How to deal with the death of old friendships?

[Roy]

I have noticed I have held onto some negative emotions for a long time that feels like some sort of blockage. It's related around old friends I used to have growing up, around childhood and my formative teenage years. I guess I am posting this to find some advice from older people who have gone through this kind of experience and know how to deal with it, because so far I have not found a way to move past it. I am more just coping but sometimes find myself seething in resentment, guilt, and other uncomfortable and needless emotions.

There are a handful of friends I was extremely close to, that I grew up with and had all my formative and coming of age experiences with. We saw each other basically every day, went to school together, went to parties together, shared everything together. Including blood and other bodily fluids probably . Of course however, as time passes and we graduated and moved around we grew apart. Adult and work life limited our time together, visits happened less, we changed as people, our values changed, and eventually stopped talking.

I can understand that people start to lead their own lives and form new peer groups, but I noticed that even checking or creating an opportunity to "catch up" seems difficult. Even just over the phone or video chat. We still have all the contact information to get a hold of each other. It's not like we got lost in the ether and don't know how to find each other.

In some cases it's been many years since I've talked to some of them, or either of us has only reached out to say "happy birthday" on FaceBook. In most cases though (and this is what pisses me off and disturbs me the most), is that I noticed it's always ME who has to initiate contact and get in touch. In a small minority and close to zero cases has anyone tried asking how I am doing. This makes me question just how important this friendship actually was to them, if they even valued it the same way I did.

It's makes my head spin. Do they think I'm a loser? Am I an annoying person? Is this how people usually behave as they get older? I'm not exactly a social butterfly but I like to think I'm pretty thoughtful in my relationships. I remember really subtle things that nobody usually does, and I care to make gestures that are authentic and not just obligations. I'm not hoping to resurrect the friendships back to the level they were at all, because I now live thousands of kilometers away. But just acknowledging each others existence again would be nice. Nearly every time I'm met with silence, or lazy attempts at communicating.

As time has gone on these emotions have swelled like waves. At this point I'm just jaded and cynical and it makes me feel extremely resentful and not wanting to form deeper connections with newer people because, what's the point? I still have some close friends I talk to quite a bit but they are all mostly online. I genuinely cannot remember the last time I made a friend in real life in the flesh, that wasn't a girlfriend/partner. Just a regular friend.

Anyways I'll probably update and edit this post later. I can't type anymore.

Edited September 22, 2022 by Roy

[Devin]

I've been on the other end, I've moved on from my friends from those years, and turned away from opportunities to re-engage. I love them and wish them the best but we have chosen different lives that don't mix.

Since you appear to desire to maintain a relationship, I suggest keeping your line in the water, don't invest in it, but I imagine they will reciprocate one day and when you rekindle it will be stronger than ever do to the boomerang effect of you living apart. But the rekindling process will take time as well, you're different people, don't put pressure on it, let them come to you, always be sure they see the open door, but don't offer candy

Edited September 22, 2022 by Devin

[soos_mite_ah]

@Roy I've been dealing with this issue for years now and I've been reflecting about this recently on how this is something that I finally have come to a resolution to in my own life. Idk to what extent it will resonate and to what extent it will help but I just thought I'd share this. 

On 9/21/2022 at 7:40 PM, Roy said:

I have noticed I have held onto some negative emotions for a long time that feels like some sort of blockage. It's related around old friends I used to have growing up, around childhood and my formative teenage years. I guess I am posting this to find some advice from older people who have gone through this kind of experience and know how to deal with it, because so far I have not found a way to move past it. I am more just coping but sometimes find myself seething in resentment, guilt, and other uncomfortable and needless emotions.

There are a handful of friends I was extremely close to, that I grew up with and had all my formative and coming of age experiences with. We saw each other basically every day, went to school together, went to parties together, shared everything together. Including blood and other bodily fluids probably . Of course however, as time passes and we graduated and moved around we grew apart. Adult and work life limited our time together, visits happened less, we changed as people, our values changed, and eventually stopped talking.

