___ b_sex

[Tyler Robinson]

I felt like Philly's ghost was looking at me and saying — this is just lust Tyler/Janessa? 

I was teary eyed looking at him..... 

 

And he said - you won't be happy with George Barkley. You feel like you are in love? But that's your horny pussy speaking girl. 

Once that season is over, you will not want him any more. 

 

 

 

 

 

And I kept screaming —

 

How do you know this? 

How do you know this? 

How do you know this? 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

I got warning points because some guy was trying to trigger me on this forum and I retaliated him. 

I don't know. I just did whatever my heart told me. I got angry. When someone is intentionally trying to trigger you, you feel like giving them a mouthful. 

How much can you take? 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

There are times when I feel suicidal, when I'm reminded of my abuse and how worthless I am. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Then once again I see Philly's face in front of my eyes. Philly looking at me and saying —

 

Janessa/Tyler why are you so innocent? 

Nobody gives a fuck about you. Don't you know that by now. I'm the only one who cares. Don't fight me Janessa. 

 

And his face slowly begins to melt and fade away as I'm reminded of my sexual abuse once again. Once again I'm reminded that I will have no control. I will have no desire. I. Will have no life of my own. That I'm just a doll in the hands of my rapist and abuser. That he can do whatever he wants. And I'll be able to do nothing to stop him. 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

And Philly's ghost came closer and closer. 

He held my face and said —

"Janessa/Tyler, I raped your body. I raped your soul too. Janessa take this money. Your mom needs money Janessa. Your mom needs money. That's why you don't leave me Janessa. You will never leave me because your mom needs the money I send her. You will even  get used to this and after that you'll never feel like leaving me. You will never be free of me. I raped your soul. "

And a voice calling my name kept echoing —

Janessa, Janessa, Janessa, Janessa.... 

Tyler Tyler Tyler..... Slowly fading. 

 

Edited November 13, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Then Philly's ghost kissed me on my forehead and apologized for raping me. 

And he said —

"I'm sorry I could do nothing for you. I'm sorry I raped you. I'm sorry for whatever I did. I know I was wrong. But nothing can change whatever happened. This was your fate Janessa. I didn't do it. I was just someone who had to. Do it to you. You're unfortunate. You'll never know beauty or love. I'm sorry. But you can't know beauty. I am sorry you were never accepted. Your own mom ditched you. Janessa.. 

Janessa rest in peace. Close your eyes. This life never understood you. You were a good girl. But this is life. In death you will find the peace and love that always eluded you in life. 

Rest in peace. "

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

If you ask me what's the message of my story. The answer is — there is no message. There's only deep meaning in it but no message.. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Philly — Janessa/Tyler, do you have romantic feelings for me? Do you love me the way a woman loves a man? 

Janessa/TYLER /ME — NO. I don't feel anything. I have no romantic feelings for you. None. 

Philly — why can't you love me?

Janessa/TYLER /ME —  I just don't. I don't know why. (sad music plays in the background). I don't feel that way about you. You don't attract me. 

Philly — I see innocence and Vulnerability in your eyes. Do you like a guy here? Anyone?

Janessa/TYLER /ME — no.. I don't like anyone. I don't feel anything. I just don't. I'm sorry. 

Philly — you don't need to be sorry. You don't owe anything to me or anyone. But... 

Janessa/TYLER /ME — but what? 

Philly —  you're so innocent Janessa. (gently stroking my arms), I like your innocence. Don't you feel like a girl, you're 16. Don't you feel horny sometimes? Horny for a guy? 

Janessa/TYLER /ME — yea. Sometimes I'm wet in the middle of the night. But that's it. I want.... 

Philly — what? 

Janessa/TYLER /ME — I want love. I want love. Umm.. I want... I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I want a guy. And then I don't want him anymore. It's like my body is playing with me. Mind games. I feel confused. I don't know if I can really love a man. Truly the way he would want. Sometimes I want to be grabbed. I want to be loved. Drowned in a man's love. And then I'm no longer interested. What does love feel like? 

