___ b_Tyler Robinson journal station 1

[Tyler Robinson]

 

Chapters list 

Chapter5A - Warehouse of love and prayers

Chapter5B - Spectrum disorder 

Chapter5C - Basics of living(my life 2022)

 

..... 

Chapter2 - Updates journal

Chapter3 - Collection of thoughts and insights

Chapter4 - My artwork, music, poetry

Chapter5 - Therapy Journal 

Chapter6 - LSD trip reports

 

Edited September 22, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

Chapters list 

Chapter5A - Warehouse of love and prayers.... Done

Chapter5B - Spectrum disorder (not done) 

Chapter5C - Basics of living(my life 2022) done 

 

..... 

Chapter2 - Updates journal (separate) 

Chapter3 - Collection of thoughts and insights  Done 

Chapter4 - My artwork, music, poetry (separate) 

Chapter5 - Therapy Journal (separate) 

Chapter6 - LSD trip reports (separate) 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

This 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

Chapter5A - Warehouse of love and prayers

 

Entry1/5A

On 9/1/2022 at 10:10 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

 

Chapter5A - Warehouse of love and prayers

Entry1/5A

 

 On 8/1/2022 at 10:43 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

Where only love resides with my soul family. 

 

 

  On 8/2/2022 at 3:56 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

Only one will be enough to destroy sleep.

Yea you smart-ass. Not so smart. I never want to see your face ever. I'm glad I'm out. I feel relief. You tortured me emotionally and refused to take responsibility for what you did. You drove me insane and then complained about my insanity. 

I had enough. I'm free. 

You know what.... Ironically you led me to my soul family. 

 

 

  On 8/3/2022 at 5:59 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

Today I was thinking about all those 26 victims of the Sandy Hook shooting. All the children who died. 

My prayers of love and healing to all those who lost their lives. May they find peace in eternity. 

 

Charlotte Bacon, 6

Daniel Barden, 7

Rachel Davino, 29

Olivia Engel, 6

Josephine Gay, 7

Ana M Marquez-Greene, 6

Dylan Hockley, 6

Dawn Hochsprung, 47

Madeline F. Hsu, 6

Catherine V. Hubbard, 6

Chase Kowalski, 7

Jesse Lewis, 6

James Mattioli, 6

Grace McDonnell, 7

Anne Marie Murphy, 52

Emilie Parker, 6

Jack Pinto, 6

Noah Pozner, 6

Caroline Previdi, 6

Jessica Rekos, 6

Avielle Richman, 6

Lauren Rousseau, 30

Mary Sherlach, 56

Victoria Soto, 27

Benjamin Wheeler, 6

Allison N Wyatt, 6

 

 

Just stop judging. Judging hurts. The world needs love and healing. 

Even a psychopath like Adam Lanza needs healing and love and not judgement. 

We need solutions and not fingers. 

Fingers don't solve problems. 

 

Everyone needs love. The liar, the victim, the psychopath, the sociopath, the diseased, the poor, everyone needs love. 

More lives are lost not because of guns but simply because of lack of love. 

 

I understand suffering. I understand pain. I feel it in my veins. I feel it in my bones. And the only solution to pain and suffering is love. 

 

There is no point in judging a psychopath. 

There is no point in judging anything. 

God does not judge. Satan does not judge. People do. 

 

 

 

 

 

Entry2/5A

On 9/1/2022 at 10:12 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

Entry2/5A

Find love, prayer, hope, healing, wisdom, peace, the beautiful loving afterlife and a beautiful soul family. 

This earth won't give you that. 

This life won't give you that. 

This world won't give you that. 

Because reality is deeply meaningless and dysfunctional and this has to be accepted regardless of expectations and outcomes. 

The only way to find those things is to look for them within. 

Life will pass by like a blurr. Do the best you can while you have the time and leave the rest to God. 

 

 

Chapter5C - Basics of living(my life 2022)

 

Entry1/5C

On 9/1/2022 at 10:17 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

Chapter5C - Basics of living(my life 2022)

 

Entry1/5C

 

  On 8/3/2022 at 6:18 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

I need to get my life together after a long break and revamp everything once again. Start from a clean slate and start from scratch. 

Last night I slept peaceful. No nightmares. Wish every night would be this way. 

 

 

  On 8/3/2022 at 6:28 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

Refer to atomic lists. 

reduce self destructive tendencies. Watch out whenever you do this. Control. 

 

 

  On 8/3/2022 at 6:04 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

It's like I have to start all over again. 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

Chapter3 - Collection of thoughts and insights

Entry1/3

On 9/1/2022 at 10:47 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

Chapter3 - Collection of thoughts and insights

 

On 9/1/2022 at 10:50 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

Chapter3 - Collection of thoughts and insights

Entry1/3

 

  I have been in a situation where my ex lied to me about his bisexuality. I asked him again and again about it. He was hiding it. He thought that if he told me about it, I would reject him. Back then I was a bit, you could say, not so comfortable with the idea of entertaining bisexuality. I probably would have rejected him. So our relationship ended and he later on admitted that he was bisexual which hurt me because I thought he should have let me know early on.

 

That day I reflected on why he wasn't being open about the truth to me. I realized that he thought he was going to be judged or shamed. His idea was not to deceive me. He was only hiding because he was not too open about such things, he didn't know how I would react to it. Hindsight is always 20/20. I don't think that way anymore. Now I'm more open to the idea of bisexuality than before. My transformation to becoming a trans has helped me understand and explore the idea of transgenderism and homosexuality. 

 

A few weeks ago when I confided in a male colleague about my trans situation, he was very pissed. Next day he gave me a death threat and said that such people do not belong in society. That has caused me to not open up about my trans struggles to people around me. It becomes difficult to tell the whole truth when you're judged and shamed by those around you. In addition people get to call me a liar if I don't tell the whole truth. It's a tricky thing. 

 

What prompted me to comment is the statement you made - "I fucking hate dishonest people."

Not gonna lie but that statement hurt me very badly because I have been dishonest too in my life to people around me. But I only did so because I always feared their judgement and hate towards me.. Being truthful was probably a huge struggle for me ever since childhood. 

But I know deep down that I never had bad intentions. I was just addicted to lying and dishonesty and a lot of it has to do with the way I felt judged all the time. 

That prompted me to comment, I can see others struggling with truth just the way I do. 

If we all lived with more compassion and less judgement, maybe people would feel much better being truthful. 

Just my two cents. 

I'm also writing a journal on serial killers and Mass shooters and trying to understand why they kill people. 

At the end of the day, after a thorough contemplation on the nature of good and evil I have come to the following conclusion - 

All the evil we see in the world is the evil we ourselves create. 

It goes along the lines of another famous saying - 

Be the change you wish to see in the world. 

What I mean is - we blame all the evil on a person, on people who do wrong things. But it's the ultimate absence of love that gives birth to all this evil. People who do wrong things are mere scapegoats that we point our fingers to. Who are the mass shooters? Who are the narcissists? Who are the psychopaths? We might blame them endlessly. But that doesn't solve the problem. We give birth to them. We create them and we blame them. These people were raised by the same society that blames and shames them. We don't want to address their trauma, their concerns, their parenting, their upbringing but we just want to put them in jail and throw away the key, without addressing the issues at their root. I feel this is unjust and unfair. Evil is not an external force with puppet strings in the hands of the devil. Evil is right here within us and we cause it because we don't want to truly love each other. It creates separation. Separation creates a society of you versus them. Then a person no longer cares about you and scams you. We don't see the underlying connections. We only blame the person. 

