How Did You Mess Up In A Previous Relationship

[AlmostActualized]

I am curious to read how people can admit their mess up(s) in previous relationships and help the Actualized community grow from your mistakes so we don't repeat them.

My Story:

I was in a relationship for three years, after one year of us dating she moved in. On the second year I started focusing more on my business and less on the relationship, call it greed, call it selfishness but I was focused on making more money. In order to make more money I needed to be out in meetings more and coming home at 8 PM sometimes. Weekends were great, we would spend all weekend together and spend money, we traveled we had really good times. Mid second year she started accusing me of cheating because I was coming home late and because I wouldn't pick up her calls or reply quick (I never cheated on her or even thought of it).

After a good six months of this bickering I found out she was cheating on me, I broke up with her immediately and have never looked back. Since then she has tried very hard to get back with me, but the trust is gone. I hate her for destroying our relationship, and hate myself for being so dumb and not seeing what was around the corner earlier.

I honestly was going to propose to her this year in Cancun, I was already planning it out, damn imagine, lol. 

My Thoughts:

I feel the reason that I messed up in the relationship was because I didn't pay more attention to her needs. DIdn't know that all she needed was to be held instead of getting mad/ignoring for her thinking I was cheating on her.

In hence what I learned is that if I want to get into another relationship I will have to be more committed into spending more time with her and less committed to my business.

Looking back at it I understand that she probably had some security issues herself and who knows what else. But this topic is to focus on yourself and to admit and grow from your mistakes.

 

Edited February 5, 2016 by AlmostActualized

[Leo Gura]

Good topic!

A good rule of thumb I learned about women:

If she's ever upset with you, for whatever logical reason << that's just girl-speak for: I need you to love me more!

It's like owning a cat. You gotta lavish it with attention.

Credit: David Deida

In general, people don't invest into their relationships nearly enough. They assume they can just coast their way to success. In a relationship, if you two aren't growing together, you're dying, and it's only a matter of time before a catastrophic implosion from one side or the other.

[MIARIVEL]

Interesting topic indeed. I think for me after several failed relationships I became bitter, paranoid, jealous and insecure. Believe it or not I am the biggest advocate for love, I love love and I believe in love. Someone I used to think the world of cheated on me, forgave him, tried to work it out, he did it again and I left; however, after that whole experience, it changed me and how I looked at relationships. I met this incredible guy a few months later and he was so good to me, so unbelievable good to me that I took it for granted. I was bitter from my last relationship and I became a person unbearable to have fun with because I always felt the need to be in control of everything so nothing goes wrong. I tried to control things so much that I lost a really great man and even till this day, I regret the type of person I was when I met him. 

Ever since him, it has really woken me up and made me want to change for the better and I really worked on myself for a long time to become the type of person I would love and want to be around. I told myself that if I ever find someone so amazing again, that I will be ready, I will be the best girlfriend ever and I will give 110%. Facing my fears of relationships wasn't easy, letting go of jealousy, insecurity and forgiving myself wasn't an easy road. 

I still struggle with insecurities sometimes but I believe when you do find someone so incredible, they won't make you feel insecure and you will feel love, appreciated, that nothing in this world could matter but the two of you. Some people might disagree with my views but I believe in equality and I believe that if i choose to love and be with someone that they will match my efforts. I don't want another relationship where I give everything and get 10% back from him. If anyone cheats on me again, I know there will be no second chances. Thankfully i feel a lot more stronger and wiser this time around. 

[theinevitableandi]

9 hours ago, MIA.RIVEL said:

Interesting topic indeed. I think for me after several failed relationships I became bitter, paranoid, jealous and insecure. Believe it or not I am the biggest advocate for love, I love love and I believe in love. Someone I used to think the world of cheated on me, forgave him, tried to work it out, he did it again and I left; however, after that whole experience, it changed me and how I looked at relationships. I met this incredible guy a few months later and he was so good to me, so unbelievable good to me that I took it for granted. I was bitter from my last relationship and I became a person unbearable to have fun with because I always felt the need to be in control of everything so nothing goes wrong. I tried to control things so much that I lost a really great man and even till this day, I regret the type of person I was when I met him. 

