___ b_sex

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry1/17

 

 

I have to say that the male hormone testosterone is one damn hormone.

If a man is very masculine and full of it, he automatically releases those pheromones whereby he appears very attractive to a hormonal female 

And that's what happens to me 

(Now I'm not talking about biker gang shit here )

When I see masculine men(not body building type lol, they are fake and ostentatious, I get put off by that ) but the masculine men who are caring, authoritarian, protective and appear to be in charge of themselves appear extremely extremely extremely attractive even if they don't have masculine bodies , that's fine with me.

But my horniness reaches a peak when I see a punky guy being extremely self confident .

It's a signal that he is well aware of who he is

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry2/17

 

 

 

On 9/7/2022 at 0:01 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

I don't know if I can ever forget you. 

I truly and deeply love you and I have realized what love is. 

Love is immense pain. 

 

 

On 9/7/2022 at 0:03 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

I want to start by saying I love you. 

 

Maybe I'll meet you at the grave 

 

I. Was always a lover. 

 

 

I wish you knew. 

 

This week I learned two things -

One is God's love. 

And the other is my love for you. 

 

 

And I think the third is comfort, satisfaction, fulfillment and a closed circle. 

Yes equanimity

If you truly loved me you would have sensed my pain. 

If you would have truly loved me you would have let me just be myself. 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry3/17

 

 

On 9/8/2022 at 5:49 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

It will be alright Berrylee 

You can heal. 

Hatred is not the end of the world. 

 

Just close off and be in silence and think about nothing. 

Nothing matters. Only love ever did. But that's okay. 

I have to expand my heart and allow forgiveness. For anyone who didn't love me. 

It's ok. It's ok to be hated. It's ok to be unloved.

Love them anyway. 

Just close off if it's hurting too much. 

 

Now if we aren't bonded by love, then we are bonded by hurt. I still think of you as though it was yesterday. You meant so much.

Will I die wanting you? 

This night I was thinking about you. How you wanted to hold me. 

The day you laid me down and then choked me and then held my head on your palms and kissed me back and checked my eyes to see if I was passing out. Your gesture filled my body with love for you. 

 

 

I had to circle back to you. I had to find love. I had to want you forever and more. 

Everything is a mystery. Love can be felt in a fleeting moment and suddenly it's all gone 

I don't know what it was. If it was real. But it was beautiful. 

 

Your love is deep in my heart. I cherish everything you did for me.. I was happy and fulfilled. 

 

 

 

 

On 9/8/2022 at 7:26 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

Dear Berrylee, 

You need to wait. And one day you will see. The road to eternity and peace. The road to love. All the wounds will heal.. It's a test of time. Right now you're free. The love that you were looking for is right here. It was always here. Always here. Right here at this spot. Where they left off with their markings. These deep footprints carved in the road, in the sand. Those are the remnants of those who always loved and died waiting. Why don't you sit here? Wait here. Let the storms pass. And it will be heard. A beautiful siren screeching through the wind. It will bring back that was lost, that was all yours. Because they all loved you. This journey has to come to an end. It will come here right here Berrylee. 

 

 

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

Entry4/17

 

On 9/8/2022 at 7:12 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

Today is the first day out of many where I felt totally at ease 

At peace. Finally a day where I don't feel stressed out anymore. 

 

Where will you find me? 

You'll find me right here, where my heart is. 

So many centuries have gone by and I'm still here waiting for you. I feel your footsteps. I feel the screeching door. I feel like you came. To find me. 

Hold me again and give me your love and your undying loyalty. 

I'm yours, forever. I was made for you. 

Show me you truly care. My sweetheart. 

It's the passage of time. My love hasn't diminished. I haven't diminished either. 

 

My love is a never ending stream. 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry5/17

 

On 9/8/2022 at 7:42 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

Hate has no meaning. Hate has no real purpose other than internal satisfaction. 

It takes so much effort to fill in a space with love that has been besieged by hate. 

Even then, I thought of all those signs on the walls. Old places. Old signs. Saying they remember me. Would like to talk to me. 

If you truly loved me you would have wanted to talk. Wouldn't need any rhyme or reason what to talk about. 