 

 

I liked this one. 

The person this experience is operating from wants there to be a person with a story but then it is like the person could be just as imaginary as everything else like the background stuff; like the person this appears to be operating from could be just as much background stuff as the background stuff; but then it doesn't matter if it is imaginary or not because it is still being 'experienced'.

and then morals are so twisted where everything is good and bad and it is all whatever we say it is

i feel so lost and my head hurts

I feel like I just want to get a job and do it mindlessly and forget about all of this awakening stuff.  the model for life got too complicated for my brain to be satisfied with and I just don't want a model anymore or think anymore.  I had a hard time with the morally dark side of my career and ahhhh.

Work makes me unstable but then also not working makes me unstable.

I guess I need to just meditate and drop all these thoughts.

 

 

 

 

Entry2/3

On 9/1/2022 at 10:52 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

Entry2/3

Some beautiful words..... 

 

You think you love her. But what you love are the things she is providing for you. Like her "loyalty". 

I suggest opening to the idea that a girl can kiss whoever she wants and come back to YOU as she truly discovers and even tells you that nobody can replace you, and your kiss will always be the best kiss. This is feeling in love.

Try to put her in the chains of artificiality, judgment, fear, hate, and obligation. You'll see the catastrophe of this behavior and mindset.

    I don't think you do. I've been being picky about who I start friendships with for taking relationships beyond being friendly acquaintances, I was hoping to find a few deep guys for being good friends and I haven't. I no longer think I likely will, but I also no longer think I need them to be deep, just relatively positive.

    Should I hold out to find deeper guys to be friends with? I take friendships seriously, I don't like getting close to people and then leaving, and I also don't like the idea of just having a ton of barely friends, so this is a more important decision to me than you might think.

Do I want such friends? 

 

 

Entry3/3

On 9/1/2022 at 10:55 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

Entry3/3

 

  On 7/23/2022 at 5:57 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

I need to start keeping a track of my emotions again.

It's getting harder.

 

  On 7/23/2022 at 6:24 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

Saturday, July 23. 2022.

I'm so sick of this. I want time to slow down. It's too fast. Everything is too fast..

 

Hands down one of the best journals....

Jordan Peterson has been stirring a lot of stuff lately which is not a good move PR wise.

My thoughts have been all over the place since morning and I'm constantly craving coffee. What should I do ? Lately I'm trying not to take too much caffeine. Caffeine has been the cause of my nightmares. 

Self focus. Self focus. Self focus. Please Courtney please.

I chose a name Beverly. 

I thought of a bunch of names.

Carolyn 

I took Emily and Alice and created Amily.

Courtney

None of the names I'm looking up are impressing me.

It's frustrating. Either a name doesn't have a feminine essence or it doesn't click or its too outdated or just not a good name. 

Naming children must be so difficult.

Or I'm spoilt for choice.

I thought of Hayley too. 

 

Ok I'm going to stick with  Emily

 

Emily Robinson. Done.

I was imagining myself as a wealthy socialite while I was asleep. Then I was thinking to myself - what's the point of it all.

There are days when I wish I could just be normal..

 

Why couldn't I feel normal?

 

Sometimes I feel like I don't belong to this world. That life has been too cruel to me.

Why was I born ?

 

  On 7/24/2022 at 3:04 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

Wounds that don't heal.

 

 

To come back to normal will take up so much time.

I'm falling in love with James.

 

 

 

James is my soulmate. Not on this forum. I found him somewhere else.

He is the nicest person I met.

He and I are emotionally in tune.

I'm not single anymore. Already in a relationship.

Yesterday I clicked on a video that shows the first letter of a person' soulmate based on their zodiac.

Mine is Pisces and it showed the first letter as J. I was kinda shocked.

It was this one.

 

I've been studying zodiac signs a lot lately. Mostly Pisces, Cancer, Virgo and Leo. I like to study all of them. But these are interesting to me.

Leo is too bold sometimes.

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

 

Entry4/3

 

 

On 9/1/2022 at 10:57 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

Entry4/3

 

Why is love so elusive to me ?

Why do I keep chasing love and then get disillusioned by it ?

Most men I meet, it seems their emotions are fake. Like they don't really love me. Is love an illusion? Are men afraid to say -"I don't love you the way i thought I did."

Men reject but in subtle and manipulative ways. They test a woman, not letting her know that she is being tested. Then they dump her after leading her on, once they see that it's not turning into an ideal relationship. Men are calculated. It's just that woman are more open about their feelings and men like to keep their inner emotions to themselves. They're not honest about not wanting a woman. That's sad. A lot of pain kinda goes away if a man is honest about his intent. Women reject directly on the spot. They hurt directly. They don't test a man indirectly, they don't pretend to be in love if they didn't really catch feelings. But this kind of direct rejection and hurting does much less harm than manipulating someone to stay in a relationship, only to test them and dump them later, it hurts way worse because you kinda get the woman emotionally involved, drag it along, make her feel loved and wanted, secretly test her to see if she fits your bill, tell her a lot of sweet things to get her to like you, make her feel accepted and then once your mind isn't ready for her, dump her like she never existed. This hurts. If a man rejected me on my face, it wouldn't hurt so much..I feel like I was manipulated into believing that I'm being desired and loved. There was no desire..it hurts. 

A man who truly desires you, would he just let you go ?

 

                                 

 

A man's desire is temporary. Today they desire you, tomorrow they don't.  like you're the sweetest princess in the world today  and tomorrow they simply lost interest or you're not beautiful in their eyes anymore.

Men like women on superficial traits and for Egoic superficial reasons. Not because they truly want you. They're just expert at hiding intentions and emotions.

If they ever like a woman, it's usually the wrong woman, because she ends up treating him like trash..karma.

Chasing a man is like chasing fool's gold.. there's no point in it. They're going to dump the woman anyway. 

I wish I had a man who would genuinely love me for who I am..not for who he thinks I should be. 

I wish I had a man who wasn't testing me to find out if I'm good enough for him to keep me..I wish I had a man who wouldn't lead me on and then be unsure of whether he really wanted me or not..I wish I had a man who I wouldn't need to beg to be with me, I wouldn't feel like I love him more than he does me. I wish I had a man who knew what love meant and would reciprocate me the way my love should be reciprocated.

It's hurtful. 

Even a man's madness is temporary, no matter how much he simps you, it's all fake and dry and lacking in true meaning and substance. Most men think with their dicks. They only want some temporary stimulation. They are horny , they need someone so they try to get a woman's sexual/romantic attention only to leave her high and dry once they feel like they conquered her heart. It's brutal

Because men are designed to hunt. They're hunter gatherers. So they love to hunt a woman, and if she is not the prize then they dump her. She is simply not worth the chase. 

 

.. ..

