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kag101

Free-Association Journal

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just want to write random stuff here, without the need of having to make sense, prove a point, etc. just let things flow and see where it leads me.

today i had a deep insight about my difficulties with socializing. thing is, as soon as things get "informal", i freeze. it's as if i'm trying to drive a car with the hand-brake up.

today i was at college and i was hanging out with some friends at a bar. i was tensed, in overthinking mode, and feeling as if i was the most boring person in the world (which became a self-fulfilling prophecy in a way). i felt as if i was in 6th grade again, where i felt that i, as an individual, was faulty, as if i was lacking something in my core. i found myself really wanting to have a drink. but as soon i noticed that, i paused a bit. i mean, it's okay to drink. but it can't be my only doorway to entering social mode. i don't need that. i know that i can be myself (more introverted), interact with others, and actually add to the conversation.

when i was heading home, i was about to send a message to my therapist reflecting about this topic. but instead, i started to ponder about that just in my thoughts. and it really cleared my mind. it's interesting to revisit those old fears but with a more matured view of the world. when i was a teenager, everything felt so overwhelming. my emotional intelligence was low. i was neurotically trying to overcome my psychological problems -- which always backfired. 

anyway, what i got from today:

• take off this huge weight i put on your shoulders that i have to have extremely high social skills

• it's okay if you take longer to get intimate with someone

• when in a group, focus on making short comments about what they are saying.

 

people love to talk. but the thing is, i also have to give my 2 cents, or else it'll become boring.

so, yeah... i feel like this strategy of "just giving my two cent here and there" is going to work. this is something doable. i have done it before, and it worked. i definitively don't want to feel like today on a regular basis.

i know i can do this. i'm not a lost 12-year-old anymore. i have a good support network. i have had a good social performance in the past 3 years. so i'll see how it goes!

ps: i might go to a college party on saturday. i still don't know, because it's kinda expensive, but i think it would be worthy...

 

 


one day this will all be memories

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one day this will all be memories.

nothing, but memories.

every person, every worry, every smile.

in fact, most of it will not even be memories -- but simply a void.

it is a privilege for an event to become a memory.


one day this will all be memories

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sometimes I get the blues, like a relapse, thinking that everything will go wrong and that I'll be a failure. overcoming a trauma is about understanding that these ghosts come back from time to time, but they no longer define my life as a whole.

it's essential to be prepared for these moments, knowing that they will come. after all, expecting everything to be perfect is a recipe for frustration. "oh, how come I'm having these thoughts again? I can't believe it! I really am a fraud."

maybe I am. maybe everything I do nowadays is just a temporary fix. perhaps my future is one of incapacity and weakness. but maybe it can be different. maybe I can put things into perspective, be kinder to myself, and trust in myself a bit more.

but, I feel like time is running out too fast. I feel like my time is running out. however, I'm grateful for where I am today. I've been in a terrible place, a really terrible place, and it was frightening. and today, I'm happy. yes, I have my issues and insecurities.

"you haven't achieved anything yet! you're still just playing at life. you're a joke, and no one would take your life seriously." well, maybe they wouldn't. it seems pretty easy, but who said it has to be hard?

I think it's all about putting things into perspective, where I was and where I am now. I love you. you're a really great guy. it wasn't easy to go through what you went through, but now you're safe!

isn't that wonderful? safe, finally! I know that sometimes the trauma comes back, but there are people here to help you. you're getting through this. trust the process! it's showing results!

from 2019 to 2020, there was a significant improvement, because I was so far behind before. since then, the improvements have been more gradual, but that's okay. I know there's still a long way to go, and things aren't the way you want them yet, but you have the resources to get better, and you know how to use them.


one day this will all be memories

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