___ b_sex

[Tyler Robinson]

 

                   

Right now there is romantic music playing in the background at my neighbors. . And my romantic heart is fluttering. 

Accommodate me in your strong arms please. 

My heart yearns. I want more of your ice cream (of all kind ). 

You take me to a different place. Away from the human race and World. 

The air of sensuality

And feelings of sexuality

You're my sunshine 

Who extends his ray beams onto my soul’s mess

When we have sex 

And we spill our secrets. In between lovers sheets.. That I know only you will keep

This dream I’ll keep dreaming

 

                

Edited November 17, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

                        

I'm a heart bird and a love bird.  I like love, sex, romance, tantra, and intimacy. 

It fills me with wanting and craving. 

I'm the eternal romance bird. 

I feel so horny right now. 

 

                

 

Edited November 18, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

                  

I think the time has come to explore sexuality seriously at least in terms of spirituality. 

I can see so many similarities between sex and the universe. 

I wrote about this in the other journal. It was the inspiration for this journal. 

The universe as a primordial body arising from nothing and then suddenly exploding into creation. And the same goes for sex. Sex begins with nothing and then proceeds into climax and an explosion of feelings and of course the end result being fertilization. 

It's the same way. Everything is tantric. 

                       

 

Edited November 17, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

                 

 

I love the way you are. 

 

Touching my sexy body so smooth. You're an image if greatness.  

 

My fantasies of you and me joining in erotic pleasures. You're properly made to seduce me in the freakiest mindset. My lips touches your soft skin, travels inch by inch. Your lips on mine. 

 

As I prepare you for what comes next,

properly displayed in this text.

. Kissing me softly on my pussy. Juices in you flowing into me. Tongue kissing me in place of dialogue. 

 

press your face deep into me. 

Suck my nipples, while fucking me in

this sexual session. 

                   

 

Edited November 17, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

                     

 

Sex is such an intimate act. An act of submission and surrender. 

It's beautiful when two people can be so deeply intimate. You can have all that pillow talk.  It's a novel experience. You forget all the worries of the world. Everything is all energy. Energy of two bodies fusing into one. 

Sex is when someone loves you deeply. You fuck like rabbits 

 

.                             

Edited November 17, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

                       

 

It is not your conversation. That keeps me entertained. But rather the way you look at me. That makes me feel sustained. It's the curve of your lips. 
And the curl of your hair. It is not your intelligence that drew me close to you. 
It is not your sense of humour. It's the touch of your hand. 
And the thoughts in your head... 
It is all of the little things. The things that don't get said. It's not your vivid history. That's made me fall in love
It's not your comprehension. Of the world or what's above. It is your soft temperament. And the way you smile at me. It's not when we are talking
That I want to know some more
It is the time we spend alone. And the time in utter silence. That form a strong alliance

It's not the job you work so hard
That shows your true commitment
It's not your crazy habits my lovely heart. 

It is the way you use your hands(on me)
Oops.. And the way I have been chosen

Why I know silence is golden

          

Edited November 18, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Even a damn hoodie makes me horny. Lol

[Tyler Robinson]

 

                  

 

When you have an intimate conversation and relationship, it's the most beautiful thing in the world.  You create space for love and understanding. That's all we really need to get by in life. We need each other. We need intimacy to know each other. This is sex. It's life. Without sex there is nothing. Sex and spirituality have a connection. Because both are about intimacy. All conflicts are gone during sex. It's free. It's liberating. All differences resolved. It's the most intimate connection. I feel like sex is teaching me something, something deep. Like I need to accept all the harshness in this world, that would make my journey easier. Being intimate is the only way you can truly be yourself.  You can be truly free in your self expression. You can simply be yourself. This is where healing begins, because when you're intimate, you aren't judged anymore.  You are loved in intimacy. You're made to feel secure. You can be you without all manipulations, you can be free, away from the world, you can say whatever you want, just anything. You can say anything. It's such a relief because finally you can feel free and not stressed out anymore. You can feel healed. You can vent out, let out. It's like deep talk therapy with a psychiatrist. It's one of the reasons why sex is so therapeutic, it can literally cure anything in the world. Do you want something that can simply cure your brain right now, a powerful cure that energizes each and every cell in your brain, that creates a beautiful garden, now I understand what Buddha meant by a beautiful garden, sex is a ginormous about of energy activated. It's an extreme release, it is this intimacy. It creates a beautiful feeling in the brain, like pure bliss, a strong protection against psychic attacks, it's almost like giving a cleansing bath to your brain computer. Sexual healing. There is just no repression. Absolute freedom. 