Ever since him, it has really woken me up and made me want to change for the better and I really worked on myself for a long time to become the type of person I would love and want to be around. I told myself that if I ever find someone so amazing again, that I will be ready, I will be the best girlfriend ever and I will give 110%. Facing my fears of relationships wasn't easy, letting go of jealousy, insecurity and forgiving myself wasn't an easy road. 

I still struggle with insecurities sometimes but I believe when you do find someone so incredible, they won't make you feel insecure and you will feel love, appreciated, that nothing in this world could matter but the two of you. Some people might disagree with my views but I believe in equality and I believe that if i choose to love and be with someone that they will match my efforts. I don't want another relationship where I give everything and get 10% back from him. If anyone cheats on me again, I know there will be no second chances. Thankfully i feel a lot more stronger and wiser this time around. 

The need to control everything made me hold on tighter to the things I did not want to lose. Lesson learned the more you hold on the more it slips away. Desire is a big one. The desire to have what you dont have causes suffering. Then when you do get what you want you fear you will lose it and causes suffering again. A bigggoooo trap there . 

[Rosie]

I will write down my own story, I think it may differ on some levels from the general, but some levels its still the same. Break up happened just a couple of days ago, still very fresh.

So I am working on a big cruise liner, QM2, as a receptionist. About a half year ago I've met with this Guy, Ben who is the art director on board. Not particularly my type, but he made me laugh, i fell for him. In the beginning everything was perfect, we  just matched from the first moment, like it never happened to me before, everyone else seen the same, people kept telling me that we will get married and like we are the perfect match. The only thing is that on a cruise liner things go different.You see each other every single day. You do not have days off so for 6, in my case 7 months every single day no matter if you are sick or tired you must work 10-12 hours. My job as a receptionist on board is to take all the comments, and on a cruise ship there are too many complaints, as if people would come only whine. Anyways relationship was perfect, we spent every moment together because of the environment and I became dependant on him. I never been a depending person, i always did my own thing. Also as a footnote: i lost my whole family in continuous accidents in the past 3 years, ( mom and brothers in car crash, dad in heart after.) but I felt that the ship actually cured me from the depression. I felt better than ever. Then somewhere about 2 months ago when xmas started to come things has changed, we started to fight. he kept forgetting about me, i kept fighting for the attention. Basically I became an attention whore.  I missed the small surprises the dates the love i used to get, at the same time the work became too  too stressing, but they kept promising a promotion so i had to go on and on and of course i started to miss my family. with xmas we said lets broke up, but then next day we talked it out, we kept talking and we agreed that it was the heat of the fight do not want to break up. Thing were great again, then he had a very stressful work period, and forgot completely about my 25th bday. Started to organise things with my friends for me, but forgot about that too, so my friends thought i  maybe did not want to be with them, so they asked ME whats wrong. AS I did not know about the surprise what never happened, I questioned my boyfriend who admitted he forgot it, but then again big drama and all that, and I felt lonely again. But we were ok. After 7 month the 1st of february My contract ended, only 2 days prior he kept telling me where to go together how much he will miss me and so on, so he booked a hotel for me and him in Rio as we had an overnight with the ship there. We had a  great day, then in the afternoon we went for a nap, during the nap i 've got a mail from our head office that i am not due to join till may. I freaked out, started to cry, how will our relationship survive 3 months apart. He stood up did not say a word. he is an introvert so i was not really surprised by that, but then he broke up. A couple of hours prior he loved me so much then he just like that broke up, he told me he doesn't love me enough, He is not for me, and he knows i love him more than anyone ever will and left. Later he messaged me that he threw up, and if i think it doesn't affect him i am mistaken and so on, lets meet for a beer the day after. He came over we had sex, and we talked about all kinda crap thing we agreed to give some time for this decision as we will be apart, that i am his best friend so he doesn't want to loose that we kissed goodbye and he asked me to take care. I told him that i need time for myself before I can be with anyone. Only 2 days away from the ship shake me back in my place. Like i was before. On a ship your thoughts and emotions are so much stronger as you can't rest. totally different world. i wrote to him 2 sentences, as the head office changed my contract again to march, so i told him i would be back soon, and we can talk if he wants. he messaged me 2 days later in a port when he had wifi, just general stuff how is the port and he hopes I'm taking care.
Im so heart broken, but i know time is the best medication. Also now I'm hooked up with actualised.org, so lets hope i  can advance myself and i can stop being a needy bitch......

