Feeling Conflicted About Getting Help For My Depression

[JustASimpleBuggler]

You may have read the title and thought "well who wouldn't" want help, guess who . Well anyways, I feel conflicted, on one hand I'm thinking that I don't want to get better and I'm fine with it and I've just accepted my fate and that I'm just gonna die at some point (probably not too far off considering my odd taste problem with food that I've had all my life and my shit diet because of that) and all my frustration,despair, and myself  will just vanish like when I go to sleep, and none of it matters anyways so fuck it  I never asked to exist. I look into my self too see what I feel and its just emptiness, tiredness,frustration and ALOT of despair Sometimes I ask myself why anything even exists and how crazy it is and just "why? and I have that feeling of nothing can help me. I know a lot of people probably thought that too right? But I think it might really be the case for me I'm not those people......but they probably thought that too....

I've never had any real dreams or goals in my life or been really interested in anything, I've never really "wanted" anything or been really passionate about anything, I was diagnosed with depression as well as Asperger's when I was 17 (i'm 20 now) but I feel l've felt like shit for most of my life I feel. I just feel like I don't give a fuck about anything really (Not by choice, its just how I feel) , plus I'm pretty fucking terrible at stuff always have been , like I can barely do basic math or barely be able to tell the time on a non digital clock, stuff people can do easily basically or know what the fuck to do when given a task even when I was just instructed a second ago, Its hard because I'M ACTUALLY TRYING to do something and its worse when someone criticises me for not being able to do something even averagely, I already know I'm bad, so the criticism just makes me feel like shit for being me. Think I just went on tangent a bit there sorry. Thats not my whole life story obviously, just  a little bit.  OOH ITS SO TRAGIC  

On the other hand, what have I got too lose? fuck it, even though I feel nothing can help me, I also feel like I could be wrong. In a nutshell, part of me wants to stay as I am, and the other still has some kind of hope, foolish hope maybe. My dad took me to a doctor for a "referral" so I can see  a psychiatrist (not the first time)  or something like that, my parents want me to get better but I feel like "I" need to want to get better, but I haven't really said anything about them trying to get me help or whatever, like I said I'm conflicted. The doctor asked me if I wanted to get better, and that if I didn't want too there wasn't much of a point, he was right. He said its worth a try and I didn't really know what to say honestly  but I ended up saying yes, because fuck it I guess? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Kind of feel like I may have made a mistake by saying yes.

Well, I was just wondering if anyone has anything they can say about this.... or if anyone understood what the hell I just wrote even,

(P.S I don't mean to be rude also, but if anyone wants to offer any input, can you keep it as simple as you can, otherwise I'm not going to understand what you wrote, and that doesn't really do me any good....like if you say stuff like "Compassion is the perspective of your true universal self" I'll just be like....WAT )

 

 

Edited February 15, 2017 by JustASimpleBuggler

[Guest Annetta]

Hey, I really relate to what you're going through and have a lot of those similar insecurities myself.  *big hugs*  You're not alone in having these feelings. <3 <3
I'm thinking that if your depression is causing you problems in life that talking to someone might have the potential to help.

I literally just got done watching this video here on negative self beliefs.  It might be of some benefit?

Here's what I took from the video. 
Let me know what you think, if you have any questions, concerns or anything you would like to add.  
I'm going to be applying these tips myself and see where it goes.

Notes:
When we have a negative belief about ourselves, our brains will look for reasons as to why that negative belief is true.  Even when it is not true.
This is what creates the cycle of depression.
And when something hurtful or bad happens that backs up those beliefs that we already have about ourselves, we tend to believe in these negative thoughts even more.
It's called "confirmation bias".
The problem with this way of thinking is that there are also positive things, too - but because depression is only seeing the negative, the positive things stay hidden.

Very useful tips on how to manage depression:
When you feel a negative emotion:
Get a journal and a pen, or your laptop and open up a word document.
Go somewhere comfortable and quiet; relaxing.
Ok, now... here's what you do:

Sit with those negative feelings and/or thoughts for 15 minutes and question why that thought/feeling is there and where it came from.
When you sit with these feelings, don't judge yourself harshly for having them.  That's the depression talking!
This is really, really important - so take note!  Here is where you can change these feelings around:
Try sitting with a feeling of curiosity and love for yourself while you explore your emotions.  Some examples that might help:

• Imagine you're getting to know yourself, like a new friend and you know nothing about them.
• Imagine you are like a tiny little kid that fell off their bike and scraped their knee, and that kid needs to be comforted.
• Imagine that you are a scientist and you are making a new discovery about human emotions, and that you are currently conducting a very interesting experiment - you being the experiment.
• Imagine that your feelings and thoughts are a new puppy that has not had any obedience training, and this is the training lesson.

It might feel weird at first and possibly like you don't deserve to think positively about yourself - but that's the depression talking.
Depression is like a never-ending cycle of negativity, and the way out of that cycle is through self-compassion and understanding.  
Also, try your best not to sit with the feeling that anything needs to be fixed.  You're just exploring right now.  You are not broken.