 

Entry5/3

On 9/1/2022 at 11:03 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

Entry5/3

 

It's time to shame the sex selling culture. Yesterday I was reading about Ratajkowski. That model. She is a bad influence on women. She talked about how she makes money off her naked body and doesn't give a damn about what older white men think of her because she makes more money than them. Then in one of the photos she is seen holding her newborn baby such that his head dangerously flops to one side. Everyone criticised her for that on social media. So her solution? Instead of apologizing for it and thanking people for having concerns over her child, she simply blocked and turned off commenting and even implied that she was being mom shamed. This woman has all the signs of a narcissistic psychopath. Her dead stare eyes are a giveaway. She basically wants to say that all you need in life is money and a pair of boobs to succeed. I think that's not empowering to women in anyway. This reminds me of the OnlyFans trend started by Bella Thorne. It's dirty, sickening and disempowering to women. Some women might say that sex work shouldn't be shamed. But what are you making money off off ? You're making money off perverted pedophiles and men with sexual fetishes who pay to see you naked the way strippers make money. What's the difference ? Do we really want to raise daughters and see them making money by stripping ? This is just glorified prostitution that banks on men validating women's appearances for their perverted sexual desires. This culture that constantly encourages women to take off their clothes to make money is like associating a woman's life and worth only to her sexual market value. But a woman is much more than that. Kim Kardashian also encourages this culture in subtle ways. It's time to shame this culture. Making money is a sign of materialism. There's nothing artistic about it. It's called hustling. And women who hustle by selling their bodies are nothing but prostitutes. And for women this is deeply hurting and dangerous to women's mental health, self image and self worth. Feminism needs to shame this behaviour in women who do this nonsense and act like they have achieved something by making money. No. You ain't achieving shit. You're just hustling like a street hooker. There's no pride in such success.

Time to slam the likes of such women.

 

Imaginary lovers are a thousand times better than real lovers. Lol..

 

All of my thoughts are so disorganised..

 

So yesterday I was talking to J(again) and he gave a short summary of how I was as a girlfriend. 

He said - "wonderful, kind and honest. Trustworthy, cute,nice voice and mannerisms. "

Wow J that's what you said a year after our breakup lol. Never ever appreciated me when I was with him.

 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry6/3

On 9/1/2022 at 11:05 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

Entry6/3

 

                

About Ben(you know who you are) (want to vent and be Done with this ugly chapter of my life )

He and I met in this useless place.  I actually didn't want the relationship with him so maybe I was subconsciously trying to drive him away by pretending to be older than I was. I didn't lie about my occupation. I don't know where that came from. Also I never said that I am stage Coral. Some things you just make up about me. I always maintained that i am stage green. 

Now I didn't really want him. He was simping me. He was negging me. Kinda indirectly teasing me flirtatiously. Not overtly, but subtly. He had been giving me constant mixed signals for almost 2 weeks but he denies it, yet he was doing it. He even made a video on me. I was on his mind. I had no idea at first. I am not pretending to be innocent. But I really had no idea he was wanting me subconsciously until he began writing about me in his journal. He was constantly drawing my attention to him. I had no idea who he even was. I generally don't read other's journals. But I accidentally clicked his and discovered that he had been writing about me which got me take note of him. 

When I told him that I didn't want to deal with a bipolar person, he was very pissed off. He began whining about it. I apologised to him about it. That's when he pretended like he wanted to help me. I thought to myself - "what a kind person !" ....kindness is an instant attraction to me. Hindsight he was trying to help me in order to attract me to him <his manipulation> he didn't really want to help me. It was his way of getting me interested in him. He wasn't being pure about his intent. He mentioned this himself in his journal(which is deleted).. 

I don't/didn't have a dozen  bfs. Only Marc and this guy. I don't like to mention his name because he was extremely manipulative with me but turned it on me. So please stop saying a dozen forum bfs. It serves no purpose but to shame me. I only have imaginary lovers not real. The only real ones were Marc and this guy. Nobody came to you except this one guy. So stop exaggerating, shaming, lying, slandering and blowing things out of proportion. It hurts.  other than blaming and shaming and the supposed people you're trying to defend are no innocent angels. 

I was instantly attracted to him. Yes he was kinda simping me, but simps aren't exactly as innocent as you assume them to be. He was simping me just to dump me later. How is that not manipulation? Using others for emotional/sexual needs ?

He wasn't foolish. He knew what he was doing. So I thought if he was giving me mixed signals,then I will take the first step. So I told him that I was attracted to him. He immediately said that he didn't mean to want anything with me and acted like I was being manipulative. How exactly was I manipulative when all along he had been giving me mixed signals? Ok, so I accepted everything he said and moved on. But it didn't stop there. After creating a fuss about the whole thing, he kept hovering around me, told me that he can't control himself and began seducing me again. He himself initiated flirty talk.  This time I was sexually seduced by him. And I gave in. After all the sexual feelings he gave me, I told him that I wanted nothing to do with him.. I clearly told him that I didnt want a relationship. He kept pressuring me into being his girlfriend to the point of emotional blackmail. He wanted to break friendship with me if I didn't accept him as a boyfriend. Isn't this manipulative? Also this is like if a woman becomes your girlfriend and then tells you -"pay me  $1000 a month if you wish to keep me as your girlfriend or else I'm gone." Now you're attracted to this woman and you can't lose her so you end up paying.

That's the kind of thing he did. I had no other option but to give in. I truly didn't want the relationship but he had seduced me and gotten me emotionally involved with his sweet talk and constant persuasion to be his girlfriend. He basically baited me and then placed the condition that I had to be his girlfriend. But on the forum he pretended like I was the one chasing him, nothing could be further from the truth. I didn't want to badmouth him because I liked him and that had kept my mouth sealed shut. I'm not saying I'm innocent because I lied about stuff and that might have hurt him that I lied. He used to tell me that lying hurts him. But I had already told him that I'm a psychopath. He pretended to be okay with my psychopath behaviour. What about his accountability here ? When women fall for abusive men, we blame women for choosing to stay with such men. Why can't we apply the same to men?   When I clearly told him early on that I was a psychopath, and he still chose to be with me, where's his accountability here? In fact he said that he was attracted to my crazy behaviour. Really !! Then why complain later?

 

 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

Entry7/3

On 9/1/2022 at 11:29 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

Entry7/3

                  

 

After submitting to his demand of being his girlfriend, we got into an argument over psychedelics. I basically wasn't okay with his psychedelics lifestyle and I let him know that. He was pissed off again and told me that he would break off if I didn't accept psychedelics. How is this not manipulative? Basically controlling and manipulative.

He would always be like - " if you didn't do this for me,I will break off, if you didn't do that for me ,I will break off."

This is straight up emotional blackmail. 

It's like if I didn't shut up and do exactly as he needed he would cut me out. And this is not manipulative? 

If a woman did this to a man, all the men would label her as a total manipulative control freak. But just because you're men and he is a man, this behaviour is being considered okay?

I began to accept psychedelics only for him. I started making threads on psychedelics even if I literally had zero interest, just to impress him since he had pressured me into taking it up or he would leave. 

This is basically my side of the story that nobody gets to hear because I don't have the habit of slamming others. I'm an introvert who keeps to herself until I'm properly provoked to say something. 

You only get to hear his narrative because that's what he wanted people to hear. He secretly admitted to his manipulation behind everyone's back to me, but why was he silent about it on the forum. To save his own pride and ego ? Nice.

The story continues. In the beginning I didn't want a relationship with him so I thought pretending to be older than I was would drive him away. But that didn't work. Because he indirectly implied that I should never have a problem with it. That it didn't matter to him. 

So the relationship continued with all his sweet talk. I had made up my mind that I didn't want him after his initial rejection and drama that he created about it. He was pissed off because I didn't accept his psychedelics clause of the relationship. Why should I? If he wanted it so desperately, why wouldn't he find a woman who likes doing psychedelics. Why be with me and pressure me into lt ?

Next he talked about spirituality. Although I wanted a spiritual partner, I wasn't exactly comfortable with his spiritual perspectives. I don't remember the details (all of this happened in the middle of April just after my diagnosis with BPD and I wasn't in the right frame of mind.) 

