When Anger Feeds On You!

[NaturaZen]

I've started my journey into self-awareness, deeper knowledge and healthier life style 5 years ago. After several years of living with depression and eating disorders, I decided I wanted to transform myself. Wonderful things happened for me: became a Reiki Master and acupunturist and kind "devoted" my life to my teacher that later became my husband, a quite well knowned figure. A year and half ago he decide he wanted to divorced and I put all my strenghts in pulling myself together. 

A couple of months ago while watching Leo's video: "How you lie", the feeling of realizing "this is what I do to myself!" just stroke me immediately!It did not leave my mind for weeks and against all my fears I finally did what I had to do: quited the job that made me miserable and got this huge opportunity of working in the fashion industry for a well kn owed company, that same week. 

Since then the feeling of anger never left me! It took me one year to assume that I had a manipulative/ violent partner and that I had allowed myself to be treated  like crap to keep a perfect picture to everyone else. 

At this moment I feel a "lie", have no motivation what so ever to continue my healing activity as a therapist and although I don't follow any religion belief, I feel spiritually "alone". Everyone compliments me for my smile and motivation but I feel a lie. 

 As anyone ever felt like "Is this all there is? Shouldn´t I been doing something greater with my life and actually know my life purpose?".

Thank you for your insights on this also!
 

[Ayla]

Your ONLY purpose on this planet is to be happy! 

If what made you HAPPY was to sell flowers on the street, that right there would be your life purpose! 

 

[NaturaZen]

Thank you so much Ayla for taking the time to read. I guess Simplicity can be the only line of conduct for me. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, NaturaZen said:

"Is this all there is? Shouldn´t I been doing something greater with my life and actually know my life purpose?".

"You" is all there really is.  Find out this "you" and the happiness you are.

Who would you be doing something greater for?  You are already great without doing anything.
What you observe and feel is the phenomena of your apparent world.   Look at it, learn about it, and know that you are watching it.   You are greater than it.  From that perspective you will see what needs to be done, and miraculously, it will not even seem like you do it.  The you that is being observed appears to be doing and experiencing.  This is the motions of a puppet that you are watching.

joy

 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, NaturaZen said:

Since then the feeling of anger never left me!

You entitled this thread "When Anger Feeds On You". 
Anger is not outside you.  You are the anger itself at the moment of expression.

You will note that in the moment that anger is expressing, as activity or feeling then strangely there is no evidence of you.   That expression has taken the stage of phenomenal manifestation.   However, when you look back on what happened (memory recall), then there appears to be a "you" looking at this thing called anger.  Thus, anger is not something that a "you" can get rid of.   It is a part of one's character and expression.

If one starts to watch all these behaviours, there comes a point of what one might call "sensitive detection" of an expression arising (in this case anger). That is when there is a potential for true change.   The arising is seen.  The very seeing negates it, because it is seen for what it is and there is no longer a need for it to express.  Voila!  There is seemingly a new "you" without the anger expressing.   Identity has shifted a bit. 

This is a little example of the spiritual journey.  The example is from my own experience.  I have left out all "personal" detail and just put down the main points.

joy