___ b_sex

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry62/17

By that time I had given into him.. 

He was being so loving. 

When he said he wanted to kiss me on my forehead, I instantly felt like he wanted to kiss me on my lips. 

And I was already drawn by the overwhelming attention he gave me. 

And when he went away I missed him pretty badly. 

And so I just gave up and gave in to his affections.

I started having strong feelings for him. 

 

I felt loved and wanted. 

I also felt like I had no escape. 

A certain romantic helplessness. 

He had almost surrounded me on all sides by his power 

 

After a week, I had almost deeply fallen in love. I just could not understand what was happening. 

 

                   

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry63/17

He was /is like an angel. 

He came into my heart and stole me from myself. 

I can't even think straight. 

He is all over my thoughts. 

 

He was giving me such a hard time by being all over me

                         

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry64/17

 

I also have slavery based sexual fantasies. Like I want to be a slave. 

I want to be treated like a slave. 

I feel a sense of satisfaction when I'm treated like a slave. 

That I want to be kept in captivity and be raped. 

Yea those rape fantasies Back again. 

I want to be extremely submissive. 

 

                    

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry65/17

I felt so horny today and I fantasized being sexed up on the bed multiple times I could imagine my back being touched and then the whole process of making love. It hurt for sure. But it was an absolute release. Once again my sexual feelings were at a peak. I could feel my boobs being grabbed and touched. This was much stronger than the conqueror fantasies I had. I really want this to last. It's like I'm made to crumble into my absolute feminine self and I feel helpless, nothing but to give in. He makes me feel like that. 

                    

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry66/17

Maybe it's my infantilism and neediness which is at the root of it that needs to be addressed 

Maybe I want a parental figure. Maybe it's repressed trauma. 

Maybe it's my inner child that is seeking to be dominated and probably treated badly. 

 

                      

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry67/17

I need to focus on my sexual fantasies. 

I like to be dominated. So I want the fantasy to consist of a weird dynamic where I have been kidnapped by the enemy of my clan, a rival gang and then held in captivity for days.

During this time they feed me and take care of me and I'm supposed to sleep with the conqueror. This is a role play. 

There is humiliation, enslavement and masochist elements to this. 

In the end I surrender sexually 

And the conqueror takes care of me. I assume him to look like a Tarzan. My desires are kinda primal. 

The enemy gang takes care of me and I belong to them forever. It's like a love hate relationship and I find peace both in love and hate. Even if they hate me they don't want me gone. 

Everything works out for the better in the end. 

When I think of such things I'm able to love myself better. I guess love and hate are strong emotions and two sides of the same coin. 

                         

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry68/17

I don't know why I have all these conqueror fantasies but they seem to be stemming from my need to complete myself.. It's like I'm the one half that needs the other half to complete me. My half represents submission and surrender whereas the other half should be about domination and control and passion. When these two meet, I feel like it's fireworks. I only feel relaxed and fully complete when these two sides merge within me sexually and romantically. It's like I'm always looking for the conqueror archetype. Is this a specific female fantasy created through brain wiring or is it unique to me and you have never heard someone have these before. I want the guy I love to fully conquer and own me and make me his till the end of eternity. This romance or thirst to never end. I always wish to be in a state of mystic surrender emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Do you want your other half to be exactly like you or do you want the other half to complete you. Do you feel a natural thirst romantically. Are these fantasies only fantasies or do they exist to serve an internal purpose of spiritual and emotional fulfillment? Or is such fulfillment just a futile passion that's not pursuing/seeking?

 

I know the questions and the thoughts behind them are very ambiguous yet fantasies themselves are such an ambiguous part of human sexual side, some people would want to die for their fantasies, holding them dear to death whereas some people dismiss them as futile imaginations of a hyper creative mind that would look good only on paper, not in reality, how much of life is real, how much of it mimics art and fiction, too many questions, too few answers. Fantasies represent a mysterious side of human phenomenon.. 

                      

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry69/17

Once again I don't know what it was. But I was running through cloud and smoke and it was after me, it was an entity. I felt like this entity wanted to rape me. It wanted to control me. I wake up in sweat and I feel like my whole body was trembling. Feeling cold, naked and scared. 

 

It's hard to explain how it feels. But this entity wanted to be with me. I'm not sure if the entity cared about me. But sometimes it felt nice. 

 

This happened to me during sleep. Did I want to be dominated by this entity? 

                        

 

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry70/17

My spirit craves for an entity that is dominating, caring, protective, disciplining and motivating. 

I think what I'm doing here is oscillating between feminine love and masculine love. 

Feminine love = caring, sensitive 

Masculine love = tough love, direction, strength, discipline 

So what is the femininity in me looking for? 