And now things are ending and now things are beginning. All those words might come true after all.. My inner anguish might find some respite. In all those places I searched for you. Endlessly. Endlessly. Endlessly. My soul wanted you. Yet you discarded me. I lost hope. Some day these things might become obsolete. And those days there will be nothing more than a figment of imagination, of me and you kissing each other, wishing to unite and become one spirit under the sun and the stars. You always knew what was in my heart. And if you truly loved me, you would make it true, love is our only chance. 

 

On 9/8/2022 at 8:27 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

Sometimes I feel like you are watching over me and it makes me feel a bit nice inside. Just the feeling that you're around me, even in non existence makes me feel good. I wish you had never believed whatever others had told you. My life with you was amazing. I was so happy. Last night you took over me. You told me cute things in sleep. 

 

On 9/9/2022 at 7:52 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

Parts of me = parts of you. Separation hurts. 

Do you really want me to stay mum? 

Sometimes I wish to go away, sink into oblivion. Not want to talk to people. Because what's the point? I lived in isolation before. I feel like going back into that space. 

 

And maybe some day I will sink into that space.. 

Journal name - if you truly loved me. 

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

Entry6/17

 

On 9/16/2022 at 8:02 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

Don’t be afraid to do it harder.
“That’s what she said."

Post cum clarity, oof. 

 

On 9/16/2022 at 8:09 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

My ex partners were into kink just as much as I want but they had no history of trauma 

Millions of people have sexual kinks. It's just a random biological thing like sexual orientation. 

On the flip side, it could be that you have never sufficiently explored your own kinks and this could be in part due to religious shaming and suppression, especially if you're raised in either catholic or Mormon kind of families those families tend to shame kinks. In my experience. 

Kinks tend to have their origin in puberty and the way you used to arouse yourself during those periods of your life, especially if you were a teen reading romantic novels or fantasies, those can serve as breeding grounds for your future kinks. 

For example, I used to read a ton of romantic novels during my puberty days that involved capture fantasy etc. So I developed Dom sub rape fantasy related  fetishes. 

There's nothing special or psychologically unusual or sinister about it. It's simply established mental patterns that arouse you, which you created on your own depending on how you handled your arousals in your puberty years. 

 

 

On 9/16/2022 at 10:15 AM, Tyler Robinson said:

Your little wife. 

 

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

Entry7/17

 

On 9/16/2022 at 3:38 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

I have to say that the male hormone testosterone is one damn hormone.

If a man is very masculine and full of it, he automatically releases those pheromones whereby he appears very attractive to a hormonal female 

And that's what happens to me 

(Now I'm not talking about biker gang shit here )

When I see masculine men(not body building type lol, they are fake and ostentatious, I get put off by that ) but the masculine men who are caring, authoritarian, protective and appear to be in charge of themselves appear extremely extremely extremely attractive even if they don't have masculine bodies , that's fine with me.

But my horniness reaches a peak when I see a punky guy being extremely self confident .

It's a signal that he is well aware of who he is

 

                       

 

 

On 9/16/2022 at 3:47 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

Sometimes I end up crying thinking about how my sexual instincts can rule my mind and cause me to get exploited in relationships.

It's a harsh reality of being human that we have little control over our desires.

I wish I had received fulfilling love early on in my life 

I wouldn't have felt like a wanderer.

It's tough.......

 

A understanding non judgemental guy would have been such a great help.

 

But the patriarchy teaches men to shame women who are open about their sexuality 

                            

 

 

On 9/16/2022 at 3:57 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

 

My latest fetish was being licked on my neck. 

And having my neck squeezed. 

 

I feel very sexual around my neck and feet. 

 

For a Pisces like me, neck and feet are considered the most erogenous zones on the body 

 

 

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

Entry8/17

 

On 9/16/2022 at 3:59 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

 

omg he came, shies and runs and hides in a cupboard. Can't face him when he actually comes. Closing the cupboard door so he won't find me. Peeping at him through a slit in the door making sure he can't find me. 

 

And his reply to me - 

His predator instincts find you immediately. There is nowhere to run or hide. He can smell your shyness from a mile away. So he just stares at you through the very same slit that you think is protecting you. You have trapped yourself little mouse. And now he´ll devour and punish you.

                      

 

 

On 9/16/2022 at 4:08 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

I also want him to call me "dummy" right in the middle of having sex with me 

 

I find it extremely endearing and romantic. 