I feel like a lot of this, granted there is no other drama or messiness involved, is a natural part of growing up. I think that especially when you're in your teens and twenties that people are incredibily dynamic in the way that everyone is growing at different paces, directions, and ways entirely. Because of varying factors ranging from our peer groups who lack life experience, to the way that movies and TV portray friendships, to the way that older people sometimes talk about friendships , there is this notion that friends are forever and your real friends will be the ones who stick with you til the end. I have personally found according to my life experience that this is not the case and honestly, you can have real, genuine, fulfilling connections and they might just drift a part for whatever reason that is not either of y'all's fault. Because again, everyone is growing in different ways and doing different thigns in their lives. And in my opnion, it's unfair that people should always stick to one another since we all deserve to grow into the people we're meant to become, even if it means that we grow apart. 

And just because you grow apart, doesn't mean you won't one day grow back together again. I've had friendships where I have gotten to a place where I had to go do my own thing for a few years and then reconnect with people. I have friend groups where we go through different seasons and different people are closer to others at different times. And just like the seasons, it circles back again. Just because a season with someone has passed doesn't mean that afterwards yall aren't close anymore and the relationship is dead. Rather, sometimes it means that it's an off season and you're better off nuturing other relationships or other areas of your life for a little while. 

On 9/21/2022 at 7:40 PM, Roy said:

In some cases it's been many years since I've talked to some of them, or either of us has only reached out to say "happy birthday" on FaceBook. In most cases though (and this is what pisses me off and disturbs me the most), is that I noticed it's always ME who has to initiate contact and get in touch. In a small minority and close to zero cases has anyone tried asking how I am doing. This makes me question just how important this friendship actually was to them, if they even valued it the same way I did.

I kind of had a similar issue as well and I still find myself sometimes feeling a little bitter when I find myself being the main one to reach out. But something that has helped me  is voicing that concern by quite literally saying that "hey I really like hanging out with you and I feel like otherwise we have a healthy dynamic but I often find myself being the one that reaches out more often and that makes me uncomfortable at times because it feels unequal and I'm afraid of being in a situation where it's not reciprocal." And see what they say and how they react. If they were doing this unintentionally, they will start being the ones to reach out more often. The reason why it's sometimes unintentional is because sometimes we get used to a certain dynamic (i.e. you being the one to initiate) to where that feels like the norm and expectation and they just get into a pattern of eventually expecting you to reach out instead of feeling like they need to be more proactive about it.

On 9/21/2022 at 7:40 PM, Roy said:

It's makes my head spin. Do they think I'm a loser? Am I an annoying person? Is this how people usually behave as they get older? I'm not exactly a social butterfly but I like to think I'm pretty thoughtful in my relationships. I remember really subtle things that nobody usually does, and I care to make gestures that are authentic and not just obligations. 

And it isn't anything about selfishness or expecting you to do all the work, sometimes it's about going along with a pattern that was previously established and not really made conscious. They most likely don't think you're a loser or that you're annoying. As far as obligations go, I apologize if this is too obvious, but I find that as I get older I have to full on slot people into my google calander as an appointment of sorts on a regular basis to ensure that I'm nurturing that relatinship (i.e. every Sunday at 6:30pm and on wards I'm talking to friend X on the phone or facetime). I'm pretty sure teenage me would see this as less spontaneous and kind of like an obligation and as a result less authentic but at this stage of my life, if anything I see this as pretty authentic as I am carving out time for a person on a regular basis. 

I wouold also look into your attachment style. Sure that whole thing is often refered to romantic relationships but honestly, I guess because of the way my life has gone, I have greatly benefitted from healing my attachment style particularly when it comes to platonic relationships. At the end of the day human relationships are human relationships and odds are if you are anxiously attached in romantic situations, some of that likely bleeds into your friendships as well. 

[StarStruck]

That is part of getting old so get use to it. I’m not saying you are old by the way. It is just life. It is really about how you interpret it. Sometimes I also take it personally but then I remind myself I’m doing the same to people: I’m just busy with my own shit and I just don’t feel the vibe. 

[universe]

Accept & Let Go

Integrating Emotions.

The situation won't change, but you are. Going from grief, anger, sadness to courage, acceptance, completeness.

 

Is there a lack of friendship or an abundance of friendship?

Whatever you believe will become reality.