 

            

 

 

Entry8/3

On 9/1/2022 at 11:36 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

Entry8/3

                   

So at the time I told him that I wanted a person who was naturally spiritual and not someone who derives his spirituality via psychedelics. His ego was hurt and once again he was talking about breaking off with me. He said spirituality was non-negotiable. I wasn't telling him to not do it ,I was simply disagreeing with his approach. I mean where is my will in this relationship? Everything had to be his way or no way. If anytime I didn't agree with him, he would instantly blackmail me with breaking the relationship. Is this not super controlling and manipulative? Where is the space for my will,needs or concerns in all of this ?

So he broke up with me. The second time.  I was pissed too. I was like fuck off. I was done being a slave to his list of demands and his constant emotional blackmail.

I was moving on peacefully when he came around one more time after rejecting me twice before.

Once again he pretended like he wanted to help me pitying my condition and feeling sorry for me, offering himself, simping again. This time I was having a bad time and feeling especially vulnerable because of some family issues I had been facing (my family wounds were the cause of my BPD ). So he told me that I might be feeling lonely and might need him to talk to. This was all purely his initiation, because I didn't have a single thought about him after I had moved on. So he dropped off his number and told me to call him. I thought he wanted to help me so I called him. He left me no chance to open up about my childhood trauma (which was the real intent of the call) and instead he dominated the conversation by rambling away about Mormons. Next he began texting me. So I thought this was my opportunity to open up about my trauma. this time he again began to talk about some random bullshit. Not once did he suggest me to start talking about my trauma. He once again implied that I was a wonderful person. To that I replied - "you're so sweet." I didn't mean it romantically. I meant it as a compliment for having offered me his number. He immediately said - "are we still attracted to each other ?" Isn't this the same man who had rejected me twice before and pretended that I had been chasing him on the forum and made a big drama out of it ?????" So I felt trapped and helpless. Because here is a man who is trying to help me but at the cost of having me as a girlfriend and wanting to be sexual with me. So I relented because I was super lonely and I wanted someone to talk to. It's like he wanted to help me but in return I must comply to his sexual demands and offer myself sexually to him. So i did. ( Tell me if this is not manipulative of him.)

From my journal entries he knew very well that I was sexually weak. That if he seduced me, I would have no way to resist him. He used sex as a weapon in the relationship to keep me wanting him. But on here he pretended like I was seducing him, when in reality he always initiated anything that was sexual and would demand it even if I wasn't in the mood to want it. But sex was my biggest weakness and he was using it thoroughly to control me. It's like a woman using sex to control a man. It was the reverse in my case, he was using sex to constantly bait me into the relationship and I would relent. He was using my weakness. He treated me like a conquest. 

                 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

Entry6/3

 

  On 9/1/2022 at 11:05 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

Entry6/3

 

                

About Ben(you know who you are) (want to vent and be Done with this ugly chapter of my life )

He and I met in this useless place.  I actually didn't want the relationship with him so maybe I was subconsciously trying to drive him away by pretending to be older than I was. I didn't lie about my occupation. I don't know where that came from. Also I never said that I am stage Coral. Some things you just make up about me. I always maintained that i am stage green. 

Now I didn't really want him. He was simping me. He was negging me. Kinda indirectly teasing me flirtatiously. Not overtly, but subtly. He had been giving me constant mixed signals for almost 2 weeks but he denies it, yet he was doing it. He even made a video on me. I was on his mind. I had no idea at first. I am not pretending to be innocent. But I really had no idea he was wanting me subconsciously until he began writing about me in his journal. He was constantly drawing my attention to him. I had no idea who he even was. I generally don't read other's journals. But I accidentally clicked his and discovered that he had been writing about me which got me take note of him. 

When I told him that I didn't want to deal with a bipolar person, he was very pissed off. He began whining about it. I apologised to him about it. That's when he pretended like he wanted to help me. I thought to myself - "what a kind person !" ....kindness is an instant attraction to me. Hindsight he was trying to help me in order to attract me to him <his manipulation> he didn't really want to help me. It was his way of getting me interested in him. He wasn't being pure about his intent. He mentioned this himself in his journal(which is deleted).. 

I don't/didn't have a dozen  bfs. Only Marc and this guy. I don't like to mention his name because he was extremely manipulative with me but turned it on me. So please stop saying a dozen forum bfs. It serves no purpose but to shame me. I only have imaginary lovers not real. The only real ones were Marc and this guy. Nobody came to you except this one guy. So stop exaggerating, shaming, lying, slandering and blowing things out of proportion. It hurts.  other than blaming and shaming and the supposed people you're trying to defend are no innocent angels. 

I was instantly attracted to him. Yes he was kinda simping me, but simps aren't exactly as innocent as you assume them to be. He was simping me just to dump me later. How is that not manipulation? Using others for emotional/sexual needs ?

He wasn't foolish. He knew what he was doing. So I thought if he was giving me mixed signals,then I will take the first step. So I told him that I was attracted to him. He immediately said that he didn't mean to want anything with me and acted like I was being manipulative. How exactly was I manipulative when all along he had been giving me mixed signals? Ok, so I accepted everything he said and moved on. But it didn't stop there. After creating a fuss about the whole thing, he kept hovering around me, told me that he can't control himself and began seducing me again. He himself initiated flirty talk.  This time I was sexually seduced by him. And I gave in. After all the sexual feelings he gave me, I told him that I wanted nothing to do with him.. I clearly told him that I didnt want a relationship. He kept pressuring me into being his girlfriend to the point of emotional blackmail. He wanted to break friendship with me if I didn't accept him as a boyfriend. Isn't this manipulative? Also this is like if a woman becomes your girlfriend and then tells you -"pay me  $1000 a month if you wish to keep me as your girlfriend or else I'm gone." Now you're attracted to this woman and you can't lose her so you end up paying.

That's the kind of thing he did. I had no other option but to give in. I truly didn't want the relationship but he had seduced me and gotten me emotionally involved with his sweet talk and constant persuasion to be his girlfriend. He basically baited me and then placed the condition that I had to be his girlfriend. But on the forum he pretended like I was the one chasing him, nothing could be further from the truth. I didn't want to badmouth him because I liked him and that had kept my mouth sealed shut. I'm not saying I'm innocent because I lied about stuff and that might have hurt him that I lied. He used to tell me that lying hurts him. But I had already told him that I'm a psychopath. He pretended to be okay with my psychopath behaviour. What about his accountability here ? When women fall for abusive men, we blame women for choosing to stay with such men. Why can't we apply the same to men?   When I clearly told him early on that I was a psychopath, and he still chose to be with me, where's his accountability here? In fact he said that he was attracted to my crazy behaviour. Really !! Then why complain later?

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry7/3

After submitting to his demand of being his girlfriend, we got into an argument over psychedelics. I basically wasn't okay with his psychedelics lifestyle and I let him know that. He was pissed off again and told me that he would break off if I didn't accept psychedelics. How is this not manipulative? Basically controlling and manipulative.

He would always be like - " if you didn't do this for me,I will break off, if you didn't do that for me ,I will break off."

This is straight up emotional blackmail. 

It's like if I didn't shut up and do exactly as he needed he would cut me out. And this is not manipulative? 

If a woman did this to a man, all the men would label her as a total manipulative control freak. But just because you're men and he is a man, this behaviour is being considered okay?

I began to accept psychedelics only for him. I started making threads on psychedelics even if I literally had zero interest, just to impress him since he had pressured me into taking it up or he would leave. 