It's looking for  a —

"tough love spirit" 

activator spirit 

Motivator spirit 

Leader spirit 

Protector spirit

Disciplining spirit 

Strong spirit 

Provider spirit 

 

And what's the masculinity looking for in me? 

Guide spirit 

Wise spirit 

Caring spirit 

Loyal spirit 

Comforter spirit 

Calm spirit 

 

 

So every spirit needs a complementary spirit to feel complete

 

To create harmony with the inner self, you need to have a complementary spirit. 

                     

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry71/17

On 9/17/2022 at 4:44 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

So I have invented my own concept of the three selves. 

One is the Unitary self that is you. 

The other is binary self which means the "other" or the self that will complement your unitary self. 

Next is the Dynamic Self or Higher Self which combines traits of both the unitary and the binary and is the highest version of you that you wish to achieve. Here is your maximum potential. 

And last is the Holistic Self which combines the traits of the whole universe. This is God. 

So in life, you try to achieve the Binary Self, the Dynamic/Higher Self and the Holistic Self. 

There are archetypes for each self. 

For the unitary self  the archetype is obviously you. I call myself Miss Berrylee in this journal. 

So my archetype is Miss Berrylee . 

And my binary self is the one who complements me. Honeydew. 

My dynamic or higher self archetype is Miss Berrylee 's Higher Self. This is a visualized self. You in a third person. 

And the last archetype, that is for the Holistic self is God. 

So follow the following archetypes 

Miss Berrylee (Me) 

Honeydew 

Miss Berrylee's Higher Self 

God

 

 

 

                    

 

 

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry72/17

 

On 9/17/2022 at 5:21 PM, petar8p said:

It's a strong feminine affection.

 

On 9/17/2022 at 5:23 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

Maybe 

 

On 9/17/2022 at 5:24 PM, petar8p said:

I love your thoughts and writing

I like chill deep house

 

On 9/17/2022 at 11:25 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

Thanks. 

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry73/17

On 9/17/2022 at 11:36 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

And then there's the neighborhood guy who I call Ronnie. Short Ron. Who took me home. He met me in my dreams. 

And then the other one 

Who I saw in my dreams today. A much older man. Who I'll call Lance... 

So once again I have - Ronnie, Lance and Eric. 

 

                      

 

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry74/17

On 9/18/2022 at 4:08 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

Women like a man who is exciting. Not boring. Being a simp and constantly acting slavish to her doesn't stimulate her. Neither being rude. It's made to look like women like cold hearted guys. But the reality is that they see a guy who is reserved as serious and masculine, not cold, someone who doesn't take shit and knows what he wants. Girls like a well put together guy who is determined, decisive, bold, confident and a pillar of strength. A ruthless guy exudes these qualities. At the same time she doesn't want him to be rude to her, just direct, serious, masculine and authentic. Simps don't exude such qualities, they show dependency on the woman, which is a big turn off since women like a man who is dependable rather than dependent. Women are attracted to strong personalities in men. Weakness drives them away. Much of what women are attracted to is based on biology, brain wiring, conditioning and evolution. Attraction is an unconscious unintentional involuntary process. 

                        

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry75/17

 

On 9/18/2022 at 4:41 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

Eric(Eric Sheppard) is my real life boyfriend who I have fallen in love with. This journal is a dedication to him. 

I hope he is reading. Or maybe he isn't. 

                 

 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry76/17 

 

On 9/18/2022 at 4:50 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

I want to sleep in Eric's arms. Forget that anything ever existed. 

Tell him about my fantasies with Lance and Ronnie. He loves to listen to my sexual fantasies. 

Eric is my world. 

I wanna eat ice cream with him. So bad. 

                

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry77/17 

 

On 9/18/2022 at 6:20 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

I just want to relax. 

I took stock of my situation Eric. I did as you told me to. 

You're a real man. A man who cares about me. I know deep down you love me. 

 

It had to be this way and no other way. 

                  

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry78/17 

I've removed Jim from my life successfully. 

Now there's only one Alpha male in my life 

 

And that's Eric. 

And I love him 

 

Trust the man who wants you genuinely. Be with him because he wants you and is not shy about it. 

These are the things to look for 

A man who is Alpha 

A man who owns you 

A man who supports you 

A man who protects you 

A man who leads you 

A man who cares about you 

A man who gives you intimacy 

                  

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry79/17 

On 9/18/2022 at 7:03 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

These are the things to look for 

A man who is Alpha 

A man who owns you 

A man who supports you 

A man who protects you 

A man who leads you 

A man who cares about you 

A man who gives you intimacy 

 

 

 

On 9/18/2022 at 9:20 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

When I am having sex, I want this song to play in the background 

 

 

On 9/18/2022 at 10:52 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

I didn't know any way, shape or form. 

