8 Types of Relationships

[integral]

1. Non-love is present if there is no mutual experience of intimacy, passion, or dependence between two individuals. However, sometimes people keep meeting at school, work, social groups, or in other environments for some time without feeling any particular attraction before noticing each other as potential mates, and one or more sides of the love triangle may start to evolve and align between them. Hence “nonlove” may grow into other forms of love over time if two people engage in fun or meaningful activities together on a regular basis, and if their first impression of each other is neutral or at least not negative.363

2. Friendship develops when two people share intimacy through an intellectual, interest-based, or spiritual resonance in kind and degree through their lower left quadrants. The quality and depth of their friendship are determined by the alignment of their respective interior lines(cognitive, communicative, worldviews, values, moral, spiritual, etc.), as well as shared interests and hobbies. Friendship is often the pre-requisite for a woman to enter into a sexual relationship, while men tend to be more driven by their physical/sexual attraction in the right-hand quadrants that may (or may not) lead to friendship after sex. Vulnerability, truthfulness,364 and honesty are vital factors for the development of mature friendships through intimacy, since integrity is the main ingredient for building trust.365

3. Infatuation 366 is experienced when a passionate physical attraction—triggered through the fulfillment of a man’s or woman’s Primary Fantasy in the right-hand quadrants—is the sole factor that draws an individual to a member of the opposite sex, and his or her body secretes the “falling in love” hormones that we discussed in Chapter 5. For males, a seductive sexual female image (a suitable sex object) is usually enough to experience passion and to get infatuated. For most females, a combination of power, social status, wealth, wit, humor, and intelligence (since women want success objects), combined with physical attractiveness and kindness towards her and dominant aggressive behavior towards others(protection) are the prerequisites to get infatuated. Unlike the left intimacy side of the triangle, which requires a mutual resonance between two people to develop into a friendship, infatuation can be a one-way street. It can be quite painful if the passionate sexual longings of one person are not met by an equal amount of fervor from the object of their desire. In any case, met or unmet infatuation may lead to sexual addiction, destructive behavior, emotional havoc, social isolation, depression, and financial ruin. Increasing sexiness of individuals leads to deeper feelings of infatuation for the people who fall for them; for example, men losing their heads over much younger, curvaceous, or otherwise attractive women (e.g., poor Goethe at age 73 agonizing over Ulrike von Levetzow, age 18), or women over powerful males, (e.g., Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton). Similar to the propensity of certain people to become alcohol or drug addicts while others don’t, some people get infatuated more frequently while others never experience this form of love.

4. Commitment between partners arises through various forms of dependence that result from a mutually compatible unconscious fit between the partners. The energetic push/pull always appears to be mysterious to the lovers that are negatively afflicted or positively graced by it,367 but nevertheless, it can be understood with effort. There are two underlying dynamics for the appearance of dependence that are often confused. One originates from pathological (unhealthy) split offs, negations, repressions, or dissociations that create a sense of lack, neediness, and deficiency (see submerged unconscious shadows and anima/animus complex above) that the lovers project onto each other. The second results from a sense of fullness, abundance, or wholeness—along with the desire to share one’s blessings, to complement, balance, harmonize, synergize, expand, grow, and to be understood in a partnership(see ground, embedded, and emergent unconscious). Elizabeth Gilbert’s grandfather said, “sometimes life is too hard to be single, and sometimes life is too good not to be shared,” which nicely illustrates the two motives that lead to commitment between two people. Since both dynamics tend to be unconscious and vary in kind and degree for different domains and phases of life (money, sexuality, time, work, family, spirituality, worldviews, feminine, masculine, etc.), neither partner can know for certain which parts of their hidden self cause the unconscious attraction, and which of the five general facets of dependence that are outlined below may be the result:

A ) Codependent relationships develop between individuals with severe pathologies (usually from childhood trauma) and other forms of psychosis 368 that typically require treatment from a professional therapist to be healed.369 These lovers are often fused (along with the accompanying separation anxiety and jealousy attacks), or engage in endless “seduce and withhold” games.

B) Milder forms of shadow and neurosis 370 may create a sense of closeness or bond between dependent couples. Conflicts in these love relationships are often ignored, attributed to the differences between men (are from Mars) and women (are from Venus), accepted as the inevitable reality of any partnership, or—at best—dealt with and accepted through empathetic dialog and compromise that may be supported by self-help books, workshops, or a marriage and family therapist.

C) Women who reach a certain level of emotional and financial freedom enter the stage of independence and often leave their partners unilaterally (or cause them to leave) to live alone and to claim their full authority (animus stage four). This forces an ever increasing number of men to find new meaning and purpose in their life, independent of a female partner. Some people—especially women in the New Age and feminist movements, but also pathologically agentic men—see the pursuit of independence as the highest level of any personal and spiritual development, as they strive to be autonomous, whole, complete, and self-fulfilled without a partner. Any desire to be in a healthy love relationship that may arise in them or others is seen as a weakness and regression towards “un-evolved” dependent or codependent partnerships that they have just escaped. This motivates individuals who are stuck at this level to move ever further towards pathological agentic ascending, or descending, instead of recognizing independence as a healthy and necessary (but ultimately transitory) pre-requisite to enter the next stage of human relating: interdependence.