[MIARIVEL]

14 hours ago, Rosie said:

I will write down my own story, I think it may differ on some levels from the general, but some levels its still the same. Break up happened just a couple of days ago, still very fresh.

So I am working on a big cruise liner, QM2, as a receptionist. About a half year ago I've met with this Guy, Ben who is the art director on board. Not particularly my type, but he made me laugh, i fell for him. In the beginning everything was perfect, we  just matched from the first moment, like it never happened to me before, everyone else seen the same, people kept telling me that we will get married and like we are the perfect match. The only thing is that on a cruise liner things go different.You see each other every single day. You do not have days off so for 6, in my case 7 months every single day no matter if you are sick or tired you must work 10-12 hours. My job as a receptionist on board is to take all the comments, and on a cruise ship there are too many complaints, as if people would come only whine. Anyways relationship was perfect, we spent every moment together because of the environment and I became dependant on him. I never been a depending person, i always did my own thing. Also as a footnote: i lost my whole family in continuous accidents in the past 3 years, ( mom and brothers in car crash, dad in heart after.) but I felt that the ship actually cured me from the depression. I felt better than ever. Then somewhere about 2 months ago when xmas started to come things has changed, we started to fight. he kept forgetting about me, i kept fighting for the attention. Basically I became an attention whore.  I missed the small surprises the dates the love i used to get, at the same time the work became too  too stressing, but they kept promising a promotion so i had to go on and on and of course i started to miss my family. with xmas we said lets broke up, but then next day we talked it out, we kept talking and we agreed that it was the heat of the fight do not want to break up. Thing were great again, then he had a very stressful work period, and forgot completely about my 25th bday. Started to organise things with my friends for me, but forgot about that too, so my friends thought i  maybe did not want to be with them, so they asked ME whats wrong. AS I did not know about the surprise what never happened, I questioned my boyfriend who admitted he forgot it, but then again big drama and all that, and I felt lonely again. But we were ok. After 7 month the 1st of february My contract ended, only 2 days prior he kept telling me where to go together how much he will miss me and so on, so he booked a hotel for me and him in Rio as we had an overnight with the ship there. We had a  great day, then in the afternoon we went for a nap, during the nap i 've got a mail from our head office that i am not due to join till may. I freaked out, started to cry, how will our relationship survive 3 months apart. He stood up did not say a word. he is an introvert so i was not really surprised by that, but then he broke up. A couple of hours prior he loved me so much then he just like that broke up, he told me he doesn't love me enough, He is not for me, and he knows i love him more than anyone ever will and left. Later he messaged me that he threw up, and if i think it doesn't affect him i am mistaken and so on, lets meet for a beer the day after. He came over we had sex, and we talked about all kinda crap thing we agreed to give some time for this decision as we will be apart, that i am his best friend so he doesn't want to loose that we kissed goodbye and he asked me to take care. I told him that i need time for myself before I can be with anyone. Only 2 days away from the ship shake me back in my place. Like i was before. On a ship your thoughts and emotions are so much stronger as you can't rest. totally different world. i wrote to him 2 sentences, as the head office changed my contract again to march, so i told him i would be back soon, and we can talk if he wants. he messaged me 2 days later in a port when he had wifi, just general stuff how is the port and he hopes I'm taking care.
Im so heart broken, but i know time is the best medication. Also now I'm hooked up with actualised.org, so lets hope i  can advance myself and i can stop being a needy bitch......

Hi Rosie,

I feel your pain as i was in a similar situation. Break ups are never easy and it never does get easier going through repeated break ups. 

I am so glad you have found the strength to want to work on yourself and Leo is amazing with helping people with their personal development as you can tell. 

The biggest and hardest lesson I have learnt is accepting someone's decisions to walk away. I always used to think if I put up a fight for them, then they will know how much I care and then they will realise they made a mistake letting me go; instead I just made an ass out of myself (never a good idea). You should know just how incredible you are, and how much amazing things you are capable of. You will see this and gain so much confidence the more personal development work you do for yourself. It is the best thing you can ever do for yourself is to always put yourself, your happiness and health first.