My only way was to be heard and understood and to be held close. 

I yearn his company and his intimacy. 

 

                       

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry80/17 

 

On 9/18/2022 at 1:12 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

This is a myth..Cavemen have brains. They're not that high IQ as someone who is educated but they are street smart. You don't need great education for a simple life. Does a pizza delivery guy need a doctorate? Absolutely not. In fact most common people have rudimentary skills and not much education yet they do good enough and get by in life somehow. Unless you are living in Silicon Valley where your software gymnastics could be put to good use. Other than that, most people live a simple life with simple needs. Basic technology is accessible to everyone and even the caveman has learned how to use a phone. All you need is a phone and internet. I don't even remember the last time I used the computer. 

 

If technology is what separates humans from animals, then I would rather be on the side of animals, they're much gentler. 

So people who live in Amish community with little technology are Animals? 

 

No. Strong men have a protective side. I can't help you with your myths and beliefs. I speak from experience. I have been with strong dudes and yes they are protective alphas. It's very dogmatic to assume that someone who is physically strong is abusive. 

Guys learn karate or visit the gym, it's not always to punch someone. Maybe they do it to be protective husbands for their wives and families. You have some eccentric ideas about men. 

Dwayne Johnson is a physically strong guy. He is not abusive. 

A lot of strong men are gentle bears. 

You're loaded with projection. 

 

You're talking about toxic behavior here. You're literally describing a parasite. To be vulnerable is one thing and I would highly appreciate if a guy cried to me. One of my exes did. However there's a huge difference between being vulnerable and soft in a moment of despair versus using the other  person as an emotional tampon, an emotional punching bag, using up all of their time and energy to unload all your problems on them day and night, completely draining and exhausting them with your nonsense and drama and not having even the slightest consideration for their health, time and life. It not only displays the behavior of an ingrate but is extremely selfish and exploitative. Who in the world would be happy with a person who complains day and night? Would you like a woman who constantly calls you all the time for help or keeps demanding things from you all the time. I'm sure you will run away from her on the 10th day. There's something called boundaries in relationships. You cannot take advantage of someone just because they love you. That's selfish. Having Vulnerability in a moment is fine. But constantly whining and complaining and never trying to bring any positivity is not Vulnerability but victim mentality and is generally synonymous with Vulnerable Narcissism, a type of cancer my second ex had and hopefully I never have to deal with that soul eating behavior again. It's worse than being raped and beaten. I was hospitalized because he wouldn't stop stressing me out with his problems for straight 15 days. I collapsed at the end of it and he had no mercy. Terribly selfish. 

If you want some woman for your selfish reasons (agreed that everyone has a selfish agenda, nobody is a Saint, but remember there are boundaries to how much devilry you can bring into a dynamic, if you're too selfish, people will automatically move away, can't blame them.), then don't have a relationship, you will save her a lot of trouble. Why have relationships just to unload all your problems? 

Relationships involve sharing and caring but within a certain boundary. It's not a buffet where you just keep eating and eating and let the other person be totally used by you. That's called exploitation not Vulnerability. 

 

I think this thread might benefit with your victim mentality. Read it. 

 

Whatever I told you should be enough for you to know the reason why I broke it. He gave me no space and acted like a total parasite. He was shorter than me, not physically strong, so he did not beat me, he was a beta, I thought he would be nice but he was an insecure bloke who used me as a punching bag for his failures, frustrations and problems. And took advantage of my generosity in the name of Vulnerability. 

A woman is not Hulk Hogan. She is not some Superwoman. A woman needs comfort. All women want comfort. No woman wants a life of misery or hardships. Have you ever seen a woman complain about 'wealth'? 

Most women want comfort, protection and safety. That's just how women are. 

Reality is that women choose stronger richer  men and then live a carefree life. Women who don't win the jackpot try to just get by. Reality is harder for men and it makes them stronger. When reality becomes harder for women, it makes them miserable and bitter and generally jealous of other luckier women. Men want challenges, women want comfort. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. 

A caveman's life is not easy. He is always busy protecting his family and taking care of things. How can that be easy? But by doing harder stuff he is maintaining his manhood. 

He is exactly the kind of guy who can take responsibility. When shit hits the fan, guys like you won't be able to protect their women from being raped because you don't even know how to punch. 

 

@mr_engineer 

I've described what alpha means to me in this post. However it may not align with the standard societal definition of alpha and that's fine. Every woman has her own version of what an alpha male means to her. 

So this is what alpha means to me. 

 

 

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry81/17 

On 9/18/2022 at 6:27 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

I wanted to belong to you. I wanted to experience your love.