Extra expenses of first day

[StarStruck]

So I took this girl out for a coffee date. I know her from the local gym. I just wanted to get to know her and coffee is perfect for the first time.

So we are sitting in the restaurant and after having finished the coffee she wants alcoholic drinks. I only wanted to pay for coffee and now she wants alcoholic drinks too? I didn’t know how to deal with this situation. I just succumbed to her wishes but I’m not happy with it because I’m paying. How could I have dealt with it? I’m asking for the next time. It is not about being cheap or small price I paid. It is about my boundaries and feelings. 

I didn’t pull her although logistics were perfect. She had a businesss meeting and I was kind of bumped because I couldn’t establish my boundaries. It is difficult for me to hide my feelings. 

[Federico del pueblo]

4 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

So we are sitting in the restaurant and after having finished the coffee she wants alcoholic drinks. I only wanted to pay for coffee and now she wants alcoholic drinks too? I didn’t know how to deal with this situation. I just succumbed to her wishes but I’m not happy with it because I’m paying. How could I have dealt with it?

You could have said:

"Fine, we can drink more. I invite you for the coffee, if you want more drinks then you'd have to pay for them yourself, just so there's no confusion later on ;)"

[StarStruck]

1 hour ago, Federico del pueblo said:

You could have said:

"Fine, we can drink more. I invite you for the coffee, if you want more drinks then you'd have to pay for them yourself, just so there's no confusion later on ;)"

that sounds super effective but I don’t feel comfortable to be that blunt 

[Federico del pueblo]

12 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

that sounds super effective but I don’t feel comfortable to be that blunt 

The misunderstanding here is that this is blunt. It's actually not blunt to inform someone that you won't pay for all/many drinks, but "only" for one.

Imagine if you and I randomly got to know each other at a social activity and then I'd invite you for a coffee, simply because I wanted to.

Would you then be mad if I told you that if you want more drinks after the coffee you'd have to pay for them yourself? 

Probably not, you might even offer to pay the next round of drinks.

You don't say this to a girl in a challenging/sort of serious/butthurt or insecure way, you totally no big deal it.

Don't be afraid how she perceives you, nobody should expect you to pay several drinks for them and if she does she might just want to exploit you or simply has taken on certain societal beliefs about men being the ones who pay. In either case you don't need that girl and you don't have to feel bad about her having a negative perception of you.

Doing things that are uncomfortable (but aligned with your values) is part of your maturing process, so it's good for you to do them.

[StarStruck]

@Federico del pueblo  I'm a nice guy and I have to change that. I've been treated like shit by my last date: and she was a nice girl too; she just ignored me after the date while I was super nice, polite, gentlemen and paid for every thing. At least have some decency to answer my text. I'm really fed up with being nice. This date (subject of this post) is with another girl and I'm starting to change. I will have my demands too and if she doesn't meet them we will go Dutch which is 50%/50% of the expenses or I will tell her what you typed here. It is really true: people treat you like you allow them to treat you.

Edited September 23, 2022 by StarStruck

[Federico del pueblo]

@StarStruck good to see that you're becoming more aware of these things and are changing ??

You'll be surprised how well women will treat you when you've gotten good at asserting your boundaries and at speaking your truth.

[StarStruck]

30 minutes ago, Federico del pueblo said:

@StarStruck good to see that you're becoming more aware of these things and are changing ??

You'll be surprised how well women will treat you when you've gotten good at asserting your boundaries and at speaking your truth.

It discovered it has all to do with self image. In the past, like last year, I would be happy if a girl would go on a date with me. This year it has gotten much more easier to get girls on a date so I'm starting to get more pickier and not accept bullshit. They have to at least respect me. My last date, which was the nicest girl ever, just flat out ignored me after the date, which was a painful lesson. If even the nicest girl treats me as shit that tells me something. My current date doesn't ignore me but I'm also not happy about how assertive she was.

[universe]

Logistics were perfect / She had a business meeting planned

She has a business meeting / Drinks alcohol

 

Not sure what you told her but "I invite you for coffee/lets have a coffee" is pretty unambiguous.

She might wanted to drink something to let loose.