When you feel this release, this powerful free self expression, it's the deepest release of all held up swallowed karmas, everything rises to the surface. You feel absolute surrender and peace. If your mind is, even for a minute, held in a rapture of sudden pleasure, release, surrender and absolute understanding, you become liberated for a minute, you reach a different mental state, a state of pleasure and joy and in this state you feel rapture and you feel free, in this state, nothing bothers you anymore, survival looks lame, people seem petty, you do care about life but you aren't as affected. You feel healed, all tensions thrown out and then you come to homeostasis. 

There is no repression. Your deepest feelings are confronted. You only talk to yourself. There is no more manipulation of your sentiment or feeling. Just rotate your fingers in a circle around your breast. 

There is no hurt and no room for hurt during an intimate session. This is where healing begins. It's the same as self love. When someone knows you inside out, it's like you're loving yourself. If somebody asked you to describe how you look, it's difficult without a mirror, but with a mirror it's much easier, when you love yourself, it feels hard like a routine, but when you are loved, it's much easier. It's like medicine given  to children with a sugar pill. It digests better.  Same way. There is a sweetened elegance and ease when someone loves you intimately. And when they do understand you thoroughly, it's like self love, the only difference being someone else is loving you as though you are loving yourself. It's like a twin mate who understands you inside and out. And now that you have this mate, it suddenly feels like self love. The healing begins slowly. You get renewed courage and you feel like you can take on things. You can finally get the love to fuel your actions and positivity.

    

Edited November 17, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

                          

In some sense we are alone forever in our reality, thats our existential nature. Everything including people we are having sex with is our conciousness, we are everything. Kind of "In love with themselves" rather then in love with our partner, we are projecting everything, self deceiving ourselves in a way, considering that "I" and "you" don't exist in non-dual worldview. If we are considering the possibility that other "people" do exist, when love act happens "everyone" is in love with themselves.

That's all kind of tricky and when i was thinking about all this I realized that I have both male and female sides in me, both needing love and attention. So it makes it possible to love ourselves without needing external partner. Thats in a way how masturbation works.

So basically how do you integrate love relationships with non-duality?

Edited November 17, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

                             

 

I love the way you look. You could make me feel so happy. You simply looking into my eyes. 

I'd be absolutely in love. 

I want to sit and enjoy a dinner with you. 

I want to feel your kisses and hugs. 

I like the warmth of your skin against my skin. 

You placing your hand softly on my forehead. You laughing with me and telling me stories.. 

Every time I look at you I fall in love. 

 

 

Edited November 18, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

                       

So I've been exploring this side of me. 

And sometimes I develop romantic and sexual feelings for different entities and imaginary things like ghosts and spirits. 

So i wanted to know if i was all alone in this and I looked it up and there were some references about this. 

It's called Spectrophilia

 

Edited November 17, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

       

                  

 

I find it extremely pleasurable to imagine a ghost raping me or having sex with me 

Rape not in the sense of a crime but more like rough sex and sadomasochistic elements 

I've discovered that some of these sexual moments of deep intimacy and sex have been the most beautiful, peaceful, calming and relaxing and releasing for me. 

They have given me unusual strength and clarity. 

It's obviously supernatural but this is not my first brush with the supernatural and this won't be my last. 

 

                          

Edited November 17, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

             

 

For a long time I really liked bad boys. 

But these days not so much. Yet somewhat. 

There might be something protective about them? 

 

However this could be an illusion created by movies and media and pop culture.. They have put the bad boy on a pedestal hehe. 

 

Edited November 17, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

                

 

Note to self 

Recently there's been an uptick in my misbehavior towards men.. 

Not a good sign. Badie girl stop. Stop flirting with men. 

Men are strange. When you are too good, they want to force you to like them. When you actually begin to like them like a drunk girl, they begin to distance themselves. 

Oops. 

Men wil be men.

I think I'm better off with my creative imaginations of what I want a man to do.. 

Men in my fantasies are damn brilliant and never act cold. 

That's a good thing   

I want a man who can lift me up and place me on a hard floor and then look into my eyes and give me a deep kiss. 

              

 

Edited November 17, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Glad-Glatis

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

               

 

Why toxic love is so beautiful? 

I kinda feel weird that I have to admit this as a woman. It feels a bit shameful to admit this. But at the same time I need to be brutally honest about my feelings so that I'm not being pretentious about being a woman.

I find bad boys appealing. I know pick up culture teaches this to men. 

I think pick up teaches guys to treat women like that. it's more effective than being nice. But it's not even healthy. 

Yet I can say very honestly (I don't mean to say a perfect asshole), that I felt at ease with a bad boy than with a nice man. I won't say that the nice man was boring, just that being with him was challenging, I always had to be prim and proper with him. I always had to be polite. 

