Ephemeral

[LastThursday]

When I open my eyes each morning I seem to wake up a bit more. Reality surges forward suddenly and it's always a shock, but my dreams are tenacious - their ephemeral surrealist tendrils sink further into my consciousness. Dali would twist his moustache in happiness. I suppose one morning the balance will have shifted and reality will instead reflect my dreams and then I won't know whether I'm dreaming or awake.

Edited October 7, 2022 by LastThursday

[Myioko]

Hey it's nice to see you here, I always liked reading your other journal! (Yes Dali would be proud, and all artists should have mustaches like him to show just this)

Those ruins look fascinating and it's a shame how war has torn down a lot of them

[LastThursday]

Hey @Myioko , you're too kind. I strangely miss this place, and the people and I miss regularly writing nonsense about myself! I hope you're well?

What brings it home to me about Kabul, is that they're just ordinary people like you and me trying to get on with their lives and thrive. It's a shame they've had to put up with so much bullshit and trauma.

 

[Myioko]

On 10/9/2022 at 2:14 AM, LastThursday said:

I strangely miss this place, and the people and I miss regularly writing nonsense about myself! I hope you're well?

@LastThursday I'm pretty fine/alright  I'm scrambling to get things done lately. How are you?

Nonsense as well as meaningful nonsense is always nice to write and read about!

On 10/9/2022 at 2:14 AM, LastThursday said:

It's a shame they've had to put up with so much bullshit and trauma.

Yeah, I can't imagine the stress and trauma that would come with a continuous background threat of war mind

Edited October 11, 2022 by Myioko

[LastThursday]

Should there be a women only section to the forum? And how would it work?

From a detached viewpoint I can see there's an imbalance to this forum. Imbalances always cause problems of majority groupthink, suppression of the minorities (even if not intended), and implicit bias towards the concerns of the majority. 

I know for a certain fact that women are no more or less able to take on the task of self actualisation and spirituality than men. This should be reflected on the forum and on Actualized in general. Women are just as numerous as men in the population and this should be represented here too.

A women only section to the forum could be set up. It would just be a general section where anything can be posted. Everyone would be able to see all the posts and replies, but only women would be able to post and reply. This can be controlled through the gender option on a member's profile. 

There would have to be some nuance to using the gender option. All members can choose to have a gender or not disclose this at all. On top of that a member can disclose their gender, but not have it displayed on their profile. However, only members who identify as "female" can post in the new forum (whether shown on their profile or not). To stop abuse, all new or existing members have one chance to change their gender after which it is locked. After that only a mod can change your gender for you. And as a further safeguard only a female mod can change your gender to "female".

Only female moderators would be allowed to moderate the new sub-forum. Only female moderators can post in the sub-forum. This would exclude Leo himself (he is male), and he would have to comment only indirectly through a female moderator.

Having a women only sub-forum will have several benefits. It will give women a "safe space" away from male trolling, gaslighting, adversarial style interaction and sexism. But it will also allow discussion of more female centric subjects and concerns. It will start off slowly but I think it would gather momentum over time and have a virtuous effect on the rest of the forum - by redressing the imbalance.

With my programmer's head on, the changes required to set this up would be minor (an extra column in the member's table in the database to indicate the gender is locked). And then a few "if" statements to control who can post in the new sub-forum based on the gender field. And a couple of changes to the UI to accommodate all this.

Of course, I wouldn't be allowed on there either, but that's a small price to pay.

Edited December 7, 2022 by LastThursday

[Zigzag Idiot]

3 hours ago, LastThursday said:

Should there be a women only section to the forum? And how would it work?

From a detached viewpoint I can see there's an imbalance to this forum. Imbalances always cause problems of majority groupthink, suppression of the minorities (even if not intended), and implicit bias towards the concerns of the majority. 

I know for a certain fact that women are no more or less able to take on the task of self actualisation and spirituality than men. This should be reflected on the forum and on Actualized in general. Women are just as numerous as men in the population and this should be represented here too.

A women only section to the forum could be set up. It would just be a general section where anything can be posted. Everyone would be able to see all the posts and replies, but only women would be able to post and reply. This can be controlled through the gender option on a member's profile. 