This is basically my side of the story that nobody gets to hear because I don't have the habit of slamming others. I'm an introvert who keeps to herself until I'm properly provoked to say something. 

You only get to hear his narrative because that's what he wanted people to hear. He secretly admitted to his manipulation behind everyone's back to me, but why was he silent about it on the forum. To save his own pride and ego ? Nice.

The story continues. In the beginning I didn't want a relationship with him so I thought pretending to be older than I was would drive him away. But that didn't work. Because he indirectly implied that I should never have a problem with it. That it didn't matter to him. 

So the relationship continued with all his sweet talk. I had made up my mind that I didn't want him after his initial rejection and drama that he created about it. He was pissed off because I didn't accept his psychedelics clause of the relationship. Why should I? If he wanted it so desperately, why wouldn't he find a woman who likes doing psychedelics. Why be with me and pressure me into lt ?

Next he talked about spirituality. Although I wanted a spiritual partner, I wasn't exactly comfortable with his spiritual perspectives. I don't remember the details (all of this happened in the middle of April just after my diagnosis with BPD and I wasn't in the right frame of mind.) 

 

Edited September 22, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry8/3

So at the time I told him that I wanted a person who was naturally spiritual and not someone who derives his spirituality via psychedelics. His ego was hurt and once again he was talking about breaking off with me. He said spirituality was non-negotiable. I wasn't telling him to not do it ,I was simply disagreeing with his approach. I mean where is my will in this relationship? Everything had to be his way or no way. If anytime I didn't agree with him, he would instantly blackmail me with breaking the relationship. Is this not super controlling and manipulative? Where is the space for my will,needs or concerns in all of this ?

So he broke up with me. The second time.  I was pissed too. I was like fuck off. I was done being a slave to his list of demands and his constant emotional blackmail.

I was moving on peacefully when he came around one more time after rejecting me twice before.

Once again he pretended like he wanted to help me pitying my condition and feeling sorry for me, offering himself, simping again. This time I was having a bad time and feeling especially vulnerable because of some family issues I had been facing (my family wounds were the cause of my BPD ). So he told me that I might be feeling lonely and might need him to talk to. This was all purely his initiation, because I didn't have a single thought about him after I had moved on. So he dropped off his number and told me to call him. I thought he wanted to help me so I called him. He left me no chance to open up about my childhood trauma (which was the real intent of the call) and instead he dominated the conversation by rambling away about Mormons. Next he began texting me. So I thought this was my opportunity to open up about my trauma. this time he again began to talk about some random bullshit. Not once did he suggest me to start talking about my trauma. He once again implied that I was a wonderful person. To that I replied - "you're so sweet." I didn't mean it romantically. I meant it as a compliment for having offered me his number. He immediately said - "are we still attracted to each other ?" Isn't this the same man who had rejected me twice before and pretended that I had been chasing him on the forum and made a big drama out of it ?????" So I felt trapped and helpless. Because here is a man who is trying to help me but at the cost of having me as a girlfriend and wanting to be sexual with me. So I relented because I was super lonely and I wanted someone to talk to. It's like he wanted to help me but in return I must comply to his sexual demands and offer myself sexually to him. So i did. ( Tell me if this is not manipulative of him.)

From my journal entries he knew very well that I was sexually weak. That if he seduced me, I would have no way to resist him. He used sex as a weapon in the relationship to keep me wanting him. But on here he pretended like I was seducing him, when in reality he always initiated anything that was sexual and would demand it even if I wasn't in the mood to want it. But sex was my biggest weakness and he was using it thoroughly to control me. It's like a woman using sex to control a man. It was the reverse in my case, he was using sex to constantly bait me into the relationship and I would relent. He was using my weakness. He treated me like a conquest. 

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry9/3

 

On 9/1/2022 at 11:38 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

Entry9/3

 

               

 

So at the end of the conversation, I was feeling absolutely trapped. He told me that he loves me and he would never leave me, and a bunch of nonsense to string me along. He would never abandon me blah blah blah ...all sweet talk to manipulate me into staying. 

I could not afford to piss him off again ( this was the third time he was baiting me and I had gotten addicted to his sweet talk and I thought he would really help me. Plus I'm BPD which means i get attached too easily to anyone who is being sweet and kind. ) I gave in and considered myself his girlfriend this time. I didn't want a relationship because I was fresh off the breakup from Marc and I didn't want to be abandoned again. Marc and I had drifted apart gradually and he had abandoned me triggering my BPD big time, although he was an absolute gentleman and he didn't play any mind games with me, unlike this guy.)

 

 

 

 

 

On 9/1/2022 at 11:44 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

Entry9/3 continued. 

 

So... now without my willingness I was already his girlfriend. I did not disappoint him. I was nice to him, did whatever he wanted me to. His behaviour and mood changed like the weather in his town. So one day he was bored and decided to break off with me. I was just a slave to his whims and fancies. As usual everything always had to be how he wanted. I told him to stay as a friend. I thought everything was okay now and I moved on quickly. I felt some relief because I didn't have to be his girlfriend anymore.

I began flirting with other guys. I even wrote about imaginary lovers. He wasn't having it. He texted me again and asked if I had a new boyfriend. I said no. Should it matter to him if I have a new boyfriend or not after he had promptly used me sexually and dumped me ??? But no as usual, Mr Egoic Psychedelic Prince has to control everything about my sex Life I guess....? So I told him I had no man in my life, he was kinda relieved to hear that.

A week goes by. I was happy, finally moving on from the dumb manipulative games this man had been playing with me..I thought I had found relief. One day he sent me an angry text suddenly out of the blue.

He was very pissed and butthurt that I had lied to him and double crossed him. His anger reached its highest peak or should I say his ego. He came to me that day and began bashing me for lying to him.  Then he told me that I was also lying about my exes. This was his own invention. I had never lied about my exes. Now he is bipolar and paranoid, so he imagined that everything I said was a lie. Then he proceeded to tell me that it didn't matter that I was lying and he still loved me. His only condition was that I shouldn't be fucked by any other man except him. Wow. All of this after rejecting me three times??? Like how many times is this guy going to play these mind games with me. Then he once again began to get me horny. Seducing and baiting me with sweet talk. I could not resist him,my fault, so I gave in. I was deeply bonded to him because of all the emotional manipulation he had been doing and partly because of my BPD. And zero boundaries which is a part of my trauma. 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

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On 9/1/2022 at 11:58 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

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After that sweet conversation he starts another conversation that veers off into a very strange direction. This time he tells me that he can kill any person he wants to..at first  I was laughing it off. 

Then I asked him if he was planning to hurt me. He said no. That he would never hurt me. Then why was he telling me how physically tough he was ? That he could break my wrist into two halves. He proceeded to tell me that he could make 6 people bleed at a time. He was in the Navy, so I don't know, all I know is that he is physically strong. When I told him that I'm not worried, he said -"you don't know what I can do in anger." Wasn't this an indirect threat. Then he told me that he would skin me alive, dry my skin and turn it into an umbrella. Am I a Jew? Is this the holocaust? Wtf? (He had promised me that he would come to my country at some point and visit me. He had been saving money for that.