It hurts like hell losing the one you love and yes time does heal the pain. I don't think you are a 'needy bitch', everyone loves to feel loved and needed and sometimes after break ups we realise we don't really miss that person (because that person wasn't really fulfilling us in the way we deserve), we do however miss having the company and someone there to share our life with. 

I personally cannot be friends with someone that I have just broken up with, I would give it some time to find yourself again and love who you are and being in your own company (amazing things happens when you focus on yourself). Maybe after a few months or years you two can be great friends and have no regrets. You will find someone who is genuine about loving you and wants the best for you. 

Head up girl, things will get better. I promise.

-Mia

 

 

[Jecht Spencer]

My Story:

I was in a relationship for 3 years that I settled on a bit too early on in my dating adventures. I ended up cheating on her about 3 or 4 times because she was not everything I wanted in a partner. We began fighting like crazy and it eventually got physical (she threw a phone at me.) I never touched her but at that point everything began to break down.

We had an odd relationship. Booze often lead to us in some crazy situations. I feel I am a man who is made for two women or multiple relationships intertwined. There were time where my girlfriend and I would f*ck with one of my friends (she'd only suck d*ck) turned me on though. Maybe this was my way of making my cheating "ok" because I gave her permission to play with others.

I decided to join the Navy as a means of getting out of the relationship and also a much more stable financial future. I got out of bootcamp into A school (Navy Tech School) and thought maybe I could make it work. Even though I wanted out of the relationship I still loved her and proposed like an idiot.

Literally two weeks later I run into a Navy girl who also had a fiancé and we both kind of clicked. Over the course of a night we ended up skinning dipping at a beach and f*cked all through the morning.

I didn’t tell my Fiance for about a week. I canceled the wedding after the invitations were out. I was an idiot.

I fell hard for the new girl and she ended up cheating on me almost having a threesome with two other guys. Only ended up f*cking one of them. I was completely destroyed. I had left my fiancé to be with this girl and karma turned around hit me with a brick.

I left and went to go see my ex-fiance who was f*cking destroyed and we ended up hooking up again… she didn’t look good physically or emotionally.

I remember at one time I had my father in Pensacola. I picked up a random girl from a bar and brought he back to my hotel room and we had sex. Then I proceeded to drunk drive back to my A school and pick up my other partner and brought her back to the hotel. Proceeded to have sex with her.

For the next 6 months I hopped between both girls destroying them both emotionally as I destroyed myself and drank heavily. I was officially scum of the earth.

I ended up getting the new girl pregnant and she had an abortion. I begged to be back with my ex-fiance in a drunk phone call that I later decided was a terrible idea the following morning.

I ended up getting stationed in Norfolk, VA. The “new girl” tried to commit suicide after I left A school. My cell phone died as I talked to her sobbing in my car in Virginia as she swallowed a bottle of pills. She finally got out of the Navy. My ex-fiance coasted with me a little longer us hooking up here and there but has since moved on. I still keep light contact with the other girl but she is now married.

My Thoughts:

What did I learn… I think I learned nothing and everything honestly.

The abortion. The Suicide. The Tears. The Drama. The Uncertainty.

I still feel like scum. At the same time I enjoyed the drama of it all. I have 0 intention of doing anything like that to anyone ever again. I want true profound love with a woman or women. No more surface level or extremely toxic relationships.

At the same time even though my life was a living hell it was the most profound roller coaster ride of my life. Just so much pain, love, sex, drugs, and profound longing. I have never felt so important to someone’s existence as I did in those relationships. I felt powerful… I felt bad… I felt good. I felt like a psycho honestly.

I have since evolved. Albeit a little. I still love the attention of women… my drinking is no longer a problem. I can choose to drink rather than have to.

I think I thrive on drama. My mind goes in 10,000 directions. It is best I stay in the present moment and radiate love in all it’s forms.

Moral of the story leave people better than you found them. Karma is a b*tch.

Edited February 7, 2016 by Jecht Spencer

[AlmostActualized]

On 2/6/2016 at 1:45 PM, pete said:

The need to control everything made me hold on tighter to the things I did not want to lose. Lesson learned the more you hold on the more it slips away. Desire is a big one. The desire to have what you dont have causes suffering. Then when you do get what you want you fear you will lose it and causes suffering again. A bigggoooo trap there . 

