___ b_sex

[Tyler Robinson]

I'm glad that all of these changes are happening to me. 

The overall trajectory is in the positive direction only. 

I have strategically escaped a ton of trouble. 

I had faced a ton of shit for literally nothing other than self expression. 

I have severed my connection with this place in so many ways. 

I improved so much over the last year.. So much that I went through 

But I'm like a phoenix. I'm still victorious. 

 

I emerged out of my problems, I didn't give up.. It was helluva of a struggle. It began last year in August and it ends finally this year in October. Oh God finally out of the Frying Pan without landing in the frier. 

I feel like this elephant. Moving through struggles. 

 

 

Edited October 19, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

We forgave each other on October 4.

That was the last we saw of each other. 

(He had left on September 10)

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

I also made peace with some people on here on October 16.

That day I was very exhausted because that day I had a huge fight on the Andrew Tate thread. 

 

I think by October 16 I made the decision to quit the forum by October 25.

I had 2 days worth of peace following that. 

And.... 

Today October 20, my nest was rattled again by some dating section threads where I mentioned that I was a virgin and it seems to have irked some people. I even talked about my rape experience on another thread. 

 

 

Edited October 19, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

 

https://www.actualized.org/forum/staff

I already made plans of leaving the forum permanently on October 11. This is an old entry from that date. 

On 10/11/2022 at 9:10 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

Will say goodbye to this forum in the next 2 weeks. 

 

I'll say final goodbye to the forum on October 25, 2022.

 

 

 

Thats the last anyone will see of me. 

 

Edited October 19, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

Timeline of quitting the forum. 

 

In a way I had multiple closures this month on 

These days 

 

October 4 - with him 

 

October 9 - Leo appoints new mods

 

October  11 - ended a casual fling. First thought of leaving the forum. 

October 12 - Andrew Tate thread 

 October 16 - made peace with two others. Had a fight on the Tate thread. Decision to leave the forum became stronger. 

 

October 16- came to know about Leo 

 

October 18 - Mike found me 

 

October 20 - had fights on dating section threads because of being mocked on about my rape situation and my virginity. BS. Made urgent decision to quit forum by October 21..

 

 

 

Bye bye. 

 

 

Edited October 19, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Oh God. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

Response to this thread. 

 

 

 

 

This forum is too low level for something like that. People don't even basic respect for each other here forget about loving conversations. I cried yesterday because I was insulted, humiliated, degraded and gaslighted. I kept pleading to be treated with kindness. 

I hope nothing good for this place. It will continue to devolve. It's the quality of communication here that sucks big time. And anyone who points out a bad experience here is always blamed instead of being understood. 

 

Edited October 20, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

These are the threads where I felt completely humiliated yesterday. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 20, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

What I'm trying to achieve is peace of mind. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Please God help me. I'm tired and sick. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

was dating a Mormon recently for a very short time. He said that he preferred virgins. And I was actually delighted by him. He was a very nice guy. What I have found in my general dating experience, that guys who prefer virgins, although a bit insecure, generally turn out to be better than most guys. They have some standards and they don't just dump women. They take things seriously and they don't treat dating as a child's play. They are more responsible on average. 

So I don't see a problem with people dating virgins or being virgins themselves. I see it as a desirable thing now. Since I'm a virgin myself, then why not. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

Magnanimous said:

Also, men would like to be a girl's first love. Heard it from some quote on YT.

 

This is the same for women. I was very upset when I realized that my guy had already been with some women sexually meanwhile I'm a virgin. 

 

Because I wanted to be his first love. It happens. 

 

Sometimes people are upset that they don't have "first children" with a person. 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

On 10/19/2022 at 3:51 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

Disclaimer to you and others who are always hyper curious about my personal life - 

 

I don't appreciate being talked about in public. I don't like attention. I'm not some celebrity or role model. Sure my actions might seem attention seeking but that's just a wrong  impression they create. I have zero obligation to justify my virginity or any personal detail to you or anyone. My personal life should not be your business. Just because I choose to answer a question, I should not become fair game for gossip. I reply to OP and stick to topic. My personal life is not the topic here. Use the pm function if you want personal stuff and stop violating me publicly. You were called out by user @petar8p before for intentionally triggering me with pointless personal  questions/assumptions. My personal life is nobody's business and should be off limits. I'm entitled to share whatever I want in my journals and nobody is supposed to decide what is true or not. It shouldn't even matter to anyone whatever I want to write in my journal - that's my personal space. Don't use journal as ammunition for gossip or character attacks. 

