Addictions

[Joker_Theory]

Hi

Before i tell the story by this point i am addicted to phenibut 3-4gpd but this is not a problem cause i don't get WD from it if i take it in 24 hours and i have a history of alcohol addiction which i quit at this stage a while ago. Got a very addictive personality but stayed away from other drugs at this moment.

I don't want to be in the victim mentality and so i am not blaming people , circumstances or situations but that's how i am going to describe the story. I guess deep down i do blame them but i understand it's my ego and understand it by doing this it relieves the pain a bit and takes away my responsibility in being so stupid. 

So here goes. Got called by my uncle to come help him pick up his wife cause she fell on the ground and he can't get her up so i go and help her. I visit there a bit and i don't understand why she is so weak that she can't get up. Only to find out later that her son is sick and might have covid. She does look weak and a bit sick but not covid symptoms so i thought i might be safe. Anyway turns out they both had covid and i got covid the Monday. 

I am 43 so i feel i am young and healthy and i will make it without going to the hospital and that turns out to be wrong as the covid goes into my lungs and end up with Double pneumonia. I forgot to mention that i have severe anxiety/fear and severe social anxiety/phobia and a super nervous, shy and scared guy so i am panicking at this point. 

I stayed in a government hospital in South Africa is scary in the first place and i'm a white guy(not a racist at all cause of spirituality and we are all one) and there is prob 4 white people and every other person is are not. Black people hate us whites here in South Africa and for good reason and they live in poverty which i understand why they are so violent. At this point i am also so sick so i am okay and sleep most of the time so first 7 days in hospital hard cause i'm sick and scared i am going to die(fear i thought i transcended but apparently not) so i just take my prescribed 0.5mg Clonazepam(benzo's) everyday(skip a day or two here and there) instead of as needed for the rest of my 1 and a half month stay there.

The covid ward was not that bad but when they send me to the ward were people that had covid that had heal was the worst Thats when i needed to take 0.5mg Clonazepam twice a day cause my nervous were up with the patients there some in pain and some just behaving badly cause that's how they act. Also, so rasism against me cause i was the only white there and they hate us like i said. It was a nightmare!!

Coming out of hospital is when i only realised i was hooked on Clonazepam when i had my first panic attack stopping cause i was out of hospital. It did not stop there so i still had some lung infection and was coughing up blood for 2 weeks till finally my lung collapsed and had to go back to hospital for another 2 months but stayed on 1mg Clonazepam. 

I have gone to Dr which don't really know how to taper this stuff. They made me taper to fast and totally got my brain fried. I have switched over to diazepam which has longer half life but i just cant cope with life cause it's been now more than 1.5 years now and still on everything. Benzo's has wrecked my life cause i keep getting tolerance WD even though the half life is so long. It's tough to come through the day without feeling like a nervous wreck.

I have no job(my dad could not afford me anymore) and no money so i am lucky my mom is helping me pay for my meds. I need to do something(going to start tapering Phenibut tomorrow) but anyway that's my story. Oh and lost my 6 year meditation practice and so i feel so lost.

Sorry for typing such a long story and now feel stupid writing it cause it seems like it has no purpose and thought to ask some questions but now can't think of anything.

I feel i learned so much in this horror show but difficult to get on my feet.

I guess i could ask if some here can relate and how did you get off benzo's? 

Is there any kind of practice to help addictions?

Thanks for reading!!

 

 

 

 

[Raze]

Try recovery by Russell Brand

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_dawQLA-mA

 

https://www.shinzen.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/art_urges.pdf

[Joker_Theory]

@Raze TY