Philly — you're too young. Love is true. You Will feel love only when someone truly loves you. Someone who really wants you. I have felt that love for you.. 

Janessa/TYLER /ME — I don't feel anything for you. I feel fear mostly. I feel like I need to please you or else you would kill me. 

Philly — I won't kill you. You know that. But I will never get your love. You'll never love me. I'll always be your Daddy. 

Janessa/TYLER /ME — Maybe. I feel safe with you. I feel this is my home. 

Philly — do you want a man to love you? 

Janessa/TYLER /ME — yes. Yes yes yes yes. I want to be his baby. Maybe such a man exists. But then..... 

Philly — then? 

Janessa/TYLER /ME — I'll constantly fight for his attention. There will be fights. We'll drift apart. 

Philly — hmm. Will you love him! 

Janessa/TYLER /ME — only if he loves me too. 

Philly — how will he show his love? 

Janessa/TYLER /ME — I want him to be my friend. I want him to be with me. All the time. I want him to look into my eyes and smile. I want him to tickle me. I want him to share everything with me. 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

Philly — Janessa, you deserve that love. 

Janessa/TYLER /ME — will I ever meet my soulmate? 

Philly — Janessa this is your home. Don't dream about a man. Those things happen in the movies. And in your dreams. In reality there is no prince charming. No knight in shining armor riding a horse. There's only communal love. I don't want you to be heart broken. You are lovely, innocent, virgin. You are perfect as you are. I don't want cannibals to destroy you. You need a real soulmate. Not some guy who has a cursory interest in you and forgets you later. You'll go nowhere. You will stay here. You will be with people who care about you. You will stay a Virgin. And everyone here will protect you. 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

Philly — everyone loves you Janessa. 

Janessa/TYLER /ME — Does Donny Uncle love me? 

Philly — maybe he does. 

Janessa/TYLER /ME — he is so strict with me. As though I did something wrong. 

Philly — he loves you. He cares about you. You'll always be a virgin. Nobody wants you to be a mother. Nobody thinks you should be one. You are Angelic and innocent like a child. 

Janessa/TYLER /ME — I am scared. I don't know. I don't want to be a mother.. I want love. 

Philly — it's ok. You are just a child. 

 

Janessa/TYLER /ME — I want to know what love is. 

Philly — that's exactly what love is. Just knowing it. It's an experience like any other. Like childhood. Like a season that comes and goes. You are too pure for it. You were made perfect. In God's love. You were chosen for God. You were chosen for higher things. You were chosen to experience ethereal love. Spiritual love. The love of an animal. The love of God. The love of a true friend. The love of loyalty. Love is an essence of motherhood and friendship. Love is devotion. Love is Purity. Love is morality. Love is compassion. Love is mercy. Love is understanding. Love is unforgettable. Love is protection. Love is ferocity. The one who loves you won't leave you stranded. You don't feel satisfied because sexual love is shallow and will never be enough for you. In you there's a deeper yearning. What will satisfy you is spiritual love. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Yoyk and Rekka

 

Edited November 13, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

I want George Barkley badly. 

He wanted to kill me because I had bruised his ego and he wanted revenge. 

So he manipulated me into loving him with his smooth talk. I gave in and accepted his love. 

I told him I needed some time, at least 1 day. 

He told me to sleep in the main room. He would wait until morning for my reply. 

I woke up the next morning and I patiently waited at the wall in the room. He came and just stood there. And then he asked me — do you accept me Janessa? 

I gently said yes. (looking down)

I used to call him sir. We all used to call him Sir. He was regarded in that manner. 

Then he came close and held me. I softly spoke like I was in a daze — I love you Sir. I love you. I cannot live without you anymore. You are everything to me. You are my God. You are my everything. I want to be with you. I want to be yours. Forever. 

Then he told me that I need to visit him at a warehouse a few blocks from his palace. He would wait for me there. I agreed. 

When I reached the place, I could feel an eerie silence. 