But with a bad boy, there was a certain freedom. I could wear anything I wanted and he wouldn't mind. I could use swear words and he wouldn't mind at all. I could be lazy and be hurtful or mean sometimes and he wouldn't judge, rather he would understand my bad side, just the way he understood his own bad side. 

But with a good boy, or a nice man, no such freedom existed. I always had to be on my best behavior. It's sort of a pressure. Everything felt claustrophobic. 

Plus with a bad boy I tend to win Brownie points. How? Well, he would say some nasty angry shit to me, like Eminem barking toxic lyrics in my ears, but later apologise and the fact that I put up with his anger, was an assurance to him that I loved him, whereas with a nice man, there is no automatic way to assure him that I love him. The emotions are kinda raw with a bad boy. The emotions are kinda tame with a nice guy. 

Nice guy versus bad boy confusion. 

                   

Edited November 17, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

                    

 

  48 minutes ago, meta_male said:

@Tyler Robinson It can get quite disturbing in relationships, right? Sorry to hear you had to go through this. Did you realise afterwards or still while in it?

I was looking up online articles and I accidentally came across an article on narcissistic abuse. I kept that thing in my mind but subsequently got busy with life and forgot it. The relationship continued and when I broke up with him I had a deja vu moment. I went back to the article and realized that I was going through all that. After that I learned that the only way to deal with it is to first recognize patterns in behavior. Loads of videos on YouTube that go into depth. After recognizing you need to screen these people and filter them out. If you recognize signs early on, best to cut off as soon as possible because it only gets worse generally. I have never seen narcissists change their behavior so there is little hope. Don't think about changing them and don't wait. 

Narcissists engage in following behavior-

• Gaslighting. 
• Making you walk on eggshells 
• Demoralizing you
• Intentionally avoid you 
• Come to you only when they need something 
• Control your every move 
• Compare you to others 
• Talk about replacing you (he used to do that) 
• Emotional blackmail by saying they will leave the relationship if you don't do as they say 
• They constantly want to be praised 
• They punish you for little things 
• Zero empathy towards your suffering 
• They prioritize their goals above your needs 
• When they don't need you they lose interest and spit you out 

Also If you're constantly attracted to narcissists like I do, you might want to look into things like addiction, codependency, doormat behavior, low self esteem, mental weakness, childhood trauma, infantilization, bad parenting, lack of self respect, lack of boundaries, sexual abuse, borderline personality disorder which I have, lack of family support, suicidal tendencies, identity issues, constant need for validation and support etc. 

If you suffer from the above mentioned then you will be prone to wanting narcissists in your life. Narcissists are seducing kind of people. They like the idea of having power over someone who is dependent. So they will gladly suffocate you with all of their authority and domination if they smell that you don't fight back hard enough. They will demand that you please them or they will push you away. 

You get addicted to the validation they give and they are addicted to your lack of boundaries and weakness. They like you being weak. The weaker the better. It's a predator prey relationship. They see you as prey and that's very very attractive to them and they will be very hot and cold with you just to punish you.

You'll also be attracted to them because you can't give up your prey behavior either. 

Often times I tried to get away from narcissists. I stayed away for some time. Then I would be picked up by another narcissist. Because I wasn't feeling strong enough so I was attracted to their strength. 

It's like they are carrying the food in their hands and you are very hungry and needy. 

They can sense that neediness. I'm still attracted to narcissists big time because of my neediness. I need that pat on my head to feel better (proverbial sucking dick). They treat me like a child and I'm forever in need of a parenting figure because my childhood was neglectful and broken. 

So broken people are permanently attracted to narcissists. I don't know how to heal. It's tough. The neediness doesn't go away. I wasn't given love as a child so I seek that love in narcissistic men who babysit me and make me feel wanted. Only then I feel worthy of love. 

It's the toughest thing. They can easily sense if someone is needy and hungry for love and acceptance. Then they prey on that person. It's a weird kind of polarized magnetic relationship, somewhat like addiction.. Only when you drink you feel better even though you know drinking is bad, that sort of a thing.

Narcissists are good at creating psychological addiction in the victim 

I get weird sensations around narcissistic men. My breasts swell, I feel automatically wet and horny, my lips pucker up in submission, I go into begging mode and I begin to crave their affection and domination badly. I crave their approval. I become slavish and relish the slave role. 

I think years of child abuse made me dependent on approval from an authority figure and instilled a slave mentality in me. 

Part of it is also Stockholm Syndrome that develops after living with an abuser, you begin to love that rape and abuse and you don't see your abuser as a bad person, you even begin to love and appreciate them, sympathize with them and begin to enjoy their beatings or temper or abuse because it becomes a coping mechanism for survival. 