At some point in this conversation I had some fear that he would find me and kill me. I don't know why but it was a paranoia fueled by this conversation and deep down I complied to him only out of fear. He is deeply dominating and controlling and because of my trauma I'm deeply attracted to such men..he is very masculine too. )

So I began goofing to kinda play along and told him that I would take a knife and stab his arm a bunch. He laughed at it and told me to slash his throat instead. I was very offended because his neck was my favourite place and I got emotional. I never wanted to kill him, never even entertained such a thought, so I was feeling sick of his twisted fantasy of me slashing his throat. I wanted to abandon the conversation but he wouldn't let me. He asked me to rape him. I told him that I couldn't do something like that. Then he told me some stuff and I asked him if he was raping me. He told me that if he wanted to rape me I could do nothing to stop him. I was feeling a bit weirded out by all this but I complied to his every word because I didn't want to piss him off anymore. I'm a bit of a people pleaser because of my low self esteem and BPD so I did not resist him at all. I could have ended the conversation but like I said I didn't want to piss him off, I could already sense from his violent talk that he was very angry at me. The overall implied meaning  of that conversation was - ”if you double crossed me and slept with another dude, I'm gonna chop you off. " I could sense his possessiveness about me, he wanted me sexually to himself even after rejecting and dumping me. Like wtf. If this is not controlling then what is ? Plus all the indirect machoism and threatening is once again blackmail to keep me with him. Since I had been his girlfriend,I know how he communicates on an intimate level. He talks publicly in a clear logical lucid manner. But privately he talks indirectly, choosing to communicate in metaphors. I have to sit down and interpret all of his indirect talk. Like he doesn't directly say - I love you. He will first throw a hint and wait for me to pick on it. If I don't get his hint,he will then proceed to unpack it for me. He was a shy introvert before and after taking psychedelics he turned into an extrovert. 

Once the conversation ended, I slept off blissfully thinking  that I had complied to all of his demands and that I had cooled off his anger. 

He ended the conversation by saying that he would hold me tightly in his arms  and take a nap. 

 

Entry11/3

On 9/2/2022 at 0:01 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

Entry11/3

 

   

Next day. He texted me again profusely apologizing for all the violent talk of wanting to kill me and the umbrella comment. I forgave him. He was also apologizing for wanting to rape me (as a form of punishment for flirting with other men). I said it was alright, it was his bipolar episode after all.  (Frankly I had no clue as to what part of his conversation was his real intent and what part was his bipolar delusion). Then he once again told me that he cannot continue a relationship with me since he had dumped me too many times and that he didn't really love me.

I was extremely furious. Because he kept switching between "I love you" one day and then "I don't love you" the very next day, driving me insane with his constant manipulation and hot and cold mind games. I had enough of his twisted games and then placing the blame on me instead of taking responsibility and simply using his bipolar as an excuse to emotionally abuse me.

I was fed up and I told him to stop simping and baiting me with his "I love you" games. This time I decided to have a firm boundary and told him to fuck off for good  and not get sexual with me again. He had zero opportunity to have anymore sexy time because I had put an end to it. This was the first time I was firmly rejecting him for good. On his end, this was his fourth rejection. I had enough of his rejections and baiting.

He said that he was jealous if I dated someone else or if someone else wanted to fuck me, and this jealousy is after he had dumped me, like what right or entitlement does he have to be jealous after breaking the relationship??? Am I not free to move on and date others once he breaks up with me ? 

Next day on the forum he made a thread indirectly calling me "low vibrational energy" that he shouldn't deal with, being condescending towards me as though I was some prostitute he fucked in an alley.  Like really ???? If anything, I was a virgin he was trying so hard to seduce, <he would put 3 hours into giving me an orgasm, a lot of hard work right?> and he was the one who was talking about raping me, he was the one who was talking about skinning me alive and turning my skin into an umbrella. And after I complied to everything, I'm low vibrational energy ? Wtf. Like I should take all of his unkind talk, his emotional blackmail, his constant rejections and dumping, his sweet talk and fake simping, his violent outbursts, his bipolar mood swings,  his fantasies of raping and killing and torturing me,his indirect threats,  his jealousy, his unfair possessiveness and after tolerating all of his unkindness I also get labelled as the "bad person" "low quality person" "low vibrational energy," and get psychologically degraded by him. So after tolerating all of his craziness I am being degraded as a human publicly and left to absorb all the humiliation from him. Tell me who wouldn't be absolutely and insanely triggered by this ?

The amount of mind games that anyone would typically play over the course of a year, he played all those games in just a month, driving me to the edge of insanity. I felt like I wanted to be admitted to a psychiatric ward because I was breaking down emotionally with his constant baiting and dumping. Nobody should ever deserve this, at least not an emotional BPD person like me, what had I done wrong to deserve this. All I ever did was open up about my emotional wounds in my journal. And he preyed on it like a shark would hunt a sardine. Totally predatory. He enticed me, baited me sexually, weaponized sex, acted like he was comforting me, abandoned me whenever he wanted to, basically he used me because he wanted to feel desired by a woman and then ruthlessly cut me off without having a care in the world about my feelings. Does anyone act like this with someone they claim to love and support ? Didn't he say that he loved me(multiple times) and that he would never abandon me(multiple times) throughout the relationship ? If he thinks I hurt him, he hurt me 10 times more.. 

Treating me like some prostitute really hit my dignity. This was my last trigger point. I broke down. 

I had taken enough humiliation from him already and he was continuing to add insult to injury. So I decided to call him out on his insane behaviour and told him to get help with some psychiatrist because he had been driving me nuts with his insane Paranoia and misinterpretation of me. 

I never wanted to kill him. And he was calling me a killer on the forum. Is this not insane ?? When in reality he was the one expressing the desire to kill me?

           

 

 

Edited September 22, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry12/3

On 9/2/2022 at 0:03 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

Entry12/3

 

 

i called him fake. it triggered him badly. well obviously I should call him fake because all of his love and simping was a mockery of my emotions. He had taken emotional advantage of an emotionally disordered, mentally ill, traumatized, abused,  woman  for his sexual needs in the name of helping her.  He wanted me as a temporary girlfriend so he could practice his pickup skills on me and manipulate me to see if he can win my affection. He even told me that he first started following Leo because he was desperate to pick up girls. I felt emotionally manipulated and played and dumped and then humiliated. Simping is never innocent, it's a form of manipulation too. Do you see how this can be manipulative? Just because you have your male agenda doesn't mean men can't be manipulative. 

 i began to act weird after that. This was May 17. I was losing my mental balance at this point, i was unable to deal with the mind games he was playing. i was severely addicted to him. he had gotten me addicted to him emotionally. he was on my mind 24/7. i couldn't break off my attachment to him. BPD has severe attachment issues. You have to abandon them slowly not quickly,  otherwise they become unstable. i began to suffer what is known as BPD dissociation. i felt like everything was unreal, i was sleepwalking. i kept saying his name  a million times to myself, even in sleep i was murmuring his name. He had quickly broken off with me, but to break off completely from him was incredibly difficult for me. i needed some time to slowly forget him. (but he was impatient and didn't give a damn about me) he wanted to quickly get over me and be done with it. So in order to not forget him,i copied his profile picture and his journal title. i was amused within me. My intention wasn't to stalk him. I was just trying to have something of him with me, some semblance, some symbol. So i took his profile picture. i wanted his shirt as a memory of our relationship but i couldn't get that. So I took his profile picture. This is like you love a puppy and then you abandon the puppy on the side of the street. And the puppy comes running back and latches on to your door because the puppy doesn't want to feel abandoned and you keep accusing the puppy of stalking. How awful is that !! If doing this to an animal is considered wrong, why is it okay to do this to a human ? Why is it okay to do this to a woman ?