 

The more he calls me dummy, the greater is the intensity of my arousal.. 

He is basically putting his dick in my brain.. 

And I gladly take it. 

I desperately want him to call me either dummy or idiot. I find it endearing. 

                        

 

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry9/17

 

Vincent is bipolar. 

I'm so deeply drawn to Vincent. Vincent is bipolar but he is very affectionate and kind and silly. He makes me cheerful inside. 

  

I have been with bipolar people for so long that I have gotten used to them.. Now it doesn't matter. 

I told myself that I would never date a bipolar guy again. But I'm falling back into old patterns

 

I like Vincent. He makes me laugh. He is very witty. Charming. Best part. 

He is very affectionate and warm. 

 

 I like him. His bipolar is under control because he takes meds. 

I imagine that some day I'll be Vincent's wife

I'm not that attracted to James or Billy anymore 

I see Rob as a guy who is good at challenging me but lacks understanding and perspective. 

I like Vincent. He wanted my tattoo. 

Now I just want to live as Vincent's wife. 

He is charismatic. 

He is just as emotional as P but unlike P, he isn't sulking all the time. He doesn't get carried away. 

Because Vincent tries to bond with me, he connects to me. I feel good. 

He is someone who is ready to explore life with me. 

I think everything is an NPC. And now everything makes perfect sense. Why reality is dysfunctional. Why the world is this way. 

You transfer energies to people. 

We are spiritual NPCs with a material existence. 

And that transfer of energy is intimacy. 

And this intimacy is what sustains us. 

We need a twin, a soulmate, a flame, a life partner 

 

For the longest time I felt like I couldn't function without a life partner. 

 

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

Entry10/17

 

On 9/16/2022 at 3:59 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

 

 

omg he came, shies and runs and hides in a cupboard. Can't face him when he actually comes. Closing the cupboard door so he won't find me. Peeping at him through a slit in the door making sure he can't find me. 

 

And his reply to me - 

His predator instincts find you immediately. There is nowhere to run or hide. He can smell your shyness from a mile away. So he just stares at you through the very same slit that you think is protecting you. You have trapped yourself little mouse. And now he´ll devour and punish you.

                      

 

 

On 9/16/2022 at 4:08 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

I also want him to call me "dummy" right in the middle of having sex with me 

 

I find it extremely endearing and romantic. 

 

The more he calls me dummy, the greater is the intensity of my arousal.. 

He is basically putting his dick in my brain.. 

And I gladly take it. 

I desperately want him to call me either dummy or idiot. I find it endearing. 

                        

 

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

Entry11/17

I have to understand that........................................................................ 

Maybe maybe, deep down it wasn't love 

Maybe deep down certain calculations were made without my knowledge. 

Maybe something was going on in that person's  mind. 

They had already made up their mind about me. 

Maybe they thought that I didn't fit their plan about life. 

Maybe they thought that I wasn't good enough. 

So they slowly and brutally planned to cut me out. But this was already work in progress. 

Maybe they never had strong feelings for me other than a passing interest in the moment. 

Does this mean that they were totally fake? 

It could be possible that their empathy was fake and contrived? 

That they never truly cared but pretended to out of general empathy. Not specialized empathy. 

Maybe they would have reacted the same with someone they weren't in love with. 

Maybe they saw me as trouble? 

How come something that's not actually love feel so strongly as love? 

How come everything felt so raw and real and loving if it all just a set up, a facade? 

I'm so terribly confused?

I was always looking for real love.

He cared about me. But figured out that I wasn't more important than his life. So he decided I had to be out. And his love went down and dissolved down the drain like it was nothing. 

Wow...... 

He simply dropped me like I didn't mean anything and he forgot me. 

 So in a way the love was fake.... Like fake real.... I don't know how to describe this intense psychological phenomenon. 

It has to be felt to be understood. 

It means it was both fake and real at the same time. What a complex psychological trap, almost like horseshit, how would you even believe something like this. 

But I'm slowly gathering clues and trying to piece it together. 

 

I feel so bad now. I feel like slapping myself. 

Why did I fall for this? 

Why did I not understand that it was all covert manipulation disguised as love 

 

Maybe it was love but it was mortal love and not great love. 

