Why Some People Are Shy?

[SQAAD]

I am trying to understand why some people are shy and others not. What is the fundamental reason/reasons. Can someone give me a good explanation?

[Ulax]

To my understanding, its because people unconsciously adopt shy behaviours as part of their coping strategy. A coping strategy being a strategy one unconsciously believes will best meet their needs. Where as because of different life experiences and maybe genetics non-shy folk do not have the unconscious assumption that their needs will be met best via shy behaviours.

[Jodistrict]

You learn to be shy.  It is a type of learning.  You had traumatic experiences when you were a child and your mind decided that avoidance is the best strategy for survival.   If you accept this model, there is possibility for change.  You can learn social skills and intentionally expose yourself to social situations that your mind is screaming at you to avoid.  You can unlearn the behavior and learn better strategies to survive in an adult world.

[Osaid]

They are scared of conflict. They lack enough self-love to put themselves out there. By being "shy" they never have to risk doing things that might make them look "stupid" or "weird", which will massively affect their self-esteem and self-love. By being reserved, they never have to enter situations which might make them hate themselves or feel bad about themselves. It's a cop-out which basically brings the risks that come with social situations down to 0%, but obviously it is unsustainable in the long run as social dynamics are unavoidable.

Notice that everyone is "shy" to some degree. "Shy" is just a boundary you created which keeps your self-esteem safe. Some people have a very fragile sense of self-esteem and self-love, and so it ends up being much more noticeable, and then you deem them as a "shy person" because of how obvious it is. They are shy because they are avoiding something that they are resisting, something that will massively impact their self-esteem, and some people tie their self-worth into social situations so deeply that they would rather just avoid it at all costs.

[ZzzleepingBear]

5 hours ago, SQAAD said:

I am trying to understand why some people are shy and others not. What is the fundamental reason/reasons. Can someone give me a good explanation?

The fundamental reason is that human interaction has a spectrum of emotions, and various reasons to put those emotions into action or not. If you have no shyness in you, you should for example be perfectly fine to be naked infront of any human. 

[Yarco]

I think there's some degree that things like introversion, shyness, avoidant personality, etc are baked into your DNA. But for the most part I see it as epigenetics that then need to get activated by environmental factors.

For me, I remember being extroverted as a kid. I finished my work early in class and I'd naturally be bored and try to chat with my classmates. But obviously that gets you in trouble. Teacher yells at your for talking. Report card says you talk in class, when your parents get it, they yell at you not to talk in class. No one bothers to question WHY you were talking in class (because you're above-average/excelling / able to finish your work in half the time as everyone else) -- and maybe bump you up, give you extra challenge, etc. So naturally I learned that talking is a risky activity that usually ends up getting me in trouble. The safer thing to do is be quiet and just avoid problems. I spent like 30 minutes every period just sitting, staring down at my paper, waiting. It got to the point around 10 - 12 years old that when one of my dad's coworkers met me for the first time, he literally thought I was mute or autistic or something because he didn't hear me say a single thing for like 2 hours while around him.

I would venture to guess that most people who identify as shy or introverts had a similar experience, whether they can remember the memory or not. Whether it's an authority figure telling them to shut up, that their ideas are stupid or not worth sharing, or similar. One little off-hand comment is enough to traumatize a kid and snuff that childlike attitude to life out forever. All it takes is rejection at a few key moments when you tried to speak up and authentically express yourself.

Edited September 25, 2022 by Yarco

[Emrie]

Basically yeah. When I was growing up, at school, everybody made fun of me, bullied me. I had no friends and there were even people who would spend the majority of their time mimicking me and making me look stupid. Then, at home, my siblings wouldn't comfort me or help me but instead say that it's my fault they're bullying me because I'm giving them reasons to. I went to several different schools and always ended like that.

Now as an adult, I'm scared. Obviously I'm not scared that I'll get bullied, I'm just scared the interaction will go badly and people won't like me.

[LSD-Rumi]

@SQAAD It is survival mechanism. Cowardness ( shyness) puts in place.You are always nice to people, so people don't hurt you. It is a neat survival mechanism, looooool. 

[StarStruck]

Shyness is linked to the emotion of shame. It is NOT being able to express oneself because of (perceived) fear or guilt of something or somebody. If you want to eliminate shyness eliminate the underlying fear or guilt.

Edited September 27, 2022 by StarStruck

[Clabber Girl]

All the shy people I know have harbored lots of shame since childhood. The shame may come from trauma or genetics I don't know but that seems to be an underlying theme. 

[Biscuit]

I'm a shy person, why?, it's the way I am, I consider my self to be an introvert, there are times when I feel open and want to express like now, you asked for a reason, I think they above comment are true shy people development they shyness as survival strategy, yet at the same time it's a terrible strategy to go about life, my told me I was this way since birth, I hope that answers your question.

[Ethan1]

Pissed my blue jeans in 1st grade on accident. Everyone laughed. Cried and made fun of. Got shamed by the whole class. Ostracized. Held back and swapped to a different school multiple times in formative years. Called on the intercom to leave the room. Then being labeled quiet by peers on group class assignments. That should do it. Plus, many many many layers of invalidation. Then being told to be quiet frequently by teachers. 

I mean, suggestion is pretty powerful. Telling someone that they are something creates that self-belief. 

I've been called shy. Personally, I wasn't born that way. I don't believe that is my "I am".

Edited October 6, 2022 by Ethan1