How I feel right now?

[Tefikos]

Why did I start this journal? I don't know, maybe I want to express how I feel, or compare my growth to the past in the future. Who knows.

So how I feel now? I feel bit stuck with my emotional body, there is lots of painful resistance that is waiting to be relased. But it just feels so difficult, because it is just so painful. There is a really big fear in my mind, that I can't handle these feelings that are hiding in my unconscious mind. I fear being drown under the weight of things and feelings that are hiding down there.

I have to be more compassionate, loving and caring toward myself and be more patient with my healing.

So much have changed lately and massive progress has happened with my growth and healing, but still there is a lot to do. The process unfolds forever and there is perfection in being unperfect, it's okay to be unperfect.

Also I feel that I need to question my limiting beilief, that was taught by my english teacher who told me that I will never learn the language. It rings in my mind all the time when I try to communicate with english to others and sabotages my ability to do so. It's just so frustrating. 

Luckily these conditions will improve soon and the sun will shine again, brighter than ever before.:)

Much love to myself and to everyone else.<3

[Tefikos]

I have felt pretty tense lately, after my last psilocybin trip that I did almost a week ago, I have felt restless. Psysical body just develops weird symphtoms out of the blue and emotions have been really turbulent. Things are starting to change in a rapid way and the change is scary. I feel really sad because change mens that the old needs to die, the old that I was really attached before. I know that change and impermanence are laws of the universe, but still it feels really heavy. I also know that things will change to  the better, it just takes a while.  

I'm so happy that I have realized things about my life that have been the source of my suffering and about the change that I already see in my life. So long I have been in my own safe little bubble, that I forgot how much I need deep interactions with others and how good it feels. So long I have repressed myself so others could feel better, that I forgot how wonderful I am.

All is good, the negatives are just a reminder that better days are coming. Much love☀️?

[Tefikos]

There is a lingering sadness in my chest, it feels so heavy and it colours the whole world with a grey colour. It's like a bottomless pit of sorrow, just darkness that never ends. Why it is so difficult to accept myself as I am, why do I need some external validation to embrace things in me? Why can't I just be the way I am? Of couse I could, but it feels like I can't, because it's just the pain of the disapproval of others, that prevents me from accepting who I am. I fear judgements and disapproval of others so much, that I feel like I have to be invisible and small, so others wont notice anything wrong in me. I try to fulfil my needs for love and belonging so badly, that I actually distance myself from them. I just want to be seen, heard and accepted as I am, but I live in a society that produces the opposite effect. Gladly there are more progressive people, than ever before, who doesn't only accept me as I am, but also wants to make me feel seen, heard and accepted. I'm really grateful for them, Finland and especially our capital city is a blessing for me, there I feel that I can be exatly as I am, and express it freely. ?

 

 

[Tefikos]

I feel confused, because lately I have felt so weird, but I really don't know what or why that feeling is. It feels like something isn't anymore the way it was and I feel sad for the loss. It feels like I can't never anymore go to that what existed in the past. I have no other choice, but to embrace the new and different, but that is scary, it's unknown terriority and I don't know how well I will survive with it. I fear that people won't accept me anymore and they will begin to judge me. The need to belong just blinds me at times and make me to think like, I would need to modify myself for the likes and needs of others, or otherwise they would begin to judge me and then they would abandon me. Even though I know that, not everybody are going to judge me or abandon me, when I'm different and most of them will accept and embrace me as I am. It takes a while for some people to get used to the change that happens in me, but eventually most people will accept it and even if they don't, it's not the end of the world, cause there are others that will.

The need to be seen, heard and accepted as I am will eventually dominate and surface all the hidden shadow aspects of the self. Then the need for belonging will eventually be fulfilled, cause I will belong to some group as I am, not as something else, that is more socially prefered and accepted. I feel the way I feel, cause I live in a abnormal society with it's abnormal standards for what it means to be a "normal" human being. Those standards have nothing to do with truth, it's all about what at somepoint in our history we're useful for us. Now it just creates suffering and gives nothing, maybe it was normal and useful in the past, but it can't be that anymore. Anything that is not useful and produces suffering for some of us, should not be seen as normal anymore. I can't wait to read the book: myth of normal, from Gabor Mate. I have high expectations for that book, so I hope that I wont be disappointed:D

 

Edited October 8, 2022 by Tefikos

[Tefikos]

How do I feel right now?

Afraid of death, I literally am terrorised by the imagination of death. I smoked dmt a week ago and go a great awakening, but after the trip, this fear of death arose. Days I have been feeling really bad, because of this fear. It is really physical feeling that hurts so bad. My capasity to handle these things has incrased and I am somehow able to manage this feeling without totally relapsing to addictions, but it is difficult at times. Of course soon this will pass and I will again feel better, but at the moment it is hard to believe, like always in the middle of difficult feelings. 

My life has progressed and I am becoming every day the healthier version of myself and I feel good about it, but at the same time I feel sad, because of the change that has happened. I feel sad, because had to give up a lot of things and behaviours that didn't serve me any longer. The attachment bond I had for those things makes the separation a really painful process, even though I know that they beginned to just limit and hurt me.

In the end the change is always positive and day by day I feel better and am more whole as a person. May the future be bright.

Every day in every way it's getting better and better.

Edited October 19, 2022 by Tefikos
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