When the mind literally rapes you

[LSD-Rumi]

I have been experiencing this phenomenon which I call now "The mind rape" for many years now. It consists of your own mind attacking you with all sorts of negative ways of thinking and looking at life, filling you with all sorts of negative feelings, like rage, weakness, confusion and sadness. My mind raped me a lot in the last couple of years, I was being raped on a daily basis, multiple times a day and I couldn't stop it. You see, when this negative mind gets some sort of authority over you and you give it this authority, it owns you, you cannot stop it, becuase it has the authority, like it is the truth. It always made  me not trust myself, feel weak, not trust my beliefs and philosophies. It totally destroyed me, and caused many mental illnesses in me. 

The scientific name for this phenomenon is Pure O OCD.

I don't know exactly why I developed this kind of disease, but it was ( and still is) really brutal. 

[Tristan12]

Your mind must have some sort of good reason for doing that, I doubt that it's just trying to hurt you. It would be interesting to explore that through the lens of parts work or IFS

[LSD-Rumi]

@Tristan12 I feel like it wants to protect me by beating me up, like a dad who beats his little kid to become stronger, ironically making him even weaker. It is so twisted. 

Edited September 21, 2022 by LSD-Rumi

[Tristan12]

@LSD-Rumi Yeah, it sounds similar to how the self-critic works. When a person constantly criticizes themselves and talks down to themselves, its a part of them that is replicating what parents or other people have said to them early in their lives for the sake of trying to keep them from doing anything wrong, to keep them from being shamed or disapproved of by people, and as a result keep them safe.

This sounds like a more severe and extensive version of that. When you talk about the negative emotions you're experiencing that also sounds like a part of you that is really hurt and is crying out for help.

You say that its OCD. I don't know that much about that so i'm not sure exactly what it is that you have (if it's more than just what you described of lots of overwhelming negative thoughts and emotions), but what I do know is that its generally a good idea to treat any kind of mental or emotional issue with the assumption that your mind/every part of you is on your side, its not trying to hurt you, and it is doing whatever it's doing for a good reason. If you don't understand why your mind is doing this or what positive intention it could possibly have, just know that odds are that it truly isn't trying to hurt you, and it will make things much easier for you to deal with if you see and approach yourself and your emotions with this assumption. This way you won't be fighting yourself and trying to eradicate this part of yourself and instead you will be a lot more compassionate and understanding. 

There is probably some deep healing that needs to happen, but developing compassion towards these parts of yourself, releasing resistance to them, and not thinking of it as a disease/something wrong with you is probably the best way to deal with it in the mean time.

[LSD-Rumi]

@Tristan12 Yeah, I am very critical of myself. Like super critical, maybe spirituality made me this way and the ego hijacked it. 

[thepixelmonk]

Don't really want to directly say this is what you're doing, but if this kind of stuff were happening to me I'd probably interpret it as my ego trying to externalize blame and create excuses for not doing the hard internal work I know I should be. That's just generally how I interpret negative thoughts and feelings.

Edited September 21, 2022 by thepixelmonk

[Epikur]

I think that is why meditation is so important. Calming the mind is easier than fighting it

[LSD-Rumi]

@thepixelmonk To be honest I get really annoyed by your comment, the ego is controlling me these days  

Anyways, I don't think it is like that. I do have an underlying mental illness, and my brain behaves different than most people. It all began when I started doing philosophy. I used to do it 24/7 and reach all these juicy insights about life and everything. But then I developed OCD, my brain started making me doubt all my philosophies despite I know they are The truth. It then started bullying me too.