Pete,

Your reply made perfect sense, this is truly what happens. Now let me ask you this, what should one do when we have what we want? Let's say that hot girlfriend/boyfriend that one has been after.

I would say just enjoy and be thankful for that person. But then I would be afraid to express myself too much because I wouldn't want to get their head too big and then make them feel like they are in control. From my experience I had an ex that had insecurity issues and she would tell me over and over “I know you can do better” so once I told her “you are the hottest girlfriend I have had.” Then her head got so big that she cheated on me.

Any thoughts from Pete or anyone would be greatly appreciated. I just really don’t want to repeat this negative life event.

Thanks…

[AlmostActualized]

19 hours ago, Rosie said:

I will write down my own story, I think it may differ on some levels from the general, but some levels its still the same. Break up happened just a couple of days ago, still very fresh.

So I am working on a big cruise liner, QM2, as a receptionist. About a half year ago I've met with this Guy, Ben who is the art director on board. Not particularly my type, but he made me laugh, i fell for him. In the beginning everything was perfect, we  just matched from the first moment, like it never happened to me before, everyone else seen the same, people kept telling me that we will get married and like we are the perfect match. The only thing is that on a cruise liner things go different.You see each other every single day. You do not have days off so for 6, in my case 7 months every single day no matter if you are sick or tired you must work 10-12 hours. My job as a receptionist on board is to take all the comments, and on a cruise ship there are too many complaints, as if people would come only whine. Anyways relationship was perfect, we spent every moment together because of the environment and I became dependant on him. I never been a depending person, i always did my own thing. Also as a footnote: i lost my whole family in continuous accidents in the past 3 years, ( mom and brothers in car crash, dad in heart after.) but I felt that the ship actually cured me from the depression. I felt better than ever. Then somewhere about 2 months ago when xmas started to come things has changed, we started to fight. he kept forgetting about me, i kept fighting for the attention. Basically I became an attention whore.  I missed the small surprises the dates the love i used to get, at the same time the work became too  too stressing, but they kept promising a promotion so i had to go on and on and of course i started to miss my family. with xmas we said lets broke up, but then next day we talked it out, we kept talking and we agreed that it was the heat of the fight do not want to break up. Thing were great again, then he had a very stressful work period, and forgot completely about my 25th bday. Started to organise things with my friends for me, but forgot about that too, so my friends thought i  maybe did not want to be with them, so they asked ME whats wrong. AS I did not know about the surprise what never happened, I questioned my boyfriend who admitted he forgot it, but then again big drama and all that, and I felt lonely again. But we were ok. After 7 month the 1st of february My contract ended, only 2 days prior he kept telling me where to go together how much he will miss me and so on, so he booked a hotel for me and him in Rio as we had an overnight with the ship there. We had a  great day, then in the afternoon we went for a nap, during the nap i 've got a mail from our head office that i am not due to join till may. I freaked out, started to cry, how will our relationship survive 3 months apart. He stood up did not say a word. he is an introvert so i was not really surprised by that, but then he broke up. A couple of hours prior he loved me so much then he just like that broke up, he told me he doesn't love me enough, He is not for me, and he knows i love him more than anyone ever will and left. Later he messaged me that he threw up, and if i think it doesn't affect him i am mistaken and so on, lets meet for a beer the day after. He came over we had sex, and we talked about all kinda crap thing we agreed to give some time for this decision as we will be apart, that i am his best friend so he doesn't want to loose that we kissed goodbye and he asked me to take care. I told him that i need time for myself before I can be with anyone. Only 2 days away from the ship shake me back in my place. Like i was before. On a ship your thoughts and emotions are so much stronger as you can't rest. totally different world. i wrote to him 2 sentences, as the head office changed my contract again to march, so i told him i would be back soon, and we can talk if he wants. he messaged me 2 days later in a port when he had wifi, just general stuff how is the port and he hopes I'm taking care.
Im so heart broken, but i know time is the best medication. Also now I'm hooked up with actualised.org, so lets hope i  can advance myself and i can stop being a needy bitch......

 

17 hours ago, MIA.RIVEL said:

Hi Rosie,

I feel your pain as i was in a similar situation. Break ups are never easy and it never does get easier going through repeated break ups. 

I am so glad you have found the strength to want to work on yourself and Leo is amazing with helping people with their personal development as you can tell. 

