Are Humans Naturally Monogomous?

[Consept]

Im reading a book at the moment called Sex At Dawn, which is about eveloutionary biology and looks into why we form the sexual relationships we do. (check it out if you get a chance) 

I havent finished it yet but a main theme explored is whether humans do pair bond for life, its universally accepted that we do. There was some interesting research into why this might not be true, ill just summerise a few points here - 

• Out of all the primates only one other, the gibbon, mates for life, these are tree dwelling primates with tails and evolutionarily speaking are very far away from us 
• Bonobos are the closest to us and apart from us are the only primate to have sex for pleasure (when the female is not ovulating) they mate freely with others in their tribe and all share parental responsibility even though there maybe no parental link. Females are also often head of their tribes 
• In every human civilization ever studied there has always been sex outside of marriage (or marriage equivalent). Even when there has been the threat of death or harsh punishment, the argument being that if it was our natural state of being would such harsh punishments be necessary? 
• Most untouched human tribes when researched by anthropologists reported quite open attitudes to sex. There were some tribes where no one actually knew their fathers identity and every male took a parental interest in the children. Some tribes had celebrations where the married females could choose someone else to mate with. Some of these still happen today in untouched tribes. Point being when left in nature humans dont tend to form strict monogomous pairings, although there may be a main partner there will also be others.

Anyway just some points to think, its also interesting to bring up that the idea of 'romanticism' only really came about in western society in the 1800s and was brought about by literature. Before that marriages were mainly arranged and dependent on class and sharing of resources. 

So what do you think are we naturallu monogomous? Me personally as much as like the idea of freedom and at the moment i do try to practice that, there is something in me that feels like eventually a monogomous relationship is the natural end point, have i just been indoctrinated into this way of thinking by living in a western country Britain since birth? 

[Orange]

I think in literature you will find arguments for both. You found a book that argues against monogamy and i bet I can find you a book that argues for it. It is possible that you have been influenced by culture, I know I am. But this is where self inquiry comes in. What will a monogamous relationship bring me that a polyamorous one cannot? Or the other way around. These answers will be different for everyone, and they are also subject to change because your needs change over time. It's all about finding the right situation for yourself in that moment in time. 

As a side note, romanticism is a big illusion, but it has value on a certain level too. I cannot think of how yet, but I'm pretty sure it does..It sounds better than arranged mariages anyway  

Edited February 17, 2017 by Orange

[Nahm]

It is your perception that defines it. Choose your preference. There is no wrong or right. 

[Loreena]

In my opinion, men are polygamous. I don't know much about women since they are heavily conditioned by society. but men are naturally drawn towards women they consider attractive in a sexual manner. It is civilization, not religion as such, that has brought us to a time where monogamy is considered the social norm. The need to breed is instinctive and cannot be suppressed. A male's natural tendency is to sleep with various women. There are also more women than men in the world, which is probably something evolutionary. Before Christianity, polygamy was the norm for the world. So all in all, I'd say that man is more naturally inclined to polygamy, and its the Christian moral system that convinced the majority of people in the world that it is not right or natural.  Man is not monogamous,  there is just too much human behavior that suggests the contrary. The same applies to "celibate" and we have a lot of evidence to support that also. Monogamy is a social and religious constraint on natural behavior that is designed to support the raising of children, and that is all. If monogamy were a natural state we would not have to have all sorts of laws that support it, people would just be monogamous because it was natural to them.

[electroBeam]

5 hours ago, Loreena said:

In my opinion, men are polygamous. I don't know much about women since they are heavily conditioned by society. but men are naturally drawn towards women they consider attractive in a sexual manner. It is civilization, not religion as such, that has brought us to a time where monogamy is considered the social norm. The need to breed is instinctive and cannot be suppressed. A male's natural tendency is to sleep with various women. There are also more women than men in the world, which is probably something evolutionary. Before Christianity, polygamy was the norm for the world. So all in all, I'd say that man is more naturally inclined to polygamy, and its the Christian moral system that convinced the majority of people in the world that it is not right or natural.  Man is not monogamous,  there is just too much human behavior that suggests the contrary. The same applies to "celibate" and we have a lot of evidence to support that also. Monogamy is a social and religious constraint on natural behavior that is designed to support the raising of children, and that is all. If monogamy were a natural state we would not have to have all sorts of laws that support it, people would just be monogamous because it was natural to them.

women(maybe) and men are polygamous, until a child is born. If men were naturally polygamous even after a child was born, due to the women not getting enough support, the child wouldn't last very long, hence his genetics wouldn't last that long.

People are both polygamous and monogamous by nature. We tend to be polygamous during our youth, but there is a natural tendency to care and look after 1 person  after a long term relationship has been established. Men and probably women, both tend to have in their mind who is short term material, and who is long term material. And I don't know any evidence that suggests that men are polygamous about the ones they choose to be committed to, even if they do have 1 or 2 sexual encounters during marriage, they are definitely set on 1 person. 

[Emerald]

We are designed to be monogamous in the early stages of child rearing. Human babies are born "three months premature" due to the rapid brain growth needed for human intellectual functioning. So, child labor is very taxing on a woman as the child's head is very large. And the first three months are a time of recovery for her and extra protection for the newborn who is helpless due to the brain growth that has not happen due to the "premature birth". If a baby were born with the mental faculties that come three months after the birthing process takes place, the mother could not physically birth the child and survive. So, especially in the initial stages, fathers have a very important role of protecting and providing for the vulnerable mother and child, who can't (in nomadic times) make it on their own. Mothers would not be able to provide food and care for the newborn child, at the same time. Then, there are neuro-chemicals designed to keep a couple together for the first three years of the relationship (long enough to raise a child to a certain point of independence). 