I'm not pretending to be a virgin. I'm a virgin. I'm not standing for some kind of a virginity test here. My journal is a compilation of my fantasies. Some of the experiences are real, some are not. I write in a state when I'm not totally lucid and things become real. It's because of my mental illness that I escape into dissociation and Derealization states where reality meets fantasy or everything becomes real. I'm not fully conscious when I'm writing and it's sometimes my subconscious writing it.  They are an outlet of my  unfulfilled sexual desires and my therapy for my sexual repression. 

Regarding the rape which is highly sensitive to me, I was raped with an object. That's still rape. I did not experience penetration.I suffered sexual trauma at different times in my life and the journal is used as a coping mechanism to relive my sexual trauma from the past as well as for my sexual repression. 

I want no further investigation/gossip/attention on my personal life. I am not obligated to provide any justification to anyone really. Nobody's business. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't appreciate being talked about in public. I don't like attention. I'm not some celebrity or role model. Sure my actions might seem attention seeking but that's just a wrong  impression they create. I have zero obligation to justify my virginity or any personal detail to you or anyone. My personal life should not be your business. Just because I choose to answer a question, I should not become fair game for gossip. I reply to OP and stick to topic. My personal life is not the topic here. Use the pm function if you want personal stuff and stop violating me publicly. My personal life is nobody's business and should be off limits. I'm entitled to share whatever I want in my journals and nobody is supposed to decide what is true or not. It shouldn't even matter to anyone whatever I want to write in my journal - that's my personal space. Don't use journal as ammunition for gossip or character attacks. 

 

I'm not pretending to be a virgin. I'm a virgin. I'm not standing for some kind of a virginity test here. My journal is a compilation of my fantasies. Some of the experiences are real, some are not. I write in a state when I'm not totally lucid and things become real. It's because of my mental illness that I escape into dissociation and Derealization states where reality meets fantasy or everything becomes real. I'm not fully conscious when I'm writing and it's sometimes my subconscious writing it.  They are an outlet of my  unfulfilled sexual desires and my therapy for my sexual repression. 

 

Regarding the rape which is highly sensitive to me, I was raped with an object. That's still rape. I did not experience penetration.I suffered sexual trauma at different times in my life and the journal is used as a coping mechanism to relive my sexual trauma from the past as well as for my sexual repression. 

 

I want no further investigation/gossip/attention on my personal life. I am not obligated to provide any justification to anyone really. Nobody's business. 

[petar8p]

On 10/19/2022 at 3:23 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

There are just so many aspects to rape. A female opening up about it is the bravest thing ever. Of course I don't expect men to understand it. 

At the same time the only thing that comes with rape is shame. So many aspects and assumptions about rape are so severely loaded and tied to traditional expectations of femininity. These make rape(as a phenomenon) even more outrageous and complicated than it already is. 

With rape you always have a catch-22 problem. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. 

If you don't talk about rape, then people assume that you don't have any trauma. 

If you talk about rape, then you have to be ready to answer a lot of uncomfortable questions. 

If you talk about rape as in that you didn't resist enough, then men assume that you were probably enjoying it or it wasn't rape at all. 

If you talk about rape as in, you resisted very badly, you are considered a good woman. 

There are just so many infinite layers of female morality baked into rape that it's just the most disgusting thing. How are you even supposed to be yourself with so many moral traps set around you? 

If a woman doesn't report rape then she is asked why she didn't report it or that she must be lying because it's inherently assumed that any pious woman will report a rape when it happens. 

And if a woman reports rape, then she is asked evidence. Then it's like opening a whole can of worms, because that's where the nightmare begins. Now you really have to go through it all over again to make sure the rapist is punished.

