___ b_sex

[Tyler Robinson]

 

I vented all my inner feelings. 

I feel relaxed. 

Put it all out there. No inhibitions. 

That's my femininity, I can't explain it in any other way. 

I slept like a baby. 

I cried a lot before I slept off. 

I felt like beautiful arms were holding me. 

 

I think for me a church like environment fits better. 

I was talking about valley home. 

 

No I won't be bringing a cat

I feel bad about it. 

My emotions are quite deep. I'm aware of it. But what I figured is that I need to have a healthy dose of happiness to have a good start. 

 

The love that I had experienced yesterday was very soothing and calming maybe the exact kind that I really wanted. 

It felt perfect to my soul. 

To my body. I'm still a bit wet like a virgin who had just been...... 

I feel something. Maybe I deserved this long ago. 

 

It probably was the most beautiful thing ever Happened to me. 

I felt like I was being held like a baby. 

I felt like I was being held like a baby and he kissed me afterward. 

I felt sleepy after that it was a sweet cuddle. 

I'm just a bit of an introvert. But I felt good.. I felt snuggled.. 

It was the most passionate most intimate thing that could never die out. 

 Sweet obsession is what I call it. Sweet obsession is what I exactly need

You know secretly he is very much like Miss 

And like a male version of Miss And I secretly always desired that. Wasn't that my perfect soulmate. Thank God for this experience or else I would have never known. 

Just imagine a male version of Miss fucking me all night till morning. 

Now that's a treat I don't want to miss out on. 

That's the most awesome thing to ever happen to me. I would savor every bit of it. 

 

Mhmmmm. Yessssssss. What a treat. 

I just feel so unusual... Like this was meant to be. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

 

The first time you did this, I got a fucking orgasm. 

 

I'm a sexual creature. If a guy talks about me, maybe you don't understand how this works, but it triggers me sexually, it feels like sexual pressure, like sexual tension. I don't know about your sexual meter but mine is sensitive. 

 

Right now I literally feel like you're penetrating me so hard. It's like verbal penetration. I mean I can defeat others because I don't feel sexual around them. 

 

But I'm somehow not able to resist you in the same way. It's so intense, probably your vibe, that I literally feel like you're penetrating me, and I have to simply surrender being tied up. 

I know this might sound absurd but it's the consequence of sexual tension slowly building up. I don't know what to say about it. If someone personalizes themselves with me, I can get intimate. 

I mean visually it's like pinning me against the wall, looking straight into my eyes and then challenging me, I would simply give up and let you fuck me. I would feel helpless because it's so intimate. 

I'm sorry it is this way. But it is what it is. 

The last thing you said to me definitely made me wet. I'm not that kind of person, in fact I'm sexually repressed. 

But you keep defeating me till the point that it gets sexual 

And I give into this sexual surrender. 

Maybe you don't know how your masculinity is fucking attracting me. 

I have no idea how to convey my emotions. 

 

I'm just candid. 

Every time he talked about me I felt sexual. I tried thinking about it. But it wasn't of much use. 

I wrote in my personal diary many days ago that he was negging me. 

I can't help but be open about my emotions at least to me. 

 

I don't know what would have transpired if those conversations had happened in real life? 

 

For different women it's different things that turn them on 

 

What turns me on is a guy making me want his approval in indirect ways. 

The more direct he was with me the more I felt sexual. I mean in real life if he walked toward me, I have no idea. I would be frozen in a sexual kind of way. I would just let him kiss me or hold me if he wanted to. 

 

Even if he didn't have that intent, I was melting, his wasn't gaming me, but I still felt like I was being drawn into him. 

 

I feel sexually defeated but in a good way.

By the way, this kind of thing never happened to me, never. 

Never before. 

This is the first that someone gave me an orgasm by simply tuning into my vibe and turning it to constantly turn me on 

 

----------

 

[Tyler Robinson]

I like guys who are very protective. It's their vibe. 

It attracts me. 

These days I don't think too much about attraction. 

I don't find it holy or wholesome. 

It is what it is. It is dirty and filled with manipulative people. 

Reality is different from fantasy. Live in reality. 

But also live in fantasy. Because that is the only way to deal with reality.. You cannot live like a robot. 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Then I thought about David.. He is so strong. Like a total Alpha 

David is the best 

 

I like him. But only from far. I don't wanna get close. I want to fantasize sleeping with him. Let's see. 

David I want you 

He is a wood cutter. He collects timber. He is in the logging business. 

I wanted to live in his cabin for a while. 

 

 

 

Edited October 18, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

David I want to make your bed warm. I want to sleep with you. 

You have such a nice body. So strong. I can see your muscles. Those arm muscles attract me. No David please please please. You are not going to touch me. Please. I'm too shy for this. No. Don't. 

Just be there. ok. 

No kissing please. 

I get turned on. Fuck. 

Don't treat me like a baby.. 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

I don't like w weirdos either. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Reliving my past sexual trauma 

He told me that he will burn me. Cut me into pieces. This was a few years ago. 