It wasn't the accepting kind of love. 

Maybe it was a selfish kind of love. 

 

 The one who truly loves you won't judge you. 

He will understand you. 

  Maybe his feelings were genuine. But he didn't know how to love me. 

He didn't know how to accept me.. 

Maybe I should let him go 

Not punish him. 

He probably did the best he could to love me. 

But he couldn't sustain it. 

I really loved him and deeply trusted him. 

 Anyway it's kinda time to let go. 

Whether he truly loved me or not will always be a mystery. 

It's ok. It happens. It is what it is. He used to tell me that. 

His love was probably true but it was fickle and didn't carry much hope, substance or meaning. 

Maybe it was just shallow love. 

Hmm. 

I think I should let Mr B go.... Whether he was true or not should not matter anymore. 

From the perspective of well being, those who currently care about us is all that matters. 

Whats the point of thinking about those who are dead and gone? 

Human beings need love not memories 

Memories are just memories. They can't create love. 

Human beings need a sense of connection. It can't come out of dead people although dead people who were good to us can offer a sliver of solace. But they're still dead. 

A person who leaves you in confusion about love, what's the point. It was good as long as it lasted. 

 

Humans need love and not drama and  games. 

 

I need to stop loving Vincent. I need to cut him out. 

 

Because I don't deserve to be loved in a half hearted way. 

 

Berrylee don't care about people who don't love you or don't exist. 

I'm left with Eric. 

Eric 

I don't know what kind of a person you are. 

 

But you are very playful with me. You are a Cancer. 

 

I think they are cool people. 

Eric... He is a cool dude. Never critical. 

Eric called me today. 

He wanted me to listen to him playing  Ukulele... ..

 I'm a pixel. But I'm dead pixel. 

I removed toxic people/energy from my life completely. Holy cow 

 

What an achievement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today is August 22,2022, Time to celebrate. 

Eric I want to sleep in your arms. 

Close my eyes. Think of nothing but you and me. 

You aren't selfish. 

You care about me. I have cut off psychopaths from my life. 

You don't play games with me. 

  

The worst people are those who put on a veneer of being nice. 

 

  

I celebrated with a cake. 

 

 

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry12/17

 

I feel like Eric is my soulmate. He is everything I wanted. I want to sleep in his arms and forget the whole world. 

Eric I want you. I act like a silly child around him. 

Like they just know me. I feel so intimate. 

I want to sleep next to Eric.. I have all these desires and fantasies with him. 

Whenever Eric fights with me I feel good and I usually get good sleep on those days. 

I feel so protected around Eric. 

So loving and romantic. 

I want him. I just want to sink into him 

He is so loving and funny. 

His 

 

Oops I forgot that being around Eric definitely motivates me to do stuff. 

Honestly it's always love that motivates me more than anything. I was sowrong thinking that evil is necessary. Maybe what I was thinking about was sadomasochism and not evil. Maybe I'm romantically drawn to sadomasochism and that Domination from a healthy non abusive male. Writing this itself is giving me an orgasm right now. I feel so sexy around a dominant yet protective dude. Yea it's so attractive. I don't like the invalidating egoic restrictive aggravating asshole kind of domination, the sexist degrading Donald Trump kind of domination. I like it when he is being dominating but always ensuring I'm feeling safe and looking out for me. The Daddy kind of domination. So he does all the fighting with the bad guys. 

So happy. All the people are gone. Finally rest in peace Berrylee. 

*I'm cold right now. 

Eric I love you. The moment I saw you. 

I want to be with Eric. Every waking moment I want to spend with him. 

He serenades me with his music and he is so sexy. 

  

I feel closer to Eric when I fight with him.. He owns me. 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry14/17

 

I had these deep deep fantasies of wanting to be raped by a guy. I don't understand these fantasies. 

I guess it's like sadomasochism. I wanted him to abuse me and then hold me with love. I wanted him to possess me while I moan in pain and he keeps punishing me with his penetrations. 

I am attracted to sado guys who are the Dom in a relationship. But the slut shaming gets to me and I can't effectively communicate what I want that guy to do sexually to me. 

I want him to kiss me after slapping me. 

