___ b_sex

[Tyler Robinson]

 

 

I'm a very good listener. I'm not talkative. 

Another behavior of mine (not sure if this behavior is problematic), is that when my lover talks to me, I don't talk to the lover on the face. 

That is when you will talk to me face to face I will not talk to you, I get a bit shy to speak on the face. So I'll talk when you are looking somewhere else or looking away, I immediately say 2-3 words quickly and again go silent. 

I used to do this in my relationship with Joseph. 

He used to talk to me, and I used to be completely silent. But when he used to turn around, I used to immediately say 2-3 words when he is not paying attention. It's my introversion. I talk when the person is gone or away.. 

Like if you are talking to me in the journal, I will talk very few words on the spot with you. 

But if you are sleeping or away, that time I write a lot or talk a lot. 

So if you are sleeping, I will talk a lot in the background if I am in the kitchen, not loudly, just mumbling to myself everything I want to say. 

I tend to mumble a lot to myself when nobody is Watching. 

So my personality is like this. 

If you kiss me and stand next to me I will say nothing and simply stare at you 

 

But If you are go driving alone to the nearby store or outside somewhere, that time I will spend my time thinking about you or talking about you and I'll be talking to myself and I will be cooking for you or decorating the house for you or writing a card for you. So when you return back you will see everything I did for you. But once you are face to face with me I will again become quiet 

 

It is my shyness. I am very shy. People interpret me very wrongly. I'm not how I appear on the forum. 

 

My real nature is very meek and shy like my father. My father was shy. 

I let the man handle stuff in relationships. 

I remain quiet in the background. I don't decide things in a relationship. I will accept whatever the man says. 

In all of my past 4 relationships I was submissive and the man was dominant. 

I never took a dominant position. 

I follow the man from behind. I let him lead. 

When I am walking with my partner/bf/man, I let him walk ahead of me. I am standing behind him. 

I come from a conservative culture where women are more shy and submissive. 

I am mostly nervous around a man. Male energy tends to dominate me. 

I stay mostly quiet.

 

Edited November 15, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

                

 

 

I gave into a man whose name is Blackrose. 

I sometimes feel like I don't deserve so much love that I get from him. 

But I love him deeply. 

I'm forever grateful to him. Because at a time when my life was falling apart, he was a ray of light in a dark dark room, he showed what true love looks like, his honesty struck me as odd, because I had never known honesty, there was a pure soul in love with me, and I thought how could I even love this creature. How was it possible that I was shown love? Beautiful pure love. After so many ups and downs, I doubted the possibility of me being shown true pure love, it felt impossible. Where was I ? I had known only betrayal, poverty,loss,failure. 

 

 

 

I was so afraid that something would jeopardize it. 

I felt he was so much better than I could ever be. 

When I die, I want to remember how much he loves me, he was like a bird that came to rescue me from darkness.

His face is burned in my brain forever. I think of him every time I wake up in the morning, it feels like I'm smelling fresh flowers, his essence binds me  I feel for a minute he is right there and im basking in his glory and his innocent smile, and then I ask myself how much of me is really worthy of this. He will love me forever. Will I ever be able to repay him? 

 

                

 

Edited November 16, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

                          

 

 

I'll be trying to process my Vulnerability here.. 

It will be a long process. 

Till then I want to maintain a low profile. I just want to be low key for the long haul. 

This will be tough for me because my inner core is extremely fragile and opening up about it has always been my toughest challenge. 

This delicateness inside of me has to be handled with gentleness.. Or it might suffer a sudden shock. 

Edited November 16, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

        

 

 

 

I was thinking about certain things that I need to be proficient at 

Processing vulnerability 

Emotional writing

Grammar and comprehensive articulation 

Information grasping 

Information filtering

Information processing skills 

Integration skills 

Psychoemotional processing

Verbal expression and communication (im very bad at this) 

Psychoemotional spiritual evolution (I want to be more conscious and evolved) 

 

                         

Edited November 16, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

 

I don't know what to say. It feels other worldly. I feel like I'm in a different kind of heaven, a romantic heaven. When I'm with him. It's like suddenly my life has a new meaning. 

I feel very pleasant and warmed when I talk to him. I become very happy and my happiness grows inch by inch the more I think about him. 

 

A million years of happiness won't compare to a moment with him. 

He is my fantasy hero come to life. 

He brings a heavenly smile to my face. He wipes away every fear, doubt, worry, anger, restlessness from my face. 

I suddenly feel calm and flowing and at peace when I'm with him. He takes my breath away. 

 

                       

 

Edited November 16, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

My final transformation 

Have you experienced something like this? 

 

I feel like from inside, I'm changing in a massive way. Like a huge change. Do you ever feel like your whole personality is going to change 180 degrees. For example, let's say you were an angry or aggressive person and now something is making you change into a milder calmer friendlier person. Or let's take the opposite. You were a gentle person but now you are getting angrier, or just stricter.. 

 

Let me explain what's happening to me. My facial expressions are changing from sweet to mean/strict. I'm changing from a gentler person to someone more strict, pragmatic and matured, more serious and a bit bolder. 

 

I feel some kind of inner metamorphosis.

 

Like my inner self is struggling to come out or is undergoing huge transformation. 