The biggest and hardest lesson I have learnt is accepting someone's decisions to walk away. I always used to think if I put up a fight for them, then they will know how much I care and then they will realise they made a mistake letting me go; instead I just made an ass out of myself (never a good idea). You should know just how incredible you are, and how much amazing things you are capable of. You will see this and gain so much confidence the more personal development work you do for yourself. It is the best thing you can ever do for yourself is to always put yourself, your happiness and health first.

It hurts like hell losing the one you love and yes time does heal the pain. I don't think you are a 'needy bitch', everyone loves to feel loved and needed and sometimes after break ups we realise we don't really miss that person (because that person wasn't really fulfilling us in the way we deserve), we do however miss having the company and someone there to share our life with. 

I personally cannot be friends with someone that I have just broken up with, I would give it some time to find yourself again and love who you are and being in your own company (amazing things happens when you focus on yourself). Maybe after a few months or years you two can be great friends and have no regrets. You will find someone who is genuine about loving you and wants the best for you. 

Head up girl, things will get better. I promise.

-Mia

 

 

I would like to add to Mia's reply.

I was the guy who gave the needy girl another try well more like 3 tries. It will NOT work trust me save yourself the pain, you have to move on. What helped me a lot was to talk it out, or to cry it out or just come back here, we'll help you out. 

The main reason that I strongly believe it will not work out is because if someone really cared about you they wouldn't forget your birthday and would stay with you even if you wouldn't see them for 3 months. It seems like he was in it just for the sex or for his own selfishness.

I was extremely busy during my last relationship but I never ever forgot her birthday or our anniversary. Instead I was planning on surprising her.

Rosie, like my ex you seem to be clingy and hopefully you work on that. I don't know of any guys out there that like that. In the next relationship I would suggest to just relax girl you got this, don't sike yourself out, and don't over analyze stuff. 

[AlmostActualized]

14 hours ago, Jecht Spencer said:

My Story:

I was in a relationship for 3 years that I settled on a bit too early on in my dating adventures. I ended up cheating on her about 3 or 4 times because she was not everything I wanted in a partner. We began fighting like crazy and it eventually got physical (she threw a phone at me.) I never touched her but at that point everything began to break down.

We had an odd relationship. Booze often lead to us in some crazy situations. I feel I am a man who is made for two women or multiple relationships intertwined. There were time where my girlfriend and I would f*ck with one of my friends (she'd only suck d*ck) turned me on though. Maybe this was my way of making my cheating "ok" because I gave her permission to play with others.

I decided to join the Navy as a means of getting out of the relationship and also a much more stable financial future. I got out of bootcamp into A school (Navy Tech School) and thought maybe I could make it work. Even though I wanted out of the relationship I still loved her and proposed like an idiot.

Literally two weeks later I run into a Navy girl who also had a fiancé and we both kind of clicked. Over the course of a night we ended up skinning dipping at a beach and f*cked all through the morning.

I didn’t tell my Fiance for about a week. I canceled the wedding after the invitations were out. I was an idiot.

I fell hard for the new girl and she ended up cheating on me almost having a threesome with two other guys. Only ended up f*cking one of them. I was completely destroyed. I had left my fiancé to be with this girl and karma turned around hit me with a brick.

I left and went to go see my ex-fiance who was f*cking destroyed and we ended up hooking up again… she didn’t look good physically or emotionally.

I remember at one time I had my father in Pensacola. I picked up a random girl from a bar and brought he back to my hotel room and we had sex. Then I proceeded to drunk drive back to my A school and pick up my other partner and brought her back to the hotel. Proceeded to have sex with her.

For the next 6 months I hopped between both girls destroying them both emotionally as I destroyed myself and drank heavily. I was officially scum of the earth.

I ended up getting the new girl pregnant and she had an abortion. I begged to be back with my ex-fiance in a drunk phone call that I later decided was a terrible idea the following morning.

I ended up getting stationed in Norfolk, VA. The “new girl” tried to commit suicide after I left A school. My cell phone died as I talked to her sobbing in my car in Virginia as she swallowed a bottle of pills. She finally got out of the Navy. My ex-fiance coasted with me a little longer us hooking up here and there but has since moved on. I still keep light contact with the other girl but she is now married.