Now, there has been the practice of powerful and wealthy men having multiple wives and thus multiple children. The idea is basically the same, as he provides the sustenance and shelter for the women carrying his children and thus his genes forward. Though, in this situation, the women and children tend to be treated more like acquisitions and property. So, if this is the reason for his marriages and children, it doesn't really provide the depth and care as is provided in the family model with the monogamous father. But the biology behind it makes sense. 

After the point that we get past the first three years after a child is born, we are more polyamorous in nature. But many people choose to remain monogamous to deepen their relationships with their partners. But there is also a natural urge for man and woman alike to switch up partners to add variety to the gene pool, which strengthens our species through creating more variety. 

But ultimately, there is nothing that's unnatural. If it's happening, it's natural. 

[Consept]

On 19/02/2017 at 0:03 AM, Emerald Wilkins said:

We are designed to be monogamous in the early stages of child rearing. Human babies are born "three months premature" due to the rapid brain growth needed for human intellectual functioning. So, child labor is very taxing on a woman as the child's head is very large. And the first three months are a time of recovery for her and extra protection for the newborn who is helpless due to the brain growth that has not happen due to the "premature birth". If a baby were born with the mental faculties that come three months after the birthing process takes place, the mother could not physically birth the child and survive. So, especially in the initial stages, fathers have a very important role of protecting and providing for the vulnerable mother and child, who can't (in nomadic times) make it on their own. Mothers would not be able to provide food and care for the newborn child, at the same time. Then, there are neuro-chemicals designed to keep a couple together for the first three years of the relationship (long enough to raise a child to a certain point of independence). 

Hey @Emerald Wilkins. Thanks for the reply and some good points, just wanted to throw something in there. Its likely in nomadic times that humans would be part of tribes and you can see that now in certain untouched tribes in some countries. So the male of a couple wouldnt neccesarily have to be there to protect the mother and child because there would be other members of the tribe there to help, a lot of the times the older women would help out. But i think youre right in that there are neuro-chemicals that keep the father around.

Its a relatively new development that humans just have their family as in mother, father, child(ren), we have actuallu become more isolated from each other despite the growing population. 

 

[electroBeam]

@Consept Don't forget, it takes billions of years for dna to change to a point that a certain characteristic disappears from existence. I.e. a characteristic like polygamous or monogamous tendencies. Tribes didn't happen that long ago when you look at the evolutionary scale of humans. What did happen long ago, and for a very long time, was cave men not in tribes at all. 

[jse]

On 19/02/2017 at 1:01 AM, Nahm said:

It is your perception that defines it. Choose your preference. There is no wrong or right. 

Yeah, @Nahm , try telling that  to your wife...

Edited February 21, 2017 by jse

[jse]

21 hours ago, electroBeam said:

...it takes billions of years for dna to change to a point that a certain characteristic disappears from existence.

@electroBeam , since life on Earth only begun 3 billion years ago, at that rate we'd be lucky if evolution would have just turned us into amoebae.  DNA change in humans is measurable in a two-digit number of generations, not to mention that our feelings and lifestyle also have an impact on the evolution of our personal genetic makeup.

Edited February 21, 2017 by jse

[Consept]

Without using social and cultural conditionings, are there any arguments in favour of humans being naturally monogomous? 

[jse]

On 16/02/2017 at 6:32 PM, Consept said:

Are Humans Naturally Monogomous?

I can't speak for humankind in general, but from my perspective it makes sense to "invest" one's life into a single good partnership.  Spreading oneself thin through multiple partners, is likely to result in temporary relationships without much growth or depth, and makes it unlikely that we'd learn anything significant from these shallow experiences.

[Guest Annetta]

Don't know much about this in great detail, but I've read that a lot of a person's preferences are influenced by how they were raised - their attachment style, and hormone levels - specifically testosterone.  Pertaining to monogamy/polyamory/polygamy.

 

[Everlast]

This is something I've been pondering as well at this point in my personal development. I'm happily married to a wonderful woman, but I still have what I suppose are "natural" sexual urges or lust toward other women. Not to label it as right or wrong, but I'm wondering if it would be helpful not to "feed" those urges (ie: not get into those fantasies as much, or to avoid pornography, etc) in order to release those distractions... or is that something that is normal and healthy. Thoughts from anyone here? I'm at a point where I'd like to be living a life as free from "internal" conflict as possible.

[Consept]

@Everlast i would say your internal conflict would be from denying and avoiding as you say normal feelings. If you supress them i think its more likely to either cause you ongoing internal conflict or worst case lead you to act them out. 

If we're speaking evolutionarily i would say there are compelling arguments to say we're probably not naturally monogomous, but that isnt to say that you cant be i think its just important to realise where these urges come from and that youre not wrong for having them. As long its not fear driving you to be in a relationship and youre doing it from a real, authentic place then i dont see any problem with your situation 

[NormL_is_boring]

On 2/16/2017 at 11:10 PM, Orange said:

It's all about finding the right situation for yourself in that moment in time. 

I agree 100%.

On 2/21/2017 at 1:29 PM, Consept said:

Without using social and cultural conditionings

Those things hold on for generations and generations and getting people to let that go is sometimes impossible. Because of this being outside the "norm" such as with polyamory and non-monogamy. IMO who I am sleeping with and living my life with is no one else's business besides me and those directly involved and affected by it. That is not society as a whole and we should not judge others for the way they live their life but yet it happens.