If this was against the backdrop of a deep forest where I sense absolute silence surrounded by thick bushes and trees, it would be so nice. Him forcing himself into me, that is Eric and then lying on me whispering stories into my ears and looking straight into my eyes every time I scream in pure pain. But of course I don't want him to just leave me there. I want him to hold me tight, hold my head and tell me everything will be okay. And then make me sit in his lap and caress him and gently move his fingers through my hair as I get drunk in his passion for owning me. I want him to breathe with me and I want to lovingly hug him. He would mean the world to me. 

  

Eric. I'm deeply in love with you. 

I want to sit under the stars wit you, me sitting on your lap gazing a million stars. 

You and me. Sharing everything being so intimate. You are the only one that I don't want to lie to. 

You are my soulmate and you know me inside out. It's insane. 

I actually really love you Eric.

Eric I want to watch stuff with you. Like horror movies.  I know these are like kiddo things. 

And I have a birdy voice. 

Because I don't want any forum dude to flirt with me... 

 

This journal acts like a simp repellent. 

(deep down I just hate hate hate simps, they ruin the fun of romance by acting sheepish). 

I want a strong guy, not some simpy dimpy doo. 

Simps are so unattractive Ughhhhhhh. 

Just their scent. They just put you on a pedestal and do the exact opposite of what you expect a guy to do. They are like manufactured clowns paid to act. It's so boring and inauthentic. 

But a strong man who loves me passionately and owns me is so cool and worthy of my licking

 

Eric's arms are super strong. He is such a fucker(pun intended this time) 

 

My thoughts are flowing. Feels so good. 

I want tantric sex with Eric. 

 

I feel so naturally drawn to him. 

 

 

I want to be led by a man (I mean Eric) so desperately. 

I have come so dangerously close to Eric. 

It feels like I can sense his feelings. 

I feel Intuitive around him. 

You gave me the intimacy I always craved for.. Just. You a regular bloke, I didn't want anything special. 

This time I really felt loved. 

I did not feel it with the first or second or third or fourth but fifth time a charm. 

I don't want to be with anyone. 

You're really my soulmate Eric. 

I feel sexually and emotionally connected with you... Never felt this way before. 

All I need is a bottle of lsd and coke. 

 

Vincent  wants my tattoo. 

 

 

I'm seeing a bunch of guys. Billy, James, Eric, Rob D and Vincent. 

You have gotten me hooked on you. 

I can die for you. 

I want you. 

Make me one with you somehow. 

Anyhoq

My heart wants you 

You are my soulmate 

 

 

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry15/17

Vincent is acting funny. He wants my tattoo. I mean I like him. But I'm not sure what I want. 

He wanted to take me out to a coffee shop but I refused. 

Sometimes we go out. The time we're together he keeps staring at me. Like angrily. I don't mind him. He is that way. 

He gets pissy over little stuff. But he is cool otherwise. Just a bit high handed. I like how he always takes the lead with everything. 

I want to hug Vincent and lay all day in his arms. 

I want him. 

 

This response goes along my line of thought. 

What you should do is if you really love and care about him then go 100% to it, because he has maybe had problematic relationships where girls have left him. Core principle is that which you show to others is what you want/need from him/her. Therefore because he shows some type of loyalty to you he'd really want you to be loyal to him. He obviously loves you and would like to be in long term relationship with you. It isn't his fault that he experienced what he experienced and therefore you should forgive his weird behaviour.

Relationship is all about growing together and accepting each others' challenges. Just let him know that you'll stay, if that's really in the case and he'll be happy. Red flag thing is kind of joke, because end of the day it's all about you how much you can live with the con sides of him. Nowadays people give up too easily and end up not finding anyone, because everyone has some "red flags". The only thing which matters is that if you 2 love each others and that's it. If there are some challenges then speak about them and come into good conclusions.

With love -joNi- 

You have gotten me hooked on you. 

I can die for you. 

I want you. 

Make me one with you somehow. 

Anyhoq

My heart wants you 

You are my soulmate 

My love is much more than just being horny for you. Much more. 

Sex is not even that important.. 

But all these emotions I feel for you. I have this soul bonding with you. 

 

I feel like I can say anything to P and he won't mind it. 

P tells me he does drugs. Lsd mostly. 

So last night I called him a druggie crackhead and he laughed it off. 

P I wanna tell you something. 

