Is It Toxic?how To Give Up On Something That Makes You Happy, But Probably Is Toxic?

[AndreeaM]

Hello people of the forum,

I am a young person and started to do personal development almost an year ago, so I'm at the beginning, but I'm really glad that I started at such a young age.

My life was kind of hard.Just as a short story, before I ask my question:

I was heart transplanted in December 2010,moved from a poor land to Germany.Here I had the possibility to get healthy and I decided to stay.

Why is it important?

Well, from all the things I am working on, the relationship part seems to not get better at all.

I know my boyfriend since I was 15.We always felt something for each other, some kind of attraction, though we never seen each other.We lived in different cities.

We remained in contact, even after the whole "drama" happened to me and after 7 years, we realized that our connection is strong.

He is also into personal development and we would probably be amazing together if we would have the opportunity to have a normal relationship.What happens between us is strong and on one side healthy.

But here comes the problem: it is a long distance thing.

Yes, I know, I know, those things never work, but I am really open minded and ask myself : don't they? Couldn't they work?

There are many problems.My financial situation doesn't allow me to go to this land too often.Actually I wasn't there in years, but I am preparing myself for the big step of going there again.

We both tend to overthink this situation and we think that our relationship is toxic.But it makes us happy.It brings me peace of the soul.He is such a good person.

But lately he wonders more often if this whole thing makes sense.He loves his life there, wants to start a business, loves his family, doesn't want to leave.I have to stay in Germany, where the system offers me the medical help that I need.

What do you think? I could really use some wisdome right now.

 

A big thank you to all the people that are going to give me a few minutes of their time!

Andreea M.

 

[Guest]

if he doesn't want to come over to us (I live in germany also) then I don't think there is much hope. Then it is only a matter of time until one of you finds a new partner, because long-distance relationships never work well. Years without seeing each other? That sucks. Do you actually think yourself that it is time to let go? You have a life here and he has a life there. Maybe in future life will bring you together again, but as for now I think you both should be happy...with different partners who you can see often and do stuff together and have sex and so on.

[AndreeaM]

First of all, thank you for your answer.

He says he still doesn't want to come here.I came with the idea of moving somewhere else together, but I think that is too early to talk about such a big change.He doesn't dislike the idea, but doesn't enbrace it either, yet ( as he says : " I consider it more than a few months ago " ).

It would not be years without seeing each other.He came here in January and I plan to go there in May, but then again, how long will this work?

About letting go, I do consider it, but I admit, the paint of this thought doesn't allow me to see it so clear.

I don't really believe in faith and I do believe that if there is no action, there is no result.That is why we are trying to take action, though both of us are a bit lost.

Doing stuff together, sex, those things are great.It is just sad that in this very moment I don't see who could fit to my soul as well as he does.

My question goes deep.Is this happiness?How can I know?Is it really toxic, or do are thoughts make it so?Shall I really let go on such a special connection?

[Will]

Sounds as thought you are coming from a place of scarcity. I do it too.. Its not rational but it is a real feeling we have. We really do believe that we cant find someone of that same calibre. 

Of course you will never find his equal but there are possible relationships that can be of equivalent value..

Also

The pain of cutting the emotional bonds and memories and experiences is real too. just ask people who lose kids or loved ones in shock accidents.. That being said it does not mean it cant be or should be overcome.. That is your choice . you are free to be your own slave or to create your own freedom..

 

Hard as it is. Decide what you want from life and do it.. There is no right or wrong (in the big scheme)

[AndreeaM]

Hi Will!

Thank you for your answer.It really inspired me and a lot is happening now in my life.

You are right in everything you say.I just can't decide if I need more introspection or less.

[Will]

Personally more introspection is ultimately  a path to greater insight and living a more full life. kinda like unlocking hidden talents and potential that lay dormant in you. Its not for everyone but It is for me..

so would you like to use your full potential? or are you happy where you are.. If you would like more Introspection done well is a great tool.

Remember introspection has to be done well.

No need to judge or label or feel any pressure about what comes up..

You always have three choice with whatever come up.

1. Deny and bury
2. let go of
3. Accept and move on

you will systematically start to untie yourself and latent abilities will start to surface..

 

Enjoy your journey!!

[AndreeaM]

The key words in what you are saying are : " instrospection done well ".I guess that that is a big challenge for me, because I have the skill of analytical thinking, which sometimes turns into overthinking.I don't feel the healthy limit there, but I'm working on that.

Thank you for your thoughts.They helped a lot.

Greetings!!

 

[Will]

Believe it or not . hearing your story and realting to you and empathising is actually helping me a great amount too.. Keep us upto date..!!You will help us greatly if you keep in touch. and let us know how you go.. I am sure many people could learn from your struggles.. Peace!!  

PS ultimately I dont think anyone is to to learn from others, But in sharing and doing this together that is what happens. So as you share you also help.. xx

[Will]

No need to get too hung up on doing it well. its just that it an embryonic thing. the more you do it, the better you get but also the harder it gets. no reall technique is universally correct, but try a bunch of your own ways.. You might be lucky and learn it fairly quickly or not it does not really matter.

[AndreeaM]

Hi there!

Sorry that my answer comes so late, but I was really busy lately.

Will, I am glad you can learn from my journey and also glad to share it here, though it is not as easy as it seems.

I am actually trying a lot of new ways of thinking, seeing the situation in all its colors and shades.

Me and my guy had a serious talk about us,the pressure was too much for him and also made me have kind of a negative approach of the situation.Finally he was a bit of a coward ( but tha's fine, I still love him ) and tried to make his decision of breaking up with me, our decision.Which didn't work.I made him clear: I accept his opinion but mine is different.If he takes that decision, he has to assume it.

Of course, the whole thing couldn't last so it didn't.He tells me everday he loves me, how and why he does that ( which I just find adorable).He tells me he is thinking about a way of getting together ( for real ), though he is not able to call what we have a "relationship".It is confusing but also kind of cristal clear to me.If that makes any sense.

He has his life there, wants to start a business ( and works on that everyday ), loves his family a lot and also his friends are an important part of his life.Of course that even the thought of giving everything up for one girl and jumping into new scares the **** out of him.

In this very moment I am happy and that is actually why I asked myself, as I opend this topic, if I should end something like that.Long distance is toxic, right?Or do we make it toxic?

 

Edited February 18, 2016 by AndreeaM

[Will]

I think this site is all about understanding your own bias , learning to be in the moment with your current situation. Not think of the future or bring up the past.

I read stories of people here and I ask myself how am I lying to myself and or how am holding myself back from reaching my ultimate potential..

its becoming more clear to me as I progress that I dont need a partner.

Do you still need or want a partner? What is it about this guy that you want? What purpose would he fill if you had him in your life?? Could you get this from yourself ? Why do you hang onto this one person..

Do you think he is the only match for you in the entire world?

It is not for me to label your relationship as toxic or not. I guess I am trying to help you answer that for yourself. also whether it is serving a purpose for your actualization.

Will you be a better person with him in your life??

 

I think his life situation and how he feels and what he tells you is pretty irrelevant to you and your life..