Pros of suicide

[Loba]

I've been feeling this way for the past few days as well.  I'm trying to stave it off with observing my feelings, with writing things I am grateful for - but the truth is, I was on a path for a while and I felt good about it, but now I am riddled with doubt, with a lack of faith in myself, and I absolutely hate myself, my circumstances, and my body.  I hate that I am sick, that I've lost so much, and I hate that I can't bounce back and make something out of it like so many other people are able to do.  They've been through worse and are so brave and admirable and I'm... not.  I'm just me.  Some silly, pointless woman.  What am I here for?  Why do I exist?  I can't even be a decent enough person to see beyond my own problems, either.  Like, the world is suffering and I get that, but I'm so "stuck" in myself and my own issues, and I feel very guilty for this.  I feel like a burden.  I feel like any expression of these emotions is just some way to complain.  I don't see an end in sight.  I don't want to end up being one of those people who spend their whole day starving for something that they can't fill within themselves.

I just want... to feel like I do when I am sleeping, or dreaming, where everything is spread out and it's so pure and pristine and in those moments I can really see what I am made of.  And I think... this is real.  This is it.  If I could just stay here.  But then I wake up, and I am back with all of you mutually miserable, sick people, just trying to make it through the day - and I wonder why life is so beautiful and so horrible at the same time.

I am inundated with guilt for my existence.  I don't think I deserve to be here.
And yet, I'm too cowardly to just off myself.  Maybe there is that glimmer of hope that things will get better, but I know myself too well at this point.
It all hinges on this over-attachment to the spiritual world, and once I lose touch with it, like I have for the past few days, I feel lost and distraught.  Like blinded and cut off from my food source almost.

I think the pros of suicide would be that you would get a chance to heal, to see what you should have been doing in life and your purpose, which isn't so easy to understand - but the downside would be that you would know you failed in that purpose.  And even though you'll be put together for a time, you still need to come back to finish what you started.  If I had to come back into this world, like this, and I had even less than I do now to make something out of this life that I am responsible for, I might get caught in a cycle of killing myself, over and over.

When I read these threads, I feel a strong sense of understanding towards people who have these feelings.  It is really hard to get out of the cycle of wanting to harm yourself.  Sometimes I will sit with these feelings for months, just to have a break for a time, only for them to come up again in some form completely unexpected.

 

[at_anchor]

@Devin yeah, one of the things I would enjoy doing is being a delivery guy or a postman. But that's impossible. 

Even meditation is impossible when you are surrounded by the wrong people, which unfortunately I am and I cannot change that any time soon. Maybe in the future when they die out or something.

[Devin]

1 hour ago, at_anchor said:

@Devin yeah, one of the things I would enjoy doing is being a delivery guy or a postman. But that's impossible. 

Even meditation is impossible when you are surrounded by the wrong people, which unfortunately I am and I cannot change that any time soon. Maybe in the future when they die out or something.

You can't go to a park and meditate?

[flowboy]

@at_anchor  Speaking as someone whose parents made him weak and defenceless against bullies

Sitting at your laptop discussing with online strangers and philosophizing about suicide is not going to help you.

You're in a situation where you're not happy.

Are you physically trapped? Behind bars?

No.

So stop letting this situation defeat you and take some action.

You have legs. Walk away.

You have a couple hundred dollars, or the ability to borrow them, so use that.

Go volunteer at a farm somewhere far away, the physical work, nature and change of environment will do you good.

https://wwoof.net/

Yes, you're going to disappoint your parents. Fuck them. When death starts to look attractive, you need to be aggressively selfish for a while and not care who disapproves.

Just get away, what do you have to lose?

You don't need anyone's permission, and don't let anyone tell you that you're ruining "your future" forever.

Break free.

It will be the best year of your life, and you'll be much clearer about what you want after that.

[at_anchor]

6 hours ago, Devin said:

You can't go to a park and meditate?

Yes, if I could go do that, I wouldn't be here talking to you  or at least not like this in this subsection.

4 hours ago, flowboy said:

https://wwoof.net/

Yes, you're going to disappoint your parents. Fuck them. When death starts to look attractive, you need to be aggressively selfish for a while and not care who disapproves.

Just get away, what do you have to lose?

Sorry, but I am in such a state mentally and intellectually that I don't appear normal and cannot have a normal conversation. So no one will want me around, especially when people find out where I am and come to make sure I come back.