,,,,,,,,,

Great Idea! @LastThursday

I very much agree. Hope this idea gets some attention.

[LastThursday]

I feel as though I've run out steam when it comes to journaling. I mostly took it up during the lockdown, and because I've always fancied being sort some sort of writer. I think I've got out everything I wanted to get out (in my other journal). I've processed a lot of stuff through it, by virtue of the fact of just writing it out and thinking about what to say. I've also expounded on a lot of my ideas and clarified them, where before they were half-baked and nebulous. I've also improved my writing style and I find it quite easy to just keep writing: I enjoy it. I've also used it as a way to express myself and my unique take on things. Maybe, I've even been entertaining!

I've never been one to inauthentically force myself to do anything. I'm big enough and mature enough to do only the things I want to (and when I want to do them), or the things that absolutely have to be done. I journaled daily because I wanted to. I'm journaling less because I want to. 

One of my aims for journaling was not to repeat myself, I wanted every post to be new. There are probably more depths I could plumb, after all I have 50 years of experiences; to recount all that in real time would take another 50 years. I think more ideas will accumulate in time and I can come fresh to it. I did start to consolidate my old journal into book form and that sits on my hard drive ready to be edited and polished and arranged. Knowing myself, I will have a spurt of energy and focus sometime and get the thing done, I just don't know when.

I had a stuttering start to journaling on here, constantly yo-yoing about what I could actually write about. But the waters broke in the end, I had a need that had to be fulfilled. I feel the same about participating here on the forum and even about pursuing some sort of spirituality in general. My needs ripple differently each day and are fickle. I took a break from here for a number of months, because of a confluence of factors: mostly I was processing the effects of my coaching sessions, and because I didn't want to be beholden to habit and distraction; I wanted to know I was in control and I am.

I'll continue journaling on here, but I suspect far more sporadically. At the moment I'll continue to spam the forum with my insights.

[LastThursday]

My Dad has health problems, he's in his mid 70s. I prefer the word problem to issue, call a spade a spade. He has heart disease and late onset diabetes. Whenever I would visit him and go for a walk, he would have to stop every few hundred yards with pain. I felt for him, despite his imperfections, despite the way he frustrates me, the way he treated me when I was younger (avoidant behaviour), I still love the guy. I'm so similar to him in a lot of ways, to hate him would be like hating my hand. 

What does a son do in that position? He can only express his limited wisdom, and tell him to get it fixed, and help as much as he's prepared to help. He's a stubborn old goat. He has the arrogance of self-assuredness and he knows best. I'm the same, I listen, but I don't, I've always gone my own way, even to my own detriment. And he's goddamn avoidant. Whenever pressured he goes into his shell, and effectively ignores everyone.

As I lay in bed some nights, I would think: will that be me in twenty years? Fuck that shit. My dad never smoked and hardly drinks. In fact I'm the bad influence, he tends to drink more around me and is inclined to eat crappy food. I smoked for years and years. To be honest I'm more likely to end up with health problems than my Dad is. Yikes.

But also as I lay in bed some nights, I would wish for my Dad's health problems to go away. If some sort of remote healing works then let it happen. I imagined him healthy and being able to do all the things he wants to do. I did this on and off for months. He had a heart attack last year.

That heart attack, forced him to confront his own stubborn beliefs. His family, me included, listened to him, chided him, cajoled him. He at first refused all surgery. After much deliberation he agreed to have two stents inserted (rather than the bypass surgery that he actually needed). After a period of recuperation he was able to walk without pain. He also found out that he had stopped being diabetic (due mostly to much improved diet).

And so my wishes came true. 

Is this remote healing? Who cares. If my wishes had somehow warped reality, then it was done in a way that was consistent with it. If wishing and praying do anything, then it works like this. Reality adjusts itself in a consistent way to your expectations, it can take time, and the adjustment can be in very unexpected ways: my Dad had to have a heart attack to shift his beliefs enough to fix himself.

So, I can only keep experimenting. I hate to see people I love suffering. It's a small price to pay to set aside some time each day and wish for them to have better lives, even if I'm deluding myself.