D) Individuals in the interdependent stage realize that nobody exists independent of others,371 and that a balanced and harmonized personality development at all levels of our being (body, mind, heart, and soul) always occurs by integrating the healthy aspects of the feminine/masculine polarities in their interior and exterior quadrants in self-other relationships.372 For them, sharing material resources by living together, cherishing differing views that stem from a shared level of consciousness, practicing sacred sexuality, doing shadow work,373 being of service to others, and the desire to awaken to their true purpose, take center stage. Unlike individuals in the independent stage who pretend to be whole and complete—and hence avoid partnerships that would challenge their ego (false separate sense of self)—interdependent couples cherish their differences as the by-product of their “pretension to completeness”374 and welcome opposing views as a vehicle for their deepest healing, learning, personal growth, spiritual realization, and service to others.375

E) Singles and couples who have advanced into transpersonal stages of consciousness and deeper levels of spiritual realizations may still experience a devotional yearning towards their “divine other,” but feel no more emotional or sexual neediness. They are at peace and grounded in their essential “Being” and are neither desperate for, nor avoid a partnership. If in a love relationship with an opposite and equal, they experience what we may call “Inter-Being” in which each partner just is, without any need to change the other, to accommodate, or to be accommodated. Neither of them lusts for anybody else, nor do they fear to be consumed or abandoned, which opens up the possibility for mature monogamy 376 and unconditional Love that is by definition devoid of any need or fear.377

5. Romantic love develops between partners who share intimacy and sexual passion, but don’t experience a deeper commitment through a mutually compatible unconscious fit. This is the kind of love that most women desire and is romanticized in countless movies, novels, and love songs. These women dream of a supportive, wealthy, powerful, and generous partner with similar interests, values, and lifestyle choices as their own, who shares their passionate sexual attraction (chemistry), but does not challenge them to heal, grow, and awaken to a deeper realization.378In other words, they want someone with “no baggage” who loves, cherishes, and accepts them for who they are, with all their emotional wounds, dysfunctions, and ignorance of their ego. This kind of love is called romantic as it seeks to avoid all unpleasant aspects, work, and challenges that inevitably arise in any long-term partnership, instead of welcoming conflict as an opportunity for healing, growth, and awakening. Once the hormones that created the passion for one or both partners wear off—which usually takes between 3 and 24 months—romantic lover relationships either deteriorate into friendships if there was a sufficient level of shared interests and intimacy, or break up altogether when unconscious facets of the self creep up from the bottom of the triangle and neither partner wants to—or knows how to—deal with them in an effective way (typically through appropriate therapy and/or a spiritual practice).

6. Crazy love (also called mania) develops when two people share passion through a strong sexual attraction and dependence through a pathological mutually compatible unconscious fit, but have no friendship that is rooted in shared values, lifestyle choices, interests, and worldviews. This kind of love is largely driven by elevated levels of testosterone, dopamine, and norepinephrine, and lowered levels of serotonin,379 and can afflict people from all walks of life. These love relationships are characterized by an addictive emotional and sexual (co)dependence that is not mediated by much (or any) rational consideration. It is called “crazy love” because the afflicted lovers are initially “crazy about each other” and any uninvolved bystander finds the soon-to-follow drama that often involves emotional and physical abuse to be crazy.380 Crazy love relationships are still positive, as they force the individuals who repeatedly engage in them to eventually grow to higher levels of consciousness through their painful fights and devastating breakups. This may lead them to engage in healthier romantic and eventually integral love relationships.

7. Companionate love develops if a couple shares intimacy and commitment, but experiences no (more) sexual passion. This kind of love is often seen between conventional (amber/orange) and older couples. They may have gotten together because of religious or cultural convention sand pressures (such as arranged marriages), or to conceive and raise children in a family environment (conformist stage), or they saw the benefits of marriage for their social status, careers, and material success (rational stage). Companionate love may arise out of an initial friendship, but rarely out of romantic or crazy love. Couples who experience companionate love may advance towards an integrally informed love relationship if they address the issues that prevent them from having a passionate sex life, by overcoming physical problems through exercise, partner yoga, healthy eating, or medication, and through the removal of emotional blocks with the help of self-help books,381 a sex therapist, intimacy workshops, and tantric practices.382

8. Integral love develops when a couple experiences healthy intimacy, passion, AND dependence, and integrates them in a balanced and harmonized way. Partners who share this kind of love either feel incredibly blessed and lucky that they found each other—often without actually knowing why their relationship is so satisfying—or have reached later/higher stages of development (second-tier consciousness, anima/animus complex stage five, transcendental sexuality, and spirituality beyond the psychic level) that allow them to consciously co-create an integrally informed love relationship between opposites and equals.

Edited September 27, 2022 by integral

[Arthogaan]

What is the source of this?

[integral]

2 hours ago, Arthogaan said:

What is the source of this?

Book integral relationships 

[integral]

So what kind of relationships do you guys tend to fall into? 

[King Merk]

Fascinating model.

After 10 years of active dating & relationships I find myself in the 4D commitment - interdependent stage.

I can defintely see the evolution over this time from one relationship into the next.

I cringe sometimes thinking back to the codependent relationships I participated in but they were necessary for me to be in the beautiful relationship I find myself in now.