People don't understand how shame works..

For example, when I was raped, I blamed myself. This is just ingrained in the female psyche. You you you you you must have done something wrong to attract rape. Why does it not happen to other women? You must be slut. Thousands of questions running through your head and the enormous fear of slut shaming is what causes the internalization of blame. 

You feel ashamed of yourself for having trusted the rapist. You feel like you deserved it because you didn't enough to protect your feminine dignity. You feel stupid. You feel like shit. You feel like you are unworthy. 

Especially if you are already struggling with low self esteem. You feel like crap. You cry for days and days and try to wash it off your body. You feel like your own body is a sin, a crime, a crime to be a woman. You feel dirty inside. You feel dirty outside. You feel like you aren't a woman anymore. You begin to battle your own womanhood. You feel like you don't deserve to live. You live in regret and shame. 

❤️

[Tyler Robinson]

 

My best post so far on this forum. I got mad and gave my heart to it. 

 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

He wanted to rub my butthole. 

I like that. 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

This person is my friend. Or at least that's how they pretended to be. 

Now.. 

This person has many demons they will need to work on. One of the demons is  inauthenticity and living a double life.They will always lead a double life 100%.They present only one side of the narrative - their side. Meanwhile completely sabotaging my side. This person managed to completely flip the script in their favor and made me the fall guy. They are the worst form of emotional vulture I have ever come across. M was a great man who came in my life and would have never wanted to hurt me. He was very caring and sweet to me. He was the best person in my life and the best boyfriend I had. Unfortunately we parted ways because I wasn't fully ready for a relationship at the time and I was dealing with stuff. Now this current friend is a horrible human being. They have shown me what evil and a demon look like. They are the personification of a demon, witch like features, deep eyes, long face. This person emotionally ravaged me to the point of self destruction. I have never experienced something so fatalistic and lethal in my life. I was deeply vulnerable with them without realizing that they were completely fake and shallow. I exposed all my secrets to them. I exposed my soul to them They are extremely extremely sweet in a way that cannot be considered as fake sweetness. They are able to act like a total angel while being a demon from within. They can take the veneer of a caring angel who pays attention to all the minor details of your life and comes back to either act protective or sympathizing. Their way of sympathizing are that of a leader. Like Barack Obama coming and telling you everything will be alright. When in reality nothing is gonna be alright even in the slightest They will show immediate care /concern, offer themselves up for helping, play the Samaritan/global peace campaigner /savior /humanitarian /ambassador of hope/soldier role. They pride themselves in this samaritan role. They act like your greatest ally, meanwhile being your greatest enemy in your shadows. The most shallowest human being I have ever come across. They are dull in the head but try to act smart. They are extremely careful about social image and reputation and curate it carefully, they do every thing to serve their convenience and agenda, they are deeply sociopathic, take pleasure in other's pain, even a standard abuser is better than them, because a standard abuser will at least have some basic concern for your safety. They will feed and clothe while abusing you at the same time. But they at least feed and clothe. But not this one. They will cause emotional dehydration. They will take every ounce of you while maintaining supernatural levels of intimacy and closeness. They will be so close that you might be tricked into believing they are you. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

My Rape story 

 

Trigger warning.. 

If you're a victim of abuse, don't read this, it's not for you, it's for my venting. 

So.... 