I developed Stockholm Syndrome at some point and began to feel empathy for abusers and if they that they wanted to rape me, I did not feel bad or angry, I became immune to it and accepted my slave role. 

Abuse is a very potent form of power. It develops psychological codependency that is very hard to get rid of. 

Anyway I'm still trying to cope with it all and learning how to mitigate future abuse. 

                     

 

Edited November 17, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

                 

A couple of suggestions. 

The very early signs of narcissism are early praise or dismissal. I'll call these bread crumbs. They test you early on to see if you Crack. They can either dismiss you badly by saying something bad about you like completely contradicting what you say and make you feel guilty. 

For example my first boyfriend blocked my path and said something like - "you don't even say a hello." But I usually don't say hello to strangers. Yet he made me feel guilty for something that wasn't a big deal. This is an example of negging. Negging is a psychologically manipulative trick in which the other person is trying to make you seek their approval indirectly. In the example, my boyfriend was making me want his approval, instead of simply being polite and saying hello, he was trying to guilt me to see if i would apologize and seek his approval. He wanted me to kinda bend to him. Negging is making that person feel awkward and in-validated so they come to you for validation. For example a guy might say something like "you look like a pig in that dress. Other girls wear sexy." This is an indirect insult which is meant to provoke that woman to test if she is submissive or rebellious. If she is the submissive type, she will cave in to the pressure and next day she will dress up like other girls. This sends him the signal that she agreed to his approval and submitted to please him. This trick often gets submissive women to give up their boundary and submit to the subtle sexual pressure created by the man. This was an example of how a narcissist uses early dismissal to draw the attention of his victim to himself and establish a power dynamic through pressuring for approval. 

Second trick - they will praise excessively out of nowhere. This is called love bombing. For example one of my exes said - "I'd rather go blind than see you walk away." He would claim that I was his soulmate, I was the only woman in the world for him, he would die for me. We were eternal soulmates. 

All of this in the early stages of the relationship. It was excessive pedestalizing and praising. And language that doesn't feel authentic or pragmatic.

Another ex boyfriend, he would sing praises to me. So one day we had an argument and I didn't want to deal with the stress of the relationship so I told him I was breaking up and he sent me 40 text messages telling me that he really loves me. It was just excessive and very pressuring. I finally said yes because I felt very pressured. 

The next boyfriend did something different. He would constantly blackmail me. Like — on the first date, I wasn't sure if I wanted the relationship and I needed time to decide, and he wasn't having a no for an answer. So his reply was - "what is this even? Is this a relationship?" pumping up the pressure. Then he would say things like "we're already one. I want a deep connection with you." but I wasn't even mentally ready yet and he was pushing so far. Just Impatient and pushy. Then he almost made it like if I didn't kiss him he would break the relationship. Everything had to be his way. One day we talked about psychedelics and I said that I wasn't interested in it. He immediately talked about breaking up. I was very exhausted. He was forcing me to comply or he would break up if I didn't. I relented at last and told him that I would do psychedelics if that's what he wanted. I was forced to be his girlfriend because I wasn't mentally ready for it but he would pull away instead of giving me time. It's like "comply with me or I'm breaking up." He wielded a lot of control and this method is emotional blackmail, "if you don't do else..." 

So above three examples were of manipulative tricks like negging/dismissal/pressure to seek approval, love bombing or inauthentic excessive praising (you can look up love bombing online), and emotional blackmail control, used by narcissists to make someone bend to their pressure and approval. 

I'll call it baiting. Learning these baiting tricks helps uncover narcissists. 

              

 

Edited November 18, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

                            

A  view on desperate men 

 

Look. I need to be honest as a woman.

I never get attracted to desperate men. I will never fall in love with a desperate man, that's a guarantee. 

Imagine if a guy approached me covered up in blood, will I have sex with him? Absolutely no way. 

That's how desperate men appear. They make themselves look horrible, creepy and all sorts of weird signs. 

Women feel like running away from such men. Women hate such men. It's never gonna work. 

A woman who likes a desperate man is either extremely out of sync with her femininity, or is trying to use him in some manner, sensing his desperation or is simply not feminine enough and never received the attention of real men, or is too manly herself. 

A real female runs far far away from a desperate man. She gets repulsed by his behavior. 

Imagine a desperate guy in the female version. It's like a woman covered up in mud walking towards a man. He would get repulsed. He would never want her. 

It's the same way. Desperate men are extremely unattractive. You can look handsome and nice body or voice or whatever, but desperate behavior will destroy any attractiveness you got. 

 

                     

 

Edited November 18, 2022 by Tyler Robinson