Maybe if I took a month off and went someplace else I could get my normalicy back, but that would be expensive. 

I have a lot to lose. I already lost enough. I'd rather die than leave, knowing that I will have to come back with even more losses.

And I am not sitting or on a laptop. Yes, it is not gonna help me, but I am searching for a good reason to give up and die. Yes, I'm not behind bars, but I am not much better than behind bars either.

Edited October 7, 2022 by at_anchor

[at_anchor]

Wounded to the point of disgust and retaliation. Easily triggered and manipulated. Like people throwing rocks at a chimp in the zoo, but very maliciously. Sometimes after you get hurt and the pain stops you can even be so excited like crazy. But then you realize what was done to you and you want just justice.

Unfortunately there are many scapegoats for the shitheads. And I can't find a job on Earth that they wouldn't be able to make sure I lose from the start. So without a paycheck and money and securitY, I'm suicidal.

Edited October 7, 2022 by at_anchor

[flowboy]

On 07/10/2022 at 2:32 PM, at_anchor said:

but that would be expensive. 

I have a lot to lose. I already lost enough. I'd rather die than leave, knowing that I will have to come back with even more losses.

These are your bars that you are behind.

Mental, self-created ones.

Only you can break them.

Reach out for help if you can't do it alone.

[at_anchor]

No, I can make it work here. I just need to know how to deal with selfish, manipulative people and become good with some of them in my family. I need to be more tolerant and accepting of them as well as myself and my position in life as terrible as it is.

The problem is that I am lost again an without a direction for the next chapter of my life, next five or ten years. 

I know I am a burden to all you here, but what can I say, either kick me out or put up with me at least the way I put up with my grandpa and many other nutcases in the past, including myself. The biggest one of all 

[Breakingthewall]

the only solution is to fight. every day, every minute, to be a little freer each time. refine, eliminate the superfluous. little by little, millimeter by millimeter. fight for your life. meditate, eliminate Netflix, meditate more, eliminate bad relationships, eliminate bad habits. purify yourself. little by little you will start respecting, loving. will, strength, determination. As far as I know, there is no other formula. if not life eats you. it's not a game. ending up old, depressed, lonely drunk loser is a lot like hell. or homeless. watch out!

[Gladius]

Death is the only certain thing in life, so why rush it? Get curious about life, and whether you can overcome a shitty past.

[at_anchor]

@Breakingthewall @Gladius + @everyone, yes, so, it appears slaves in ancient Rome lived a better life than me. That's fucking insane. Right now I feel terrible and feel like I wish I did not exist. For the past two days I was also feeling weak, afraid and hopeless. 

  So yeah, my family is my enemy as well. They want me to suffer and fail. They lie, hide, manipulate, cross my boundaries, etc. It started in my childhood and now it is coming to an end. 

It is harder to attack someone selfish and basically evil than myself. I just have a problem with leaving my money and other stuff behind to them. 

It is cold here and I want to go to hell. I know life after death does not exist, but I feel this way now. Do you know any good charity organization, I know it would be terrible to basically ask one of you do you need money. My suicide is gonna be a result of society, family and a group of elites pushing me down, not this site, to be clear.

[puporing]

@at_anchor This might sound insane but.. Are there options like seeking refugee status in another country? What would happen if you simply tried to cross borders..?

[at_anchor]

@puporing I can't. I don't want to even try that, even if it actually might end up working. I'm afraid I will have to come back or I don't know. I live here and now I want not to anymore, cause I can't. 

[Gladius]

On 07/10/2022 at 2:58 PM, at_anchor said:

Wounded to the point of disgust and retaliation. Easily triggered and manipulated. Like people throwing rocks at a chimp in the zoo, but very maliciously. Sometimes after you get hurt and the pain stops you can even be so excited like crazy. But then you realize what was done to you and you want just justice.

Unfortunately there are many scapegoats for the shitheads. And I can't find a job on Earth that they wouldn't be able to make sure I lose from the start. So without a paycheck and money and securitY, I'm suicidal.

Man, I gotta say I loved this. Your awareness level is already huge. I feel you, believe me it really resonates with me (and I'm sure with many people in this forum).

If it helps, a little bit of my story: I overcame abuse from a shitty family, many years of bullying in high school, and decades of being a doormat. At the moment I'm pretty happy, functional and fulfilled. You can come back from anything.