 

P sometimes acts like a narcissist and ignores me. Hmm

Are narcissists bad people? 

Who cares. I like P anyway, narcissist or not a narcissist. 

So let me see......

......... P is a bit narcissist (and I'm alright with that) 

......... P is into drugs but not hard-core. 

......... P does play mind games sometimes (it happens so it's okay) 

......... P is judgemental

.........  P is bipolar but his behavior shifts rapidly from being sad for a few weeks to being happy again for no particular reason....... I secretly think P could be bipolar but he never told me this. It's just my hunch. 

...... P lacks in emotional intelligence. As much emotional as P really is, he lacks deeply in emotional intelligence and I hate this part in both of us. I like that he is emotional and I love that about him the most. In the longest time I met someone like that. I don't understand his emotions though because as a woman it's hard for me to relate to Male emotions plus I've never been used to such men. I have always had Brute kind of men who would never respect me and very chauvinist types,never the ones who would want to build a bridge with me, the masculine types. P is masculine, don't get me wrong - he is weirdly Hyper masculine when he is sexy with me. Otherwise he is like an emotional woman, my mirror lolololololol. 

.... So the fact that I hate the most about P is that he is slow at picking up clues from me. He is bad at emotional intelligence. And I suck at understanding his emotions. 

 

...... P is Hyper critical. I understand and accept this as I have never met a Virgo who wasn't critical. 

 

...... P can be super scary with his whining. That thing about him scares the beejesus out of me. I become Hyper scared and nervous around whiny men.. That shit triggers the fuck out of me. This is because of my trauma - one of my worst traumatic experiences came from being around my second ex boyfriend who even made hypothetical accusations that I would murder his parents. That shit traumatized me and ever since any man who complains about me or plays victim to me sends deep triggers into me causing me to freak the fuck out in panic, paranoia and feeling threatened and vulnerable. Uff. No. Please. Never. Not that thing. Never a whiner, anything but a whiner, I can take a man who slaps me across the face any day but never a whiner. They send me to hell and back. I suffer tremendous nightmares and panic attacks around whiners. 

P had another round of sexy time with me. Hmm. I love you. I feel bonded with you. 

You make me feel wanted. 

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry16/17

 

Literally everyone in my life has been bipolar. 

My mom. My sibling. 

My friends. 

My ex J. 

My ex B. 

Holy shit. Literally everyone was bipolar. 

It seems they are attracted to me like moths to flame. 

I have realized after some "afterthought" that relationships are all about dynamic. The dynamic that sets you free, liberates you, makes you feel loved, cherished and wanted is the dynamic you need to set yourself into. This is what you should be looking for. It's no longer about attraction, compatibility, love is love, a spade is a spade, a rose is a rose. 

 

I won't be either friends or dating bipolar again no matter what. Just remove them for good. They can be controlling. 

And I don't want that. 

 

I'm not in contact with P anymore. But I'm planning to call him next month. 

 

Rob D has been following me for some time now. He called me 5 times yesterday and I was too busy to attend to him. He must be pissed. I don't like to flake on people. 

Could it be possible that you have the meanest boyfriend in the world and He is still cares about you? That's the vibe I get from Rob. He is the kind of dude who would chase me down the street and promptly appear at my door uninvited. 

I wrote this poem 

My home is in a different place 

My heart is in a different place 

My heart is not where my body is 

My heart tries to find a place to live 

In this Emptiness, I wonder if I can ever 

Fulfill the yearnings of my soul 

Wandering aimlessly for a home 

When I think about you 

My soul stops wandering 

As though it found its home 

 

 

When I wrote it I'm not sure who I had in mind. Maybe Vincent? The tattoo guy. 

Because of my bpd, I'm never stable, sometimes I have strong emotions and sometimes nothing. Like I'm disconnected from a beautiful tapestry of visions. 

At this point everything and everyone is NPC.. 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry17/17

 

But i want to take everything really slowly. 

I have been so stressed after all the breakups 

 

I feel like shit. 

 

Well.... I'm used to feeling like this..... I cried 

 

Maybe I shouldn't. 

I think I don't deserve to be emotionally abused.  I think I deserve someone better. 

I have had enough of emotionally invested in those who aren't on the same wavelength as me. 

