I’m in a bit of a bind….

[BlessedLion]

I met a beautiful Argentinian woman about 6 months ago (then she left, we never hooked up) and we have been talking on what’s app, kinda flirty for about 1-2 months. Recently she moved back to the town I live in and met her in. 
 

We have been hanging out and having sex, and the sex is amazing but I’m worried that I’m doing it for the wrong reasons. Personally I don’t see myself starting a relationship and I’m kinda feeling more like something casual, but she told me that she is finally allowing herself to open her heart and that she wants to go deep. So I’m kinda worried that I’m going to end up hurting her and I’m so sick of guys fucking women over just so they can get some sex. 
 

I told her some of this, in an honest way, and she said she wants me to feel free and to do whatever I want. But that she isn’t going to hold back her emotions and be distant and is opening up to love. 
 

Im in a bind because I love the sex and I do like her, but sometimes she feels too intense and I also don’t see myself getting into something long term there. I want to be free sexually. But then again there’s times when we have a great connection and it feels good. But to start dating I know I would be doing that out of alignment. 
 

Kinda lost 

[BlessedLion]

I forgot to mention that when I confessed how I felt about everything, she understood, then we still had sex after. She said that I was a man about what was going on internally and that I didn’t act like a horny little boy about it. Then she jumped my bones. So idk maybe I’ll just go with it, but I just have this intuition that it’s going to end up painfully. 

[Loba]

Honestly, I would take a step back before she collects more feels for you.  If you're not interested in this woman and she is falling in love with you, sex is going to make it harder for her to move on.  Maybe a part of her thinks that she can change your mind, or perhaps she thinks she won't get hurt, but if she is looking to go deep into something, her heart is opening up, and you are feeling ambivalent about this person then the both of you are not on the same page and she will get hurt.  If this continues, it will be worse for her long term than if you nip it in the bud right away.  Even if the sex is good, be the good guy and let her go.  You'll find more partners, and this action of being considerate of another person will reflect well on you.  Good luck!

[Tyler Robinson]

Better be honest with her. It doesn't cost a thing. 

A guy did something similar to me. He lead me on to believe that he was in love. 

I was deeply in love with him by then. It was too late. Then he wanted to back out. I felt used and hurt. It drove me insane because he cut me off abruptly. 

Cutting someone out abruptly after getting them emotionally invested can make a person temporarily insane. 

I suffered temporary insanity and recovered after a month. It was heart wrenching. 

 

[Arthogaan]

Be really really honest. Communicate a shit ton. But then if she still wants spend time with you and get intimate then its her choice and responsibility and you should let her learn her boundaries.

[mr_engineer]

Maybe you want an open relationship. You can have a deep connection with her and get sexual freedom like that!! 

Monogamy makes sense if you want her in your life, to the degree that you want her to be exclusive with you. And you're willing to sacrifice opportunities with other women for it. 

[BlessedLion]

Wow. Thank you all for the heartfelt advice here. I really appreciate all your input. 
 

@Loba & @Tyler Robinson the thing is I’m not sure if it’s a 100% no for me. I can honestly say I’m not 100% in it, but there’s something in me that keeps wanting to see her, I find myself daydreaming about us meditating and hanging out together but another part of me knows I’m not likely in it for the long haul. 
 

I think I’ll talk to her about what she wants and if she wants monogamy or something more casual. I’m open to all the emotions and love and going deep but that just isn’t coming up for me. I kinda wish it was but it’s just not happening. 
 

@Tyler Robinson Yeah I try not to cut people out abruptly unless they start attacking me, that’s my one exception. I probably drove one girl off the wall by blocking her when we were in love but she fucked my friend so it’s kinda like, “yeah you’re on your own there” actually her doing that drove me insane for about 3 weeks. I could barely talk eat sleep. So ya I won’t do anything like that to this angel, but maybe Loba is right about just stepping away. 
 

Im also going on a 10 day silent retreat in a week so that will be a great place to reflect and such. 

[Tyler Robinson]

@BlessedLion don't know what to tell ya. 

