How would you react if your boyfriend did this to you?

[Tyler Robinson]

@LSD-Rumi I will need some time to be decisive. 

[integral]

@Tyler Robinson why has your perception of him changed? He’s exactly the same person he was when you met him.

[Tyler Robinson]

7 minutes ago, integral said:

@Tyler Robinson why has your perception of him changed? He’s exactly the same person he was when you met him.

Can you please elaborate? I didn't get you. 

What are you trying to ask? 

 

[integral]

19 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

Can you please elaborate? I didn't get you. 

What are you trying to ask? 

He’s the same person you fell in love with, so why does this incident change anything? 

Are you able to love and accept him and his flaws as is? Or has what has been revealed about him a dealbreaker? Is there a way for you guys to grow in the relationship together and work on it? What are your fears?

Edited October 4, 2022 by integral

[Tyler Robinson]

5 minutes ago, integral said:

He’s the same person you fell in love with, so why does this incident change anything? 

Are you able to love and accept him and his flaws as is? Or has what has been revealed about him a dealbreaker? Is there a way for you guys to grow in the relationship together and work on it? What are your fears?

My fear is that he doesn't trust me. And I can't do much to help it. 

[integral]

16 hours ago, Tyler Robinson said:

I'm in a state of emotional turmoil and a moral and emotional dilemma. And somewhat moral/emotional panic. 

The situation has left me harrowed and emotionally drained. Trying to process whatever happened. Lot of strife going on inside me in the moment. 

Part of me wants to dump him immediately out of sheer disappointment. 

Part of me feels like I should wait and not rush to a quick decision and give him time 

Another part of me feels like dumping him is merciless and uncompassionate when he is feeling like shit and was honest in admitting it. Almost like I would  be punishing  him by dumping. He is emotional over this and I should  care about him too, not just myself. I don't want to shock him. 

The situation is delicate. 

Is all of this happening because you don't like the perception he has of you? It seems like you almost want revenge, why?

12 hours ago, Tyler Robinson said:

My fear is that he doesn't trust me. And I can't do much to help it. 

Didnt you just proved yourself to him with this test with such a high score it gave him shame? 

Edited October 5, 2022 by integral

[Tyler Robinson]

2 hours ago, integral said:

Is all of this happening because you don't like the perception he has of you? It seems like you almost want revenge, why?

Didnt you just proved yourself to him with this test with such a higher score it gave him shame? 

Can you explain to me all of this again? I'm really not following your line of thinking. It's very confusing. 

 

[Clabber Girl]

This has trust issues written all over it...

[integral]

7 hours ago, Tyler Robinson said:

Can you explain to me all of this again? I'm really not following your line of thinking. It's very confusing. 

Why does it matters to you that he pulled this stunt? Isn’t it a game?

[integral]

Do you know who he is? Don’t you love him the way he is? If not do you need him to be different? If so why? What would you change about him?

[Tyler Robinson]

59 minutes ago, integral said:

Why does it matters to you that he pulled this stunt? Isn’t it a game?

Why does he need to do all that if he trusts me? 

And if he doesn't trust me, I would be incredibly hurt. 

Isn't that obvious that lack of trust hurts 

 

A deeply fulfilling relationship should have a strong base of trust. 

 

[integral]

@Tyler Robinson yes but we could also just let it go and not hold people to standards that they were never able to uphold from the beginning. Everyone is flawed and perfect. What matters now is whether you can accept his flaws as good enough for you and if you both can grow independently and together. You’ve reaching the burnout phase and Growth in a relationship is the antithesis of burn out. 

Edited October 5, 2022 by integral

[Tyler Robinson]

51 minutes ago, integral said:

@Tyler Robinson yes but we could also just let it go and not hold people to standards that they were never able to uphold from the beginning. Everyone is flawed and perfect. What matters now is whether you can accept his flaws as good enough for you and if you both can grow independently and together. You’ve reaching the burnout phase and Growth in a relationship is the antithesis of burn out. 

Ok I get you now. I'll contemplate on this. 

 

 

Edited October 5, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

1 hour ago, integral said:

@Tyler Robinson yes but we could also just let it go and not hold people to standards that they were never able to uphold from the beginning. Everyone is flawed and perfect. What matters now is whether you can accept his flaws as good enough for you and if you both can grow independently and together. You’ve reaching the burnout phase and Growth in a relationship is the antithesis of burn out. 

To err is human, to forgive is divine. 

I'm not trying to be a Saint in this relationship. But sometimes you need to let go for the other person to have room to grow. 

He loves me at the end of the day. This is the first time he made an error and hurt me. It happens. 

He also confessed to me about it and I admire his honesty and frankness about it. 

Now when someone shows remorse and confesses their wrong doings to you, you should be accepting and forgiving rather than punishing. What do you think of this? 

Punishing him would be like preying on his wrongs. 

For growth there should be margin for error and room for improvement. 

He made an error in judgement. He is not perfect. He is only human. He did what humans do. He was full of fear, jealousy and insecurity. 

Don't we all have such moments in life? 

Is it reasonable to punish someone for a moment of fear? He gave into his fears.. 