I was at a party last week March. And my friends got some cocktail mocktail stuff. I was very thirsty because it's summer time the most cruel time for me. So drank what they gave me. There was a guy I had been familiar with whose name is Robson. (name changed for privacy). He was laughing with me, making some jokes. As the night went on, I was losing my sense of self. And I began to laugh and giggle wildly. Hazy memory. I'm still suffering. Then he kinda pulled my arm and gestured me to walk to his car. He told me that he will show me something. I kinda laughed and agreed to walk with him. He kept walking and dragging me by the arm and this continued for a long time. At some point I felt I was far away from the crowd that he had isolated me from. I could not see those people anymore. This guy Robson lived in the Beehive National Park. That's where all of this went down. He then dragged me by my arm and took me to his car. Once inside the car, he offered me a drink and I drank. I was too thirsty and tired from all the walking. I was sitting in the back of the car. He came to the back and began to touch me. He pushed me down on the seat and began to remove my clothes. I resisted and kept struggling my way out. I tried getting a grip on the door knob but my hands couldn't reach there so I kinda slid my body a bit upwards and now I could get a full grip of the handle, I turned it and the car door flung open because of the weight of my body. I got out with great difficulty but now my head was spinning. I began to walk and kinda run but slowly. I was tripping. So I tried running faster but my vision was blurry. When I ran I stumbled upon a tiny rock and kinda fell because of some obstacle.. He came behind me. I was on the ground, laying on my stomach. Hurt and tired. I could see his feet when I looked down at my feet. He had shoes. He was wearing a hoodie/like a blue Grey  checkered flannel and a black shirt inside. I kept kicking his feet with my shoe in an attempt to frighten him. But my kicking was like bunny kicks, it had no impact on him and he seemed to be smiling back at me. I was nervous and my heart was pounding.Then he lifted me slowly by my arm and then took my whole body into his arms (like carrying someone). And took me back into the forest.I could see thick bushes, big trees and all leaves on the floor, it was dark in the night. I could barely see anything. Then he lay me on the floor of the forest. I could see flashes of light that illumined his face in the night. He then asked me if I needed something. My heart was still pounding. I gave him a blank stare. 

 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

I was in an inebriated state so I couldn't move my body. I was exhausted, tired and hurt from all the walking and running. He got up and left me alone for a while. Then I saw him coming back from the distance carrying rope in his hand and there was a shiny silvery object in his other hand. As he got closer I realized the shiny object was a big knife. He sat near my feet and began cutting the rope with the knife. He cut the rope into small pieces. He then threw the knife and it landed next to my body. He proceeded to tie my ankles with the rope. I was feeling hurt because it was so tight. Then he suddenly  got on top of me. Then he looked into my eyes. I was in and out of consciousness. He began kissing me. I kept pushing him off. I pushed him hard with my hands and arms. I was struggling to get out of his grip.I grabbed the knife and kept shoving in into his face and he grabbed my hand really hard. He began smiling my hand was shaking and I couldn't get a grip on the knife, I dropped the knife and he immediately grabbed the knife and flung it far away. He then took his right hand and grabbed one one of my wrists. My wrists are tiny. So he reached for the other wrist and grabbed both of my wrists with his one hand. With his other hand he kept unzipping his pants. I could feel his penis on my body. He then inserted something into me. I felt something going inside. I raised my head to see what it was. It was a green bottle. I began moaning. After a while, I was feeling very thirsty. I told him that I needed some water. He got up and left. I was feeling weak. 

He came back with a water bottle. He gave me some water to drink. Then he got back on top of me. He began to choke me by placing his hands on my neck and tightening his grip. I began to feel dizzy.He then lifted me up, like made me sit back up. He placed me on his lap and kept rocking me back to consciousness. Then he asked me if I trust him. I said yes out of fear. He then hugged me tightly, extremely tight and began to feel my chest by pressing his chest against it. My heart was pounding. He then said that I was lying, that if I really trusted him, I wouldn't be shaking in fear and my heart wouldn't have been beating so fast. Then he whispered and told me that I should not lie to him.I asked him if he was going to kill me. He said no. I felt a bit relaxed when he said no. Then he untied my legs. Picked me up and carried me to his car. He placed me in the back of the car. I was exhausted and moaning and was half sleepy. He drove the car for a few minutes, maybe half an hour. I had no idea where he was going. He kept glancing back at me periodically during the time he was driving. Then he drove to a spot deep into a backroad of gravel and dirt and stopped. It was surrounding the edge of the forest park. He then got out of the car and got into the back and sat next to me. He caressed my face and told me everything would be alright. I asked him if he had raped me. He said that the only thing he did was kiss me. Then he got closer and pulled my face and began kissing my lips and gave me long kisses multiple times. I was completely frozen with fear because I thought he was about to rape me. I didn't protest, I thought protesting him might make him violent and aggressive so I kept quiet 

He then dropped me home and told me to not think much of it.