When the 15 minutes are up, try saying this to yourself (even if it feels a little strange):
"This negative belief is just an experience that I am having in this moment, but it is not true.  It is not me.  It is not real.  I am whole and complete."

And then spend some time - however long you would like - writing about these feelings in your journal or on your computer.
Leo has a worksheet up that has a pretty good format that you could use personally, or to discuss with a therapist if you choose to go that route. 
Whatever works best for you, really.  Here is the worksheet.

So this is basically a workout for your brain.  Like strengthening a new muscle.  Except learning the emotion/skill of self-compassion.

Finally, here's a good analogy about depression that might be of some benefit to help explain how this could help:
When ants are out looking for food, they will follow each other using a trail of pheromones(smells) because they are blind.  Because ants follow each other like this, sometimes they will accidentally create a circle of these smells and they end up walking in circles, going around and around again in the same spot for a long period of time.
These ants will keep walking in that same spot over and over and over and over, until one ant happens to break the cycle by moving in a different direction.  
When that happens, the other ants then will follow that one ant, and they will start to walk in a straight line again. 
When they are able to walk in that straight line, they can move around to different places and find food!
The food can be used as a metaphor for happiness, self-compassion and positivity.
The circle prevents you from getting/seeing those things inside yourself.
 


That is like how depression works as well, and by doing this work for 15/30 mins a day - you are becoming that ant that walks out of the circle.

All the best! <3 <3 <3

Edited February 15, 2017 by Whywolf

[JustASimpleBuggler]

Thanks for another in depth response I'll try my best to make use of all this when I feel like I'm ready. (I know thats not amazing feedback from me, sorry)

Just one point though, "When we have a negative belief about ourselves, our brains will look for reasons as to why that negative belief is true.  Even when it is not true" well, what if my negative belief come from my experiences, me being  bad at stuff is true because I've noticed that I am bad at stuff, and so I have the belief I am bad at stuff, which is true because its based on reality, I don't like to make things up, I like the truth even if its not nice, and being honest with myself.

So I guess its a negative belief based on fact  \_(ツ)_/¯ 

[Guest Annetta]

@JustASimpleBuggler
No worries!

I'm bad at stuff, too.  Seriously. 
I'm thinking that perhaps if you feel that you are bad at stuff, that accepting that you are bad at doing stuff might help with your self esteem.  It seems counter-intuitive, but...
If those feelings are getting in the way of being in the moment, like, if you're worrying about doing something right or feeling concerned with the outcome - then it's harder to be in the moment.  And being in the moment is the best place to be when learning new things.

So maybe try thinking, "Ok, I'm bad at this, but it doesn't matter."  And then just enjoy it for what it is.

What are some positive traits:

It looks to me as though you are humble, friendly and grateful.  All extremely good qualities to have in a person.
So that right there is something that you're good at.


Here's some info that would be of help to you, and perhaps show it to your family as well - they can probably assist you better if they are more informed on how to do this:
This talks about executive functioning in persons with autism - I come from an abusive home and have issues with this as well - however, it doesn't have anything to do with your intelligence.  Honestly, I would talk to your father about getting some support for your Asperger's.  A therapist or joining a group might be beneficial.  

This covers a lot pertaining to executive functioning deficits and ways around them.  After a quick glance, it seems that positive reinforcement for desired behaviors would work the best for motivation.

 

• Executive functioning strategies for teens and adults w/ autism/aspergers
• Positive reinforcement for desired behavior
• Brief description of rewards systems

So basically, instead of feeling bad about not doing the thing you're trying to get done perfectly, an alternative would be to set up rewards that you get for completing the tasks, even if they aren't "perfectly done".  This will cause your brain to start producing those feel-good chemicals made by accomplishing a task.

So... let me think here, a system example might be:

Complete morning routine - enjoy a candy bar, spend some time listening to your favorite music, give yourself a gold star, and feel good about task completion
Try something new, put a bunch of papers in a jar with suggestions written on them and each day pull out a paper from the jar, and do that thing - and then use whatever you enjoy as a reward, maybe gold stars to keep track of progress?

The gold stars could be used as points where you treat yourself to something really grand at the end of the week - like dinner out with the family or going somewhere fun, like a museum or the zoo, or I don't know - something that's fun for you.
That might be more of your learning style, perhaps?  Positive feedback.

If you'd like and whenever you feel ready, I'd show the articles to your parents and see if they would be on board with cheering you on, and maybe helping you set up a schedule for that.

Edited February 22, 2017 by Whywolf

[JustASimpleBuggler]

@Whywolf Thanks for yet another in depth response. When I feel like my brain is working properly, I'll read through all the stuff you have written again, and see what stuff I feel will help me.

I've started to see this "mentor" and they work with people with aspergers as well, so I'll ask more about it next time and see what kind of assistance I need, because I'm not exactly sure.