Hiba's Journal- A new, tougher chapter of life

[Hibahere]

Hey everyone! I'm hiba

Bear with me while I try my best to start this journal and make it easier for everyone else to understand. I'm turning 21 in November, 20th and I know this is going to be my loneliest birthday ever. In this journey of self actualization, at this particular point I feel like I have lost a lot. Especially people.

June 2021 till August 2022 was a bliss. I finally got into a relationship with my best friend. He was the love of my life and we had a prior friendship of 2 years, met him in my A levels, and now I'm uni 3rd year. With him, came along a group of tight knit 3 more friends whom I cherished because they were the best people I got in my life as best friends...best I've ever come across. Inevitably we both shared 80 percent of the same circle of friends. It was romance, craze and lust this whole time..I lost myself in him, he was blinded by love too...he showered me with expensive gifts on my birthday, even my friends did...it was one of the best birthdays I ever had. We both spent deep intimate moments together this whole time...but only to come to this point where we saw each others darker sides. 3 weeks ago..we broke up. He was stubborn, unchanging, dominant stage blue, emotionally unavailable, and thought he was perfect. I was insecure, posessive,  jealous and narcissistic. Both clashed...we ended on good terms. I felt like the world had been pulled from under my feet, I got so attached to him and it almost felt like he had died. I was devastated and lonely, because he was my bestfriend and lover both. My world revolved around him...it all ended just like that. My current friendship are weakening too..because I'm just not on the same level of mind as they are. I've changed a lot.

However with this came the good. I was made aware of my shadows, my patterns and I came to realise the value of my family, my current degree, academia and social circle which all I avoided while being with him. I abandoned my plans of becoming a scientist just to fit his expectations of being a good housewife in the future. I was naive and dumb. After all of this...im trying to get back on track and focus on these things that are my primary focus in life. After this whole experience I don't know how but...I have changed as a person,  I don't feel the same and it's sort of uncomfortable. Before I used to think with emotions,  I was neurotic and full of anxiety, always pretentious. Now my mind naturally thinks in a logical way, reasons through decisions with my intuition and this is what brings out the best decisions for the long term. Before I had this change, I used to make stupid decisions with my emotions. I always thought something was wrong with me. Now it's like I know when to use my emotions and I also know how to accept them and sit with them. My mind doesn't control me now, I control it. This is huge for me. I feel like im slowly becoming stronger from the inside and people around me are pointing this out to me too. I have huge plans after my bachelors, I plan on doing PhD too. My current plans also include psychological mastery, and transcending stage orange to green and moving into yellow.

Guys, I know I should be happy for such changes but it's getting hard for me to adjust. It feels like a new chapter in my life has started and the older one is slowly withering off. I'm in my limbo phase at the moment. I feel sad that I'm always losing people. Even my current friends are few,...they too aren't matching up to me. My mind rarely ever matches with another person's mind....this is why it is so hard for me to find new friends. It's rare that I find good and mature female companions, most females in my age group are petty, selfish and highly immature...and I can not stand such people. I find male friends more easily, i attract them easily....they tend to think somewhat more logocally and make way better companions (only if it doesnt end up in a relationship lol).but I yearn for that deeper female to female connection. It's very vitalisng to say the least. Most females either end up resenting me because of the attention I get or either hide their jealousy and pretend to be friends with me. Had previous experience like these. I sometimes feel so lonely...I feel like there's none like me here in Pakistan...no one who matches my mindset....everyone is just stubborn and selfish set in their own naive dogmatic minds...I need progressive friends...people who are into self actualization but I never find them. I beleive companionship is a vital part of life and I can not dismiss it. I want to start walking this academic journey with passion and strength but at the same time, I'm dying for a connection with like minded people, I yearn for deep connections as I move into stage green. People at my university put me on a pedestal, for some damn reason. This is why It's kind of hard ro make friends in my batch too.

Edited October 4, 2022 by Hibahere