If you don't want that simply tell her "Not now, I've still got work to do/plans" or "Not now, we can have drinks later at my place/somewhere else".

[StarStruck]

@universe with business meeting I meant just dinner with her colleagues 

[Leo Gura]

Realistically bro, just stop being cheap and buy her the drink.

If you wanna be cheap then tell her you'll be splitting the bill.

Both ways will work, but way #1 is classier. Especially if you sense that you'll see her again.

Being too cheap is not a good look for a high-value man.

You can try something a bit sneaky like: "I'm paying for drinks so you're giving me a back massage later." To get her more invested.

Edited September 24, 2022 by Leo Gura

[StarStruck]

@KH2 In the original post I 'v already told you that it is not the money. I have problems with setting boundaries and I felt like my boundary was crossed and that I was taken advantage of. Looking back at it, it was not the case. On this forum I just wanted to get a heads up how other people deal with such situations. About the girl: I like her but I'm not blown away.

@Leo Gura I see your point

[Arcangelo]

On 9/24/2022 at 1:22 AM, Leo Gura said:

Realistically bro, just stop being cheap and buy her the drink.

Listen to The Man.

Recently I totally blew it, for being perceived as cheap. And I am not cheap...AT ALL. It's a big nono.

We wanna play this HiGh-vAlue-maLe-keep-the-first-dates-cheap roll, and sometimes it blows in our face.

What I have discovered is that if you really vibe with the girl you don't (have to) care about buying her sushi and wine on the first date. And paradoxically if you really vibe with the girl you don't need to take her on a expensive date. Smoking a joint sitting on the bench of a park will be enough.

@StarStruck And I am not saying that we are not HVM's. What I am saying is that we over do it sometimes.

 

[StarStruck]

@Arcangelo I usually spend below 15-20 on first dates, perhaps even less if it is a coffee date. Couple of times I spend more on girls I liked and they just dropped me and didn't even have the respect to tell me why they decided to ghost me.

This is really the core of this topic I guess: I don't feel respected and I don't want to be taken advantage of.

I know it is probably a reflection of my inner self: I don't have respect (love) for myself so it reflects onto the girl and they treat me like I treat myself. This is something I'm working on.

Edited October 3, 2022 by StarStruck

[Arcangelo]

On 10/3/2022 at 11:50 AM, StarStruck said:

I don't feel respected and I don't want to be taken advantage of.

It happens. Some women just like the attention. Never in their minds enters the idea of having sex with you. It happened to me very recently. I thought these type of women were a myth but they do exist.

That's why the 3 date rule and keeping dates cheap is so important.

[Arcangelo]

These situations occur because we are not in touch with our intuition.

I bet your intuition was telling you something...

[flowboy]

@StarStruck

On 03/10/2022 at 7:50 PM, StarStruck said:

I usually spend below 15-20 on first dates, perhaps even less if it is a coffee date. Couple of times I spend more on girls I liked and they just dropped me and didn't even have the respect to tell me why they decided to ghost me.

This is really the core of this topic I guess: I don't feel respected and I don't want to be taken advantage of.

I know it is probably a reflection of my inner self: I don't have respect (love) for myself so it reflects onto the girl and they treat me like I treat myself. This is something I'm working on.

Spot on.

In which way are you working on it, which techniques are you using?

With regards to the situation: you never want the topic of money to break the flow of conversation.

It shouldn't be a big deal, period.

That doesn't mean that you pay for whatever she wants.

It can also mean that she pays for the next thing, or for the whole date, it just needs to flow naturally.

If it's a big enough deal to you that you're willing to stop the conversation and set a boundary regarding to who pays for what, that's a turnoff.

But even if you don't bring it up at all, she will sense that you have bad boundaries, and that's why they keep ghosting you.

Here's what you should have done:

1. You invited her for a coffee
2. She says let's get a beer now
3. You realise that you don't feel like getting alcoholic drinks
4. You say: actually don't feel like getting drinks now, but why don't we do that after your dinner with colleagues. I'll pick you up from there at 9

Point being:

The boundary crossing happened BEFORE payment was even the topic at hand.

You didn't want to get drinks.