He told me he will cook me. If I screamed no one would hear.. 

Then I began crying. Tears rolling down my cheeks. He looked at me. 

He ordered me to sit. 

I sat down on the floor. 

Then he told me to stand up. I stood. He laughed at me.. 

Then he came near and began wiping my hot tears. He took something like a feather, and began stroking my face with it. 

He told me to calm down. I was scared. Panicking. Trembling and crying. Hot tears down my cheeks. 

He kept patting me. 

I felt sleepy. 

I slept off. I was too tired. 

 

Edited October 18, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

I woke up. He told me he is horny. I said I don't care. 

He then tried to grab my face and kiss me. 

And he violently bit my neck. I could feel his teeth digging into my skin.. I was dizzy. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

This place feels weird crappy and cultish. 

[Tyler Robinson]

The only thing that makes me feel good is thinking about David 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

 

https://www.actualized.org/forum/staff

[Tyler Robinson]

Lady parts you know. 

[Tyler Robinson]

Calmer. Gentler. Softer. Warmer. 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

Where do I begin
To tell the story of how great a love can be
The sweet love story that is older than the sea
The simple truth about the love she brings to me
Where do I start?

With her first hello
She gave a meaning to this empty world of mine
There'd never be another love another time
She came into my life and made the living fine

She fills my heart
She fills my heart with very special things
With angel songs, with wild imaginings
She fills my soul with so much love
That anywhere I go, I'm never lonely
With her along who could be lonely?
I reach for her hand, it's always there

How long does it last
Can love be measured by the hours in a day
I have no answers now, but this much I can say
I know I'll need her until the stars all burn away
And she'll be there

How long does it last
Can love be measured by the hours in a day
I have no answers now but this much I can say
I know I'll need her 'til the stars all burn away
And she'll be there

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Sweat off my brow!!!! 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

Being shamed for my rape. Being shamed on my virginity. 

Being victim shamed and victim blamed hurts way more than rape itself. 

Rape is a physical event that leaves a bad memory which can be forgotten over time 

 

But what remains is the constant torment of social shaming and that's psychological abuse and this psychological abuse is way more traumatizing than the actual event. 

Having to justify yourself over and over, having to describe your situation even when you feel deeply uncomfortable, having to respond to uncomfortable personal questions over a situation people have no clue about, is the single most traumatizing and disgusting thing. 

I feel suicidal right now for being shamed.. 

The real problem is much bigger than rape. It's this fucking pathetic society that doesn't allow you to live in peace and keeps you in a mental prison. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Discussing stuff about rape is extremely difficult. 

It's not something that people should discuss especially males, especially in a insensitive way. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

I think rape is probably the most complex phenomenon in the world. 

I don't expect men to understand what rape actually is. And men shouldn't even try understanding it. 

The male psyche will never be able to understand rape. 

 

 

There are just layers and layers of complexity, more complex than a Rubiks cube. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

There are just so many aspects to rape. A female opening up about it is the bravest thing ever. Of course I don't expect men to understand it. 

At the same time the only thing that comes with rape is shame. So many aspects and assumptions about rape are so severely loaded and tied to traditional expectations of femininity. These make rape(as a phenomenon) even more outrageous and complicated than it already is. 

With rape you always have a catch-22 problem. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. 

If you don't talk about rape, then people assume that you don't have any trauma. 

If you talk about rape, then you have to be ready to answer a lot of uncomfortable questions. 

If you talk about rape as in that you didn't resist enough, then men assume that you were probably enjoying it or it wasn't rape at all. 

If you talk about rape as in, you resisted very badly, you are considered a good woman. 

There are just so many infinite layers of female morality baked into rape that it's just the most disgusting thing. How are you even supposed to be yourself with so many moral traps set around you? 

If a woman doesn't report rape then she is asked why she didn't report it or that she must be lying because it's inherently assumed that any pious woman will report a rape when it happens. 

And if a woman reports rape, then she is asked evidence. Then it's like opening a whole can of worms, because that's where the nightmare begins. Now you really have to go through it all over again to make sure the rapist is punished.

People don't understand how shame works..

For example, when I was raped, I blamed myself. This is just ingrained in the female psyche. You you you you you must have done something wrong to attract rape. Why does it not happen to other women? You must be slut. Thousands of questions running through your head and the enormous fear of slut shaming is what causes the internalization of blame. 

You feel ashamed of yourself for having trusted the rapist. You feel like you deserved it because you didn't enough to protect your feminine dignity. You feel stupid. You feel like shit. You feel like you are unworthy. 

Especially if you are already struggling with low self esteem. You feel like crap. You cry for days and days and try to wash it off your body. You feel like your own body is a sin, a crime, a crime to be a woman. You feel dirty inside. You feel dirty outside. You feel like you aren't a woman anymore. You begin to battle your own womanhood. You feel like you don't deserve to live. You live in regret and shame. 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

 

I was sexually assaulted so many times that I can't even keep a count. 

I got used to it. 

I became immune to it.