He confessed to me after all. If he thought I would dump him after hearing that, he wouldn't have confessed. That means he trusted me with his honesty and Vulnerability. It would be incredibly unfair for me to break his trust, disregard  his honesty/vulnerability in admittance, judge him and then punish him by dumping. 

It's like your partner came to you and confessed that they cheated on you but are willing to make amends and you still judged them and went ahead and broke up  with them. That's incredibly harsh and unforgiving. 

Where's my love in all of this? I should show him love when he wants to be honest and come clean. I should see the good in the bad.

He did wrong in not trusting me. That's the bad part. But the good part is that he was honest about it. I admire that. He did not hold back and let me know. 

He is already feeling like shit. He is frightened, anxious and nervous and absolutely vulnerable at this point. He feels like he will lose me over this or that I won't ever forgive him. It would be incredibly predatory of me to take advantage of his mistake. If one person does wrong, the other person should not feed on the wrong. 

He will feel like a total idiot if I dumped him now. 

I should have mercy for his emotional state. He didn't do it on purpose or Mal intent or bad spirit. It was a fuck up on his part. Good that he admitted to it. 

Imagine how embarrassing it is to admit your mistakes to someone and let yourself down in their eyes? It can/could feel like pure torture. It takes incredible bravery and honesty to do that. And then be punished for it would feel like terror. I don't want to kick him  when he is already feeling down. 

That's why I'm giving him space and room to understand what he did, realize how it hurt me, process everything emotionally and learn to trust me and give him a chance to get over his fears and insecurities. 

Obviously he is flawed. But why should I expect perfection anyway. 

 

If I dump him now, it will absolutely traumatize him. I don't want to devastate him like that. That would be very uncompassionate. 

Yes it was disrespectful and deceitful and very cheap to pull that kind of a stunt.

Not gonna lie, what he did hurt me a lot. But it's finally in my hands to forgive or not to forgive. I think I will choose to forgive. We are both in an emotionally panicky state. 

I'll let it go and give him space to understand his mistakes and let him heal his insecurities. He doesn't deserve to be treated so unfairly.  Just something he did out of jealousy and insecurity. He was testing me. But it blew up in his face and taught him a lesson. He is feeling very guilty and I should let lt slide and not add more to his guilt. 

If he really cares, he will wisen up and try better to maintain trust. If he gets cocky he might take advantage of my mercy/forgiveness and pull some other nonsense again thinking that he will always be forgiven and let go. Well it won't go down well if he keeps on with his shenanigans and at that point I'll serve him an ultimatum.

 

[Jannes]

On 4.10.2022 at 3:28 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

Some dude friend of his gave him this idea/technique to try on me and see if the experiment worked. 

Did he have the intention to test you and then his friend gave him the idea, or did he just express his fears to his friend and then his friend gave him the idea which resulted in the intentions afterwards?

At least he admitted it. He could have just kept it a secret and got away with it. Means he has at least a bit of honesty. I mean it’s hard to express your fear that someone might leave you because it makes you look super insecure and the other person like a slut and therefore probably increases the risk that something like this happens through law of attraction. 
 

Still it’s a red flag for sure. You should have the right to feel disappointed. He should feel that he overstepped a line and that he will loose you if he does it again or something similar. 

[Tyler Robinson]

10 minutes ago, Jannes said:

Did he have the intention to test you and then his friend gave him the idea, or did he just express his fears to his friend and then his friend gave him the idea which resulted in the intentions afterwards?

He expressed his fears. 

[mamad]

It is an obvious red flag but his honesty is the pivotal point of the story

If he didnt mention it himself and you found out by yourself then you must break up

he needs lots of inner work

Talk to him

Communication is the key

[Tyler Robinson]

5 minutes ago, mamad said:

It is an obvious red flag but his honesty is the pivotal point of the story

If he didnt mention it himself and you found out by yourself then you must break up

he needs lots of inner work

Talk to him

Communication is the key

Thanks. 

[Loving Radiance]

On 3.10.2022 at 11:12 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

Can you elaborate on this 

It starts with small things. I imagine there were already signs of his insecurity before this, but not so much noticeable.

If he is not conscious and aware of the insecurity (highly likely), then he won't do personal development and investigate and work on it. So, it will only continue, see the quote of "integral" down here. I'm very skeptical of this action having satisfied his insecurity. Insecurity needs a lot of proactive work.

On 4.10.2022 at 3:17 AM, integral said:

the real test is about to come if his insecurities lead to more damaging behaviour like false accusations or jumping to conclusions or trying to control your life. All this leads to abuse.

I sincerely hope that it is a one-time occurrence because a "friend" of him suggested it and he was persuaded to try.

On 4.10.2022 at 11:57 AM, LSD-Rumi said:

@Tyler Robinson Be decisive, you either dump him or give him a chance, but don't fall in the trap of endless confusion and doubt and not taking decision. 

Thank you ?

[Loving Radiance]

3 hours ago, mamad said:

It is an obvious red flag but his honesty is the pivotal point of the story

If he didnt mention it himself and you found out by yourself then you must break up

he needs lots of inner work

Talk to him

Communication is the key

Thank you ?