Merit/deserving Issue

[Lynnel]

To some extent I feel that I don't deserve the great things in life  and I have no idea where this issue could be coming from. I feel like you need merit to have what you have and there needs to be merit otherwise you don't deserve those things, but the problem is I never feel enough merit to actually deserve them.

Is it confidence ? A bad learned pattern ? Childhood issues ? Any imput would be appreciated

[Loreena]

Do you suffer any childhood issues ?

It is true that one should deserve things when one has the merit to earn them. You could write down a list of positive qualities and strengths that you believe you have. To me personally, this seems to be a self esteem issue when you begin to feel you don't deserve something. you might have observed people around you who have lots of things even when they really don't deserve them yet they are very content and happy. Maybe because, they are very happy and at peace with themselves. So they feel even better when they get more things in life and they openly receive them without fear/self-doubt. You will have to unlearn this thought pattern which is set in your mind that makes you feel undeserving of something.

Allow yourself to openly and freely receive things without being too judgmental about it. You fully deserve what you have and even more. Create that feeling of worthiness and abundance within yourself. Reward yourself each time you feel you did something good. Whenever you have thoughts of self-doubt, express them, write them down, ridicule them, ask yourself if this is really true or am I just feeling it out of lack of something within me. You might realize that it was just your perception and not reality. Imagine yourself doing really well and all the good things coming to you.

You will have to learn to target specific emotions that make you feel this way and work from there.

[Toby]

 

[Bodhi123]

@Lynnel It sounds like a self-esteem issue to me. I would highly recommend reading Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. The book will help you understand the components of self-esteem and how to raise your own.

[Lynnel]

15 hours ago, Loreena said:

Do you suffer any childhood issues ?

Most likely but they don't seem related to exactly this problem   So...I don't know. If you could tell me the exact childhood issues related to this - that would be very nice. I agree with the rest, and thank you, but about :

15 hours ago, Loreena said:

It is true that one should deserve things when one has the merit to earn them.

I'm annoying at the fact that the word merit is even present : I mean does a baby merit it's mother ? Whatever you have/desire/will have you totaly deserve because there is no other reality than this. Merit doesn't make any sense and still my mind is operated by it partially. Quite annoying.

@Toby Thank you ! @Bodhi123 : already read it and it didn't help much

[Loreena]

45 minutes ago, Lynnel said:

Most likely but they don't seem related to exactly this problem   So...I don't know. If you could tell me the exact childhood issues related to this - that would be very nice. I agree with the rest, and thank you, but about :

 

If one of your parents periodically abandoned you(abandonment issues or negligence issues), you may be attracted to partners in the future whose love you have to “earn”, as opposed to being attracted to people that already love you. You may be feeling not worthy enough to have their love in your life even if you deserve it.

53 minutes ago, Lynnel said:

I'm annoying at the fact that the word merit is even present : I mean does a baby merit it's mother ? Whatever you have/desire/will have you totaly deserve because there is no other reality than this. Merit doesn't make any sense and still my mind is operated by it partially. Quite annoying.

 

I meant people who don't deserve the money they have and who made money in nefarious ways. But in the example of mother-baby, it does not apply at all. The child deserves all of their mother's love. You are right - merit doesn't make any sense. And whatever love and happiness comes your way, you should be grateful for it and openly receive it.

[Lynnel]

On 19/02/2017 at 11:49 AM, Loreena said:

If one of your parents periodically abandoned you(abandonment issues or negligence issues), you may be attracted to partners in the future whose love you have to “earn”, as opposed to being attracted to people that already love you. You may be feeling not worthy enough to have their love in your life even if you deserve it.

So basically a form of conditionnal love - and because love is the most essential thing - you grow up believing that everything is conditionnal, because even if love is percieved as conditionnal while it is most essential everything else must also be related to merit.

But since you had to logical ideas to come up for why you didn't deserve love (and you extrapolated the fact you didn't deserve love because you didn't have it - there would be no reason otherwise not to : along the lines of if I don't get love it must mean there is a problem with me/I'm bad) - because being abandonned is unrelated to you - you assimilated unworthyness  - aka you were abandonned because of you and not because of something else you couldn't concieve as a child yet. 

This would then setup a dynamic where you have to earn everything - meaning that everything and all is conditionnal and of course since you can't even get loved for who you are which is totaly basic and essential and you even couldn't "deserve" that well who are you gonna deserve anything else ? If you're so bad you didn't meet conditions for the most important life necessity well that's pretty clear you're never gonna feel good enough about meeting the "conditions" for having/deserving anything else.

Sometimes I wonder whether I would have been a very good therapist @Loreena Thank you I free associated a solution for my problem based on what you said
 

[Loreena]

Exactly. With emotional issues, we have to keep peeling off the layers of the onion to get to the center/source of those emotions. I am glad I was able to help @Lynnel. Have a great day 

Edited February 21, 2017 by Loreena

[Lynnel]

14 minutes ago, Loreena said:

Exactly. With emotional issues, we have to keep peeling off the layers of the onion to get to the center/source of those emotions. I am glad I was able to help @Lynnel. Have a great day 

You too using Freud's metaphor ? Future therapist ?