Relationships are never 100% ethical. 

But if you wanna keep this ethical, respect her, tell her in all honesty all the truth. 

Be by her side throughout her heartache phase and don't block or ghost your angel. Be friends with her and but let her know the truth. 

 

[Loba]

59 minutes ago, BlessedLion said:

the thing is I’m not sure if it’s a 100% no for me. I can honestly say I’m not 100% in it, but there’s something in me that keeps wanting to see her, I find myself daydreaming about us meditating and hanging out together but another part of me knows I’m not likely in it for the long haul. 
 

I think I’ll talk to her about what she wants and if she wants monogamy or something more casual. I’m open to all the emotions and love and going deep but that just isn’t coming up for me. I kinda wish it was but it’s just not happening. 

See, the thing with women and their emotions is that we go deep.  Generally much deeper than most men are capable of, no offence.  If she starts to unravel her emotions, her sense of self... for you... who doesn't know what they want, this can complicate things.  Many times a woman will take less than she really wants for herself if it means getting to stay with the person that she is attracted to.

I would have a serious talk with her and see where she is at, and then do some self reflection to see if you can meet in the middle without hurting her.  If it seems like she really wants something with you long-term, and you can't give that to her, the emotions just aren't coming up - don't feel bad, that's life, you know - but do her a favour and let her ago, assuming that this is what the outcome will be.

[integral]

On 9/22/2022 at 11:07 PM, BlessedLion said:

Personally I don’t see myself starting a relationship

It could be because you think what a relationships is = responsibilities, loyalty, commitments and limitations.

It doesnt need to be that way. Imagine having a friend that you have sex with and go deep into connection with. That's all it has to be.  

[BlessedLion]

Thanks again guys. 
 

If anyone is interested I have an update;

 

I took y’all’s advice and saw her last night. When started hooking up I stopped her and said I was feeling a bit inward, then I explained everything that was going on with me. Mainly that I didn’t feel like I was in the space to go into any kind of relationship and that I feeling more blocked from her. I was pretty honest. She was very understanding and kind about the whole thing. And she said her side of things and that she was really enjoying it with me (as was I) and we were both learning a lot. 
 

After I saw how understanding she was I felt a huge weight off my chest, I started talking with her about being open and loving ourselves and not feeling bad for how we feel and what we experience. This got us into talking about Universal Love and God and I was sitting there looking at her and I just saw so much beauty. I just let go of all my monkey mind thoughts and I told her “I know I’m confusing right now but you look so fucking amazing”

I felt like I was on a dose of mushrooms. Everything became open and psychedelic. We went deeper into our fears, our spirituality, everything. 
 

Then we made love, for hours, and It was some of the best sex I’ve ever had in my life. Totally innocent, expressive and free. It was truly heart opening. We went from sex to talking to laughing to massages to cuddles to eye gazing, all night. 
 

So to be honest guys, I have no idea what this means or where I’m at. Even after the sex she was saying “well I’m going to miss you” so it’s clear she knew it was kinda ending  

 

Part of me wants to keep going and part of me is resistant. I wish I could just make a decision and follow it but I’m torn. Not sure there’s much advice for this, I think I’m just going to feel it out and let it unfold day by day. 
 

thanks anyway guys

[Ulax]

@BlessedLion Are you afraid because you don't trust that if you continue the relationship in the present way and then later end it, she won't have the same mindset that she wants you to feel free and do whatever you want?

[flowboy]

@BlessedLion  Amazing experience.

She is not your person.

She is just a stop on the way.

I haven't heard you say that you feel a deep connection with her.

If you did, you would know.

In my experience, the desire to be noncommittal follows from not feeling a deep connection.

So there is no basis for an open relationship here.

Because there is no basis for a relationship.

When you meet someone you can go deep with, you will know.

It's just not this one.

[Devin]

It's funny you say you don't want to be a guy that uses a girl for sex. You didn't mislead her, casual sex has always been a thing. She misled you, she's using sex to get you. She's playing you, the opposite way guys play gals but it's still playing.

Edited September 28, 2022 by Devin