There's something vital I wanted to get off my chest regarding sex..

[pfletcha]

                                                                                                                                                                                                                             so I'm 33 years old and have never been comfortable having sex with a girl unless I was notably intoxicated (alcohol, opiates, etc...) and even then the conditions had to be just right (not too fucked up, decent connection with the chick, good looks, etc....) or else Im good as fucked: At some point my anxiety just takes over to the point where I dissociate and can't feel anything down there for the remainder of the evening... 

            Well as of about 8 months ago I began opting for the (mostly ) sober and best version of Philip I could possibly be...the adulting has steadily paid off i believe.. have  received a lot more female attention in recent times, including two opportunities for intimacy! yet again and again i feel, this feels like some freak forbidden act to me.  Will usually start off greatly aroused , in sync with her, touching, making out... then right when it comes time to do the deed, a voice in my head kinda tells me that this is some sort of advanced activity for grownups, what the fuck do you think you're doing, etc?? 

         You couldn't possibly fathom the frustration I've been through with this sex balogna through the years, like holy mary mother of fuck!  Would estimate that I've had sex less than 50 times in my life ; could count on maybe 3 hands the number of times I've actually enjoyed sex without completely stressing the entire time and thinking myself into a deep dark hole... it tortures my fucking guts out having to hear about other people being happy ever day , in love, having sex casual or otherwise, etc.  I honestly believe that the lack of sex and intimacy has been one of the if not the major contributing force of my issues with addiction, depression, etc.

Has anyone else struggled with sex/intimacy to this degree? It's one thing to get rejected (which believe me, am incredibly well versed in too!) but this not being able to perform makes me feel like a freak of nature, or at least something thats positively less than a man.  I'm too afraid to bring this kind of personal shit up to people in real life, so I appreciate the opportunity to vent here again . Thanks

Edited September 21, 2022 by pfletcha

[nowornever21]

maybe a threesome with another male or female so you can see/ feel how they are in the moment and enjoying themselves which in theory may help plant ideas in your head to enjoy your self too.

[BlessedLion]

That sounds rough man… do you watch porn? If so, cut that out. Also look into Semen Retention. This will help readjust your natural sexuality in a healthy way. Look up Tantric excercises for Men. 
 

Also I highly suggest you just get a sex therapist. You sound like you have a lot of blocks and beliefs around sexuality and a trained professional will likely help you. 
 

This is def a problem worth fixing. 

[Holymoly]

Im 25 and relate to this allot it agree its incredibly painful/ torturous hearing about other people especially younger having all of these experiences. All i can say is you're not alone and i know what this can do to your sense of manhood and self esteem 

[Federico del pueblo]

@pfletcha

Sounds like there must have been either some kind of trauma OR long-term social conditioning regarding sex (typically received from your parents), so that you ended up with these unhelpful emotions and beliefs.

Do you remember what your very first sexual experiences were like or whether there were any significant other negative experiences that could have affected your sexual confidence? Like for example if you get repeatedly shamed for your body as a boy you could create certain emotional problems that will affect your sexuality.

The problem with these emotional issues regarding sex is that they create this vicious cycle of negative experiences which lead to negative emotional responses (and beliefs) that will affect your next experience in a negative way and so on.

So you should definitely research different techniques for trauma release or "trigger reduction" (working with emotional triggers) because it seems like your brain has learnt to associate sexuality with stress and fear and thus any sexual situation (or maybe even just thoughts about sex with a new girl) puts you in this negative emotional state.

How is it actually when you know you have a date at home with a new girl? Does that already create anxiety?

Anyway, I had similar issues. For me working with Emotional freedom techniques (aka tapping) has worked really well, because it allows you to very specifically target these triggers of anxiety around sex and thus over time the negative emotions just get resolved which then allows good states to take over (arousal, relaxation etc.).

And yeah, in case you watch p*rn, please get rid of that because in cases like yours this will typically add to the anxiety and emotional weirdness, you're basically watching other guys doing things with girls that you're currently not capable of doing, which will likely program your subconscious mind in an unhelpful way. Instead do "healthy masturbation" in which you just use your own imagination (maybe picturing a girl from RL or a imaginary one).

Let me know if anything is unclear.

Edited September 22, 2022 by Federico del pueblo

[Holymoly]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICf0zFY2ocE&ab_channel=DevarajSandberg

this might help 

[Nilsi]

I don't see how you are going to get out of this any other way than through massiv exposure. Go out and sleep with as many women as possible, until you no longer feel weird about it.

[pfletcha]

 sorry for the delay y’all, been out sick and not so thrilled to discuss this horrific subject …swear to fuck , sometimes  i wish  sex didn’t even exist ..

-It was never really discussed in our home growing up , but it wasn’t exactly condemned either … just had this forbidden air to it , guess you could say (only child to southern baptist boomers …) Penis, vagina , tits , etc were never used , you get the idea. 

regardless , I wasn’t getting any until the ripe old age of 21 , so from the very start have had the issue of “locking up” and impotency …”im not worthy “ or “she’s not worthy” or even as simple as “am I actually going all the way in there ?”along with my nerves feeling shot/detached from sensory input/depersonalization/what have you . 
 

 there is also this immense pain in my 2nd chakra/prostate area that gets lit up with pain , I mean it’s something I deal with randomly as is , but the pain is especially awful (think kidney stone) when I’m undergoing a major awakening/shift  in kundalini/chi , or when I’ve just gone soft for the night … take from all that what you will .

     “when you know you have a date at home with a new girl? Does that already create anxiety?”

 Oh yeah lol. Because even from the start I can tell im weaving my way directly into another self fulfilling prophecy/failure ! 

As far as body image issues…yes until quite recently , I had gynecomastia or enlarged male breasts for most of my life . and while my case was relatively minor , would say it drove me up the wall mentally and physically (particularly in public ) to the degree where I couldn’t even tolerate wearing certain clothing textures, would just feel this outline of my nipples/chest and yeah I would say it contributed to my low self esteem and feelings of manhood. But I got that fixed at least 

“How is it actually when you know you have a date at home with a new girl? Does that already create anxiety?”
 -there is always this underlying tension that I’m not going to be in the right “space” to stay hard and go all the way with her / score . What sucks even worse is that even when I do get going, I tend to get caught off guard and instantly lose my load …the only workaround I’ve ever known has been just the right amount of alcohol ,or a medium/small dose of opiates… but  that isn’t an option anymore. 
 

funnily enough I haven’t watched porn in ages …yet itsmark was made on me early on, and I do believe it’s some evil shit, for better or worse …I mean just think about all the years going through high school and first couple years of college,having to watch from the sidelines as everybody else got to enjoy themselves ..in this case porn just becomes this sick void you can fall into , but I digress …pretty sure It did program me to get myself off asap. Meaning that I feel that porn is to blame for at least some of those times I was aroused and then instantly either went flat , or wanted to just get it all over with asap ..

hope I’ve made myself somewhat clear tonight !

Edit : sorry , realized I answered dudes question twice . It works out 

Edited September 25, 2022 by pfletcha

[Leo Gura]

Sounds like you're getting too much in your head and have performance anxiety.

Relax, breathe, and enjoy the whole process.

Pop a Cialis to boost your confidence. And then RELAX!

Edited September 25, 2022 by Leo Gura

[Tyler Robinson]

7 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Sounds like you're getting too much in your head and have performance anxiety.

Relax, breathe, and enjoy the whole process.

Pop a Cialis to boost your confidence. And then RELAX!

What do you do when you are anxious? 

 

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITvCEeHWXuM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9K-HA9Cb40