Death scene 

I entered the room. I looked around. Just nothing. Then from the corner on the side emerged George. George walked towards me. And then he softly whispered that he wanted to tell me something. And he told me that this was my last day on earth. This is what he had been waiting for. He was feeling triumphant. 

I felt an intense feeling of shock and disbelief. I couldn't imagine the man I had loved so much wanted to kill me. What did I do wrong? 

I paced around the place. And I kept mumbling to myself. Then I softly said —

I have a last wish. If I die I want to die in your arms, watching you before my eyes, looking into your eyes and holding you. This is what I want. I would at least have the grace of dying in the arms of my lover. It would be my saving grace. I don't regret dying and I don't complain about the betrayal but I just want to hold you during my dying moments. I want to feel you Sir. Please. 

He was looking at me, stunned in silence. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Death scene Continued.. 

 

Sir.. 

Shots fired. His men shot me. 

I collapsed into his arms as he struggled to hold me. I was dying in his arms. My one hand held his arm tightly as I was struggling to breathe. I kept stroking his arm. 

I began to speak as I watched him looking horrified —

No Sir. Sir    .. Please. Don't leave me . No.. Don't leave me now please. I want to see you one last time. I don't want to lose you. Sir I love you. I gave my heart to you. Even if God had told me to leave you, I would have never left you. I belong to you. Don't leave me now. If you wanted me to die for you, I would have died gladly, I would have no regrets. I love you and there wouldn't have been a better way to die. Sir I love you. I surrender myself to you. 

And with those words, I breathed my last. 

 

Death scene over. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

I began to like George Barkley. 

I never liked Philly anyway. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

The dialogues aren't perfectly structured in my head

 

Dialogues between Janessa and Barkley. 

Just random dialogues right now 

Barkley — I said to you that I love you and you believed me.. You have to be a fool and that's no fault of mine that you decided to trust me. 

Janessa — I came here to return this gift. 

Barkley — girls like you are dime a dozen.. What made you think you're worthy of me?

Janessa — you told me that you love me

 

Barkley — you cheap  pathetic, foolish weak, timid insecure woman. You deserved it. 

Janessa — I'm not weak. I simply believed your words.. 

Barkley — and you thought that I love you? 

Throws the gift at the wall and it breaks into pieces.

— go and never come back. I can never like a woman like you. 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Barkley is subjecting Janessa to some narcissistic abuse. 

[Tyler Robinson]

I wish Barkley never finds a woman who will love him and dies alone. He deserves it for the way he treated me. 

Can I love Barkley after whatever he did to me? 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

I feel like Philly is competing with Barkley for me. 

I feel weird. It feels like everytime my mind tries to like Barkley, Philly does something subconsciously like black magic to ruin it and show me how pointless my love for Barkley is and how foolish I'm in wanting him 

 

Oh God Philly, you aren't attractive to me but you go to such lengths in making sure that I am safe in every possible way. You're always safeguarding my interests. 

Something that the raw masculine manly  attractive Mr Barkley never does.

Philly. You are ugly. I mean super ugly. You don't have an attractive face. Nor a manly body.. You raped me. How in the world am I supposed to find you attractive? 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Dialogues between Barkley and Janessa. 

Janessa — can any amount of wisdom in the world change how a mother feels for her child? Can any amount of wisdom in the world stop a mother from love her child? 

Then how could I stop loving you in this moment Sir. I love you. I'm a woman. I'm a slave to the womanhood in me. My womanhood has fallen in love with you Sir. It needs you. It wants you. The only truth about a woman's feelings is that she wants the love of the man who she is desperately in love with and she needs nothing more. Men fail to understand this truth. That's the only truth men need to know about women. A woman seeks her fulfillment in a man's love, the man who her heart desires. If he gives her all of his love, that's all she ever wants.. 

Women need men. They need your masculine energy. It's like food for them. We women feed on this masculine energy, your semen. 

[Tyler Robinson]

Instead of using the word semen (it feels awkward to use this word), I'll use the word seminal fluid in my writings. 

I'm not talking about pre-cum here. I'm talking about semen or what men release during actual cumming in the end, I mean during ejaculation.