My Thoughts:

What did I learn… I think I learned nothing and everything honestly.

The abortion. The Suicide. The Tears. The Drama. The Uncertainty.

I still feel like scum. At the same time I enjoyed the drama of it all. I have 0 intention of doing anything like that to anyone ever again. I want true profound love with a woman or women. No more surface level or extremely toxic relationships.

At the same time even though my life was a living hell it was the most profound roller coaster ride of my life. Just so much pain, love, sex, drugs, and profound longing. I have never felt so important to someone’s existence as I did in those relationships. I felt powerful… I felt bad… I felt good. I felt like a psycho honestly.

I have since evolved. Albeit a little. I still love the attention of women… my drinking is no longer a problem. I can choose to drink rather than have to.

I think I thrive on drama. My mind goes in 10,000 directions. It is best I stay in the present moment and radiate love in all it’s forms.

Moral of the story leave people better than you found them. Karma is a b*tch.

Truly amazing Rock Star story, a thought I would like to add. If she is married/engaged and you hit it, don't get sprung. LOL.

On a more serious note, stop all contact with your exes. You are just opening up wounds, work on yourself. Apologize to yourself for all the bad you have done, and learn to give yourself another chance of loving yourself.

Good luck Rock Star...

[Rosie]

4 hours ago, AlmostActualized said:

 

I would like to add to Mia's reply.

I was the guy who gave the needy girl another try well more like 3 tries. It will NOT work trust me save yourself the pain, you have to move on. What helped me a lot was to talk it out, or to cry it out or just come back here, we'll help you out. 

The main reason that I strongly believe it will not work out is because if someone really cared about you they wouldn't forget your birthday and would stay with you even if you wouldn't see them for 3 months. It seems like he was in it just for the sex or for his own selfishness.

I was extremely busy during my last relationship but I never ever forgot her birthday or our anniversary. Instead I was planning on surprising her.

Rosie, like my ex you seem to be clingy and hopefully you work on that. I don't know of any guys out there that like that. In the next relationship I would suggest to just relax girl you got this, don't sike yourself out, and don't over analyze stuff. 

The fact is that I do not think i was clingy. I was needy but not clingy. On a cruise ship it works different.  I made plans with my friends on a regular basis, or kicked him out to  make time for his, we hang out together but separately often. But in fact i needed general reassurance and feedback and love. That's different  from being clingy in my eyes. But then again. its so different when you are closed in in a metal box for months far away from your family, and all you have is your friends and relationship to live from... IDK but i do not see the future of us getting back together, I don't think he wants it  either... Who knows. But i know i can only grow if we stay apart, so as painful it is, it's the best decision for myself.

[Jecht Spencer]

4 hours ago, AlmostActualized said:

Truly amazing Rock Star story, a thought I would like to add. If she is married/engaged and you hit it, don't get sprung. LOL.

On a more serious note, stop all contact with your exes. You are just opening up wounds, work on yourself. Apologize to yourself for all the bad you have done, and learn to give yourself another chance of loving yourself.

Good luck Rock Star...

It is nothing more than platonic and facebook friend status I assure you. To be honest I feel a bit bad for my ex-fiance she has since not found anyone to replace me. Nor do I think she has dated anyone seriously.

My other ex is now married and we keep light contact. The whole whimsical allure to both of them has lost a lot of it's potency. 

(Living in Miami can do that to a man.)

So true though. When we were both engaged to be married we both acted on impulse. It was very clear though both of us were seeking more.

I leave deep scars in people for good or bad. I will not be forgotten that is for certain.

I still live a similar lifestyle. I live out of my car and essentially meet women for casual sex (and free showers.)

I have a lot of growing up to do. I seek to be a modern day renaissance not a modern day nuisance.

Thanks for the encouraging words @AlmostActualized

[clytaemnestra]

I was in a relationship for 2 years. After a 3 months internship in Russia when came back home, I felt boring with him. He was not ambitious at all, without any future plans and I was working hard to get something. I felt that I outgrew him. He was not supporting me in my carrier and I wanted to support him, but I couldn't, because he didn't do anything in his life. 

At the end, he wasn't paying enough attention to me. I started chatting with one guy I will probably never see because he is at the other end of the world, and I've realized that I deserve better, and that there are men that respect women who are feminists, who want to have a carrier and achieve something in a life.