Why is it okay to lead someone on, string them along and then break their heart? Just because he was bored ?  Am I not a human being ? Do I not have feelings ? Why tell me that he loves me if he wasn't really into me ? Because he desired having a girlfriend at the cost of my trust and emotions ????  If my lying hurt him, what about him hurting me with his manipulation? Why is that not sickening? What about all the days I cried over feeling used, played and dumped. 

He put a ton of effort in to winning my trust, and simping me and promptly abandoned me without giving a damn about my feelings. Playing with someone's emotions is okay?

How is his behaviour moral ? 

All of this while I told him that abandoning me could worsen my BPD. Yet he didn't give a single duck about me..why should I give a duck about him then ?

he told Leo that I was stalking him. i was only trying to hold on to whatever that belonged to him. In my mind he was still with me. Initially i didn't want to be his girlfriend and i lied about my age to ward him off. But later he got me hooked with all the emotional and sexual talk. I feared this the most, that's why I was reluctant to  being his girlfriend. I didn't want the consequences of being abandoned, i knew i would become insane if that were to happen.
if he had waited a bit and stayed patient, i would have eventually forgotten him,let him go and moved on..But he made a big fuss out of it and began gossiping and telling everyone that i was stalking him. i even sent a message to him through you to tell him that i never meant any harm. But his Big as a mountain ego wouldn't budge. Mr Egoic Psychedelic Prince that he is.. he kept whining and it was stressing me out. i was trying to cope with everything all at once - the breakup and abandonment, the consequences of his mind games,  BPD dissociation as a result of the abandonment and demonization and accusations of being a stalker. it was my breaking point.

To top it up you were constantly slandering me saying that I had a dozen forum boyfriends, when i had only two relationships of being here at least 3 years, i hadn't seduced any guy, they would simp me and use me as a temporary girlfriend because they never had a woman and I'm kinda submissive and easy to manipulate with sweet talk. it's not okay to emotionally manipulate someone and dump them once your needs are satisfied, its predatory. i was kinda happy with my imaginary boyfriends, there was no need to seduce me. And then hurt me. Those mind games hurt too.

 

              

 

 

 

Entry14/3

On 9/2/2022 at 1:04 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

Entry14/3

 

      

I kept telling him that he needed to relax and that i wasn't stalking him. He dragged it from mid May to the whole of June. i decided that it was best to leave the forum because he wouldn't stop complaining. i had stopped copying him long ago. But he started the same " she is stalking me " drama again on June 15. Its like he couldn't and wouldn't stop reading my journals. it was so simple. i had slowly began to dissolve my attachment to him. i succeeded and i had stopped thinking about him altogether. But he was still paranoid about me.

i made a post about Dragon. he thought it was about him. it wasn't about him at all. He was super paranoid at all times. i simply didnt have the freedom to write anything i wanted.

anything and everything i wrote, his paranoid mind thought it was about him.

 he simply couldn't stop reading about me. in some ways he was obsessed with me. he couldn't let me go completely. he rejected me so many times and kept coming back until i put a full stop to it. i mean that should tell you how much he thought about me .

Even in the relationship, he had put a massive amount of effort to keep me around. He kept me hooked on as much as he could. None of my exes put this level of effort in keeping me. 

although he did all that, he also gave me a hard time with his mind games, manipulative ways and destructive ways. 

I give him credit for getting me interested in psychedelics. They were good things about him like he taught me some spiritual stuff. He also helped me understand bipolar people better and cultivate empathy for them although I won't date bipolar people again because bipolar and BPD complicate one another a bit. 

The whole experience with his behaviour left me feeling bitter, vulnerable, played, betrayed, abandoned, hurt, fearful, weak, humiliated, demonized, frustrated, and unable to trust anyone again. He knows how to play victim and meticulously hide his own role in hurting others. It's almost like he just cannot see what he does. 

I don't give a flying duck if I lied to him. He probably deserved it anyway for all the manipulative games he played. For all the stuff he did, whatever I did was too minor in comparison. He had no right to break my trust. 

 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

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On 9/2/2022 at 1:07 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

 

Entry15/3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 22, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

Entry16/3

On 9/2/2022 at 1:27 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

Entry 16/3

 

 

I'm thinking of death and silence. 

The subject of suicide is too close and personal.

I don't think life is worth living.

 

I can only belong to the one who wants me to belong to them.

The one who truly wants me. 

I always had this feeling that I should belong to someone. 

My partner is someone who owns me and accepts me for who I am. Who sees my beauty. Who deeply embraces me..

I feel like the whole world is full of vampires and vultures. 

And there is no escape.

Who can I belong to ?

 

Why do I feel like life is meaningless?

Why do I feel like humanity is full of miseries?

Why do I feel like people can never truly love each other and that any love or display of love is a farce ?

James is telling me that there's only one love , self love .

I don't agree with him tho.

. 

I want to feel free. I feel like I want to die. End this life. Because what's the point ? Anyway.

I don't find anything interesting. 

I don't find anything beautiful.

Do I need James ?

I mean life looks boring to me. 

I don't like anything at all.

Feels like no amount of sweetness can cure me. 

I have begun to hate humanity.  

I just don't feel alright. 

I don't feel the same anymore.

What's the point of this life - only suffer slowly and die ?

Thank goodness I never took marriage seriously. I never married and never had kids. I didn't have to subject them to the torture called life.

I mean I had a shitty childhood and then shitty teenage years. Only struggle. Then an adult life that's boring. And relationships that were fickle.  People forgetting, abandoning..

It felt like , who am I living for?

Sometimes I just want to be murdered and or die in an accident. Then all of this will come to an end.

Nothing fulfills me.

 

I feel like much of my life was just suffering. I don't want another birth.

 

 

Entry17/3

On 9/2/2022 at 1:29 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

Entry17/3

 

 

I woke up feeling nauseous.

 

 

So I just threw up..and I have been feeling weak and restless again..my anxiety got the better of me.

My biggest mistake was falling in love again and trusting people.

I feel like I want to be surrounded by protective arms.

In my dream I saw a bald guy and who was being very arrogant. He came to our house. We offered him several yellow Hats. I am not sure the purpose these hats served. But I wanted to offer him those and he wouldn't take them.

I felt tensed. Frightened. Anxious.

 

 

I woke up feeling like I didn't deserve to be treated the way I was all my life. Who is haunting me ?

 

I feel deeply traumatized by my experiences. I want to die. And bury all the trauma.

 

I'm not made for this life, for this world. 

I felt like I was surrounded by enemies.

I just don't feel okay 

 

I don't like my life. I don't like this world. I don't like anything. And I'm still trying to figure out why I hate my life..

Dear Emily .....

Everything is going to be alright in the end.

I was crying yesterday. I was feeling nervous.

I just don't know how to deal with this world and it's problems. I don't know how to deal with life.

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry18/3

On 9/2/2022 at 1:32 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

Entry18/3

Today is Monday, July 25. 7am 

 

And a new day has to begin. I'm still struggling to come up with a reason to live. I cannot live without a purpose. All morning I've been thinking why I should live. 

Everything in this world seems to be wrong and bizzare. Of course life is never perfect

 

Should I just nick myself because I don't fit into this planet ? Because nobody would find me truly desirable? Why is social approval so important ? Why should it matter whether we date, marry and have children? What happens to those who are disadvantaged and cannot live like others ?

This world seems to be dominated by narcissists and psychopaths and they seem to take the cake all the time. Everything turns out good for them. They win in life. They have a good life with no effing problems. They make money, climb the ladder, get awesome partners, their family life is cool and they succeed in getting social recognition, they're loved, accepted, they get wealthier.

