Firstly I understand that this post might seem a bit egotistical or even full of myself or braggartly. It’s not meant to be. In fact, I am feeling totally lost in life right now, where I am actually feeling what is the purpose of my existence and what is my reason to wake up. What I am looking for is some guidance and advice for my “existential crisis”. I have also tried to format and give all required info in the best possible way to give you the most clarity to see the whole picture.   Who am I? I’m now 32 yo, South Asian Male, which means OF COURSE I finished Comp Sci engineering, then I fell in love with Bodybuilding & Aesthetics at the age of 18. I was always a skinny shy ecto nerd (who also had venustraphobia for the longest amount of time in life) so the idea of muscle and a good physique at the age of 18 sounded amazing, which is where my journey into self development began. Great physique, amazing looks, envy and respect from men, and also attracted to women? (The last one doesn’t work btw, you have to work on your social skills for your looks to matter, but more on that later in this post).   Mental Health Background Issues I have self diagnosed : Low Self Esteem/Self Worth Lack of Sense of my own Value Do not understand how to love myself/Suffer from Lack of Self Love   I didn’t even know about Mental Health until the age of 28-29 or so. I didn’t even know I had Low Self Esteem and Low Self worth issues my entire life. The Low SE came from the way my mother raised me, my first girlfriend (narcisstic, abusive) and my culture and society in general. I also have a lack of sense of Internal Value. I don’t understand it when people say “everyone has value”. I have been raised in a culture where you are more worthy and have more value than others if you have a better job, more marks, better car/wealth, better body, more girls etc etc. The value thing has made me, AFAIK, always WORK towards feeling valuable in life. Like if I didn’t get any more marks than others, or if I got the same I was/am equally not valuable or definitely not any more valuable than others. This puts me in a perpetual state of unhappiness, and an infinite chase for it. Which leads to TREMENDOUS success, as I will elaborate below, but also a deep dark void of unhappiness since clearly my happiness is being pursued and does not ensue.   Enter Mushrooms. I lived the unhappiest of lives until 28-29. After which I got into studying about Psychedlics and how they help with healing, trauma and the like. My first powerful mushroom trip in 2019 or so was the one where I realized that I don’t actually love myself. It broke me. But it also made me vow to myself to love myself more than anyone else ever had, since most all love I have received in my life has been conditional, even from my mother (or at least the child in me perceived it that way). I love my parents and they love me, but it is what it is and this piece imho is very important to realize about my background and mental health and its consequential suffering. For 8-12 months or so after my mushroom trip I did EVERYTHING in life that I needed to be doing to feel like I love myself. Meaning even if I had to leave at the end of a 16 hour shift on less sleep to go to the grocery store to get a salad to fuel myself healthily, I did it. And this was repeated a multitude of times endlessly. I feel like somewhere along the line since then, this has stopped. I don’t really know why or how. And I am trying to re understand it and pursue it again right now.   Accomplishing EVERYTHING in 3 years, with picture proof. 1.       I went in full steam ahead into my bodybuilding pursuit and made a body transformation that most IFBB pros would be envious of. Dream body, done. https://imgur.com/a/Hc9OomI 2.       I then pursued Pick Up & Game to get over my lifelong crippling fear of beautiful women. Multiple coaches, bootcamps, and over a 1000+ girls approached, and feeling like I have accomplished everything I needed to, to be happy with my life in and around women. Women, done. https://imgur.com/a/xD7RvMR 3.       I then pursued the game of money, which I kind of hoped would have kept me interested in it forever, but as soon as I crushed a couple of 10k months (which is nothing compared to my business mastermind peers, but MIND BOGGLING compared to my starting salary of $1500 per month for 180 hour work weeks.). I proved to myself I can make money and I also have NO expensive tastes whatsoever. I made 70k ish in the last 1.5 years and I have spent like 60k on it on myself and reinvestments, coaches, masterminds etc. I have spent less than 10k on myself and splurges (got a 3090TI and a PS5 and they both just collect dust lol. I am at least happy the 18yo within me is happy just looking at them on my desk.) I know there is a lot more to the world then muscle, women and money but these are the BASIC 3 needs for every young man right now, and I have gone beyond what 99% of people in the world can or would ever require to accomplish. There is no point in getting even more. I mean to what end, and why? (Btw for the nature of this discussion let’s just assume I have won the lottery and I will never need to worry about money again, even for a rainy day fund, let’s keep it out of “work more for more money for what if’s”, since that’s not a DRIVING reason to wake up in the morning and get out of bed) https://imgur.com/a/BgVEZeC   This image here is also something I have found interesting. Which of these is the point of life? And why? https://imgur.com/a/6FepT2o   1.       