I told him that it is better to break up, but he wanted us to try again. He made me feel guilty why I don't love him anymore.

My mistake was that I didn't left him before. Now, I'm single, and I see how much I'm free. Instead of investing time and energy in something dysfunctional what makes me unhappy, now I invest a time in myself and feel completely better and fulfilled. 

I really don't know what to do in these situations, except to break up. I tried everything possible to motivate him to fight for something in a life, but nothing worked. So I quit. 

[AlmostActualized]

6 hours ago, Rosie said:

The fact is that I do not think i was clingy. I was needy but not clingy. On a cruise ship it works different.  I made plans with my friends on a regular basis, or kicked him out to  make time for his, we hang out together but separately often. But in fact i needed general reassurance and feedback and love. That's different  from being clingy in my eyes. But then again. its so different when you are closed in in a metal box for months far away from your family, and all you have is your friends and relationship to live from... IDK but i do not see the future of us getting back together, I don't think he wants it  either... Who knows. But i know i can only grow if we stay apart, so as painful it is, it's the best decision for myself.

My mistake you are absolutely correct you were seeking more attention. In that note I don't find that as the problem, pretty much every female needs that. Careful because most men/boys just don’t care/know how to please that need of a female, all they care about is just busting a nut. I don't think you wanting attention was the problem in your relationship and ever will be.

The problem that I see is the lack of love/communication/bonding from your family, stressful job, long hours, no day off for 6-7 months, seeing your bf every day, and lastly being cupped up like a chicken for long periods of time. I don’t think any relationship can withstand those extreme conditions.

Hopefully I make more sense in this reply, next time I will reply in the morning vs at night when I am half awake. @Rosie

[AlmostActualized]

26 minutes ago, clytaemnestra said:

I was in a relationship for 2 years. After a 3 months internship in Russia when came back home, I felt boring with him. He was not ambitious at all, without any future plans and I was working hard to get something. I felt that I outgrew him. He was not supporting me in my carrier and I wanted to support him, but I couldn't, because he didn't do anything in his life. 

At the end, he wasn't paying enough attention to me. I started chatting with one guy I will probably never see because he is at the other end of the world, and I've realized that I deserve better, and that there are men that respect women who are feminists, who want to have a carrier and achieve something in a life.

I told him that it is better to break up, but he wanted us to try again. He made me feel guilty why I don't love him anymore.

My mistake was that I didn't left him before. Now, I'm single, and I see how much I'm free. Instead of investing time and energy in something dysfunctional what makes me unhappy, now I invest a time in myself and feel completely better and fulfilled. 

I really don't know what to do in these situations, except to break up. I tried everything possible to motivate him to fight for something in a life, but nothing worked. So I quit. 

Congrats on having the courage to finally break it up for good. I know how hard it can be, usually it's the more mature person that ends up breaking up.

[Natalya]

There's a book "the 5 Languages of Love" by Gary Chapman. He talks about the importance of speaking your partner's language, meaning responding to your partner's particular needs. For example, some people must have a constant validation, such as complements or gifts from their partner, others may need attention and spending time together, some need space, or deep honest communication may mean the world to them. If you don't meet your partner's most important needs, you don't speak their language.

Looking back at my bad relationships, I feel that those needs were not clearly stated by my partners , while my needs were ignored. No wonder it didn't work out.

Edited February 11, 2016 by Natalya

[Jsimpson]

Just like Natalya stated above the book 5 languages of love is a great read and allows for an in depth knowledge of what you desire and when you meet the next person of interest you two can figure out their language. My situation was finding the book after coming out of a 3 yr rocky relationship where we built a wall of resentment towards each other because we spoke different love languages. Head up and invest this time in yourself because in the end you are theose important person in your life!  We all have someone out there for us; we just need to know how to love ourselves first and then love the others in our life. 

[AlmostActualized]

@Natalya I am definitely going to read that book. Thanks the reviews are very good.

@Jsimpson I really do love myself, but I just feel that I wouldn't put anything in front of my business to jeopardize it's success. I just have to find someone that is willing to see that from day one and see how it goes. Sometimes I feel that until I retire and have time for a relationship, until then I'll be able to have a long lasting relationship. Or maybe my ex needed too much attention.