com/blog/9-ways-gut-bacteria-and-mental-health-probiotics-and-depression-are-linked/

There may also be some sort of mild stress or trauma which triggered the depression that isn't immediately obvious to you. Maybe you can pinpoint something that happened just before the depression started. Perhaps losing a family member or an accident or some unresolved problem or other. Often stress presents itself in the body rather than the mind.

You could also try to change your surroundings. Book yourself on a retreat for a month - it doesn't have to be solo - and see how your body reacts to that.

Those are just ideas for further investigation.

 

Edited October 21, 2022 by LastThursday

[Ima Freeman]

@ThePoint

It seems you have physical issues, like others pointed out before. Because you seem to be unable to be excited, which is connected with neurotransmitters and hormones 

Try to find sources that could affect your brain or hormonal health like heavy metals (amalgams, tap water), infections and dysbiosis (viruses, bacteria, intestinal worms, candida), low adrenal or thyroid function (has some cause thought), past antibiotic use, EMFs

[hyruga]

At least you still can feel that you have lost your burning desire so you still feel something. Feed on it.