 

I wanted a good life. .......a life that I always deserved 

 

 

 

Entry19/3

On 9/2/2022 at 1:34 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

 

Entry19/3

 

Today is 

10:27 pm

Sunday, 24 July 2022

Alaska time.

 

I'm kinda stage green. And stage green always loves to complain. They don't want to work too hard for stuff.

But there's both an  evolutionary advantage and disadvantage to this entitlement. The disadvantage is that you never have to work hard, you turn into a soft lollipop who can't fight or survive through adverse situations because you never learned a damn skill. 

The advantage being that we create a society of fewer expectations,this means less stress, less stress means better heart health and better survival.

From an evolutionary perspective better heart health is great for long term survival of the species.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

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On 9/2/2022 at 1:44 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

.. 

Entry20/3

 

I want to talk about human trafficking. I really want to keep talking about this. Because this topic has deeply touched my heart.

The viciousness and gaslighting by society. 

 

What's wrong with the world ?

 

Sex trafficking in Ohio. Being shipped across the border. 

First, it's generally young girls as young as 14/15 who are the general demographic of the victims of sex trafficking.

Another significant feature of sex trafficking is being branded usually on the back. Prostitution is mostly misunderstood.

She was 19 years old. He got his name tattooed on her back as a sign of loyalty. 

She had the word puta carved on her which means whore or hooker in Spanish.

Even her family members did wrong things to her. She would get drunk to escape the pain of reality. She says she was always operating in survival mode. The only thing she wanted to do was survive.

I grew up with massive childhood trauma and everyday was just survival. So I know what she meant by survival mode.

Children of trauma..

We also need some healing water.

 

So continuing with the story.

She was in survival mode. This is a distinct characteristic of trauma sufferers. 

Victim 2.

Her step dad was an alcoholic. She grew up in a violent home. Mother had a lot of health problems and she was prescribed a lot of pain medication. She woke up to go to school one day and found her mom dead. Her mom had shot herself. 

She was addicted to pain medication and suffering withdrawals and took her life because of it.

Victim 2 was mad at the world. Mad at herself. It is understandable that losing a mother at young age can be a terribly traumatizing experience that will lead to loss of sense of security, feelings of abandonment, feelings of loss and despair and anxiety over the loss of a protector. This can cause instability and lack of foundation or structure in life. This can lead to low self esteem and feelings of insecurity and vulnerability. This can lead to depression. Suicidal feelings. Self destruction.

Victim 2 began experimenting with marijuana and ecstacy. This could be a coping mechanism..

One of her boyfriends began using and dealing drugs and she got hooked on pain pills.

By age 19 she was using heroin

 

She was having abusive boyfriends. And she always thought that she would never allow a man to put his hands on her, yet she allowed these men to get physical with her if they asked her for forgiveness and told her they loved her. She fed off that.

Now in many self destructive scenarios with women, it's a common theme or a recurring theme that they often want someone to love them and accept them to cope with their self destructive behaviour. It's almost as though they can't function without love. This is consistent with losing a parent/guardian figure at an early stage in life. Such people need someone's love to thrive on in order to drop self destructive behaviours. In other words they simply cannot love themselves unless they are wanted by someone. This is the crux of the problem. This is where they attract abusers out of dependency. A form of codependency I would say.

And it's not like the image that's sold on TV, like a rich man wearing a coat and fur selling women. It could be anyone including a boyfriend or family members like a step dad, it happens in the backyard.

Special mention - Jennifer Kempton(women of inspiration, bright, brilliant and beautiful).

 

 

 

 

Jennifer Kempton was a survivor of human trafficking who used her experience to promote awareness and advocate for social change.  During her horrific time on the streets she was branded and sold by her abusers. After obtaining her freedom, these marks became constant reminders of her abuse until she was given a gift of a tattoo cover-up.  The liberation she experienced through covering her brands inspired her to found Survivor’s Ink.   

Jennifer died in 2017.

The two main missions of Survivor’s Ink are to connect survivors to resources and to cover the marks of ownership and violence given to them by their traffickers.

Jennifer is missed dearly.

 

Back to main story...

Human trafficking....it's never on your radar. you never imagine it will happen in your backyard.

Like slave owners, traffickers brand their victims and force them into getting tattoos. Offensive degrading tattoos generally either phrases like "whore" or names of the trafficker to signal that the captive  woman is their private property. Most of these women are held captive in hotel rooms or shady cheap motels. Or sometimes it's not physical bondage or force but mental manipulation and coercion and threatening that keeps the victim bound to the traffickers. 

 

Ohio is one of the worst states for sex trafficking. Many women are trafficked from their own neighborhoods..

There's a place called as Grace Heaven.

Gracehaven stands in the gap with them with a residential facility -- one of the only licensed residential group homes for sex-trafficked minors in Ohio.

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

Entry9/3

 

So at the end of the conversation, I was feeling absolutely trapped. He told me that he loves me and he would never leave me, and a bunch of nonsense to string me along. He would never abandon me blah blah blah ...all sweet talk to manipulate me into staying. 

I could not afford to piss him off again ( this was the third time he was baiting me and I had gotten addicted to his sweet talk and I thought he would really help me. Plus I'm BPD which means i get attached too easily to anyone who is being sweet and kind. ) I gave in and considered myself his girlfriend this time. I didn't want a relationship because I was fresh off the breakup from Marc and I didn't want to be abandoned again. Marc and I had drifted apart gradually and he had abandoned me triggering my BPD big time, although he was an absolute gentleman and he didn't play any mind games with me, unlike this guy.)

 

Edited September 23, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry9/3

 

So... now without my willingness I was already his girlfriend. I did not disappoint him. I was nice to him, did whatever he wanted me to. His behaviour and mood changed like the weather in his town. So one day he was bored and decided to break off with me. I was just a slave to his whims and fancies. As usual everything always had to be how he wanted. I told him to stay as a friend. I thought everything was okay now and I moved on quickly. I felt some relief because I didn't have to be his girlfriend anymore.

I began flirting with other guys. I even wrote about imaginary lovers. He wasn't having it. He texted me again and asked if I had a new boyfriend. I said no. Should it matter to him if I have a new boyfriend or not after he had promptly used me sexually and dumped me ??? But no as usual, Mr Egoic Psychedelic Prince has to control everything about my sex Life I guess....? So I told him I had no man in my life, he was kinda relieved to hear that.

A week goes by. I was happy, finally moving on from the dumb manipulative games this man had been playing with me..I thought I had found relief. One day he sent me an angry text suddenly out of the blue.

He was very pissed and butthurt that I had lied to him and double crossed him. His anger reached its highest peak or should I say his ego. He came to me that day and began bashing me for lying to him.  Then he told me that I was also lying about my exes. This was his own invention. I had never lied about my exes. Now he is bipolar and paranoid, so he imagined that everything I said was a lie. Then he proceeded to tell me that it didn't matter that I was lying and he still loved me. His only condition was that I shouldn't be fucked by any other man except him. Wow. All of this after rejecting me three times??? Like how many times is this guy going to play these mind games with me. Then he once again began to get me horny. Seducing and baiting me with sweet talk. I could not resist him,my fault, so I gave in. I was deeply bonded to him because of all the emotional manipulation he had been doing and partly because of my BPD. And zero boundaries which is a part of my trauma. 

 

Edited September 23, 2022 by Tyler Robinson