 

And it's saying very loudly a very big FUCK YOU. It's asking me - why the hell do you care about all this drama around people? If they judge you, blame you, hold you responsible when you didn't do shit, then fuck it, who cares? It's like my inner self is challenging me big time to pick myself up by the bootstraps and not give a damn anymore, because nobody gave a damn about me. 

 

Is this a sign of inner growth? 

 

I feel a sense of boldness and self empowerment. Like why should I care what someone thinks of me. 

 

I used to engage in people pleasing behavior and I took a lot of shit in the process. 

 

But now my inner self is saying - STOP!!!! DEVELOP AN EGO. STOP GIVING A DAMN. 

 

A strong inner resistance developing gradually. 

 

Will this turn me into a narcissist? 

 

I feel like I'm developing a strong defense mechanism. Like building a wall around myself where only those people can scale the wall who aren't going to fuck with me anymore, aren't going to play mind games, aren't going to be passive aggressive or manipulate me or aren't going to give me a lame treatment. 

 

It's like my my heart is saying — if they don't treat you right, just don't put up with it anymore. The call is yours to make, not theirs. Take back power. 

 

 

 

 

 

Does this feel right or does this feel narcissistic? 

When I had these thoughts, this music was playing in my mind. Pretty aggressive. 

 

Edited November 15, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

This Melancholic lover girl with sexual fantasies, wanting to be her pure seductive self, in love with some man passionately and letting her own spirit thrive. 

 

Edited November 15, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

 

 

I have coined a term - fphantazm - a state where you daydream about your man and bring him to life. And enjoy orgasms in this process. 

Right now I'm fphantazming. 

(f is silent) 

Edited November 15, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

 

 

Edited November 15, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

                   

 

Certain qualities for a good relationship 

Genuineness 

Seriousness 

Sincerity 

Honesty 

Purity 

Affection 

Passion 

Loyalty 

Respect 

Eagerness 

Openness 

Freedom 

 Willingness 

 

 

             

 

Edited November 15, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

                         

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 15, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

 

I love you deeply and I dream about you. Your love heals my heart. I glow like a flower around you. You give me feelings that no man ever did.. 

You are the saviour of my soul. The cultivator of my garden. I want nothing and nothing but you. 

 

Edited November 15, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

                    

 

I had a karmic connection with him. 

He met me in my past life. I don't know where he met me. 

But he came to me in my past life. 

He was so cute, my heart was jumping with joy when I met him. 

He was a bit dominating, but in a good way. 

Me and him lived together forever. 

 

 

Edited November 15, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

 

I feel like I'm meeting you once again in this birth. You have been in my heart for ages now. You make me feel at home. Our hearts are meant to be one. 

 

I want to affectionately call you monsieur 

 

Monsieur, every time I see you in front of my eyes, I fall in love with you again.

 

You held my face in your hands and deeply caressed it. 

 

You are the one for me. 

 

You are my angel my soulmate my sparkling sunshine. 

 

 

 

Edited November 15, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

When he is here, I don't say much. 

 

When he is gone, I say so much 

 

I feel so shy around him. In a sweet way. 

 

If I meet him, I won't be able to look into his eyes. I will look away. 

 

When he talks to me, my mind goes blank. I feel stunned. 

 

When he is not around my heart begins to flutter, and it wants to write a thousand words for him. 

When he is around, my heart skips many beats. 

I watch him secretly.

 

When I see him, I jump with both joy and excitement. My heart races immediately. My joy is indescribable. 

 

I smile on the inside when he talks to me, my lips seal tightly to hold my smile inside. I feel shy to show the happiness in my eyes. 

My eyes twinkle and shine when I think of him. 

 

 

Edited November 15, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

I went to my room and grabbed a book and I was reading and smiling while reading. 

I don't even remember what I was reading. My mind was constantly going to him. I was smiling a lot. I just couldn't focus on reading. My heart was constantly smiling 

 

I was laughing at myself. I don't know why. Maybe my heart knows. 

I felt like all the birds were singing for me. 

I felt the night sky was asking me his name. 

I felt like the air was different. 

I felt like the sun came up just for another day with him. 

 

I felt like my life was suddenly beautiful. 

[Tyler Robinson]

I don't know why I'm attracted to this guy. 

Probably his attire. 

It's kinda hot. 

Should I call him Tony? 

 

 

 

Edited November 15, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

I don't want to be on this forum anymore because there are some people (some men) on this forum that constantly trouble me and trigger me. I'm tired of fighting with these men. I am mentally impacted by it. I don't like fighting and conflict. I'm a peaceful person.. 

But a specific dude on the forum is constantly riling me up and doesn't leave me alone despite frequent requests. I'm almost to the point of tears. I can't take it anymore. I can't deal with rude, mean, disrespectful men who can't respect boundaries. This person has constantly been on my nerves, acting passive aggressive, calling me low IQ and constantly pestering me. I'm sitting and thinking if it's worth being on the forum constantly fighting with such dudes that put me in a low mood and cause me much suffering. So it's just not worth it. 

I almost cried today. It's not worth it. Constantly tolerating their insensitivity 

 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Tony you're my medicine. 

You come at the right time to rescue me. 

I wanna sleep next to you. I want to hold you. 

Edited November 15, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

I love his deep eyes

 

I never thought I would be loved.