[at_anchor]

@Gladius I'm glad it resonates with you. I forgot I wrote that and I don't consider myself to be a very aware person, but I appreciate the compliment. 

Yesterday, I was tired as well, because the night before I was not allowed to sleep on time, etc. Everyone treats me badly because of conspiracies spread by certain others who are like embraced by selfishness. They know that I am good and truthful, but the truth is of course what they don't want. Neither do they want goodness because they are selfish and bad as fuck. So that's why they want to crush me in everything and that is what I will unsuccessuly fight to correct. 

Problem is that I'm trying to turn selfish opponents on my side to be less selfish and stand with me against the really selfish, which is impossible. I'm uselessly abasing myself and turning them to the dark side more and more, inadvertantly. They don't care about the truth of the natter either. So they get bonuses for that. I dont know if it is true that you shouldn't drink from the devils cup in the end, cause it might just be what they need and want. It might just be useful for their survival.

[vishnusavestheday]

Wow, I posted on this thread or a thread like this a while ago (think it wasn't this thread). My first cousin just self-deleted today. She was 16 years old. Her twin brother found her dead this afternoon. 

Yeah, from where I'm sitting, suicide is not cool. I live with my grandparents, and I was told right before my grandfather arrived with lunch. He didn't know. We had a very difficult meal. He was his same joking self, and my grandmother and I kept making this solemn eye contact.

 

When he finished his meal and let it be known to him, he let out a sound similar to a dog yelping in pain. I won't forget it. 

 

I won't ever get to see my cousin at a drunk Christmas party, or any future family vacation. I have to live knowing that I was one of the few who has harvested her soul just from direct contact. It is a direct experience that will no longer fathom itself. I literally saw her 2 months ago.

 

Don't kill yourself, it's really selfish to have everyone who knew you regurgitate these unoriginal feelings of grief and mourning just because you doubt your living potential.

 

Doing anything is better than self-deletion. If it prevents you from being a doormat, start a fight with teenagers who are cutting themselves in front of you while they are drunkenly confessing their pain.

If you realize what can be gained from being just and important from that alone, people are the last thing that matters.

Negative societal behaviors are really what you encounter, not people.

If you are honest with this you become actually God, just and possibly capable of changing others to positive behavior because they are literally algorithm to you -- no reason to be afraid of a recurring algorithmic experience.

 

Suicide is pettyyyy

[at_anchor]

 

 

3 hours ago, vishnusavestheday said:

Negative societal behaviors are really what you encounter, not people.

This might be true in most cases I guess. 

PS: I hope you and  your sisters will see each other again.

Whatever the reason may be that she did this.

Edited October 13, 2022 by at_anchor

[zurew]

On 2022. 10. 04. at 3:35 PM, Yarco said:

Of course there are. Humans aren't irrational. Why would anyone commit suicide if there was literally no upside? If they're willing to do something so extreme, obviously there must be some advantage for some people.

Can you think of any other activity that humans participate in, with zero pros? No. Nobody's going to put their hand on a hot stove when they have nothing to gain. Even when people self-harm, harming themselves is providing some pro for them. To cope with emotional pain or frustration, to regain control over something.

There is a difference between assumed upsides and known upsides, where there is a direct causality between the action and the consequence. (in this case, the consequence is the upside)

A lot of people are doing dumb stuff assuming they will get a certain upside from it. To prove this point, I can give an example related to making money, where a lot of people get lured in and they believe, that they can get rich easily by some get rich quick scheme.

[at_anchor]

20 hours ago, zurew said:

There is a difference between assumed upsides and known upsides

What is the downside? It looks like Karma is becoming a new God fearing symbol that punishes the bad.

What if life is unbearable from chronic illiness caused by somethig and people problems?

If there even is such a thing as a self that suffers the consequences of suicide, wouldn't you have already paid the Karmic debt in this life to some extent?

Why not just go in circles until Earth grows to a high enough stage of spiral development and then you don't have to suffer as much anymore? 

Edited October 14, 2022 by at_anchor

[Yeah Yeah]

@RMQualtrough Hahahaha, his life was way away from any potential to heal

I'm personally sitting here wondering how good it must be to no longer exist, I am done, at this moment I would love it all to go away and I simply fade into the background until I no longer exist - For the most part I geniuinely hate life and I cringe at the obstacles I am forced to face