I'm just not in that mental state where I'm ready for a full blown relationship. 

I have never asked for any commitment but I don't deserve to be treated shitty either. 

Whats up with these men really? 

The same pattern with J and the rest of these guys? 

I don't get it. They like the stereotypical bitch lol..

They like women who do drama and treat them badly. Who only want them around for attention. Who take them high and then drop them from there because they have a high volume of guys chasing them.. 

J liked this one woman that I used to absolutely hate. She was petty but she was good looking. And Joseph used to simp her even while being in a relationship with me. It used to feel disrespectful and awkward but there was nothing I could do to stop it. J would attack me for no reason.. 

Yet even when this woman would treat him badly, J would come up with some silly excuse to defend her behavior. 

The same annoying thing that he did with the girl that he cheated on me with. He put her on a pedestal, she didn't give 2 fucks about him, but he would chase her like a dog.. She even cheated on him. But that didn't stop him. He told me that she will come back to him at some point. I am like what????? I guess she is worth waiting your whole life for. Sigh. But I never cheated on J.  I never mistreated him. I guess I wasn't worth anything good.  

I'm so tired of men who constantly drop a good woman out of their lives and go seeking that bitch who never wants or treats them bad all the time just because they think that woman is some sort of a prize. 

Even James must be this way. I don't know. 

I'm now thinking about Vincent 

The only person I truly felt connected and attracted to. 

 

Eating breakup ice cream right now. 

 

So this cute cute monster guy who seems to have stolen my heart calmed me down.. I was eating Tiramisu. I joked about it. 

I even teased him a bit about it.. 

 

 

Omg he is the coolest guy on my radar. 

I'm besotted. 

  

I feel safe with Anthony. 

He is so protective. 

I imagined that he did things to me after I woke up. Mmmm. So romantic. 

My stuff is catching speed. 

Hmm. 

 I want to be calm. Because I get Hyper emotional some times. 

Things to note about him 

 

He loves music. He makes music.  Piano and drums.  

He loves food and growing stuff

He is liberal 

He likes managing me

He is whimsical, funny and nerdy 

He doesn't trust easily 

I'm deeply in love with this dude 

He is older than me and more matured

He is cool and understanding. 

I feel like dying 

Why am I not dead? 

 Why didn't God just kill me and let everything go. 

I never deserved anything. 

 

I'm freaking out. 

I feel like killing myself. 

Life is meaningless.. 

 

I am just done with life 

It's always this sick thing. Game of life. 

 

Hate me. I don't care... 

  

Another chapter in my life comes to an end that I will never open again.. 

 

I don't feel okay but I'm free. 

 

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry18/17

Sometimes I feel like Vincent was the only guy who actually gave two fucks about me. 

  

At last I'm free from any kind of deception

My mind still doesn't feel right. 

I still don't feel functional. 

I don't want to be played with 

 

 

Is that too much to ask? 

It's like someone is asking me - I'm going to cheat on you and I'm going to abandon you, hey is that okay for you? 

 

What's emotional abuse? 

 

When you're simply not afforded the dignity of a human being

 

Wherever I go... 

. Wherever I go...... 

I see people not being truthful about their feelings with me. 

 

They don't give a  damn if my feelings are hurt 

Did my feelings meant nothing at all?

That's why I don't date real men. They drive me insane. 

That's why I don't date real men.

That's why I don't date real men.

That's why I don't date real men.

That's why I don't date real men.

That's why I don't date real men.

That's why I don't date real men.

That's why I don't date real men.

That's why I don't date real men.

That's why I don't date real men.

That's why I don't date real men.

That's why I don't date real men.

That's why I don't date real men.

That's why I don't date real men.

That's why I don't date real men.

That's why I don't date real men.

That's why I don't date real men.

That's why I don't date real men.

That's why I don't date real men.

That's why I don't date real men.

That's why I don't date real men.

That's why I don't date real men.

That's why I don't date real men.

That's why I don't date real men.

That's why I don't date real men.

That's why I don't date real men.

 

That's why I don't sleep. 

That's why I don't sleep. 

That's why I don't sleep. 

That's why I don't sleep. 

That's why I don't sleep. 

That's why I don't sleep. 

That's why I don't sleep. 

That's why I don't sleep. 

That's why I don't sleep. 