Self Interest and Pursuit of Pleasure/Hedonism But how many burgers on yachts with multiple girls blowing you can you possibly have? This will obviously never end, and it feels good in the moment, but empty immediately afterwards. No sense of peace and contentment.   2.       Selflessness So this is ACTUALLY something I enjoy. I have been documenting my entire life transformation and journey on my Youtube channel ( https://youtube.com/c/IntellectualMuscle ) I basically made my Youtube channel what 18yo me would have wanted. “A big brother with tough love you didn’t even know you needed.” I help young (& old actually) men that feel lost in life and want to get to these accomplishments and states in life, in the EASIEST fastest safest possible manner. It took me FOREVER and multiple 10,000s of $ to get there. I make it ridiculously simple and easy for my boys to get there.   The question with selflessness. Is how selfless? And why? Like I spend so much time and so much of my earnings on my Youtube and IG (~1500 USD per month) and I barely get any traction from it, like 200-300 views tops. So do people even care to learn?   Also. What if I just stopped what I do? Or hypothetically I had never even born or die off? Sure some people would be sad that they thought my content and help was amazing. But in 3 months I will be forgotten, and someone else would and is already making the same kind of content to help other guys in need. ALSO at our base and core we are SELFISH beings as humans. So it just doesn’t permanently sit with me to be completely selfless and live for others. Like why? Most of my life most people have just taken from me and never given me anything in return. So why would I wish to be selfless to the world that has taken so much from me and never cared for me?   So this isn’t like a clear driving mission or purpose for me to wake up and do it either. I mean I do like it, but not to the extent like this is the sole life purpose. I feel like I have sacrificed myself more than enough for the sake of others and don’t feel like I am receiving ROI on it in equal measures.   3.       Self Actualization I understand that this is being the best version of myself. And I have done that already in many different fields as shown above. ALL the ones that mattered to me. Muscle, Women, Money. Now can I get MORE. Of course. But also again. Why? I already have more than what is required to live quite the comfortable life. So WHY be the MOST muscular, or have ALL the skills to get all the girls, or have all the skills to get ALL the money in the world??   Where I feel others don’t suffer the same Existentialism Quite simple I feel, because they CREATE their own reason for existence Viz. Children. Most people have kids and no matter what you feel like or not, you WILL do everything in life even if you don’t want to do it for your kids. This includes making money, being healthy, more toys etc. OR most people do not get out of the chase of the rat race and grind trying to make ends meet, so there is always their reason “to make rent for next month.”   MY Ideas on Future Goals for Myself Please read this part AFTER you have written or decided on what you think might be some food for thought for me, since I don’t want to taint your ideas and opinions with my own future ones. My understanding atm is I now want and NEED to pursue some form of Spirituality and Inner Peace and Calm. I am ALWAYS chasing happiness and a reason to love myself, via external validation and accomplishments (since that’s how I have been raised), I need to figure out where and how to generate/find this in and within myself now to begin with. I don’t know which mediation teacher or method to pursue. I have LOVED Alan Watts’ stuff and I will find it once again and hopefully get some guidance there. I have LOVED HealthygamerGG’s stuff and hopefully will get some more clarity via listening to his work. I am currently re-reading for the 3rd time Vikto Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning and also Learn to Love yourself by Kamal Ravikant. Any other books/podcasts/reading or any suggestions with how to decide what to pursue in life would be very appreciated, thank you!   Thanks again for reading all the way till here if you did, I appreciate your time and if you have any words of wisdom, those as well!