That's why I don't sleep. 

That's why I don't sleep. 

That's why I don't sleep. 

That's why I don't sleep. 

That's why I don't sleep. 

That's why I don't sleep. 

That's why I don't sleep. 

That's why I don't sleep. 

That's why I don't sleep. 

That's why I don't sleep. 

That's why I don't sleep. 

That's why I don't sleep. 

That's why I don't sleep. 

That's why I don't sleep. 

That's why I don't sleep. 

That's why I don't sleep. 

That's why I don't sleep. 

 

 

Because men fuck with me.

 

 

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry19/17
 

So this has been a pattern for almost a year now. 

Any man who finds my Vulnerability pleasant attaches himself to me only to get what he wants and then abandons me. I don't like it. Because I get way too much emotionally invested and get burned in the end. I don't need it. I don't deserve it 

 

So if any man approaches with the idea to help me, I just delete their messages. 

That's the best way to block out the so called savior men before they make their next move. 

 

No.  I don't need a man's sympathies. I don't need his pity 

 

Whether I'm dead or alive, how does it matter anyway, who cares??!! 

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

 

Entry20/17

I have effectively blocked most men from entering my life and starting stuff with me. 

 

I don't like simps and simping. 

It's just another form of manipulation.

Mr M did that to  me last year. 

 

I don't want that anymore

 

Mr B used the technique of negging me. It was tantamount to emotional blackmail. 

I don't mind lying to someone who is emotionally blackmailing me, they kinda deserve it. 

This site disproportionately attracts very deeply hypocritical and dysfunctional people, it makes sense because it's a self development website, you can't expect perfect people here. Most people are going to be deeply flawed one way or another.  Only those would want and seek help or be in trouble. Why do I expect the best people here anyway? Most people that I ran into here are the back alley kind of people, something else on the outside and something else on the inside. There's nothing to admire here, nothing to hate either, just a bunch of egos talking back and forth to each other. 

You once told me that you trusted me more than your brother. To be honest I felt very weird inside when you said that, because you had barely known me for a week by then. Wouldn't it have been foolish to trust me that much? Of course your family should come before me. I couldn't believe you trusted me that much. 

I don't know why I felt like I was unlovable. If someone complimented me on my looks or brain, I could never feel it. I always thought they were saying that to simply flatter me. I thought there was nothing good about me. I still feel like this. 

I'm fortunate to have met you. You taught me a lot. I was at a very vulnerable place when I found you. You taught me love, caring, comforting, intimacy, maturity, honesty. I would have never known what intimacy looked or felt like. You came so close, nobody had ever come that close to me. You were a part of me, that's how I felt. I remember you waking up in the middle of the night and worrying that I might be crying. Nobody had done that for me before. I remember being genuinely happy around you. Feeling like I was being cared for. That was the happiest feeling. 

 

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[Tyler Robinson]

Entry21/17

You once told me that you trusted me more than your brother. To be honest I felt very weird inside when you said that, because you had barely known me for a week by then. Wouldn't it have been foolish to trust me that much? Of course your family should come before me. I couldn't believe you trusted me that much.

In hindsight, I trusted you just as much, if not more. I trusted you deeply. You were everything to me. Everyday, every minute, every moment I thought of you. You were always on my mind. You had bonded so deeply with me in such a short span of time. Was it karma? I will probably never know. I saw love in your eyes. Love for me. 

I could never believe or imagine that you wanted to harm me. Even if you had offered me poison I would have gladly Taken it. The only loss would have been losing you. I remember being so deeply in love with love with you.. My trust was so deep with you. 

You know what's important in a relationship. Trust, loyalty, protection, kindness and intimacy. Yea. Trust, intimacy and Vulnerability. These are the pillars. All of them. And I know I failed somewhat with some of those values. My feelings were still genuine. 

Maybe some day you remember me. 

I blindly trust you. I don't know why. But I do. 

 

 

Now I know why you're so mad at me. I realize now. Hehe. I'm not worried. Because my heart wants only you. You forever. Last night I dreamt of you. And every night. You fill my dreams. I belong to you. I don't ask for anything. I know you are my eternal lover. Your music runs through my veins. I'm drunk in your love. Your emerald eyes are intoxicating to me. 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Tyler Robinson